Black Moon
by Kiva Johns Adkins
Summary: This is Edward's journey during New Moon. Be warned it is dark and overwhelming. It is, after all, the darkest time in Edward's 100 years. But that is why we love Edward. We love his pain, dedication, commitment and love.
1. PARTY

**A/N: First, I want to thank each and every one of you for your support and praise of my Continuation of Midnight Sun.**

**Because you have been so excited for Black Moon I wanted to start releasing it a chapter at a time, although I am still writing. This is a very difficult and dark journey for Edward and I get very emotionally invested in him. At times it makes it difficult to write but I know your continued feedback and encouragement will give me the courage to continue to tell his beautiful story.**

**I do want to warn you all, this is Edward's journey during New Moon and it is very sad. It is dark and depressing but I hope it gives you more insight into his character and you learn to love him as dearly as I do. To me, Edward was never a jerk for leaving Bella. He did it out of love and at great personal sacrifice. I hope this lets you see that.**

**And I especially want to thank my wonderful, dedicated Beta ForksPixie who makes this possible for you. I also want to thank two of my muse's who read the rough, raw version and made sure you were getting the best Edward possible - MsTipene and DreamsOfEdward.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing…the talented Stephenie Meyer owns it all & I like to play in her sandbox.**

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"_I have loved you from the first moment I saw you. May I hope?"_

Prince Andrei Bolkonsky to Natasha Rostova

Leo Tolstoy's **War and Peace**

Chapter 1 Party

**EPOV**

Alice was absolutely giddy as she rode with me to school. Both of us felt victorious in different ways as the sun rose over the Olympic Peninsula, thankfully hidden by the dull gray clouds of Forks, on this day - September 13th.

Alice was pleased with herself for planning a surprise birthday party for my girlfriend, Bella Swan. She had purchased all the decorations and ordered a special cake that would be the centerpiece of the celebration later at the home we shared with our family. My father Carlisle, my mother Esme, my sister Rosalie, her mate and my brother Emmett, along with my other brother and Alice's mate Jasper, will be the only guests at this private party.

The last thing in the world Bella wanted was to have reached this milestone, let alone have a production made of it. For Alice, it was the chance to throw a real birthday party and celebrate that human milestone vicariously through Bella. For me, it was one step closer to Bella becoming part of my family, the only human member. They all loved her as much as I did and understood my desire to preserve her mortality. Along with me, they would all find a way to welcome her into our fold without changing her into the monster we all had been turned in to.

I felt triumphant in the fact that, against her own desire, Bella would be celebrating her 18th birthday – as a human. She spent a great deal of time and effort pleading with me to "change" her into a vampire, like me and my family. I loved Bella and wanted to spend forever with her – _her_ forever. I was adamant that she remain human and experience all of the things I never would.

I was almost certain that my soul was lost, despite the moral life I had learned to lead. It had been decades since I had taken a human life. Now I was a vegetarian, like the rest of my family, feeding only on animals. I had difficulty believing there was a place in Heaven for our kind. I just couldn't imagine sitting next to the likes of Jeffrey Dahmer or Ted Bundy, waiting our turn outside the pearly gates. After all, vampires are serial killers. Right? I _could_ save Bella's soul. I wanted to be certain that when the day came for her to pass from this world she would undoubtedly find her way into Heaven.

Suddenly I realized I was in the same parking space I parked in every day at Forks High School. I had been so deep in thought, I didn't even remember getting there. I was so worried that Bella would be angry with us for making a deal, albeit small, of her birthday. As happy as I was that today was her birthday, I knew she would be just as equally upset about that fact.

Alice reached across the seat and laid her hand on my arm, speaking in her soft, comforting way. "Don't worry Edward," she reassured me. "She won't be mad at you. She could never be mad at you."

I smiled at her, grateful that she was not only my sister, but my best friend. Alice and I understood each other more than anyone else. It didn't hurt that she loved Bella almost as much as I did. "Thank you Alice," I said as I put the car into park and turned off the ignition, "for everything."

She smiled back at me. With Alice and me, we rarely needed to speak to know what the other was thinking. Aside from the fact that I read minds and she saw the future, we just "got" each other. She reached into her bag and removed the small box that held the gift she and I had worked on together for Bella's birthday.

With that, we both stepped from the Volvo and waited next to each other for her arrival. I could hear the old truck coming from a block away. I really wished she would let me get her a new car for her birthday, but she was adamant we spend no money on her. Besides, she loved that tin-can on wheels.

"Please contain your excitement, Alice," I pleaded, quietly, as Bella pulled her rusty '53 Chevy into her usual spot. I was worried Alice would bound across the parking lot and tackle Bella in her enthusiasm. However, she managed to wait on Bella to make her way towards us.

The smile that crossed Bella's face when her eyes met mine quickly turned to a frown as she noticed the small, silver box in Alice's hands. She slammed the truck door behind her in frustration and slowly walked in our direction. Alice moved quickly to meet Bella halfway, still grinning from ear-to-ear, pleased with herself for pulling off the whole birthday thing.

"Happy Birthday, Bella!" Alice exclaimed, wrapping her arms around her.

Bella's eyes pleaded with Alice to tone it down. Not only did she not want us to acknowledge her birthday, she didn't want anyone else too either. She shot me a glance that begged for me to save her from all of this embarrassment. I smiled a crooked smile and shrugged as Alice continued to gush with birthday excitement.

When she was within my grasp, I reached my hand out to hers, gently squeezing her fingers. That simple gesture seemed to distract her for a moment, as it usually did. She didn't quite break into a smile, but the frown disappeared. One thing I had become keenly aware of with Bella was the beating of her human heart. It comforted me and told me so much about her mood, even when she tried to hide her feelings from me. I could hear it race, then pause, before returning to its normal rhythm. The fact that my touch made her heart skip a bea,t brought a smile of confidence to my face.

I raised my other hand to her face and traced her lips with my fingertip. As hard and cold as my skin was, she never seemed to mind when I touched her so intimately. I was so enamored of her soft, pale skin and the feeling of the warmth that blood brought to its surface. "So, as discussed, I am not allowed to wish you a Happy Birthday. Is that correct?"

"Yes. That is correct," she answered, lowering her head and biting her lip. I could tell by the hint of pink that surfaced under her cheekbones that she was embarrassed, but still obstinate regarding her demand that we not celebrate this day.

"Just checking," I said with a slight grin, running my hand through her hair in frustration that she was sticking to her guns. Mostly for Alice's sake, I hoped she might have changed her mind. Even though she hadn't, it would be difficult for her to stay angry at either of us for long. "You might have changed your mind. Most people seem to enjoy things like birthdays and gifts."

Alice laughed at my attempt to change Bella's mind. It didn't matter to her. She was confident that Bella would have the best birthday ever. At least Alice would throw the best birthday party ever. "Of course you'll enjoy it. Everyone's supposed to be nice to you today and give you your way, Bella. What's the worst that could happen?" She meant it as a rhetorical question.

Bella decided to answer it, quickly. This had obviously weighed heavily on her mind. "Getting older," her voiced cracked.

I did not like where this was going. Although we had a wonderful summer together and I loved her more than I ever thought possible, I was growing weary on the subject of her mortality. My smile disappeared to a hard line and I lowered my head, pinching the bridge of my nose. My lips were pursed, trying not to antagonize her. After all, that was what Alice was there for.

"Eighteen isn't very old," Alice said. "Don't women usually wait till they're twenty-nine to get upset over birthdays?" The moment those words left her lips, I knew Bella was not going to appreciate Alice's attempt at making light of the subject. She had taken it _exactly_ in the direction I had hoped she would not.

Bella lowered her head in despair as she mumbled, "I am older than Edward."

I sighed, understanding her sadness, but remained dedicated to my decision to keep her human. I shot Alice a glare that thanked her fully for taking this there. She shrugged her shoulders and continued to smile.

"Technically," Alice said, still staying light and positive. "Just by one little year, though." She then winked at me out of the corner of her eye, like her plan was working. Clearly, it was not.

An awkward silence followed because Bella knew this was a subject I was not going to be swayed on. Alice realized that, despite her efforts, the conversation and subject only furthered the despair Bella was feeling over this event. But she was determined to make it go her way.

"What time will you be at the house?" she grinned, slyly.

Bella immediately picked up on the fact something was awry and came back with a defensive tone, all the while, giving me the dirty look – like I had done something. "I didn't know I had plans to be there."

Alice was, if nothing, persistent. "Oh, be fair, Bella!" she feigned disappointment. "You aren't going to ruin all our fun like that, are you?"

"I thought my birthday was about what _I_ want."

I decided it was time for me to intercede in this conversation before someone's feelings got hurt. I turned directly towards Alice and reassured her. "I'll get her from Charlie's right after school," I said, never looking at Bella in hopes she would not argue.

I think Bella actually stamped her foot and crossed her arms across her chest. "I have to work," she argued.

Alice chimed right back with a response to the question she had foreseen. "You don't, actually," Alice told Bella, smugly. She then clapped her hands together to congratulate herself. "I already spoke to Mrs. Newton about it. She's trading your shifts. She said to tell you 'Happy Birthday.'"

Bella stammered over her words, shaking her head in disagreement. She was determined to find a way out of this. "I—I still can't come over," she struggled for an excuse. "I, well, I haven't watched _Romeo and Juliet_ yet for English."

Alice wasn't buying it and that fact brought a smug grin to my face. "You have _Romeo and Juliet_ memorized." She was right. If there was a classic love story out there, Bella had read it and committed it to memory for future reference in her personal life.

That did not keep her from trying to get out of the party. "But Mr. Berty said we needed to see it performed to fully appreciate it – that's how Shakespeare intended it to be presented." She shrugged and grinned, hoping that was enough to win. I simply smiled and rolled my eyes. No matter how hard she tried, she was not getting out of the party Alice had planned.

"You've already seen the movie," Alice accused.

"But not the nineteen-sixties version. Mr. Berty said it was the best." Bella never stopped as long as she thought she had a chance of winning in an argument. I think she should have joined the debate team at school. It would have taken some of the slack off of me.

Alice quit smiling and glared at me. She was getting nowhere and now depended on me to make Bella come around. "This can be easy, or this can be hard, Bella, but one way or the other–," Alice threatened.

I interrupted her before she blew any chance of Bella cooperating. "Relax, Alice. If Bella wants to watch a movie, then she can. It's her birthday." Hopefully I was appeasing both of them.

"So there," Bella said, resting her hands on her hips as though my victory was her own.

"I'll bring her over around seven," I smiled at Alice as I put my hand on the small of Bella's back, to lead her off to the first class of the day. "That will give you more time to set up."

Alice smiled, knowing her party was still going off and Bella gasped, realizing Alice was making a production of it. "Sounds good. See you tonight, Bella! It'll be fun, you'll see." She took the time to give Bella a peck on the cheek, and then she danced off towards her first class before Bella could respond.

"Edward, please–," Bella began to plead with me. I pressed a finger against her lips and her mood instantly changed. She was butter beneath my fingers.

"Let's discuss it later. We're going to be late for class."

When the school year began I worked my magic on the counselors in order to get assigned to most of the same classes as Bella. While our relationship stunned most of the student body at the end of last school year, we had now become accepted fixtures. Even poor Mike Newton gave up hope of wooing Bella. He hardly ever approached her when I was near and never threw a glance my way. I was amused, however, that his appearance had changed over the summer. He had let his blonde hair grow out and gelled it each day, no doubt in an effort to mimic my own hair. The fact was, I made no effort with mine and I was certain he spent the better part of his mornings on his hair.

Bella was quiet throughout the day, in an effort to draw little attention to herself. I knew she hoped I would feel for her "suffering" and let her out of the party. That was not going to happen. We all had too much riding on this birthday party.

It was not that I did not understand where Bella was coming from. I did. She did not want to be older than me. I got that. She was uncomfortable with gifts because she had grown up with so little which taught her to be grateful for the things that mattered most in life, the people in it. My whole family had more money than we could ever spend inconspicuously. But that wasn't important to me unless I could take care of those close to me and give them everything they needed. Bella would not let me spend a dime on her, aside from our dates. She was content just to have me and I was certain I was hardly worth her time, effort and sacrifice. I wanted to reward her for bringing joy into my "life".

There were two things I did push when it came to money.

I wanted Bella to allow me to buy her a more reliable vehicle and I wanted to pay her college tuition. She was attached to the rust bucket that was her truck. Her father, Charlie had bought it for her when she arrived in Forks, as a homecoming present. It was her first vehicle and I understood her emotional attachment to it, but no one saw me tooling around town in my old Stanley Steamer.

Then there was the college thing. She wanted to be "changed" as soon as possible and college was not on her radar. It was, however, on mine. I had been to several colleges and accumulated various degrees. I wanted Bella to have the opportunity to get the kind of education I could pay for so she never had to worry about money again. No matter what, I wanted to make sure she was always cared for.

Alice and I both left the birthday issue alone the rest of the day. We had gotten what we wanted before school started. Alice knew I would make sure Bella was there. It hardly seemed worth the pain the subject caused Bella to remind her of it.

We sat at our usual table at lunch. Now that Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett had graduated, Alice and I joined Bella and her human friends each day for lunch. We still never ate, but put on the show that was necessary to convince the students and residents of Forks that we were just like them.

Although we sat at the table with Mike and Jessica, Angela and Ben, Eric, Conner, Tyler and Lauren there was still a distinction between us. Bella, Alice and I sat on one side of the table and the humans on the other. I was certain that, on the sunny days when Alice and I were out of school and hunting, the table spread out to envelope Bella. I don't think her friends ever understood us Cullens and, for reasons they did not comprehend, avoided close proximity to us. They welcomed us into their group merely as a favor to Bella.

None of Bella's friends acknowledged her birthday, which seemed a great relief to her. Certainly she had never shared the date with them. After all, she had only been in Forks for 9 months so no one realized when her birthday was. Jessica, who was supposedly Bella's closest friend, was so wrapped up in herself that she would never think to give Bella's birthday a second thought. Her male friends were treading the waters of the relationship world with the other girls and rightfully so, focused their attention on them.

Before we knew it, it was the end of the day and I followed Bella to her truck, since Alice would be taking my Volvo back to our house to prepare for the party. I opened the passenger door for her and what had been a peaceful day without a birthday mention returned to the tension filled morning that revolved around her aging.

"It's my birthday, don't I get to drive?" she asked, crossing her arms like a child throwing a temper tantrum. She certainly did not like relinquishing control of the driving, but knew that I hated being a passenger in her vehicle even more.

"I'm pretending it's not your birthday, just as you wished," I said, holding the door open. I patiently waited for her to step in.

"If it's not my birthday, then I don't have to go to your house tonight," she said smugly.

"All right," I said as I shut the passenger door and made my way around to open the driver's door for her. "Happy Birthday." I had to remember, 'lose the battle – win the war'.

Since I was a prisoner in her vehicle, I did what I could to distract myself from her questionable driving. I fidgeted with the radio, still not understanding why she would want to suffer through the horrible reception, backfiring engine and rusty body of the Chevy. After all, I was willing to provide her with any shiny, new, reliable vehicle.

"Your radio has horrible reception," I muttered. I hoped she would get tired of my complaints and give in to my desire to give something tangible to her.

She frowned as she usually did when I took shots at her precious truck.

"You want a nice stereo? Drive your own car." Her words had a cutting edge to them. The apprehension of her birthday had certainly affected her mood. While she always stood her ground with me, she rarely spoke so harshly. I looked at her in shock, pressing my lips together to keep from smiling. That would only make her angrier. However, I enjoyed seeing the fire in her.

I sat back in the seat and kept my mouth shut until she pulled into the parking spot in front of Chief Swan's house – her house. As soon as she turned the engine off, I gently reached over to her and took her face into my hands. I touched her temples, cheekbones and jaw line – all of which felt like a soft, delicate fruit within my grasp.

"You should be in a good mood, today of all days," I whispered. I hoped my gentle caress and soft words would calm her mood. After all, this was _her_ birthday, not ours. I wanted her to enjoy it as much as any of us.

Her breathing became erratic, clearly affected by my effort to "dazzle" her. That was my secret weapon. "And if I don't want to be in good mood?" she asked.

I looked intently into her warm, brown eyes and purred. "Too bad."

I then moved in closer, pressing my lips gently against hers. As much as I wanted to kiss her with reckless abandonment, my own need to protect her and keep her safe, held me back. I softly caressed her face and neck, gently pulling her closer to me. I continued to kiss her softly, not wanting to miss a moment in which our bodies could touch so intimately. The warmth of her lips and her body accompanied by the rhythmic thrumming of her heartbeat made me feel almost human, consumed with desire.

Suddenly, that same desire came over Bella and she threw herself into the kiss more than I would have liked. There were lines I could not cross or I would kill her by accident. I was always aware of just how close to death's door Bella was when she was with me, but she had a power over me. I could not live without her. In order to live with her in my life I had to be on constant guard, protecting her from the monster that always lurked just beneath the surface.

I pulled my mouth away from hers and breathed softly against her cheek. "Be good, please," I begged. She was breathless and frustrated, just as I was. But I was not willing to sacrifice her life in a moment of passion. She, on the other hand, wanted nothing more. My lips brushed against hers one last time and I moved back, folding her arms across her stomach. I could hear her heart racing and feel her breath heating up the interior of the truck.

"Do you think I'll ever get better at this?" she asked. I realized she was asking herself more than me, hoping she could find the same inner strength I found to deal with it. "That my heart might someday stop trying to jump out of my chest whenever you touch me?"

The sound of her heart and how it revealed her emotions was one of my favorite things about Bella. Smugly I answered, "I really hope not."

She rolled her eyes at me and got us back on task. "Let's go watch the Capulets and Montagues hack each other up, all right?"

"Your wish, my command."

Throughout the summer I had become very comfortable at Bella's house, at least when Charlie wasn't around. I made my way to the couch and stretched out while Bella put the movie in and cued it up to play after the opening credits.

I watched her fumble with the VCR, yet another antiquated piece of technology I wanted to replace for her. I had read and seen Romeo and Juliet so many times I could just recite it to Bella myself. I had a feeling that was not what Mr. Berty had in mind and Bella might not be as focused on Shakespeare's words as my recitation.

She hit play and made her way to the couch, perching herself on the edge in front of me. As she leaned back against my chest, I pulled the old afghan from the behind me and wrapped it around her, protecting her from the coldness of my body. The warmth of her body was soothing to me, but I knew the harsh coldness of mine was not something she could endure for the length of a movie. Again, it came down to my protecting Bella from another aspect of what I had become.

"You know, I've never had much patience with Romeo," I commented as the movie began.

She turned to look at me and I could tell she had taken offense at my words. "What's wrong with Romeo?" she asked. It was as if I had insulted her personally.

"Well, first of all, he's in love with this Rosaline – don't you think it makes him seem a little fickle? And then, a few minutes after their wedding, he kills Juliet's cousin. That's not very brilliant. Mistake after mistake. Could he have destroyed his own happiness any more thoroughly?"

To me, Romeo was not this perfect lover or someone to be longed for. He had control of his destiny and he prevented a happy ending at every opportunity. Of course, that was typical Shakespeare.

She turned back to the movie and sighed. "Do you want me to watch this alone?"

I reached around to trace the skin of her arm and could feel the goose bumps form. "No, I'll mostly be watching you anyway. Will you cry?"

She relaxed her body and eased back against me. "Probably, if I'm paying attention."

Bella was a sucker for a tragic love story. I didn't understand. If I had any control of it, which I was certain I did, our love story would not be tragic. It would be epic. The Lion and the Lamb lived happily ever after.

I wanted her to focus on her own love story, not the sad turn of events Juliet had to endure. Besides, I found Bella far more interesting than the movie. Her close proximity to me mixed her floral scent with the scent of her strawberry shampoo. I was drawn to it. I found myself kissing her hair, just to feel it and taste it against my lips. "I won't distract you then," I lied.

I finally focused on the movie because Bella truly seemed intent on watching it. Of course I had to throw in my occasional observation and whisper Romeo's lines in her ear. I wanted her to know I was better than him.

Alas the scene came where Romeo finally saw his Juliet, across a crowded dance floor. He knew the moment he saw her that he wanted her, like I did when I saw Bella. The only difference was, when he saw Juliet he probably didn't turn over in his mind the many different ways he could kill her.

I raised myself up on my elbow and buried my face in her hair, my lips brushing her ear. She shivered at first, but leaned into me as I whispered Romeo's line to her. "'Did my heart love 'til now? For swear it sight, For I ne'r saw true beauty to this night.'"

"Edward, focus. Please," she panted, forcing herself to look at the television and not at me.

"Oh, but I am," I whispered in her ear, running my fingers from the other hand under her hair and around her neck.

Then Romeo and Juliet meet and their hands entwined. His line seemed quite appropriate at the moment, as my fingers traced the veins on her neck. "'Let lips do what hands do,'" I said, moving my lips to the delicate skin of her neck, just under her jaw line. That was where her scent was strongest.

I continued to go back and forth between behaving myself and allowing her to focus on the movie to being so distracted by her presence that I could not quit touching her, kissing her, smelling her, tasting her.

Suddenly time had flown by and Romeo had learned of his beloved Juliet's "death". He was mourning her passing, kneeling next to her body in the Capulet mausoleum, when I suddenly realized Bella was crying. I was amused by her deep involvement in this story.

"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said as I used a lock of her hair to dry her tears.

"She's very pretty," Bella replied. Her lack of self-confidence and inability to see the beauty I saw in her frustrated me and I let out a breath of annoyance.

"I don't envy him the _girl_ – just the ease of the suicide," I tried to explain. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"

She let out a gasp and cut me off as I spoke. "What?"

"It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning…after he realized what he'd become…" Realizing how serious my tone had become, I made an effort to lighten the mood. "And clearly, he is in excellent health."

The movie ended with the fortuitous words, "'For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo.'" Bella was suddenly totally focused on me, hitting the stop button on the movie and turning quickly to look at my face.

"What are you talking about?" she demanded. "What do you mean this is something you had to think about once?"

At this point I realized I had probably said too much, but had reached the point of no return and had to explain my position to her. "Last spring, when you were…nearly killed…" I began, speaking of her encounter with the tracker, James in Phoenix. I tried to not sound so serious, not to alarm her. "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."

I could almost see her head spinning. I knew the memory of her near-death experience at the hands of James was still very fresh in her mind. I also knew that she blamed me for not changing her then. Instead, I saved her life by sucking the venom from her wrist where James had bitten. She looked down at her scar and traced it with her fingers. Suddenly she shuddered and her thoughts returned to the here and now.

"Contingency plans?" she asked, trying to understand that I was telling her that I did not want to exist in a world where she didn't.

"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I rolled my eyes in amazement that she did not already understand that. She was my life now, as it were. "But I wasn't sure how to do it – Emmett and Jasper would never help…so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."

"What is the _Volturi_?" she demanded.

I had to continue to explain this to her, to make her understand my point of view and how few options there were for my kind – to leave this world. "The Volturi are a family," I started to explain, making certain not to look her directly in the eyes. The Volturi were frightening to my kind and I didn't want to cause Bella to have any more restless nights. "A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America – do you remember the story?"

She nodded her head. "Of course I remember."

The first time I had taken Bella to our home in the woods, I took her to Carlisle's office and told her of his history and the beginning of our "family". On the wall of his office was a painting of him and the other members of the Volturi. The beautiful colors of the painting hid the darkness of their purpose.

I saw her eyes move rapidly, trying to remember all of the things I had told her about them in Carlisle's office all those months ago. "Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi," I said, bringing her focus back to my story. "Not unless you want to die – or whatever it is that we do." I was certain to speak in a calm even tone. I didn't want Bella to know how closely I had considered that option in the past. What mattered now was that she was _alive_ and here, with me.

She saw beyond my façade and became angry with me, grabbing my face between her hands, her face so close to mine we were nearly nose to nose. "You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" she said. "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!"

I was still focused on reassuring her that I was happy where I was. I had everything I wanted. She maintained her mortality and I had her. She was all I needed or wanted in the world. "I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point."

As it always was with Bella, she was focused on making her point clearly known. "Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" Her voice grew angrier with each word. The calmer I was, the more intense she became. "How dare you even think like that?"

I did what any man in my situation would have done. I turned the tables on her. "What would you do, if the situation were reversed?"

Her voice returned to its normal tone. She did not like being questioned. She liked doing the questioning. "That's not the same thing."

I chuckled at her answer. Clearly what was good for the goose was not good for the gander as far as she was concerned.

"What if something did happen to you?" she suggested. "Would you want me to go and _off _myself?"

Her words made me twinge where my heart would be if, in fact, I had one. She had resurrected so many human feelings within me and pain was one of them. I did not want to consider that Bella might ever entertain that option. I was selfish and stayed in her life when I knew what was best for her all along -- for me to leave. But she brought me joy and happiness and I could not walk away from that, even if it _was_ in her best interest. I was making things work and I would continue to do so.

"I guess I see your point…a little," I admitted. "But what would I do without you?" Could she not understand that when I told her she was my life I meant it in every sense of the word? Without her I could not imagine existing. Before she had come along I had merely subsisted. Now I thrived. If she were gone I would suffer immensely. One can only experience the lows of life after experiencing the highs and she was the highest point in my existence.

"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence," she said. We seemed to be at another one of our famous impasses. Neither one of us thought we were worthy of the other, yet we persevered in believing we could exist together despite that.

I sighed. "You make this sound so easy."

Now she took a sarcastic tone with me. She reminded me, yet again, that she thought I could do so much better than her. "It should be. I'm not really that interesting."

I realized at that point we make no further progress in this conversation. Besides we had a party to get to. I again pinched the bridge of my nose and hoped the debate would end. "Moot point," I said.

Suddenly I heard Chief Swan's cruiser approaching in the distance and quickly sat up into a more formal position on the couch, separating Bella and I by a couch cushion. I never wanted him to doubt my intentions with his daughter by showing him any level of disrespect in his home.

"Charlie?" she guessed.

I just smiled. This had become routine for us. When Charlie was asleep and I came into Bella's room each night, I would lay beside her in her bed as she fell asleep next to me. But I was always aware of Charlie's movement and presence and never compromised Bella's integrity by allowing him to know I broke the rules, no matter how honorable my intentions were with her.

Soon after, Charlie came in the front door with a pizza box in his hands. He hadn't seemed to have noticed that I never ate.

"Hey, kids," he smiled towards Bella. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"

"Sure. Thanks, Dad," Bella said, making her way to the kitchen to fix a paper plate for them both.

I sat in the living room, pretending to watch the television while Charlie and Bella discussed their day and she thanked him again for his gift of a camera for her birthday. Her mother, Renee, had sent her a scrapbook so Charlie made sure he provided a means to an end for her.

When I realized they were done I stepped into the kitchen, where Bella was throwing the trash away. "Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?" I asked. She glared in my direction, hoping I had forgotten about the party plans.

She then turned her eyes to Charlie, no doubt hoping he had made other plans for her.

"That's fine," Charlie answered, getting up from the table to get another Vitamin R before he headed into the living room for the evening. "The Mariners are playing the Sox tonight so I won't be any kind of company…Here," he said, scooping up the camera and tossing it to her.

Thank goodness I was there to quickly move in and catch it as it glanced off of Bella's fingers, rescuing it before it crashed to the floor. Bella was not coordinated enough for me to consider throwing an expensive piece of equipment like that at her. I couldn't believe Charlie would make that kind of mistake either.

"Nice save," he congratulated me. He then turned back to his daughter. "If they are doing something fun at the Cullens' tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how your mother gets –she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."

"Good idea, Charlie," I added as a good measure. Sucking up always helped.

Bella quickly turned the camera towards me and snapped a picture. "It works," she noted.

"That's good. Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while," Charlie added with a hint of disappointment. He liked me enough, but he adored Alice. He had blamed me for what happened in Phoenix but was eternally grateful to Alice for being there to rescue Bella and aid her in her recuperation from her injuries.

Bella appreciated Charlie's adoration for Alice, but it also frustrated her that he wasn't as open to my presence. I had explained to her she was his only daughter and his apprehension about me was natural. I only wished she had the same instincts for self-preservation.

"It's been three days, dad," she chided him. "I'll tell her."

"Okay. You kids have fun tonight," Charlie said as he made his way to his recliner with the remote in hand.

I smiled, triumphantly, taking her hand to pull her from the kitchen. There was no chance of her getting out of the evening now. Alice would be pleased that I kept my promise and I hoped Bella would be overwhelmed with the love we all had for her. She would know how much we _all_ loved her when she walked into my house to the biggest surprise of all.

When we reached her truck I moved to the passenger side to open her door for her again. This time she stepped in without an argument. She had conceded to the birthday party and gave in to my efforts to make her feel special.

Although the Chevy was nowhere close to my Volvo, performance or appearance wise, I found myself pushing it to it'maximum as I headed North through Forks. I, and my whole family, were incapable of driving slowly – especially when we could run faster than Bella's truck.

"Take it easy," she warned me.

I just smiled and walked through the conversational door she just opened. "You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…"

"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents." Her mood clearly had not softened that much.

"Not a dime," I assured her. And I hadn't. I was a man of my word.

"Good."

"Can you do me a favor?" I asked.

"That depends on what it is," she answered cautiously.

I sighed and spoke with all seriousness. I wanted her to appreciate how much her birthday meant to my entire family. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited." I reached across the seat and took her hand in mind, resting it on the seat in between us.

"Fine. I'll behave," she promised. She had no problem giving me a difficult time,but she was always much more gracious when it came to my family.

"I should probably warn you…"

"Please do."

"When I say they're all excited…I do mean _all _of them." She was not very good with secrets and I figured I should tell her about the big surprise before she stepped into the room and saw my other sister.

"Everyone?" she choked. "I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa." While the rest of Forks believed my older siblings had gone off to college at Dartmouth, Bella had known the truth. Rosalie and Emmett had headed off on another honeymoon – a hunting expedition in Africa.

"Emmett wanted to be here."

"But…Rosalie?" I could hear the wounded tone of her voice. No matter how rude Rosalie had been to Bella she still held out hope she would warm to her.

I squeezed her hand gently, trying to reassure her. "I know, Bella. Don't worry. She'll be on her best behavior."

She was silent and her hand was sweaty under mine, despite the coldness of my own touch. She worried too much about Rosalie. She felt guilty that it was because of her presence in my life that Rosalie and Emmett had stayed away for so long. I could not convince her that Rosalie's problem was about Rosalie and not about her. I hoped, in time, Rosalie would soften and know that Bella was what I wanted.

I decided it was best if I changed the subject. "So, if you won't let me get you the Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?"

She answered in a whisper, not in the mood to fight, but not willing to back down either. "You know what I want."

I scrunched my forehead in utter frustration. If there was one subject I did not want to discuss more than Rosalie it was this one. It had been a constant point of contention throughout the day. It seemed like this day was much more about her wanting to be changed and my unwillingness to do so, rather than the fact she was celebrating a monumental birthday. Today, Bella was officially an adult and I wished she would be happy about that fact.

"Not tonight, Bella. Please." I begged her. If she could just make it through this evening without pushing that issue further I would consider it a minor victory.

"Well, maybe Alice will give me what I want."

I growled deeply at that suggestion. That was the downside of her close relationship with Alice. My sister was unpredictable and adored Bella enough to go against my wishes and make Bella one of us.

"This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella," I vowed. I had never meant something so much in all of my existence. As hard-headed as Bella was, I was immovable on this subject.

"That's not fair!" she protested, pulling her hand from mine.

I clenched my teeth and tried to ignore her protest.

We were pulling up to the house and I hoped Bella was taking note of Alice's efforts. The house was lit up from every room and every floor. Japanese lanterns hung from the cedar porch eaves, casting a soft glow on the huge bowls of pink roses that lined the steps to the front door.

Alice had no memories of her human life and was only recently putting her history together. This party was as much for her as Bella. It was for all the birthdays Alice would never celebrate and all the ones she would never remember.

Unfortunately, Bella moaned. She seemed put-off by the show.

I took several deep breaths in an effort to calm myself. I patted her hand and looked directly into her eyes. "This is a party," I reminded her, "Try to be a good sport."

"Sure," she muttered. I knew she would do it for everyone else, if not for me.

I got out of the truck and moved to her side, opened her door and offered her my hand.

"I have a question."

I waited silently and with trepidation for her query.

"If I develop this film," she asked as she moved the camera from hand to hand, "will you show up in the picture?"

So many myths. So little time to debunk them all. I just laughed as I helped her out of the truck and pulled her up the steps towards the front door.

The moment I opened the door for her and she stepped across the threshold into the huge, white living room the entire family greeted with a chorus of "Happy Birthday, Bella!"

Bella blushed and looked down but didn't complain. Alice had done a beautiful job making the room seem celebratory and beautiful. There were pink candles and dozens of crystal bowls filled with pink roses that filled the room. The scent of the roses was calming in itself. Next to my piano, Alice had covered a table with a white linen table cloth and set up a pink birthday cake, more roses, a stack of glass plates and a small pile of silver-wrapped boxes. Just because I promised not to spend money on her birthday didn't mean the rest of the family had followed that request.

I knew this was exactly what Bella didn't want, but she was doing as I asked and being a good sport about it. I wrapped my arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head.

Carlisle and Esme were closest to us and were the first to welcome Bella. Esme walked over to Bella and gave her a gentle hug before kissing her forehead. Bella's mother wasn't able to make it to Forks from Florida for her birthday since she had just been up after her accident. In so many ways Esme was a mother figure to Bella, as she was to us all.

Carlisle then put his arm around her shoulders and gave her a careful squeeze, whispering loudly, so we all could hear it, "Sorry about this, Bella. We couldn't rein Alice in." The truth was no one wanted to. They were all just as excited about this party as my sister was.

Rosalie and Emmett stood behind my parents. Emmett had a huge grin on his face. He questioned my obsession with Bella in the beginning, but had loved her almost immediately. His wide grin almost made up for the fact that Rosalie refused to smile. I had to give her some level of credit though, she wasn't glaring.

Emmett patted Bella on the back, shaking her slightly. As careful as he tried to be, he was still a bear of a guy. "You haven't changed at all," he cracked. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced, just like always."

"Thanks a lot, Emmett," she said, blushing even deeper. That was Emmett's gift to me. There were so many things I loved about Bella, but I always liked to see the pink color in her cheeks when she blushed, which was often.

He laughed at her embarrassment. "I have to step out for a minute," he said, winking at Alice. We all knew what he was up to, but Bella was clueless and curious. "Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."

Alice skipped over towards Bella, her perfect white teeth sparkling in the bright light of the room. Jasper smiled as well, but remained at the foot of the stairs. When he went with Alice and Bella to Phoenix he had been very close to Bella, yet never posed a danger to her. It was a job he had – to protect her and he took it seriously. Since we all had returned to Forks he kept his distance, as a precaution more than an aversion as was the case with Rosalie.

There was a long time in Jasper's life as a vampire that he hunted humans and he had more difficulty with our diet than the rest of us did.

"Time to open presents," Alice declared, gently leading Bella by the elbow to the cake table.

Bella protested slightly, but played along. "Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything–".

Alice crossed her arms across her chest and smiled smugly. "But I didn't listen." She then took the camera from Bella's hands and replaced it with a big, square box.

Bella reacted to the gift as though it should have been heavy and was surprised by its lightness. A look of confusion crossed her face and she read the card on top. "From Emmett, Rosalie, and Jasper."

She hesitantly tore the paper and stared at the box it concealed. She had no idea what it was -- only that it was empty.

"Um…thanks," she said.

I noticed that Rosalie cracked a smile. She couldn't help herself. Jasper laughed and explained it to Bella. "It is a stereo for your truck. Emmett is installing it right now so that you can't return it."

I had to smile as well. Alice knew enough to know that Bella would go to that effort if given the opportunity. I was also pleased that the gift surprised her, even after my hints at it with the complaints about her sound system earlier in the afternoon.

"Thanks, Japer, Rosalie," Bella smiled. Then she yelled out towards the front of the house. "Thanks, Emmett!"

We could all hear Emmett laugh all the way from the truck and it was a nice break in the mood Bella had arrived in.

"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said with so much excitement she practically squealed. She held out the small, flat, square box that Bella had refused this morning at school.

Bella turned to me with a disapproving glare. "You promised."

Just then Emmett bounded through the front door, pushing in behind Jasper who had moved in close enough to see the gift. "Just in time!"

I brushed a strand of hair from Bella's face and smiled. "I didn't spend a dime."

Bella took a deep breath and reached for the gift. "Give it to me," she sighed.

Emmett let out a chuckle. I knew they all were living out their own birthdays through this one.

Bella rolled her eyes at me, convinced I had broken my promise to her, which I had not.

She slipped her finger under the edge of the paper to tear the tape and muttered, "Shoot."

That was the moment when the glorious evening took a dangerous and emotional turn.

I knew instantly what had happened. She had cut her finger on the paper. I just smelled her blood and I knew the others could as well. I sensed Jasper as he quickly changed into the hunter. Suddenly, Bella was the hunted.

I threw myself at her, in an effort to protect her from Jasper. I didn't have time to worry about how careful I was with her and launched her backwards into the table. The table collapsed underneath Bella on impact and she landed in a heap of cake and broken crystal.

Suddenly Jasper crashed into me with his full force, determined to feed on Bella. His instincts were kicking in. He was unable to control his true nature.

I blocked him from his efforts to reach her and he snarled with a primal fury. I knew that he didn't see me or anyone else in the family. He smelled her blood and was totally focused on that.

Emmett quickly reacted and grabbed Jasper from behind, wrapping his steel arms around him. That allowed me to focus on Bella and her safety.

As I turned to look at her, so had everyone else. She was sitting in a heap of broken glass near my piano, the blood pumping from her veins and running down her arm. She seemed to notice that fact at the same time I did.

The fear on Bella's face was undeniable, for all of her bravado. Suddenly she was at the mercy of six ravenous vampires. I realized then that I was _not_ the most dangerous thing to her – we _all_ were. I could control myself, but I could not control everyone else. I could not be the reason Bella would constantly live in a state of fear. I would have risked anything for her love, but I was not worth that risk to her. I knew that.


	2. STITCHES

**Disclaimer: Let me check. Nope! Still own nothing.**

* * *

Chapter 2 STITCHES

Carlisle immediately took control of the situation. He didn't move but kept his eyes intently on Bella while he motioned my siblings towards the back door.

"Emmett, Rose, get Jasper outside."

The smile that had covered Emmett's face only seconds ago was now gone. He nodded to Carlisle and began to pull Jasper towards the door. "Come on, Jasper."

Jasper was still fighting against Emmett's unbreakable grasp, snapping his teeth at him. His eyes were wild with the desire for Bella's blood.

I quickly turned my attention back to Bella and protecting her. As strong as the scent of her blood was to me, even more so than it was to Jasper, I knew I had to look after her. I stopped breathing in order to keep from inhaling her scent as I crouched over her as a shield. If anyone wanted to get to Bella they would have to go through me first.

I looked up to see Rosalie with a smug grin on her face as she moved to help Emmett with Jasper. This was exactly the kind of situation my older sister had been dreaming of. She had been hoping I would understand the clear distinction between vampire and human and how our worlds could not co-exist. Now she had fuel for her fire.

Then there was my mother, Esme. Her hand covered her mouth and nose as she held the door open for my siblings to leave. Her eyes were filled with sadness, guilt and shame. "I'm so sorry, Bella," she said as she followed everyone through the door into the yard.

Suddenly I felt Carlisle's hand on my shoulder and I tensed, ready to attack.

"Let me by, Edward," her murmured.

I knew of everyone, Carlisle had the most self-control. He was a doctor and had learned through his years of caring for the sick and injured to deal with the scent of blood and its inevitable temptation. He would bring no harm to Bella. I relaxed and nodded, allowing him to inspect her injuries.

Bella's face was frozen with a look of shock and fear. The pain I felt, knowing I was responsible for that, was absolutely palpable.

As Carlisle knelt next to her and examined the damage to her arm I became overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. I despised myself for putting her in this situation. I should have foreseen this happening. I had my guard down because it was my family and, because of that, she could have died.

Suddenly, Romeo's words to Friar Laurens rung in my ears. "'Amen…Amen…But come what sorrow can, it cannot count avail the exchange of joy that one short minute gives me in her sight."

As much pain as I had caused her I still, selfishly wanted nothing more than to be with her – always. She was the most beautiful person in the world to me, even in a moment like this, when I was helpless to do more.

Alice hurried back into the room, handing my father a towel. "Here, Carlisle."

He shook his head. "Too much glass in the wound." He quickly reached over and ripped a long, thin scrap from the bottom of the white tablecloth that now lay beneath all of the destruction. He twisted it around her arm around the elbow, as a tourniquet. I was flooded with memories of her injuries after James had attacked her in Phoenix, when Carlisle had, for the first time, saved her life.

"Bella," Carlisle said softly, trying to keep all of us calm and focused. "Do you want me to drive you to the hospital, or would you like me to take care of it here?"

"Here, please," she whispered. The blush of her cheeks had disappeared and she was absolutely void of color.

"I'll get your bag," Alice said, sprinting up the stairs to his office to retrieve it.

Carlisle looked at me, his eyes full of concern for Bella and compassion for me. Certainly he knew the level of guilt I was experiencing. "Let's take her to the kitchen table."

Without a word I scooped her into my arms. She wrapped her uninjured arm around my neck and laid her head against my shoulder while Carlisle maintained pressure on her wound.

"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked.

Even before she answered, "I'm fine," I knew she would lie to him and me. I knew she was not okay. She was attacked by someone she trusted, by someone _I_ trusted. Suddenly the innocent hope of a happy birthday had disappeared and been replaced by a very real fear for her life.

Alice had already sat Carlisle's bag on the kitchen table and plugged in a desk lamp before I placed her gently into a chair near Carlisle. He quickly went to work to stop the bleeding.

I refused to leave her and continued to hold my breath. I would not leave her out of fear of something worse happening to her. If Jasper could attack her, then so could Alice, or Carlisle. I needed to stay with her, to protect her until I could deliver her safely back to Charlie.

She sighed and reached for my arm with her good hand. "Just go, Edward." She understood how tempting her blood was to me and while I always practiced great restraint and self-control, it was still incredibly difficult for me to fight the urge and desire to kill her. It has simply become a matter of my love for her. That love overpowered every other urge and desire I had.

"I can handle it," I insisted. In breathing just long enough to speak those words I felt the burning in my throat from her scent. My thirst was increasing.

Again, Bella was not the damsel in distress, but the rescuer. "You don't need to be a hero," she said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."

Just as I began to consider the possibility that her suggestion might be a good idea she winced in pain as Carlisle numbed her arm.

"I'll stay," I insisted. After all, what kind of man would I be to leave her in her time of need? My feelings, desires and concern for myself always cam second.

Alice looked at me over Carlisle's shoulder and her eyes were so apologetic.

_I'm so sorry, Edward. I didn't see this happening. Jasper didn't mean to do it._

It was one of those times I was grateful that I could read minds and thoughts, especially Alice's. Bella didn't need to know how guilty either of us felt.

"Why are you so masochistic?" she mumbled, frustrated that I would not do the easy thing and leave the house. Carlisle sensed her frustration and interceded.

"Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."

"Yes," Bella pleaded with me. "Go find Jasper." I could tell by the tone in her voice she was concerned about my brother - typical Bella. She was not worried about herself, just those around her. She had absolutely no sense of self-preservation.

"You might as well do something useful," Alice added.

I was being ganged up on by all three of them but I knew they were all right. I knew Jasper re-acted instinctually, not intentionally. I needed to reassure him that I did not blame him. Instead, I blamed myself for putting her in that situation, and for putting him, and the rest of family in that situation as well.

I gently touched Bella's shoulder and nodded in agreement with all of them. I then hurried out the kitchen door to find my brother. It wasn't too much longer before Alice joined me.

The whole family, with the exception of Carlisle, had gathered near the outbuilding that we had converted into an extra garage.

Jasper and Rosalie were sitting on a stone bench that rested under a madrone tree next to the building. Emmett stood behind him, his hands still on Jasper's shoulders. Esme was standing a few feet away, nearer the tree and appeared to have the weight of the world on her shoulders.

Jasper's eyes were no longer darting wildly and his lips now covered his venomous teeth. I could tell he was still amped up from the whole experience but was working desperately to calm himself.

Alice moved around me and knelt at Jasper's feet, resting her head on his lap. He reached down and gently touched her hair. Alice and Jasper had been together before they joined our family and were bound to each other unlike any other mates I had ever known. They were not separate entities. Alice and Jasper were one and I knew she felt the turmoil that he felt inside himself.

We all stood or sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. Each of us was dealing with our own feelings and issues over what had happened. I needed to give Jasper time to calm down and focus before I spoke to him. I stood alone, several feet away from my family. I had many things on my mind -- most importantly, Bella's well-being.

I was deep in thought when Jasper approached me. "I'm sorry, Edward." He hung his head and raised his eyes to mine. "I…I couldn't control myself…"

"I know," I muttered, reaching to hug him. "You would never intentionally hurt Bella."

"Honestly, I wouldn't," he said.

By then, the rest of the family had moved close to Jasper and I. "I am sorry," I said looking into each of their eyes. "I am so sorry that I put you all in this position."

"Dear Edward you cannot blame yourself," Esme said, rubbing her hand up and down my back. "You didn't know this would happen. No one did."

"You all warned me though," I reminded them. "You told me that she wasn't part of our world."

"Yet," Alice mumbled.

"Alice, please," I scolded her. "That is not something I am going to discuss with you. I _will not_ change Bella, no matter what. I will not take her soul from her."

"Edward, things will be fine. It will work out," Jasper reassured. "I will go away for a while if that would make you feel more at ease." Alice didn't argue with him but I could see in her eyes she hoped it would not come to that.

"No, Jasper. Why should you be punished? Or the family for that matter? This is something I need to figure out," I said.

Rosalie never spoke. She just looked at me with so much self-righteousness. She was the only one who seemed to be pleased with the situation.

"Edward, brother," Emmett said, putting his tree-trunk of an arm across my shoulders, "if Bella is the one for you, and I hope she is, this will all work out. No one died," he smiled. Leave it to Emmett to look at that as an upside to the evening.

"Well, I am sure Carlisle is done with Bella, so I am going to go back into the house and clean-up," Esme said.

Esme joined elbows with me and we walked back in through the front of the house.

As we stepped in through the front door I could still hear Carlisle talking to Bella, "I wasn't sorry, though. I've never been sorry that I saved Edward."

It seemed that Bella, somehow, through all of her pain, managed to get back to her agenda at hand, finding someone to change her. "I suppose I should take you home now," Carlisle said.

I stepped through the dark dining room into the kitchen. "I'll do that," I said. Bella's arm looked much better, not a trace of blood. Carlisle was a very good doctor and I was grateful he was able to take care of her. When she looked at me though, it was with great pain – a pain not related to her physical injuries, a pain from within.

"Carlisle can take me," she said. Perhaps she wanted nothing to do with me. After all, I had put her in harm's way. I could hardly blame her. She looked down at her shirt which was soaked and spotted with blood, parts covered in pink frosting from the cake.

"I'm fine," I assured her, hiding any hint of emotion. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I then stepped back out through the kitchen door to find Alice.

Before I could call her name she appeared in front of me. "I'm sorry, Edward," she apologized.

"Alice, it is not your fault. You planned a party, not a dinner. You didn't know this was going to happen. Did you?" I asked.

"Of course not Edward. Had I known this was going to happen I would not have gone on with the party," she answered in a wounded tone.

"Well, I need to get Bella home and she can't go back to Charlie with blood soaked clothes," I said. "Would you help her find something else to wear?"

"Of course," Alice complied.

She and I stepped back in through the back doors and Esme had already begun cleaning the floor with bleach, to eliminate any traces of Bella's blood. I heard laughter from all three of them and that re-assured me a bit that Bella would not be traumatized permanently by tonight's events.

I stayed back, near the door and away from the group.

Alice went directly to Bella's side and wrapped her arm around her, moving her up the stairs towards the bedrooms. "C'mon. I'll get you something less macabre to wear."

"It will be okay Edward," Carlisle reassured me. "Bella is not angry. She is worried about you."

I huffed at that thought. "Worried about _me_? She was the one who was nearly killed because I put her in harm's way. Why on earth would she be worried about me?"

"She wants you to be happy, Edward – with her. She truly believes you two can be together for eternity and wants nothing more than for that to happen. She doesn't want to be without you. I think she fears this will put a wedge between you," Carlisle explained.

"I'll talk to Bella, Carlisle." I moved towards the front door to meet her. "This is my mess. I will clean it up."

By the time Bella came down the stair case I was holding the door open for her, silently. At this point, I figured the less I said the better. I did not want to reveal my despair to her and I didn't want to broach the subject of her mortality again.

"Don't forget your things!" Alice cried as Bella slowly made her way to me. It seemed she was in no hurry to leave. "You can thank me later," Alice said, tucking Bella's camera and the two packages into her good arm.

Carlisle and Esme gave Bella a quick hug goodnight and said "goodbye" before I took her out to the truck.

I opened the passenger door for her and she got in without argument.

Just as I got into the driver's side Bella took the big red bow off of the dashboard and kicked the ribbon under her seat. Was she truly that ungrateful or was she trying to make any trace of what had transpired earlier disappear?

I maintained my silence, considering all of the possibilities that lay ahead. The fact that I wasn't speaking and reassuring her drove Bella crazy. I could practically feel her tension as I sped down the driveway.

"Say something," she begged as I turned on to the freeway.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked flatly.

She seemed hurt by my tone. "Tell me you forgive me."

The fact that she was blaming herself made me angry. What happened tonight was no one's fault but my own and I was doing my best to punish myself. Now I had to take time away from that to reassure her. "Forgive _you_? For what?"

"If I'd been more careful, nothing would have happened."

"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut – that hardly deserves the death penalty."

She was insistent on taking the blame. "It's still my fault."

I could no longer maintain my controlled silence. I would not allow her to blame herself for something I had been totally responsible for.

"Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Newton's house, with Jessica there and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own – without someone throwing you into them – even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newtown could have held your hand while they stitched you up – and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself." There was a biting tone with every word that came out of my mouth.

Of course Bella would not take my advice and leave the subject alone.

"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.

"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled.

"I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton," I protested. "I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."

She was frustrating me even more than when she keep bringing up the subject of her hopeful immortality.

"Don't be melodramatic, please."

"Well then, don't you be ridiculous," she added.

I was done arguing and refused to answer her and let her reel me into her argument. I was in no mood. I would have preferred that she took the time to blame me, rather than take pity on me.

The rest of the journey back to her house was silent, thankfully. I pulled in front of her house and turned the truck off, but I didn't let go of the wheel. I was still on the defensive, ready for what would come out of her mouth next.

"Will you stay tonight?" she asked softly.

"I should go home," I answered. There was much the family needed to discuss without Bella around and no one would say what needed to be said without me there.

"For my birthday," she begged.

As wrapped in guilt as I was and eager to discuss how the family should handle the situation, her soft pleading touched me.

"You can't have it both ways – either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other."

I could hear her breathe a sigh of relief as the possibility I was softening to her request.

"Okay, I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs."

She hopped out of the truck without my assistance and reached back in for her gifts.

"You don't have to take those."

"I want them," she responded quickly.

"No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you," I argued. It seemed I was as guilty of arguing as she was.

"I'll live," she said, tucking the gifts under her arm and slamming her door.

I quickly made my way around the truck to help her. "Let me carry them, at least," I said, taking them from her. "I'll be in your room."

She smiled. She was happy I was staying and, deep down, so was I. "Thanks," she said.

"Happy Birthday," I sighed, leaning down to give her a light kiss.

She reached up in an effort to make the kiss last longer, as she always did. Her persistence and how she tempted me, made it difficult for me to maintain my virtuosity and preserve hers.

I pulled away and smiled my crooked smile at her. We had more time for lingering kisses when she came to her room. I then disappeared into the darkness that surrounded her house and climbed into her bedroom window, waiting on her.

I could hear her giving Charlie the quick version of the evening, including that she had tripped. She then made her way up the stairs, shutting the bathroom door behind her. It was a routine I had become used to. Bella always had to have her human moments, to shower, brush her teeth and put on her pajamas. I always waited patiently in her room, anticipating the moment when the breeze of the door opening and closing behind her stirred her scent in the air around us.

Tonight was different. I still cherished those things but I knew things were going to have to change. I just wasn't sure what that meant yet.

"Hi," I welcomed her with no fanfare, from the center of her bed – gifts in hand.

Bella was trying very hard to ignore my glum mood and what had transpired earlier. And she was trying very hard to distract me as well.

She walked seductively across the room and pushed the presents out of my hands before straddling my lap.

"Hi," she said, snuggling into my chest. I couldn't help but to wrap an arm around her. "Can I open my presents now?"

I had to keep my focus. I had to consider how I was going to protect Bella in the future and distracting me with her advances was not helping me.

"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I questioned.

"You made me curious," she purred, picking up the long rectangular box that held Carlisle and Esme's gift to her.

"Allow me," I said, taking the box from her hands. The last thing I needed was for her to get another paper cut. It was entirely possible I might attack her if that happened. I had smelled her blood more tonight than I had in months and, combined with my mental weariness, I might not be able to fight the urge. I slipped my finger under the silver paper and removed it, handing her the white, rectangular box.

It took her a minute to figure out that the pieces of paper in the box were plane tickets for both of us. When she did, her face lit up with such joy. "We're going Jacksonville?"

"That's the idea," I answered.

"I can't believe it," she said breathlessly. "Renee is going to flip! You don't mind, though, do you? It's sunny, you'll have to stay inside all day." The tickets had suddenly taken her focus off of trying to seduce me.

"I think I can handle it," I said, frowning that I hadn't gone against her wishes and bought her a present when it clearly made her happy. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain."

She wrapped her good arm around my neck and kissed my cheek. "Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"

I chuckled. "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize that you were capable of being reasonable."

That reminded her of mine and Alice's gift. She laid the tickets down and reached for the box that held our gift. Again, I took it from her to safely open the package. I then handed her a clear jewel case with an in descript silver CD inside.

"What is it?" she asked with confusion.

I wrapped my arm around her back to keep her from falling off my lap while I reached around with the other hand to put the CD in the player that sat next to her bed. I waited with her, in several seconds of silence, before the music started.

I hadn't spent a dime on the gift and I was worried she wouldn't appreciate it after such great gifts from the rest of the family. I wished I had just gone ahead and bought her a gift.

Suddenly I noticed tears welling up in her wide eyes. She was utterly speechless and I could not figure out why. Certainly my gift was not that great. Perhaps it was her arm. She reached to her nightstand for a tissue to dab the moisture away.

I was very concerned that the shock had worn off and she was now in pain. "Does your arm hurt?"

"No, it's not my arm," she smiled. She reached with her hand and touched my cheek. "It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it."

She then leaned quietly against my chest and closed her eyes, listening intently to the CD that was a composition of my music. Alice had recorded me playing several piano pieces; including Esme's favorite but the first song was my personal favorite – the lullaby I had written for Bella after I met her.

"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I explained. Honestly, that thought had crossed my mind but I knew how defiant she could be when it came to me spending money on her.

"You're right," she whispered.

"How does your arm feel?" I asked, nuzzling my face in her hair.

"Just fine," she answered. There was a hint of pain in her voice when he replied and I didn't trust her to tell me the truth. She wouldn't want to ruin this moment by acknowledging she was in pain.

"I'll get you some Tylenol."

"I don't need anything," she said, reluctantly moving back from my chest. I gently moved her off of my lap and onto the bed. Then I made my way, stealthily, to the bathroom.

I could hear her worried reminder as I made it to the bathroom door, "Charlie," she whispered.

I frequently moved throughout the house when I stayed over, which was often, and Charlie never had any idea. It was not as though I was up to anything questionable. My single goal was always to look out for Bella.

I quickly returned and handed her the pills and a cup of water. She took them without argument and lay down in her bed, allowing me to pull the covers up around her. I then made my way to the other side of the bed where I laid down on top of the quilt that I had tucked in around her. I was always careful about keeping her from getting a chill. I put my arm over her and hoped she would fall peacefully asleep so I could do some thinking.

She leaned her head against my shoulder and let out a contented sigh.

"Thanks again," she whispered.

"You're welcome," I whispered back. She truly seemed to be happy with our gift. That pleased me and I knew it would please Alice.

In that moment my whole world was as it should be. Bella was resting in my arms, safe from any harm that might befall her. If only it could always be like that. But I knew that was a moment I could control and, as hard as I tried, I could not control everything or everyone. Moments like the "accident" at the birthday party were far more likely to happen than the moments I spent in her room with her each night.

I knew I needed to walk away, to crawl out her window and never come back. But smelling her, feeling her and loving her kept me from doing what was right for her. Instead I did what I wanted, selfishly. Instead of leaving through the window, I held her safely in my arms. No harm would come to her that night.

After her lullaby ended there were a few seconds of silence before Esme's favorite began to play.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked me in a whisper.

I paused, thinking carefully about how to answer her, "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually."

"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked suddenly. I knew she was trying to distract me, to keep me from replaying the events at my house over and over in my head.

"Yes," I answered with hesitation.

"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."

"You're greedy tonight," I grinned. I certainly didn't mind kissing Bella. I enjoyed it. But I knew she had an agenda and hoped to convince me, one way or another, to give her what she truly wanted for her birthday.

"Yes, I am – but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she quipped.

I laughed, and then sighed. Bella always seemed to have a way with me. I would give her almost anything she asked for. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said, reaching under her chin, pulling her mouth towards mine. She had no idea how desperately I wanted her as well. I had rules though.

Rules to protect her. Rules to protect what I, and my family, had worked for years to establish. I could not simply let all of that be destroyed in a moment of lust.

I kissed her gently and softly, as I always did. I was so careful not to let my venomous teeth come into contact with her. Then I felt her heart race and it made me weak. I knew things were changing rapidly, although I didn't know just yet what that meant. I suddenly wanted her more than ever before and I let the passion sweep over me.

I kissed her with more urgency, less care and twisted her long, brown hair in between my fingers, pulling her mouth closer to mine. This was the point I usually backed away from her and stopped us both from going too far. But right there, right then, I wanted nothing more than to give in to the human desire she had resurrected inside of me. She took my moment of weakness as a moment of opportunity for her and she crushed her body against mine.

Reality hit me again and I closed my mouth and shoved her away.

She fell back onto her pillow, gasping and frustrated.

"Sorry," I apologized, breathless myself. "That was out of line." I knew I came very close to over-stepping the boundaries I had established but I needed her desperately at that moment. I wanted what happened earlier to go away as well. Unfortunately no amount of passion would do erase that.

"_I_ don't mind," she panted.

I frowned at her. Every single time I gave her an inch she wanted to take a mile. With everything else I was wrestling with I did not need to continue the mortality discussion.

"Try to sleep, Bella," I encouraged her.

"No, I want you to kiss me again," she pleaded, moving closer to me.

"You're overestimating my self-control," I warned her.

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she challenged.

"It's a tie," I grinned. Then I became serious again so she didn't think she had a chance at seducing me further tonight. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"

"Fine," she agreed, snuggling closer to me. Finally, she would relax to the music and fall asleep, giving me time to think about how to handle my relationship with Bella, and with my family.

After a few moments she relaxed and pressed her injured arm against my shoulder. I knew she was trying not to be obvious about it. My skin, after all, was like a soothing ice pack to her. A few short minutes later she was sound asleep and I was alone with my thoughts.

If only I could be 17 for real. It would be nice if my biggest worry was being a human teenage boy caught sneaking into and out of my girlfriend's room at night. Instead, I had to constantly walk a fine line between life and death, mortality and immortality with the love of my life. Bella was everything in the world to me, my reason for existing.

I could not imagine a day without her in it but I would not end her life. I also knew that, by staying in it, I was putting her at great risk. It seemed inevitable that death would occur for Bella. I needed to make sure it happened in a natural way, when she was old and gray.

My thoughts were not just about Bella. I had Charlie to think of, and Renee. There was also my family. My selfish love for the beautiful woman that slept soundly in my arms had brought so much pain to so many.

First, I had Jasper to consider. Although he had graduated with Emmett and Rosalie, he remained with us in Forks, with Alice. I couldn't ask him to leave to make me feel better about Bella's safety. I knew he didn't mean to attack her. I knew it was a primal instinct that each of us fought. Perhaps we were all kidding ourselves, believing that the efforts we made to lead a moral life could actually change the fact that we were all destined for hell.

Jasper needed Alice and Alice needed Jasper. I could not separate them. Besides, I knew that if Jasper left, so would Alice. That would split my family apart and devastate Carlisle and Esme.

All of this because I greedily believed I could have a relationship with a human girl, without any consequence. Clearly there was a price to be paid.

I could take Bella away and my family could stay intact, without me. But that meant taking her away from Charlie and Renee and her friends. She still hadn't graduated from high school. And I still was not willing to doom her to hell by making her into the monster each of us had lurking within us, a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Bella was good and kind and pure and destined for Heaven. I would not sentence her to Hell. It was difficult enough accepting that was where I would end up, eventually, without my one true love. But that was a price I was willing to pay for the short time I could have with her, making me feel human. She brought out a side of me I believed had died when Carlisle changed me, a side I didn't know existed – a softer side. She brought out the best in me but I could only bring her pain and sorrow in the end.

I couldn't ask or allow Jasper to leave.

I would not change Bella.

So where did that leave me?

Deep down I knew what had to be done, what I should have done after James tracked Bella to Phoenix. I should have walked out of her life. I should have let her be human and live a normal life. She didn't deserve to be tied down to the eternal damnation that was me.

Because I had become so selfish in my love for her, I had hurt all of those that I loved.

I knew the best thing for everyone was for me to leave. My family could remain together until Alice graduated. Then we could reunite in some other part of the country. Bella would go on with her life. She would forget about me. The only one that would have to suffer would be me and I deserved that. I would tell my family in the morning then tell Bella in a couple of days. I had to work up my courage for that one.

For now I would lay here with Bella in my arms and breathe her scent in for as long as I could. Perhaps it would be enough to linger with me forever – a reminder of the lines I had crossed and the love I felt.


	3. THE END

**Disclaimer: No matter how much I want it to be mine...I own nothing but a handful of tissues after writing Edward's departure.**

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Chapter 3 THE END

Bella fell asleep quickly and was resting peacefully after her emotionally charged day, so I decided I would slip out and run home to discuss my decision with the family.

I gently rolled her away from me and climbed out of the bed. Before I exited through the window I took time to turn and look at her. She was so serene and beautiful. Her long brown hair fell softly across her pillow and her breathing was shallow and restful. She was content, the way I always wanted Bella to be. I had caused her too much turmoil. To ensure she stayed as she was at that moment, I knew I needed to remove myself from the situation. I could not get enough of her and struggled mightily with my decision to leave her. It was what was best for her, and the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

I leapt from the window and hurried towards the house where the family was already making plans of their own.

I could tell that Alice and Jasper were preparing to leave by the suitcases that sat by the front door.

"Carlisle?" I asked in confusion. He was sitting on the couch, with his arm around Esme. He was comforting her. I could tell she was deeply saddened, more than when I had left the house earlier with Bella.

Alice stepped into the room with another suitcase. "We're leaving, Edward."

I stepped towards them, in a feeble attempt to block them from leaving. "No, Alice. That is not what I want. That is not what anyone wants," I pleaded.

"It is the only way, Edward. Jasper is beside himself. I got him to agree to go to Denali for a while and I will not let him go alone." She was not angry. She seemed very sad for me and for Esme and Carlisle. _I hate to see you hurting Edward. This is what is best._

I shook my head in denial. How could this have gotten so out of hand?

"No, Alice. I already thought about this," I explained, grasping her by her upper arm. "I will leave. It is what is best for everyone. Then the family can stay intact and Bella can move on with her human life, as she should."

"Edward, let's discuss this as a family first," Carlisle pleaded as he rose from the couch. "This affects us all."

_Please_, was all Esme repeated in her thoughts.

"But it is my burden to bear," I said somberly.

"Yes, Carlisle," Rosalie chimed in. "It is _his_ burden to bear."

"Rosalie, we are a family and we make decisions as a family. That has not changed," Carlisle said with absolution.

We all gathered around the oval dining room table that was used strictly for family meetings given the fact that we did not eat.

"So, Alice and Jasper, I understand you intend to leave?" Carlisle asked for confirmation.

"Yes," they answered in soft unison.

"And Edward, you have decided you will leave?" Carlisle asked for affirmation.

"Yes," I whispered, "It is the only way."

"These cannot be the only ways," Esme pleaded, reaching out to touch our hands.

_There is another way_, Carlisle thought.

"What other way, Carlisle?" I asked, as everyone turned to look at him, our father figure, for guidance.

"Edward, you have resigned yourself to leave in order to protect Bella?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered, almost as a question.

"As I have said before, our family is the most important thing. We take care of each other. Edward seems to think that what is best for Bella is to have him out of her life," Carlisle began. "We have been in Forks for quite a while and it would be time to move on soon enough anyway."

"Move on?" Alice asked.

"Yes," Carlisle responded. "We leave together, as a family unit. If Edward is not here to protect Bella we do not need to be here either, attracting others of our kind."

"What is your solution?" Jasper asked.

"I do think you and Alice should go to Denali for a few days, to clear your head and surround yourself with others, like us, who understand," Carlisle pointed out. "In the meantime, I think the rest of us should move back to the house in New York. I can teach at Cornell and as soon as you return Jasper, you can begin your studies there. Alice and Edward will finish high school."

_Not ideal but it keeps my family together_, my mother thought.

There was a period of extended silence in which we all considered the options he had presented to us. He had made very valid points and I could not argue. At least I would have the support of my family to help me deal with the loss of Bella.

Jasper turned to me and rested his hand on top of mine. "Brother, this is your decision. I will do whatever you agree to, whatever you think is right, and whatever causes you the least amount of pain."

"Okay," I muttered.

"Okay?" Carlisle asked, uncertain of what 'okay' meant.

"Okay, we will move to New York, immediately," I answered. "You all go on. I have to stay behind and tie up loose ends, to say goodbye. It is the right thing to do."

I knew Carlisle's plan was the best, but the thought of saying goodbye to Bella was going to be difficult. It was the last thing in the world I wanted to do, but the first thing I knew I needed to do.

"Edward, are you certain this is what you want to do? We can leave and you can stay, as much as that would pain us. Bella is your love and we don't want to destroy that," Esme said softly.

"No, Esme. I know that I have been selfish in my love for Bella. The way she made me feel was phenomenal, but I realize that my life, and all it entails, puts her life at constant risk. While leaving her may be the most difficult thing I have ever done, I must do it – for her. I must leave to keep her safe," I replied. The words came out of my mouth with more certainty than I had inside of me. I was trying to convince myself that this was the proper choice. Either way, there was no looking back. My decision had been made.

"We'll leave tomorrow, Edward. You follow as soon as you can," Carlisle said.

Rosalie had a smug look on her face. She would be returning to New York, her home and she would be rid of her human problem, Bella.

_I am so sorry, Edward. I wanted it to work. I really liked Bella. You'll be okay. The right mate will come along for you_, Emmett thought.

I rose from the table and everyone else followed suit. "I will head back to Bella's so she doesn't miss me when she wakes. I will handle this and join you in a few days."

_Edward, tell Bella we are sorry and that we love her_, Alice thought.

"I will do my best Alice, but I do not know if it will fit into my plan," I said.

Before I could accept or deal with any more of their pity, I ran out of the house, back to Bella – to hold her one last time.

I slipped back in through her window and found my place next to her in the bed. I had a couple of more hours before the sun rose. I was determined to spend every moment I had committing everything about Bella to memory. Because I, we, could not sleep I found it fascinating to watch Bella do so and never wanted to forget the way she looked at night, laying next to me.

She seemed restless when I returned, as though her arm were causing her pain. I gently moved it back against my shoulder so the coldness of my body would soothe the burning of her wound.

I nuzzled my face into her hair, breathing in deeply the strawberry scent of her shampoo. I let the soft curls of her brown hair encircle my face, bringing me closer to her.

I occasionally kissed her forehead or the top of her head, sometimes tracing the outline of her lips with my fingers. These little moments would soon become just memories and I never wanted to forget them. I brought my face down close to her neck and breathed in deeply, letting the floral scent of her blood fill my lungs with a burning desire.

I could change it all right now. I could give in to my animalistic tendencies and drink Bella's blood. I could make her one of us, like she desired, and have her by my side forever. But I knew what was right. Carlisle had trained us better. Although I had killed in the past, I had committed to never do so again and I would not be responsible for taking a soul as beautiful and pure as Bella's out of this world.

Perhaps, in the end, God would grant me a pardon for the efforts I have made to lead a moral life and would forgive me all my sins for the greatest sacrifice I will ever make, to keep Bella for Him. Then maybe, one day, I could meet my Bella in Heaven, if what Carlisle said about us having a shot at salvation were true. As much as I believed my soul had long been damned to hell, I would have to convince myself that Heaven was possible as long as I believed Bella would meet me there.

As the sun started to peak through Bella's bedroom window I knew it wouldn't be long before she awoke. Slowly she stirred and welcomed me with a hint of a smile. It wasn't the time to tell her of my decision. I still needed time. I kissed her gently on the forehead and slipped back out her window.

I headed home to change my clothes and get into the Volvo to head to school. I would meet her in the parking lot like I always did. The difference today was Alice would not be there with me. As I prepared to head to Forks High School, my family was already preparing to leave the town, forever.

As soon as she pulled into the parking lot, I met her at her truck. She had a look of concern on her face as I opened her door for her. I was certain she knew something was amiss, but wasn't quite sure what it was.

"How do you feel?" I asked, referring to her arm. I was sure the soreness had set in from the night before.

"Perfect," she lied as I slammed the door of the truck behind her. I couldn't read her mind, but I could pick up on inflections in her voice and I knew she was less than perfect.

The morning drug on slowly. I would occasionally ask how she felt and she continued to try to convince me she was fine. We were doing nothing more than making small talk. She sensed something was wrong and I didn't want to have to answer any questions I wasn't prepared to face yet, so I figured the less I said the better.

I was surprised that it took Bella until lunch to ask me about my sister's absence. "Where's Alice?" she asked anxiously.

I was trying to avoid eye contact with her all day, particularly when I answered questions that might lead to revealing my plan before I was prepared. I crushed a granola bar between my fingers. "She's with Jasper," I muttered.

"Is he okay?" Bella asked with great concern. Even after what had happened last night and how close she had come to dying at his hands, she worried about him.

"He's gone away for a while," I answered. It was a half-truth. He _was_ gone, just forever.

"What? Where?" she panicked.

I continued to remain calm as I responded to her questions. "Nowhere in particular."

"And Alice too," Bella answered to herself, desperately.

I glanced quickly in her direction, trying to see, in her expression, if she understood the full truth that I had yet to reveal to her. "Yes. She'll be gone for a while. She was trying to convince him to go to Denali."

Bella knew of the Denali coven in Alaska. They were a coven like ours, one that practiced 'vegetarianism'. I had gone there to escape and clear my head when I had first met Bella and wanted desperately to kill her. It is where the nomad, Laurent had gone to when he parted ways with Bella's hunter, James, and his mate Victoria. It was a safe-haven for us.

Tanya's family in Denali provided comfort for us in our times of need and desperation. There we had others who struggled to maintain the same lifestyle we did and there was plenty of hunting to sustain us all.

I noticed Bella's head drop and a frown cross her face. She looked as though she were trying to crawl into an invisible hole somewhere under the lunch table.

I hoped her expression had more to do with the pain in her arm than the pain in her heart. "Is your arm bothering you?" I asked.

"Who cares about my stupid arm?" she muttered.

I knew then that she was beating herself up about Jasper and Alice's departure. How was she going to take it when I had to tell her it was everyone, not just my brother and sister? I didn't say anything to her as she laid her head on the table. What _could_ I say?

The rest of the afternoon we went through the motions of going from one class to another, in complete silence. Neither one of us seemed to know what to say to the other. Twenty four hours earlier we were disagreeing over whether she would attend her party or not. Things had changed drastically and neither of us was sure how to deal with the changes each of us were experiencing.

As I walked her to her truck at the end of the day she finally broke the silence. "You'll come over later tonight?" she asked.

I assumed I would be coming over right after school, as I always had. It would either be the moment I decided to tell her of our decision or another few cherished hours with her. Although, in the frame of mind I was in, I was hardly good company or able to appreciate the good things. How could I appreciate her laugh or her endearing klutziness when I knew it would not be long before I left her, never to see any of those things again? Any time with her only prolonged the inevitable, my mourning.

"Later?" I asked. I wondered why she didn't expect me right after school.

"I have to work," she explained. "I had to trade with Mrs. Newton to get yesterday off."

Of course she did. I should have remembered that. Alice had arranged with Mrs. Newton to let Bella off for her birthday. I should have remembered she would have to make up the day.

"Oh," I murmured with disappointment. If only she understood how little time we had left together, she would skip work. But I could not tell her until I left. I had to make the break as easy as I could for her, a clean break. I could not make it a prolonged departure. Doing so would only give her time to convince me of what I wanted to convince myself of, that we could overcome this and remain together. But I knew what the truth was, we could never be together.

"So you'll come over when I'm home, though, right?" she asked as if she were unsure if I would be there.

"If you want me to," I answered. I wasn't sure that she wanted my company either. I was more down and despondent than normal and hadn't been good company all day.

She reached out to grasp my arm, to reassure me. "I always want you," she said.

I _always_ wanted her as well, but I would soon have to find a way to convince her otherwise.

"All right, then," I answered.

I kissed her forehead as I always did and shut the truck door after she climbed in. As she started the engine, I turned to make my way to the Volvo.

While she was at work I would head back to our family home, in the woods and prepare for my own departure.

I pulled into the driveway and there was an eerie silence. When I opened the garage door it was empty. Emmett's Jeep, Rosalie's BMW, Carlisle's Mercedes. They were all gone. I opened the cabinet doors and realized all our "emergency" supplies were gone, with the exception of one back-pack left for me, filled with money, a passport and my "papers". I took it out and carried it into the house.

All of the lights in the house remained on. Surely Esme wanted everyone to believe we were still in residence, until I announced my departure.

The silence was absolutely deafening. There were no thoughts for me to avoid reading. There were no giggles from Alice, after beating Jasper at a game of chess. The sounds of my mother and father reviewing the latest re-decorating plans were not there to welcome me home. There was only emptiness and nothingness.

I glanced over and saw my piano sitting silently. This was where I sat and composed the lullaby for Bella, the one Alice had helped me record onto a CD for her birthday. It was the piano where I composed Esme's favorite song, a testament to the love she and Carlisle shared, an eternal love I would never have.

I slid onto the bench at the piano and lifted the lid that covered the keys. I paused for a few moments and considered what to play. What spoke to me was Esme's song, so I let the tune flow from my fingertips.

The peaks and valleys of the song echoed throughout the empty house and reverberated in my head. I never quite felt the song the way I felt it now. I realized that the eternal love Esme and Carlisle shared would never be mine. I had waited over 100 years to find My Bella and now I had to walk away, the pain I was feeling was enormous.

While I played Esme's song, I considered the best way to break the news to Bella. It was clear that there was no _one_ way that was going to be ideal. Leaving her was going to be hard on both of us, but I wanted to make it easier on her if I could. I wanted to bear the brunt of the pain.

If I had just stayed away from her in the beginning, like I should have, I would not have to break her heart now. My only solace was in the fact that she was human and would move on. Her memories of me would fade and be replaced with new ones, happier ones, with someone who could give her the future she deserved – the future I could never offer her.

The only way she would accept my leaving, and not try to follow me, would be if I convinced her that I no longer loved her. Was I strong enough to do that? I would always love Bella, and _only_ Bella. How would I ever convince her of something I would never believe? I had to. It was what was best for her.

I couldn't end things today. Knowing how stubborn she was, I knew I would be in for a fight to convince her she needed to let me go. I wasn't strong enough for that, yet. I wasn't strong enough to fight her when she begged me to stay and I knew I had to be strong enough, for both of us.

I closed the lid on the piano when I realized that Bella would be leaving work soon. I knew I needed to head to her house and somehow make it through the evening without revealing my plans. I would not stay the night. I couldn't. If I spent one more night in her bed, holding her in my arms and breathing in her scent, I would _never_ leave and that decision would doom us both.

As I stepped out the front door, the rain began to fall, which wasn't unusual in the rainiest place in the continental U.S., but today it mirrored the emotional downpour I was feeling. I climbed into the Volvo and headed to Bella's house.

I arrived before she had gotten home and took a seat in the living room with Charlie, pretending to watch ESPN's SportsCenter. At least it was a distraction. I was grateful, at that point, that Charlie was not the talkative type. He was content to sit in silence and watch the television.

It wasn't long before I heard Bella's truck amble into the driveway. The moment she walked through the door she called out for us.

"Dad? Edward?"

"In here," Charlie replied, lifting his beer in the air, never taking his eyes off the television. I focused on the scores running across the bottom of the screen. I had to avoid making eye contact with Bella. Looking into her warm, brown eyes would only make what I had to do more difficult.

"Hi," Bella said quietly, patting the back of the chair I was sitting in.

"Hey, Bella," Charlie said, with his eyes still focused on the program, "We just had cold pizza. I think it's still on the table." He motioned to the kitchen where he had left the box of pizza. Of course _I_ hadn't eaten anything. I only pretended to for Charlie's sake.

"Okay," she said, waiting in the doorway to the kitchen.

I knew I had to respond in some way or she would certainly know something was amiss. "I'll be right behind you," I gave her the best smile I could offer.

She made her way into the kitchen while I took a few moments to muster my strength to pretend nothing had changed since before her birthday. I couldn't do it. I needed the safety and security of Charlie in the room, to keep Bella from pumping me for details as to what I was thinking. Instead, I stayed in the arm chair and pretended to be distracted by the sports wrap-up on the television.

The entire time I tried to focus on the broadcast, I was aware of every movement Bella made in the other room. I could feel her anxiety; hear her nervously fiddling with things in the kitchen. She was most likely anxiously awaiting my arrival. If she asked, I would just pretend to have forgotten.

After several minutes, Bella came out of the kitchen and headed up the stairs to her room. I had no plans to follow her. Again, I was relying on the security of Charlie's presence.

She wasn't gone very long before I heard her move softly down the stairs. Bella never came down the stairs quietly so I assumed she was trying to take me by surprise. While the thought of that amused me, I was focused on just making it through the evening.

Sure enough, she peeked from around the corner and quickly snapped a picture of me and Charlie. Neither one of us had time to put on a "happy" face. In fact, Charlie frowned as soon as the flash went off.

"What are you doing, Bella?" Charlie complained.

"Oh, come on," Bella protested, with a smile that seemed forced. She stepped around me and took a seat on the floor in front of the couch where Charlie sat. "You know Mom will be calling soon to ask if I'm using my presents. I have to get to work before she can get her feelings hurt."

"Why are you taking pictures of me, though?" Charlie grumbled. I could see his point. Why would Renee want pictures of her ex-husband, even if they _were_ civil with each other?

"Because you're so handsome," Bella laughed, patting him on the leg. "And because, since you bought the camera, you're obligated to be one of my subjects."

"If it makes you happy," Charlie mumbled, too low for Bella to hear.

"Hey, Edward," Bella said, turning her attention to me. "Take one of me and my dad together." She tossed the camera to me and knelt next to Charlie's face, by the arm of the couch.

"You need to smile, Bella," I reminded her. She seemed pre-occupied with something that prevented her from remembering to smile.

She managed a toothless grin and I took the picture, the flash filling the room.

"Let me take one of you kids," Charlie offered in an effort to take the camera's focus off of himself.

I stood and tossed the camera to him.

Bella rose and moved next to me. I laid my hand on her shoulder, more gently than usual. She moved closer to me and wrapped her arm tightly around my waist, as though she noticed the distance I was trying to put between us.

Again, Bella had forgotten to smile so Charlie reminded her. "Smile, Bella."

I felt her take in a deep breath. It seemed to require a great deal of effort for her to pretend to be happy tonight, almost as much as it did for me. Neither one of us were happy and neither one of us was revealing why to the other.

"Enough pictures for tonight," Charlie proclaimed. He tucked the camera into the cushions on the couch and sat down over it so Bella could not retrieve it. "You don't have to use the whole roll right now."

I dropped my hand from her shoulder and slipped back into the arm chair. When I arrived, I had chosen the chair instead of the couch before Charlie had a chance to claim it. If I was in the chair, there was no opportunity for Bella to sit with me, less effort I would have to make at keeping up appearances.

Bella went to sit by her father on the couch and the three of us finished watching the show, in silence. As the end credits rolled I rose from the seat, ready to leave for the night.

"I'd better get home," I said. I hoped Bella would not push me to stay. I always said I was going home, for Charlie's sake. Every evening I returned as soon as he went to bed. Tonight would be different. I would not be climbing through Bella's window again.

Bella followed me out the front door to my car.

"Will you stay?" she asked. I could tell by her voice that she already knew what my answer would be. However, she remained hopeful.

"Not tonight," I said softly, looking at the ground. I could not bear the pain of looking into her eyes, pleading with me to return to her.

She didn't protest and I climbed into my car without kissing her goodnight. I shut the door and pulled out of the driveway, headed for home, one last time. Tomorrow, I would have to tell Bella. I could not endure another painful night like tonight, with words unspoken between us. The sooner I ended this and left her to her life, the better.

Since no one was left at the house, I pulled my car into the garage and headed directly for my room.

I packed my clothes into a couple of boxes and filled another couple with my journals.

My journals were my solace. They were where I went to exorcise my demons, wallow in self-loathing and relish the joyous times of my existence - one hundred years of my inner most thoughts. The joyous times could all be found in one journal, the most recent one. It was the journal I had been keeping since the day Bella Swan walked into my life and it was this journal I found myself opening.

I sat back in my leather chair and began to read it.

_July 4th, 2005_

_Today was one of the best days of the summer, so far._

_I picked Bella up at her house just before lunch. Charlie left earlier in the morning to go on a fishing trip with his friends and Esme wanted to make sure Bella was able to celebrate the holiday with family._

_Alice and Jasper decorated the back porch with red, white and blue decorations and tikki torches. Carlisle and Esme grilled hamburgers, hot dogs and steaks, all for Bella._

_Emmett and Rosalie were still in Africa on their "honeymoon". I lost count of how many times they had celebrated their marriage to one another over the years. They left just after their graduation which was sooner than we expected but Rosalie had desperately needed a change of scenery. At least she was out of my hair._

_Bella was surprised and overwhelmed by the effort my family had gone to for her. My family always went over the top when it came to her and I was surprised she was surprised, but she was happy._

_We listened to music together and played board games on the back porch until it was nearing twilight. Then I took Bella to Seattle for the biggest surprise of all._

_I had reserved the South Bay Room at the Waterfront Seafood Grill, just for us. We had a fabulous view of the Olympic Mountain Range and Elliott Bay and we had it all to ourselves. I gave the manager enough money to cover what they would have made had they filled the room to capacity and fed all of those diners. I wanted to enjoy the fireworks over the Bay with Bella and no one else._

_She enjoyed a steak and shrimp and freshly steamed vegetables before finishing off with a fabulous dessert. I smiled when she tried to eat every last bite, worried that I had spent too much money on her for the evening. She wanted to make sure I got every dime's worth out of it. I didn't care. No amount of money would have been too much to give Bella this evening._

_After she finished her dinner we walked out onto the patio where I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her close to me as the fireworks reflected off the Bay. Sailboats and ferries went by casually and Bella was speechless the entire time, standing in awe of the fireworks. It was the first summer she had spent in Washington since she was a little girl._

_Every day I spent with her since we returned from Phoenix had been magical and I wanted this day and night to be no exception._

_As the final volley of fireworks lit up the sky, she turned to face me and I held her face in mine. I still could taste the sweetness of her lips when I kissed her and how soft her hair felt tangled around my fingers._

_When I dropped her back at her house Charlie was already in bed, exhausted from his day of fishing. It had been the rainiest summer on record but the rain clouds stayed away for this one special day._

_Since Charlie was already in bed I didn't have to go home and return to Bella's room later. I parked my car around the corner and gave her enough time to let Charlie know she had made it home safely, and then I climbed into her bedroom window and spent the night lying next to her with the summer breeze blowing through the window._

_EC  
_

I was heartbroken, remembering how wonderful things had been just a couple of months ago. It seemed then that nothing could stand in the way of our future together. Now, there was nothing in the world that could keep us together.

I closed the journal and added it to the box with the others. I filled a couple of more boxes with some of my music collection and set it by my bedroom door. I knew the time for me to leave was looming ever closer.

Bella and I sat in Mr. Berty's English class and Bella was more distracted than I was, not hearing his question about Lady Capulet.

"Ms. Swan, what did Lady Capulet ask her Juliet after her father met with the Priest?" Mr. Berty asked for the second time.

"He asked, 'how stands your disposition to be married?'" I whispered to her.

Bella repeated the answer I had given her and mouthed a 'thank you' to me when Mr. Berty turned his back to her.

We both were wrapped up in our own thoughts the rest of the morning and lunch offered no change for me. At least with her friends around, Bella pretended to be in her "normal" frame of mind.

She asked Jessica and Mike and the others to pass her camera around and take pictures of each other for her. While they snapped away, giggling and making silly faces I caught Bella staring at me, searching for an answer to my distance. I offered her nothing, not yet.

After school I walked Bella back to her truck, as I always did. I knew she had to work and hoped she wouldn't ask me to come over. She didn't. Silently, she drove away and I went on a quick hunting trip in the woods that surrounded our home.

I missed hunting with Alice and with Carlisle. I had no one to talk to, no one to discuss the turmoil I was feeling within myself.

But how could I expect sympathy? I had made my own bed and now I had to lie in it. I was certain my family was sad as well. They would be sad to leave Forks so suddenly and to leave Bella, too.

When night fell I ran to Bella's house, but I didn't climb in her window. I didn't even knock on the door. I stood in the woods outside her window and watched her through the thin curtain.

She was working on her scrapbook, adding the pictures she must have already gotten developed and making notes on each page. Occasionally she would go to her window and search the darkness for me, like Juliet looking for her Romeo. But Bella's story would end far better than that of Juliet. Bella would not die because of me. She would live in spite of me.

When I arrived at school the next morning I was surprised that Bella had already arrived. She waited for me next to my normal parking space.

Before I left the house for school, I packed all of the boxes into the trunk of the Volvo. I was careful to keep any trace of my plan hidden from her. I was certain she wouldn't ask any questions.

I put my arm around her waist and walked with her to our classes, but I was not emotionally present. I was consumed with the responsibility I had to live up to at the end of the day.

The day dragged on and the silence between us seemed as vast and deep as the Grand Canyon.

By the end of the day, I could tell that Bella had grown weary of the past few days and was becoming frustrated with me. She had no idea how heavily everything was weighing on my mind.

I walked her to her truck after our last class and could tell she was anxious.

"Do you mind if I come over today?" I asked. I remembered that she had mentioned at lunch that she had the day off and there was no time like the present to do what had to be done. The sooner the better - for Bella.

"Of course not," she said in surprise. She had probably expected to have to ask me over again.

"Now?" I asked, opening her door.

"Sure," her voice cracked as she climbed in. I could tell by the inflection in her voice that she was hopeful. "I was going to drop a letter for Renee in the mailbox on the way. I'll meet you there." She certainly was not prepared for what I was about to throw at her and for that I felt shameful.

I looked past Bella to the envelope on the seat next to her. It was stuffed with, what I assumed, were the pictures she had promised her mother.

"I'll do it," I said quietly, managing a smile as I reached across her to take the envelope, "And I'll still beat you there."

"Okay," she agreed and I shut her door.

I got into the Volvo and she pulled out of the parking lot.

Part of what I had to do was make this as clean a break as possible for Bella and she didn't need reminders of me.

I opened the envelope in a way I could reseal it with no one knowing any different. I flipped through the pictures and removed any that included me.

There was one photo of Bella, at my house, on the night of the party and she looked so beautiful. Her cheeks were pink from blushing and her eyes warm and loving. I pulled it out, to keep for myself and slipped it in my jacket pocket. Selfishly I could not allow myself as clean a break as I hoped to provide for Bella.

I re-sealed the envelope and dropped it in a mailbox on the way to her house.

Taking back roads and breaking several traffic laws, I managed to beat Bella back to her house and went about my final tasks before breaking the news to her.

I entered her window and found the scrapbook that lay next to her bed. I removed the picture of me on the front and the pictures of me that she had put inside the book. All that remained was her handwriting with my name and the date.

I reached into her CD player and removed the CD that I had made for her birthday. I put it in between the pictures and raised a floorboard in her room where I placed the reminders of me. Perhaps one day she would find it and look back on our time together fondly. Perhaps she would never find it. I just could not bring myself to remove it from her completely.

By the time she arrived back at the house I was waiting for her next to my car.

She pulled into her space and the smile that appeared on her face as she came up the street quickly disappeared when she saw me.

As soon as she stepped out of the truck I went to meet her. I took her backpack from her and shoved it back onto the seat, closing the door behind her.

"Come for a walk with me," I suggested, taking her hand in mine.

She took my hand with hesitation. I could hear her heartbeat quicken and knew she was fearful. I also knew that whatever she feared was nothing compared to what she would soon face.

I pulled her along the trail near her house until we were in the canopy of the forest. I released her hand and leaned against a tree. Her eyes were enormous as she looked at me. She looked like the deer that we hunted in the forest. She was so innocent and trusting and I was about to destroy her.

"Okay, let's talk," she said bravely. That was Bella, no fear. She faced everything as though she was a warrior heading into battle.

I still could not look her in the eyes. I focused on the ground as I began. "Bella, we're leaving."

"Why now? Another year ---?" she asked.

"Bella, it's time. How much longer could we stay in Forks, after all? Carlisle can barely pass for thirty, and he's claiming thirty-three now. We'd have to start over soon regardless." I felt the more rationalization I put behind this the more accepting she would be of it, if it were not just about me, but my family as well.

She stared at me in silence. There was confusion on her face and I realized, as the color in her cheeks disappeared, that she had not understood what I was saying – not at first anyway.

Now she looked like she did the day of the blood typing, the day I valiantly carried her to the nurse, saving her from a boring future with Mike Newton. Now I regretted that I had tempted fate and intervened.

"When you say we –", she whispered. The realization of what I was trying to say was hitting her.

I took my time as I answered her, clearly. I did not want there to be any further misunderstanding. "I mean my family and myself."

She shook her head as though she could shake the reality off of her. I remained by the tree, not wanting to give in to my desire to hold her and comfort her. That would only make this more difficult.

"Okay," she said. "I'll come with you."

I knew that, at some point, Bella would offer her soul to me. That was not a bargaining tool as far as I was concerned and I had prepared myself for that.

"You can't, Bella. Where we're going…It's not the right place for you," I explained.

With each and every word that came out of my mouth I could see that they cut her like a knife and I hated myself for putting Bella in this situation.

"Where you are, is the right place for me," she tried to convince me. Only a few days earlier I would have believed her. A few days earlier I believed it myself. Now I knew nothing could be further from the truth.

"I'm no good for you Bella," I muttered, trying just as hard to convince her of that truth.

"Don't be ridiculous," she laughed in near hysteria. "You're the very best part of my life."

"My world is not for you," I said more sternly.

"What happened with Jasper – that was nothing, Edward! Nothing!" she yelled.

"You're right," I agreed, but not for the reasons she probably expected. "It was exactly what was to be expected."

What happened with Jasper was no one's fault. It was the law of nature and I had gone against that by trying to keep Bella in my world. It was like taking her into a cage full of lions and hoping she was acclimate.

"You promised! In Phoenix, you promised that you would stay –", she continued to yell at me, as though the louder her voice became, the more likely I was to listen.

"As long as that was what was best for you," I interrupted. I despised myself for breaking a promise to Bella. But that promise did have its conditions, even though we hoped it would never come to that.

"No! This is about my soul, isn't it?" she shouted, her voice echoing in the empty forest. "Carlisle told me about that, and I don't care, Edward. I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't want it without you – it's yours already."

Her pleas were pulling at my heartstrings, but I had to remain strong. Had I been able to form tears I would have been bawling like a baby. I hated to hear the disparity in her voice and know that I was causing it.

I had to regain my composure and convince her. I continued to stare at the ground, knowing that if I looked at her for one second I would give in to her pleas. I steadied myself and gathered all the strength I had left within me.

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." The words burned as they came out of my mouth. I had just told her the biggest lie I had ever told and hated myself more than I ever had before. The truth was I loved her and wanted to be with her forever, but there was no possibility of that.

"You…don't…want…me?" she stuttered, the tears welling up within her as she fought them back.

"No," I lied again. I didn't know how much longer I could go on with this, how much longer I could hurt her.

I finally looked up to meet her gaze and looked her directly in the eyes. I knew that I had to do that to convince her. I knew that I had to let her see that what I said was the truth. Now I had to lie with my body, not just with my words.

She stared silently into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity before she spoke.

"Well, that changes things." That was not the response I had expected. I expected the tears to flow and for her to beg me to reconsider. Deep down that is what I wanted. I wanted her to convince me that I was making a mistake.

I looked into the trees, averting her stare. Eventually my eyes would give away my truth, the truth that I _did_ love her and _didn't_ want to leave.

"Of course, I'll always love you…in a way," I needed her to believe that what I had felt for her was real, but was not the case now. "But what happened with the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm…_tired_ of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." For once, I had spoken the truth to her. That was the crux of the entire situation, I was not the same as her and I was not good enough for her. I had no right to inflict a sentence on her because she loved me. She deserved so much more. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that."

"Don't," she whispered. Her eyes pleaded with me. "Don't do this."

I stared into her eyes. I knew that I had weakened her and this was going in for the kill. This was the moment I needed, to seize the opportunity, I had to let her see the monster that I was.

"You're not good for me, Bella," I said.

She started to say something and then paused, reconsidering.

"If…that's what you want," she conceded.

I nodded that it was exactly what I wanted. But it was the farthest from the truth. It was what was necessary.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said, completely selfish of me yet again. I had the nerve to ask her for something else, as if offering me her soul was not enough from her.

"Anything," she said. I could tell she was hopeful, that there was a way around this but there wasn't.

I looked her in the eyes again and I felt something soften inside of me. As harsh as I had tried to be with her to convince her that my leaving was for the best, I still cared deeply for her and wanted to know she would take care of herself.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I demanded. When I told her I would ask something of her, there was no asking involved. "Do you understand what I am saying?" I wanted to make sure she understood what I needed.

I could see the hope fade away in her eyes and she nodded that she understood.

I didn't believe, at this point, that she would keep her promise to me. After all, I had broken my promise to her so I turned my request around so she could not get out of it.

"I'm thinking of Charlie, of course. He needs you. Take care of yourself – for him."

She nodded again. "I will," she promised. Even though she was promising for Charlie's sake, I hoped it would be enough to keep her safe when I was no longer around to protect her from herself.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I offered. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interferences from me. It will be as if I never existed."

That was my fervent hope for Bella. I knew, with my family's help, I would keep my promise to Bella, and stay away from her.

I smiled, reassuringly at her. "Don't worry. You're human – your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind," I said. It seemed so harsh, but true. There was a difference in our kinds and I knew that.

"And your memories?" she asked, continuing to choke back the tears. I knew she wanted to hear this was as difficult for me as it was for her, but I had to make her believe this was easy for me. I didn't need her to worry about me or hold out hope that one day I would return, realizing I had made a tremendous mistake.

"Well," I began to explain, "I won't forget. But my kind…we're very easily distracted." It was true. I would never forget. Bella had entered my world very unexpectedly; after I had convinced myself I was never meant to find true love. I would never forget the wonderful love she had given me.

I smiled again, to reassure her and stepped away from her, back towards the trail that led to the house. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again."

While I thought that would be my parting shot and I could walk off into the sunset I noticed my words seemed to hit Bella like a ton of bricks.

"Alice isn't coming back," she whispered. She realized at the point, that when I left, everyone left.

I looked at her, to make sure she wasn't going to faint. "No. They're all gone. I stayed behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" she questioned. She seemed to be as equally devastated by my sister's departure as she was of mine.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you," I said, hoping the words would offer her some comfort. Deep down I knew it only offered her more pain.

I stepped close to Bella again and whispered into her hair, "Goodbye, Bella."

"Wait!" she pleaded, reaching out for me.

I reached out and held her by her wrists, placing them at her sides. I leaned down and kissed her for the last time on her forehead, breathing in her scent, letting it burn in my lungs.

Her eyes were closed and I softly requested the last thing of her. "Take care of yourself," I said, turning to disappear from her sight. I quickly left the woods and climbed into the car.

I felt a lump in my throat as I looked one last time in my rear view mirror at Bella's house and Forks. Now I melted. I used up every last bit of strength I had within me to leave her. I had nothing left. I was hollow inside once again, a Romeo without his Juliet.

As I neared the edge of town something inside me pulled me back. I just knew something wasn't right. I had to make sure Bella was okay.

I stopped my car out of sight of her house and watched her bedroom window from the woods. There was no movement in the house. Fear overtook me. Bella had not made it home.

I could not go back on my promise to leave. If I appeared now I would never be able to leave again and she would never trust me.

Instead, I sneaked into the house and scrawled a note for Charlie. I had learned to duplicate Bella's handwriting to the point even she would never know.

_Going for a walk with Edward, up the path._

_Back soon, B_

I attached it to the refrigerator with a magnet. I was certain Charlie would find it as soon as he returned from work and went to the fridge for his Vitamin R.

I left the confines of the house and found a tree nearby to stay and watch, waiting for Bella to return safely to the one man who would never hurt her, her father.

Charlie returned home shortly after I left the note. Unlike me, he did not panic right away. He had no idea she was lost somewhere in the woods.

As darkness began to fall and the black moon rose in the sky, Charlie went to search the nearby trails.

He returned without Bella and I contemplated whether I should break my promise and search for her myself or wait for the search party that quickly formed, to rescue her.

How could I have left her there in the woods, alone? I thought she was close enough to the trail to find her way home. I let Bella down at every turn. I could not even leave her safely. In an effort to save her, I had put her in danger again.

Rain began to fall and Charlie became more frantic.

_Where is Edward?_ I could hear him ask.

Then someone answered him. _They left town. Didn't you know?_

_That can't be true. Edward would never leave Bella like this._

Shame consumed me. I had left Bella like that. No man would ever do something so thoughtless. When I left her, I only wanted to make sure I didn't linger, never thinking what that would mean for her.

Suddenly, a man appeared from the woods, with Bella cradled in his arms. He was a Quiluete.

Charlie rushed to meet him and took Bella in his arms, holding her closely to his chest. I could hear her mumble, "He's gone."

I knew she was safely in her father's arms and I could leave. She was alive and safe. The damage I had done to her heart would heal, in time.

I made my way, out of sight, to the Volvo and made my way out town, like a thief in the night.

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**A/N: Please leave me a review & tell me your thoughts. I love to hear them & it will inspire me to write & get the next chapter to you faster.**


	4. NEW YORK

**Disclaimer: Nope! I still own nothing**

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Chapter 4 NEW YORK

The drive across country was quick, but gave me a lot of time to myself. I was alone with my thoughts for a change and would have actually been grateful to have had the distraction of other people's thoughts.

Leaving Bella behind was, without a doubt, the most difficult thing I had ever done and I could not get her out of my head. I hoped she would be okay and would find the happiness she deserved, the happiness I would never have been able to give her.

When I made the decision to leave Bella, I knew deep down, that it would be painful for me. However, I never anticipated just how difficult it would be. I was happy to have Alice and Jasper back from Denali and to be surrounded by my family, but I felt a piece of my life was missing and I was struggling to cope.

When I arrived in Ithaca, my family had already begun their transition to our new "life".

Carlisle had already begun working nights at the local hospital and teaching part-time at Cornell. Jasper began studying Philosophy at the Ivy League college and Alice decided to take a break from school to research her own personal history.

The day after my arrival Alice asked me to go hunting with her. I reluctantly agreed. I knew I needed to hunt, but I had no desire to do so.

"So," I started as we sat on an outcropping of rocks near one of the many waterfalls that surrounded the area near the college. "How was Denali?"

Alice didn't answer for several seconds. She was concentrating on the sounds in the woods. We would hunt mostly at night here since it was so developed. The woods that surrounded the college were frequented by students of the Ivy League school. They would come there to read or the take a short-cut to the campus. We needed to be as inconspicuous as possible, as usual.

"It was fine," she hesitated. "Jasper and Tanya talked a lot and he finally understood there was nothing he could have done any differently to have prevented what happened."

"I don't blame him, Alice," I admitted. "I blame myself. I blame myself for Bella getting hurt and for uprooting our family. I blame myself for Jasper's self-doubt…."

_Please don't do that Edward. What happened was no one's fault._

"I'm sorry, Alice," I apologized. "I know you looked at Bella like a sister. I'm just very sorry we all had to leave Forks."

"Edward, it was time anyway," Alice reassured me. "We couldn't have stayed much longer without someone noticing we were different. What happened with Bella was a catalyst for our departure, but it would have happened anyway."

We sat quietly for another hour before a herd of white-tailed deer crossed our paths. We moved in for the kill and fed. I only killed because I had to. The truth was my desire for the hunt had waned. My desire for anything had disappeared. The one thing I wanted more than anything was Bella and I hadn't figured out how to cope without her in my life.

"I told her I didn't love her, Alice," I sighed. I hoped for her pity, but I certainly didn't deserve it.

"You did what you had to do Edward, to protect her," Alice reminded me.

We were sitting near one of the many waterfalls in the area, listening to the gentle splash of water pouring over the rocks.

"But I lied to her and I never wanted to do that."

"What other choice did you have, Edward?" she asked rhetorically. "None."

"I could have given in to her, given her what she wanted," I admitted. "Then she would be with us now. She would be one of us."

Alice looked at me with her mouth agape. She was clearly shocked by my suggestion.

"Edward that would not have been you. If you had done that, you would not have been true to yourself and who you are. Don't second-guess yourself. You did the right thing," she said, leaning against my arm.

I valued Alice in so many ways. She was my best friend and confidant and the only person in my family I could have expressed my true doubts to.

"Then why did she come into my life? If I wasn't meant to be with her forever? If I wasn't meant to kill her?"

Alice raised her head and looked me directly in the eyes. "Because you were supposed to keep her alive and you did," she smiled. "If it had not been for you, James would have killed her in Phoenix."

"If it weren't for me, she wouldn't have crossed James' path in the first place," I responded.

"James, Victoria and Laurent would have still come through that area, Edward. Bella smelled so good and certainly they would have noticed that," Alice said.

"I just can't quit turning over in my mind how I could have prevented what happened," I admitted. "Perhaps I should have stayed in Denali, when I ran there. Perhaps I should have listened to Emmett when he reminded me that Bella wasn't one of us…"

"Edward, there are a million things you could have done differently but hindsight is 20/20," she said softly. "You loved her and the heart wants what the heart wants. You could not have changed that."

"But why did my heart want Bella, when I had accepted I would be alone for eternity? Why was I weak enough to allow her blood to sing to me after so many years of self-discipline?"

"Edward, you cannot beat yourself up over this forever. You just can't. You came into Bella's life for a reason and you may not ever know why. You have to accept that. I can't even see why," Alice said.

"Alice, do me a favor?" I asked.

"Of course," she said. "Anything."

"Don't interfere in her life Alice, no matter what," I almost begged. "Don't look for her future. You have to let her go, too. I promised she would never see me again and that means she will never see any of us. Do you understand?"

_Yes, Edward, I understand_. _No peeking, no interfering_.

Alice was as protective of Bella as I had been and although she didn't obsess as much as I did, I knew that she felt the urge to look out for her just as strongly. I knew if it was going to be hard for me to stay away, that it was going to be hard for her to stay away as well. I hoped we could lean on each other.

Rosalie and Emmett helped Esme find an old 17th Century home in the woods, north of town, which was in need of restoration. It was the perfect project for my mother. She had restored and decorated many houses over the years, many of which we ended up living in.

My parents had chosen another home in the woods for us to call home. It was a semi-restored cottage house just on the outskirts of Ithaca, near the shore of Cayuga Lake. It was livable and Esme would be able to add her special touch to it in time.

I spent a lot of my time in the gazebo that sat near the water, reading and remembering.

We had lived here before, long ago, but it felt different this time – it felt wrong. I knew, deep down, that nowhere we lived would seem like home to me again, not without Bella. To me, home was wherever Bella was.

It had been a week since I left Bella in the woods and in my mind; it was as fresh as if it were moments ago. I could still see her dark brown eyes, pleading with me to stay. And I could remember my cowardice, not being able to look her in the eyes for very long; worried my will would have been broken, preventing me from leaving.

It seemed my entire family had gone on with their new lives, while I was mired down by my former one. I wasn't sure of the direction I needed to head. I knew physically being as far away from Bella as possible was the right thing, but I had forgotten what life for me had been like before her. How did I make it through day after endless day before she walked into that Science Class? She had changed me so profoundly that I found it impossible to even remember how to go through the motions of my everyday existence.

Emmett found me reading near the lake one afternoon and sat down in the gazebo with me.

"Rosalie and I are leaving soon," he said.

I didn't understand why they were leaving so soon. We had all just begun to start over and I hoped to have my entire family with me, like it used to be.

"Where? Why?" I asked.

"Rosalie wants to go to Europe again, on a honeymoon," Emmett smiled. They had already honeymooned in almost every place imaginable and married more times than I could count.

I believe Emmett would have been content with marrying once, like Alice and Jasper had. I also don't think he cared whether they stayed at home or travelled the world. But Rosalie cared. She always wanted more. She seemed to always be searching for the one thing that would make her happy with this life, and so far she hadn't found it.

Emmett would have followed Rosalie to the edge of the earth, and probably already had. They loved each other so much that they would have made any sacrifice necessary to make the other happy.

I was envious that they seemed to always be in the state of bliss that first love offered. Time had not made them grow weary of one another. If anything, it made them desire each other more.

I grinned at him, but it was forced. "Didn't you just get back from a honeymoon? Africa?"

He let out a big Emmett laugh and patted me on the back. "Yeah, well, apparently it didn't last long enough for Rose."

"It never does," I replied, opening my book again.

"I want you to know I would have stayed in Forks if that was what you thought was best," Emmett said.

"I know," I said weakly. I appreciated his encouragement, but I didn't like being reminded of the sacrifice everyone had made for me.

"And if you had decided to change Bella, I would have supported that too."

"That was never an option," I said curtly.

"I just want you to know that I love you, brother. You have welcomed me from the day Rosalie brought me home and you have been nothing but good to me. I want to be able to reciprocate that one day."

"It's okay, Emmett," I said, hoping he would change the subject or go back to the house.

Instead, he just sat next to me, in silence, for hours. I read and he watched the sun set over the lake. It was amazing. He even managed to clear his thoughts and our time together was spent in quiet comaradery.

When the sun had completely set Emmett spoke up. "Come on Edward, let's go inside and have a wrestling match. You owe me one before I hit the road."

"I wouldn't be much of an opponent Emmett," I conceded. "I am hardly in the mood."

"Come on," he egged me on, punching me in the arm. "I'll let you arm wrestle Rose."

I laughed at his offer, but still declined.

I went directly to my room and put in "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley. The song touched me in good times and bad, but especially in bad times.

Just as the song was ending there was a knock at my door. It was Carlisle.

I turned my stereo off and opened the door for him. We hadn't taken much time to really speak to one another since our hurried departure from Forks. I knew the subject had to be breached eventually.

"Can I come in?" he asked with trepidation.

I stepped back, holding the door open widely, motioning him through with my arm. "You are always welcome."

We both sat on the leather sofa I made a staple of in every room I had.

"I know you are taking this pretty hard," he started, "and I hoped I could help you deal with your feelings a bit."

His offer brought about feelings of guilt, that he would feel the need or desire to comfort me. I didn't need my father taking on that burden. "No thank you Carlisle, this is something I need to learn to deal with. An emotional bandage will not help. This wound needs to heal openly."

Carlisle put his hand on my shoulder and lowered his eyes to meet mine. "No, Edward, no bandage. I wanted to remind you of a story you might have forgotten, that might make you understand you are not alone."

I was intrigued. I searched my mind, but could not think of a story that was similar to mine.

"Before I moved to Chicago and met you I lived and worked in Columbus, Ohio," he started. "A month before my planned departure a beautiful young girl, about sixteen, was brought into the hospital with a broken leg.

Although she was young, there was something special about her. She sang to me, like Bella did to you. I was drawn to her."

"A human?" I asked, not believing anyone else had gone through the same thing as me.

"Yes," Carlisle answered. "She had the most beautiful caramel colored hair, like the most decadent candy on the counter. I felt she had been delivered to me, that she needed me to protect her. She made me feel different, that I was meant to protect her, not just heal her."

"What happened?" I asked. Obviously it hadn't worked out or he would not be with Esme today.

"Like you, I believed our kind could co-exist, but I knew she was far too young. After all, everyone thought I was thirty-five and she was…just a girl. I repaired her injuries and allowed her to leave, to live."

He hung his head and grasped it with his hands in utter frustration. I could tell this was a difficult memory for him to relive. "I desired her and missed her every day for years, long after I left for Chicago where I found you."

"But you have Esme and you are perfect for one another. You were made for each other," I said.

"That is just it Edward, that girl WAS Esme," he smiled. Suddenly, I remembered a less detailed version of the story he had shared with me decades ago. "When I met her the first time, it wasn't time. But later, in Wisconsin, she was delivered to me again and I saved her. In turn, she saved me."

"Edward, I am trying to say I am sorry for what you have lost, but it does not mean she will not find you again or that love will not come your way again," he said. "There is always hope. Never lose hope."

I hung my head in despair. "There is _no_ hope Carlisle. I will _not_ break my promise to her to stay away."

"Son, you have done the most unselfish, loving thing in the world by leaving her and allowing her to live," he said reassuringly. "I left Esme. I did not take her life. She returned to me when death seemed inevitable and I was able to save her."

"I am not sure how that is supposed to make me feel any better Carlisle," I admitted.

"Like you said Edward, I have Esme now. We were meant to be together. Had I given in to her blood song 10 years earlier, I most likely would have killed her from the unbridled passion. When she returned to me, I knew it was a gift. Things worked out. So there is still hope your true love will find you."

"If it took me 100 years to find Bella I don't know that I have the energy or willpower to wait another 100 years to find that same love," I admitted.

He laughed. "Do you have something else planned for the next century? You aren't going anywhere Edward. Your true love will come when you least expect it, when you are at rock bottom and she will raise you up with her love, just like Esme did with me. And remember, it took me nearly centuries to find her."

"Thank you Carlisle, hearing your experience helped me to understand you more and to have some sort of hope, but it doesn't make me miss her any less," I said.

"Edward, there is nothing in this world that I can say or do that would make you miss her less. That is part of it. With great love comes great loss."

With that, he left my room and joined the rest of the family downstairs where I could hear them participating in arm-wrestling matches and games of chess. One last night as a family and I couldn't drag myself from my room to participate.

The next morning Rosalie came and knocked on my bedroom door. "Edward?" she asked.

"Come in," I said. I was arranging my music collection by genre, then alphabetically. That task alone should occupy a couple of days.

"Emmett and I are getting ready to leave and I wanted to say goodbye," she said softly, for Rosalie.

"When will you be back?" I asked, without turning to look at her.

"By Christmas, so we can all be together for the holidays," she smiled.

"Well, you be careful and have a good time," I wasn't sure what she wanted out of me, but she had been intolerant of Bella and seemed to flourish in the dissolution of my happiness. I had very little tolerance for her.

"Edward, I am sorry I was so mean to Bella," she said with every intention of sounding sincere, but I knew her well enough to know it was an act. Surely Esme or Alice had put her up to this.

I responded with uncharacteristic harshness. "You are not sorry, Rosalie. You are not sorry for anything," I turned to look her directly in the eyes and she was shocked by my response. "You got exactly what you wanted, which was Bella out of my life."

"That is not what I wanted Edward," she stammered.

"Oh, but wasn't it Rosalie? Is it not enough that you have Emmett? But, because you feel that I did not choose you all those decades ago you felt I did not deserve my own happiness?" my words and tone were biting and I was sure they stung her.

"Edward, that is just so cruel," she said, chastising me.

"You would know about cruelty Rosalie. You have exhibited enough of it lately," I was done saying what I needed to say and turned back to my organization.

"You are so wrong Edward. I was only looking out for the best interests of the family, as a whole…"

I cut her off, "but if it had been you, as it once had been, you would have made it all about you and not about the family at all. Fortunately, that worked out for you."

"I know you have to be angry at someone Edward, but I did not do this. I did not cause this and it hurts me to the core to know that you are speaking to me so harshly," she said as though I had physically wounded her.

"Get over yourself Rosalie," I quipped. "You hang on to who you were in your human life and you cannot let it go and grasp exactly who we all are now, what you are. If anyone places blame, it is you. And like it or not, you are no longer Rosalie Hale, you are Rosalie Cullen and we are your family. Maybe stop blaming us and start supporting us."

She stood there, in my doorway, stunned for several minutes. "Well, we are leaving for Europe and I wanted you to know that I loved you before we left."

I didn't acknowledge her and she turned and left my room. Shortly after that I heard the front door shut and Emmett's Jeep ramble off.

For the remainder of the day I was left alone in my room, which was exactly what I wanted. However, I knew that would not last.

Later that evening, my remaining brother came to me.

"Edward, might I speak with you?" Jasper asked.

We could not avoid each other forever and I knew the time had come for Jasper and I to confront the truth of the night of Bella's birthday. The truth was I had put him in a horrible situation that was inevitable, out of my blind selfishness.

I rose and opened the door for him, inviting him into what had become my solitary confinement.

Jasper sat down on one end of the sofa and I sat on the other.

"I am so remorseful Edward," he said with great sadness. "I wish, more than I have ever wished anything that I could take back what happened that night, that your life would be the same as it had been before the party."

I appreciated my family's concern for me, but the pain I was enduring was well deserved and their guilt was destroying me further.

"Jasper, what happened was _not_ your fault. Please do not apologize," I reassured him. "What happened was meant to be, to keep Bella far from _me_. I have been nothing but a liability to her."

"Edward, you can blame yourself for the rest of Eternity, but it will not wash away my guilt," he said, looking down at his hands on his lap. "What I need now, more than anything is your forgiveness, but I am not sure it is something I deserve."

I shook my head in disbelief. "There is nothing to forgive. You were not in control of that situation. You have been the most caring, understanding brother since the moment you joined the family and I will not have you torturing yourself over what happened."

He chuckled to lighten the situation and I felt my intensity lessen. "So you forgive me?" he smiled.

"If that is what you need to hear to make this go away, yes, I forgive you," I laughed, hugging him.

We sat there for a few more minutes, in silence with our eyes fixed on the floor before he got up to leave. "Well, maybe you will come join me later for a game of chess."

"Perhaps," I lied. I told him what he needed to hear, but I still did not want to leave my room, to face my family as a whole.

The next morning Esme came to my door. "Edward, may I come in?" she asked softly.

"Of course," I replied, standing to greet her with a hug as she opened the door.

"Everyone has left to go about their day and I was wondering if you would accompany me to the house I am renovating?"

While I could say no to my sisters, I could never deny my mother a request.

"I would love to," I said, laying down my journal and reaching for a jacket, which served mainly to protect my clothing from the thorns and branches that certainly covered the house.

I drove Esme to the north of town in the Volvo. I had left the Vanquish in Forks with plans to send for it later.

She directed me where to turn, down a dirt road that had been over-run with trees and bushes from the surrounding landscape.

A quarter of a mile back stood the home she had seen so much potential in. It was a brick cottage house with a fireplace at either end, surrounded by gravel walkways.

"Isn't it wonderful, Edward?" she asked with so much excitement as she climbed from the car.

I was happy to see my mother happy. These projects took up so much of her time and kept her from missing those of us who went off on our own for a while or missing the lives and projects she had to leave behind each time we relocated.

"It is a lovely home, Esme," I smiled at her. "You have quite the eye. What are your plans for the house?" I asked as I followed her up the gravel path to the front door.

"Well, since Rosalie and Emmett are acting as a married couple I thought it would be a wonderful home for them. I hope I can have it restored by the time they return at Christmas – as a gift to them," she smiled. Her soft eyes absolutely glistened from the excitement of being able to provide something to her children.

"I think they will love the gift, Esme. It is very thoughtful," I said, returning her smile.

Esme moved towards me and wrapped her arm around my waist, resting her head against my chest and I hugged her.

"Maybe you could help me with this project Edward, since you aren't going to school right now."

"We'll see," I said. I didn't want to commit to anything right now. I had a lot of personal feelings I had to deal with before I was ready to tackle day-to-day life again.

She released her arm from me and went up the front stoop, pushing the door open after having been ajar for who knows how many years.

"You need a distraction, Edward," she smiled. "And this is a perfect distraction. I would love to have your company and your input." She turned back to look at me, her eyes pleading.

I forced a smile and followed her into the house. "I will help when I can," I promised. That didn't nail me down to a certain schedule or time line and hopefully it would be enough to appease her.

I stepped into the house and brushed cobwebs away from my face. "Why do you enjoy this Esme? It seems like so much work."

"Anything worth doing requires work, Edward," she laughed. "I get these homes that are on the brink of complete collapse. They are homes that people have forgotten about. Decades or centuries ago they were homes to families, not unlike ours and when I bring it back to its glory I feel I bring those families back as well. It is important that the contributions people made to build and make these homes not be forgotten."

She walked in and out of the rooms on the bottom floor, deciding where support beams existed and where alterations could be made. But she decided the first thing that needed to be addressed was the fact that the stairs to the second floor had collapsed. Having a temporary stairwell built was first on her agenda.

"Thank you, Esme," I muttered.

She turned quickly to face me, with a smile on her face. "For what, Edward?"

"For being my mother - our mother. Thank you for making every place we go feel like home." I was sincere in my gratitude for her and I worried she didn't hear it enough.

"Dear Edward, I can only be as good a mother as you all are children. You reciprocate my love and give me something to live for. I live for each of you and for each of your own happiness."

I walked with her throughout the lower level of the house and knew that, along with the staircase there were other immediate areas of concern.

"Esme, I think we need to remove the outdoors from inside the house," I laughed as I noted the ivy that had grown up the interior walls near the windows and the nest that was falling from up in one of the fireplaces.

_It is so good to hear you laugh_.

"Would you walk with me, in the woods?" Esme asked, reaching for my hand.

"Of course," I said, taking her hand and following her out the back door into the woods that encircled the property.

"Edward, I have so much hope for you," she smiled a comforting smile in my direction, patting my hand with her free one. "I know you feel lost right now and I am so sorry for that.

"I too once felt lost, as you know," she was reminding me of the circumstances that brought her into Carlisle's life. She had lost a child and jumped off of a cliff in an attempt at suicide. That is when Carlisle found her in the hospital and changed her.

"I know," I sympathized.

"Bella brought so much happiness into all of our lives, mostly because she made you so happy. Don't forget that love," she said. "And you never know, one day maybe you can find a way to be with her."

I released her hand and took on a defensive posture and tone. "I promised her that she would never see me again, Esme and I meant that. I do not want to bring any more pain into her life."

"All I am saying, Edward, is don't close yourself off. You have far too much to offer the world," she pleaded quietly.

We walked quietly in the woods for another hour or so and marked trees we thought would make good mantle places in the house or a lovely farmhouse table.


	5. SOLITARY

**Disclaimer: Everything Twilight is owned by the talented Stephenie Meyer**

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Chapter 5 SOLITARY

My family continued to try to pull me out of the pit of despair I was falling into, to no avail. Nothing they said made anything any easier and even I didn't know how to stop the downward spiral.

I began spending all of my time alone. By doing that, I hoped I would not bring everyone else down with me.

I went out to the house in the woods and did some work for Esme, but I always chose to go alone. Although she hoped the renovations would be a distraction for me, they didn't offer me a reprieve from my persistent guilt and self-loathing.

When I was at home, I would stay in my room and listen to my collection of blues music and read through my journals trying to remember who I was before Bella. I hoped if I could discover that version of myself, I would be able to find the way back.

Inevitably, I would become distracted by the journal entries of the time I spent with Bella, longing just as much for those days.

_June 20th, 2005_

_Today had been a very special day for me. It was the day of my human birth and Alice had conspired with Carlisle to give me a unique birthday present. Along with Bella, they flew with me to Chicago, the city where I had been born in 1901 and where I was raised, until the death of my parents 17 years later. Chicago was where Carlisle had found me on my deathbed and, after pleas from my mother, had given me eternal life._

_Carlisle wanted to show me different places I had no recollection of and to fill in gaps in my story that I had been missing. I was grateful to have Bella by my side when I learned of my human life. To me, it solidified our relationship. This was a very personal trip for me, for Carlisle and for Alice as well. After all, Alice had just recently started piecing her own live together. She knew how important it was for me to know where I came from. For me, I got to share it with Bella and she would get to know me as the human I once had been, not just the monster I had become._

_Our first stop was to the now vacant St. Anne's Hospital. "This is where I met your mother, and you," Carlisle told me. My father had come to the hospital with us, all of us suffering from the Spanish Influenza, but he was unconscious when we arrived and never regained it before he passed away. Carlisle told me that my mother had been alert until almost the very end. She had dedicated herself to trying to nurse me back to health. When she knew she wasn't going to make it, she pleaded with Carlisle to do everything in his power to save me. He believed my mother knew that he could offer me something no other doctor in the hospital could, eternal life._

_"After your mother passed away I knew you didn't have much longer either," he explained to me. He told me that my family had been Catholic and he wanted to do as much for me and my soul, as he could. He called in a Priest who offered me last rites. Then, in the middle of the night, he took my mother and me to the morgue. From there he removed me to his home and changed me. He thought it was what my mother had asked for and he had longed for a companion for some time._

_We then went to the Mt. Olivet Cemetery where I was "buried" along with my mother and father. Carlisle explained that due to the Spanish Influenza, the typical burials had not taken place. The city had banned public funerals and private funerals were limited to only 10 people. There would be no Catholic Mass in the church for us, just a graveside burial. Because of the fears of the spread of the influenza the typical embalming process had been foregone for a time as well. Carlisle was our attending physician and signed all three death certificates. He put the body of an indigent into my casket and sealed it so there would be no questions as to why I wasn't being buried. He told me my father had been an attorney and my family had been fairly wealthy so the remaining family members would have expected a graveside service as opposed to allowing us to be buried in a mass burial with other victims of the influenza._

_I found myself kneeling at the headstone of my own grave, and that of my parents._

_It was strange, as I moved my fingers over the letters carved into the marble. I could not remember what it had been like to be their son. I only remembered that Carlisle said I had green eyes and bronze hair, like my mother and that her greatest fear was that I would go off to war._

_Bella was so respectful of giving me my space. I assured her it was fine with me for her to go to the grave with me, but she insisted on staying back with Alice, allowing Carlisle and I to share those memories in private. And something seemed right about that, too. I could only imagine how difficult it would have been for Bella to see my name on a headstone, to try to wrap her mind around that. When I saw it, I felt a longing, a longing to be there with my parents._

_When Carlisle told me I had been Catholic I understood more completely why I felt the way I felt about so many things. It explained why I believed in the existence of Heaven and Hell and why I felt there was no afterlife for our kind._

_Carlisle had given me many trinkets that had belonged to my parents, things my mother told him where to find. Now he gave me memories to go with them, to make those things seem so much more tangible._

_Because I was the first person Carlisle had changed he constantly questioned himself as to whether it was the right decision or not and whether he had done it properly. I assured Carlisle, as often as I could; that he was the best father I could have asked for besides my own. And when he changed Esme, he gave me the most loving mother a son could have asked for. Neither one of them ever treated me any differently than if I had been their own flesh and blood._

_Carlisle and Alice gave me the best gift they could have ever given me, my history as a human._

_EC_

I could not put the journal down because I wanted to remember the next day – a very human day I shared with my Bella. These were the moments I would miss the most.

_June 21st, 2005_

_Yesterday was such an emotional day, but in a good way. I was grateful for the information Carlisle had given me from my past and the places he took me to see. Today was different. Today was about my present and I enjoyed just spending a normal "human" day with Bella before we flew back to Forks._

_It was a rainy day, which allowed us to spend some time at the Art Institute of Chicago. Carlisle enjoyed explaining the back stories of several artists that he had either studied or met personally in his life before we all became a family._

_Bella had never been to a museum of any real consequence before today and was in total awe of everything there was to take in. I had studied art in my free time and visited museums frequently, but seeing things through Bella's eyes, for the first time, gave me an entirely new perspective._

_After we left the museum the rain had let up and the sun had begun to go down so we headed to Navy Pier to take in a performance of Romeo and Juliet by the local Shakespearean theater troupe. Bella had read the play and watched Romeo + Juliet with Leonardo DiCaprio but seeing it performed live touched her in ways I could never have appreciated. She was wrapped up in it, as though none of us were there, as though she were not a member of the audience, rather a member of the house of Capulet. She sobbed quietly and smiled widely. She moved her lips along to some of her favorite lines and when it was all over, she hugged me and thanked me for including her on this trip._

_Alice and Carlisle headed back to the hotel to pack for our early morning flight out and I took Bella to Pier Park where we rode in a Gondola together on the Ferris Wheel. The lights from the Ferris Wheel spokes twinkled in Bella's eyes and I was able to live a dream. I imagined this would have been what it would have been like if Bella and I had met before I changed, when we could have experienced first love and teenage life together._

_Bella practically dragged me to the carousel, with its hand carved horses, frogs and chariots. I noticed the twinkle in her eyes again and was certain, this time; it was not a reflection of the lights, but a reflection of her soul. I knew Bella had grown up young, taking care of her mother and I wondered if she ever just got to be a child. It seemed to me that she was seeing and experiencing all of these things with childlike wonderment and it made me appreciate the little things I had taken for granted in my own life._

_After a go around on the swings and another turn on the Ferris Wheel, I took Bella for an Italian Ice and a slice of Chicago deep dish pizza. I never wanted this day, or this trip to end. I wanted to stay here forever, with Bella, in my Chicago._

_EC_

As I finished reading my journal entry, I felt a twinge of pain in my chest. It must have been what humans referred to as heart ache.

I hoped Bella was moving on without me, but it was clear to me that it was going to be very difficult for me to move on without her.

My journals would be constant reminders of the time we shared together. I could put them away and not read them for years or decades, but I knew that would not change a thing. Whether I read it now or read it ten years from now, I would still miss her and miss the life I experienced with her.

After just a few days of working at the house in the woods I quit trying and had begun to spend all of my time in my room. I would read my journals and listen to my music, turning it up so loud I couldn't hear anyone or anything, except for Alice. She would sit outside my door and stay there for hours, hoping her thoughts were reaching me.

_Edward, let's go hunting. It will do you good to get out of the house. You need a distraction._

I didn't want another distraction. I needed to find a way to face my new reality head-on, the reality that I would spend eternity alone.

I hoped that somewhere in my journals I would find proof that my decision to leave Bella and Forks was the right one. But the more I read, the more I missed her.

My existence had been totally wrapped up in protecting Bella since she moved to Forks. Suddenly I had nothing. I had no one to protect and I didn't know what to do with myself.

Before the birthday party, I had begun to believe that the reason for my existence was to care for her. I believed that there was a greater good for me to serve and that my existence had a purpose. Now, I was more certain than ever that I had been kidding myself. God would never accept me or others of my kind and he would certainly never put us in charge of protecting his flock.

_I am worried about you, Edward. We are all worried about you. I miss you._

The truth was I missed Alice and the rest of my family just as much as they missed me. But I couldn't face them. I only saw myself as the reason they had to be up-rooted so suddenly and the reason they had to face, yet again, the reality of what we were. Facing them only reminded me of how many people I had hurt; Bella, Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Emmett, Jasper and Rosalie.

I had hoped that moving to New York would give us all a fresh start, but I had not been able to think of anything since I arrived other than Bella. In fact, I thought more about Bella since I left her than I did when we were together.

I had been unable to sit down at the piano since I arrived in Ithaca. I could not bring myself to play a single note of any song. Just seeing the piano reminded me of how, through her love, Bella had inspired me to compose again.

_Please go out with me, Edward. I have found new places to hunt and I want you to see how beautiful it is here. The leaves should be changing soon. We haven't seen the leaves change in years. Can you imagine all of the colors?_

Oh how I wished I could turn off my ability to hear the thoughts of others. Alice was trying so hard to help me pull through, when I knew the loss was just as great for her. I just couldn't spend a moment with her or with anyone. It was bad enough I couldn't run from myself.

I forced myself to go further back in my journals, before Bella. I had to find who I was before and get in touch with that part of my being again, to remember why I had avoided human interaction.

I could not afford the luxury of feeling human emotions any longer. I would have paid any price to have been able to become a human, to live out a normal lifetime with Bella, but that was not possible. I was what I was and to try to be anything different was only going to cause me more pain. I had to learn how to embrace the monster within.

I searched through the journals and pulled out the one dated 1928.

I had left Esme and Carlisle to go out on my own, thinking I could live without them, without the restrictions of our "vegetarian" lifestyle. 1928 was in the middle of my four year departure from the Cullen family. It was a time when I took the lives of human beings.

_August 16, 1928 – St. Louis, Missouri_

_Since I arrived in St. Louis I had been spending a lot of time in and around the shanty town near the river. It was an area where the poor and the lower class lived and I knew I could blend in more easily._

_There were several Negro children that liked to dance and play banjo around the campfires at night and I enjoyed listening to them. But tonight I heard something else. I heard the thoughts of a group of outsiders. They were men in white sheets, members of a group that called themselves the Klu Klux Klan. They wanted to rid the area of Negros and lived to instill fear in the population. I heard them from their cars as they planned to grab the children and take them off to hang them from the trees in the county park._

_I was sickened by their cruelty and intolerance. These children were innocent and had done nothing wrong. The thoughts these men were thinking were depraved and convinced me that they had less of a soul than someone like me. Those children did not deserve to die and tonight, they wouldn't._

_I hid in the tree line near where the men parked their cars. I waited for them to put their robes on and then I attacked. I quickly snapped the necks of all four men before even one of them had a chance to let out a scream. I then drug them into the woods and fed on them._

_After the children went to sleep, I re-ignited the fire they had started near the banks of the river and burned the bodies of the four would be attackers._

_Children were children, Negro, white or otherwise and no one was going to harm a child as long as I was around to prevent it._

_I sat next to the fire, tending it and making sure no one became suspicious as the white robes and the evil white men that hid under them burned. I knew I would one day see them in hell, but at least they would not spend another day walking this earth, to take an innocent life._

_EC_

I read through some of the other entries and the murders I had committed after St. Louis. Out of the hundreds of people I killed during my time away from home, not one of them was an innocent human being. I was certain of that.

My gift for reading minds came in handy and allowed me to separate the good from the bad, from the truly evil. I killed only those that would kill or seriously harm others. I told myself I was doing a service, but in the end I still felt as though I would never escape the guilt of taking human lives, regardless of how justified it was.

As I came to the end of the year in the journal, I stopped at the entry that had never escaped my thoughts:

_December 21st, 1928_

_I had arrived in the Crescent City sometime around Thanksgiving and found it very hospitable to my kind. New Orleans was a city filled with sin and sinners and those that practiced religions that were considered on the brink. There were Voodoo Priests and Priestesses and witches and warlocks alike. It seemed New Orleans was a good place to call home for a while._

_I had been spending my nights in several of the local cemeteries. I wasn't out of place. There was a good deal of people who called the cemeteries home after the sun went down. There were the city's homeless, those interested in ghosts and legends and then there were the sinners._

_The necessity to bury their dead in above-ground vaults and crypts meant there were plenty of places to hide for those that had something to hide. Normally I just observed the interesting nightlife of this city unlike any other I had ever lived. But tonight was different. Tonight was a night in which I was called to action, to defend a lady and pass sentence on a guilty man._

_I sat on a bench under a particularly large Magnolia tree in this particular cemetery. Hardly anyone noticed me and if they did, I exchanged pleasantries and let them go on their way. I had been hunting and feeding on the guilty so I felt no thirst for the innocent when they crossed my path._

_Tonight I noticed a couple of ladies in flapper dresses that seemed inebriated after an evening of dancing and drinking. They appeared to be taking a short-cut through the cemetery to the neighborhood on the other side. They giggled and waved hello as they passed me. I smiled, tipped my hat to them and wished them a pleasant evening. "Be Safe" I remembered saying._

_Just then a couple of very drunken men walked past me, making a bee-line for the ladies, who seemed unaware of their presence. "Be Safe" they mocked._

_The tall skinny one didn't seem very smart and his thoughts indicated he was just along for whatever his heavy-set friend had in mind._

_"We should help those ladies get home safely," the heavy-set man laughed as they sped up their pace towards the ladies._

_I rose from the bench and followed behind, in the shadows._

_"Maybe we should walk faster," I remember the blonde haired girl suggested to her raven-haired friend._

_Obviously they were aware of the men that followed and were not comfortable with their presence._

_Then I heard the thoughts of the skinny man, "Are we gonna have a little fun with them first, like the ladies the other night?"_

_I could hear the thoughts of the bigger man as he replied to his friend, "Yes. Except this time the ladies will not make it home to tell on us."_

_I quickly recalled the news of the past several days and I remembered a news story about two ladies who had been out for a stroll in a park that were kidnapped and raped. They survived and described their attackers. The descriptions matched those of the men I was following._

_I sped up my pace and surprised the men, with a tap on their shoulders. My gesture stopped them, angrily, in their tracks._

_"Good evening, gentlemen," I said, "It's a fine evening for a drink. Don't you agree?"_

_The skinny man seemed confused and his friend, the mastermind, was irritated. "We have had our drinks sir and are on our way home. Please excuse us," he said as they turned to follow the ladies again._

_"I think you misunderstood my intentions," I snarled, flashing my teeth in the moonlight._

_Just as they turned to attack me, I grabbed them both by their throats, crushing their windpipes. I hastily drug them off behind a mausoleum before the ladies noticed. There, I fed on their blood and felt good knowing that I had prevented the murder of two innocent women. When I was done I lifted the marble tops off of two above ground vaults and disposed of the bodies._

_Those two men would not be missed in society, for they lived and thrived on the fringes of it._

_EC_

I spent several more months in New Orleans, past Mardi Gras. New Orleans was a town that needed much help in cleaning up its undesirables and there was more than enough work for one vampire.

I went on to do away with several rapists, people who had planned to murder children and even a woman who was poisoning elderly tenants of her boarding house.

I felt great satisfaction with the duties I performed while I was away, in New Orleans, especially, but the guilt of the murders I committed weighed heavily on me. No matter if I was ridding society of evil, the fact was, I was just as evil. I remembered some of my beliefs that I had been raised with and it was not anyone's place to pass judgment or sentence on another human being unless you were the Lord. I reconciled that fact with the knowledge that I was no longer one of God's chosen and could not, therefore be going against his will.

Eventually the family let me be and let me stay in my room, doing what I needed to do.

Esme and Carlisle had experienced my mood swing when I decided to rebel and leave them for those four years and I was certain they knew something similar was coming.

I was not sure exactly what I was going to do, but I knew I could not remain here, in this house, allowing myself to drown in my sorrows, sorrows I had created. I needed to find a purpose and follow it. Despite the good I may have done in my time away from the Cullens earlier in the previous century, I knew that was not a route I was willing to ever take again.

Carlisle had raised me to be a better person than that, even though I was a vampire. He believed there was hope for our souls and some kind of afterlife, if we maintained a moral existence until our time on earth was through. I disagreed with the probable outcome, but I agreed nonetheless, that we could still be upstanding members of our communities.

I couldn't stay here, where I would constantly be reminded of my losses and mistakes. I would not go back to Bella. I promised to leave her be and that is what I would do. I was uncertain, though, if I had it in me to strike out on my own. I had always depended on my family for moral support and as my touchstones. How would I continue to live the way I knew was best without their strength and resolve?

I never wanted to love another again. So what was the point in going off on my own? I would never seek or desire another mate and would spend the rest of my eternity in solitary confinement. At least with my family I could experience their love for each other and their love for me.

When I left Bella, my decision had a ripple effect. It wasn't just Bella; it was everyone who was involved in her life. I had affected my family's lives profoundly as well, with my selfish desire to pursue a relationship that crossed species even though they advised me against it outright or suggested I change Bella to one of us. But that was a whole other issue I could not reconcile. Bella had a true and pure soul, and no matter how much I loved her or how much she loved me, I could not take that away. That was a horrible thing to do. When I destroyed the evil human beings in the twenties their souls were already destined for hell. I just expedited the journey for them. Bella was different. She was on her way to Heaven for sure and it would not be right or moral of me to prevent that process from occurring.

I picked up another journal, one from last spring. I opened it to the page I had written when I was on the road with Carlisle and Emmett, tracking James.

_April 12th, 2005_

_We hoped we had led the tracker away from Bella and, in turn, we hoped to track James ourselves and stop him before he had a chance to get to Bella._

_We followed him into Canada before realizing he had been working with his mate, Victoria. She had helped find Bella for him and he got a jump on us, heading to Phoenix to attack her._

_That whole situation had been my fault. If I hadn't taken Bella to the ball field she never would have crossed paths with the nomads. And when I realized it was too late to get her away from the field as they approached, I allowed my protective nature to show for Bella. James had picked up on that and it was the deciding factor in hunting her, to hurt me, because he knew the fragile human was special to me. He was teaching me a lesson that humans were for dinner, not for companionship._

_His travelling companion Laurent quickly parted ways with James and Victoria and headed north to Alaska, to join Tanya's Denali coven, where he could learn to live like us, without the necessity to take a human life._

_James' mate, Victoria, had run away when she knew James would end up dying for his pursuit of Bella._

_If she had attempted to go to Denali and join Laurent, I knew Tanya would inform us. Since we heard nothing I assume the flame haired companion of Bella's tracker had moved on._

_Bella would be safe. All the dangerous vampires were gone. And I promised her I would stay with her, as long as it was in her best interest. As dangerous as she was to herself, I was confident we would be together forever._

_EC_

How wrong I had been? All of the dangerous vampires were not gone; they all lived together, in a beautiful white house in the woods, where they pretended to blend in with society.

I likened our situation to that of captive tigers. Yes, they could be trained and tamed, but their primal urges would never go away and there was never a guarantee what trigger might make them attack.

We had become terribly dangerous because we had become so complacent with our ability to blend in. After all, none of us had a piece of meat so beautiful and aromatic as Bella had been.

I put the journals down and turned on my music, closing my eyes and relaxing to the calming tones of Debussy and the sorrowful Blues of Etta James.

Then suddenly, in the middle of the night, it hit me.

I knew what my purpose was.

Victoria was still out there and she would want revenge for James' death. She would never come after me, not with an entire coven of talented vampires protecting me.

She would seek Bella out, to destroy me and now that I was gone from Forks, Bella was alone and vulnerable.

I knew that I had to immediately figure out a way to track Victoria and keep her away from Bella, long enough to destroy her myself.

In doing this, I still was not breaking my promise to Bella. She would never know what was going on and it would continue to be as if I never existed. Without being near her I would still be able to protect her, to insure her survival.

Within moments of my epiphany, Alice was at my door. "Edward, can I come in?" she whispered.

"Of course," I answered, as I opened the door for her.

She walked in and took a seat on the floor, in front of my leather sofa, as I shut the door.

"I think you are making a mistake, Edward," Alice pleaded.

I took my seat in front of her and put my hands on her shoulders.

"I have never been more certain of anything, ever," I assured her.

"Edward, I don't see Victoria going after Bella. Keep your promise to her," she said as her ever present smile changed to a sad frown.

"You don't see her going after Bella, Alice, because I will stop her."

I didn't want Alice to be sad. I wanted her to be as confident in my decision as I was.

"Edward, I want you to be happy and I don't see your venture ending happily."

"I respect your visions Alice, but they _are_ subjective. Bella doesn't have to know what I am doing, or that I am even doing it. I can do this and protect her, without going back on my promise for her to never see me again".

"Edward, I don't want you to leave," Alice pleaded, putting her hand on one knee and resting her head against the other. "We just started over and it is meaningless without you."

I bent over and kissed her on top of the head. "Sweet Alice, none of us could have stayed after what happened with Jasper. I am just a reminder of that. At least if I go tracking I will have a purpose."

_For me, Edward, please stay._

"Sorry, kiddo. This is what I need to do. I still feel an obligation to protect her. I still love her. That has not changed," I explained.

Alice rose to her feet and went to my closet to grab a back pack for me. She tossed it on the couch and shrugged her shoulders in defeat. "Well, if you are going to go, I might as well make sure you are prepared."

I grabbed her shoulder and pulled her against me, giving her a big hug.

"I love you, Alice," I whispered to her. "And it will all be okay. I promise.

"But you can't know that," she said, her voice shaking.

"I can promise you that, Alice. I will be careful and when I know Bella is safe, I will come home again," I promised.

"So, how do you plan to track her, Edward?" Alice asked. "You need a plan."

"The last time I tracked I was not very successful so I need to go about it a different way this time," I answered. "I need to follow news stories and track her based on stories that indicate a vampire is behind it."

"But how will you know it is her?" Alice asked.

I thought for a moment. "I won't, not until I get there. I hope I caught enough of her scent in the clearing to track her."

Alice helped me search the internet for stories of murders or missing persons that would be unsolved or attributed to animal attacks, the most common mistake for vampire killings.

If a vampire were trying to be careful though, they would bury the bodies of their victims under boulders or trees where they would never be found. But I could not count on the fact that Victoria would think like us, like civilized vampires.

It took us two days until Alice came across a story out of Seattle and the proximity to Bella concerned me. I knew I had to leave soon.

"Read this," Alice typed into an instant message and sent it to me. While we were doing research we were trying to keep my family in the dark, so no one had time to talk me out of my plan.

**THE SEATTLE TIMES**

**Woman Killed After Animal Attack**

**September 29****th****, 2005**

**by MELISSA STEVENS, staff writer**

**Seattle p****olice are urging caution after an animal attack at the Japanese Gardens in Washington Park, which has left one person dead. The victim, Jody Wilkins, 24, was apparently alone when attacked. Another visitor, Gene Adams, heard the screams of an animal and rushed to the area, discovering Wilkins' remains.**

"**It sounded like a cougar screaming," said Adams. "It was not a human scream I heard and it is a sound I will never forget." Adams was clearly upset by the discovery and said it would be some time before he returned to the Gardens.**

**Michael Ward, spokesman for The King County Medical Examiner's Office said, "The injuries Ms. Wilkins sustained are consistent to an attack by an animal such as a cougar. We do not suspect foul play and are deeming the death an accident." **

**Ward added, "While there have been no reports of sightings in the area, residents and visitors alike should use caution when in areas where wildlife could be." **

**A Police spokesperson has requested that anyone with sightings of wild animals in areas surrounding the Gardens to please contact the local animal control department.**

While that story alone would not have raised any suspicion, in my mind, Alice followed it with another news story from just yesterday.

**THE SEATTLE TIMES**

**Cougar Attack Leaves Man Dead**

**October 1st, 2005**

**by MELISSA STEVENS, staff writer**

**Another animal attack has left a young man dead and residents fearing for their safety. The victim, Michael Smith 28, was found near a jogging trail at Green Lake Park yesterday morning. Two joggers came across the man's body just before 8:00 a.m.**

**Reports have been spreading of a Cougar on the loose in the greater Seattle area. This attack comes on the heels of a similar attack earlier in the week in Washington Park, which left one woman dead. When asked if the attacks appeared to be related, Michael Ward, Medical Examiner's spokesperson replied, "The injuries do have many similarities. However, with two attacks so closely together we are not ruling on cause of death until an animal is caught or a suspect arrested."**

**The animal control office has received several frantic calls of possible sightings of Cougars from the outlying areas, to as far in as the busy Sea-Tac Road. "While we have fielded numerous calls of cougar sightings, our office has not had any confirmed sightings and none of the traps we have set up have been triggered. We will continue our patrols and field calls from the public," said Bob Duggins, Animal Control Officer.**

**A Police spokesperson has asked that the community be calm and a reminder that any sightings of Cougars to contact Animal Control.**

The moment I read the second report I knew that Alice had put something together. Yes, animal attacks were not uncommon in the Pacific Northwest and cougars were possible, but the likelihood of two attacks so close together led us both to believe this would be a good place to start trekking Victoria. It made sense that she would remain close to Forks, looking for an opportunity to attack Bella. Certainly, by now, she realized we were gone and the door was wide open.

Alice came quietly into my room and shut the door behind her.

"I think this is a promising lead, Edward," she whispered.

"I agree, Alice, I think it is time to let the family in on my plans and to make preparations for, what could be, a long trek.

"I'll come with you," Alice said, batting her eyes.

I laughed. "I know you would, but Jasper needs you. Esme needs you. I have been on my own before. I will be fine. I promise to keep in touch."

I printed out the two stories and headed to the family dining room table for the family meeting I had called.

Fortunately for me, Rosalie was with Emmett in Europe and would not be a party to the meeting, or so I thought.

When I walked in to the dining room, Carlisle was already there with a laptop and webcam hooked up at the head of the table.

"What is that for?" I asked, scared of what the answer might be.

"To teleconference with Rosalie and Emmett," Carlisle answered simply. "This is a family meeting and just because they are not here physically does not mean they cannot participate in the discussion."

His words seemed to be cutting at me, as though he assumed I wanted them out of the meeting. That was not the case. I merely thought I would get lucky and not have to deal with her.

"Okay," I said humbly, taking my seat to the right side of the computer. Carlisle sat across from me, continuing to punch in codes and keys to get the link to work.

Just as Esme, Jasper and Alice joined us at the table, the feed from Europe came through with Emmett and Rosalie front and center.

Carlisle opened the meeting, as always, "Edward has called an emergency family meeting and it was important to him that everyone be involved."

"What now?" Rosalie asked with disdain.

"Rose, give him time to explain," Emmett chided her.

"I haven't been content since we moved to Ithaca," I started, with my head hanging. "I have been trying to find my way, find who I was…before. I can't find that Edward..."

"So you want to go back to Bella," Rose interrupted.

"No, Rosalie, I do not intend to go back on my promise. Bella is better off without me in her life. But the fact remains, I left some business unfinished and I need to take care of that to have a clean break with her, to make sure she is safe," I said pointedly, looking directly at Rosalie on the screen.

"How is that possible, Edward?" Esme asked.

I turned my attention to my mother, but I could feel Rosalie's glare from behind me. "I plan to track Victoria. I believe she would want to exact revenge for the murder of her mate, James. If she thinks the way he did, she would want to go after Bella, to destroy the object of my affection."

"But Edward, we didn't do so good tracking her before," Emmett added.

"I have learned from that, and Alice and I have done some research," I said, handing everyone copies of the news stories.

"You kept this from me?" Jasper was shocked.

"I did it for Edward," she pleaded with Jasper.

"We have researched stories of murders and missing persons in the U.S. that would be linked to animal attacks or an unknown assailant. Through our research we came across these two stories out of Seattle."

I gave the family time to read the story and reflect on what they read. Alice read lowly to Emmett and Rosalie.

"So you think this is the work of Victoria?" Carlisle asked.

"I don't know for certain, but it seems a good place to start. Seattle is close to Forks. Therefore, Bella is in imminent danger. The crimes seem like ones a vampire would commit. I need to get closer, to see if I can pick up on her scent, from what I remember of it," I answered.

"So what are your plans?" Jasper asked.

"Right now, I plan to fly to Portland and run to Forks to pick up the Vanquish. It will serve my needs and the car does not have Bella's scent in it," I started.

"Forks?! That's a great idea Edward," Rosalie criticized. "No plans to see Bella?" she accused sarcastically.

I became almost belligerent with Rosalie at this point. "No Bella, Rosalie. I made her a promise to stay away and I intend to do just that. My focus, right now, is on Victoria."

"Well, you will need a passport, extra clothes, a laptop and a cell phone that cannot be traced, plus lots of cash on hand," Carlisle said as he rose from his seat to begin putting the tracking kit together for me.

"We are all here for you, if you need anything," Esme said, patting me on the back in a goodbye gesture she had done decades before.

I turned and kissed her on the forehead. "I will come home soon, Esme. I promise."

"Well, I am not interrupting my honeymoon to come home and help with this hunt for a needle in a haystack," Rosalie protested.

"I never expected you would," I said, with my back turned to the monitor.

"Edward, that is not fair," she challenged.

"It may not be fair Rosalie, but it is expected," I retorted. "I quit counting on you a long time ago."

Carlisle shot me a glance that encouraged me to stop my tet-a-tet with my sister.

"Well, I will be fine on my own and I will check in periodically," I promised. "This is my mission. No one else needs to get involved. I expect nothing more than for you all to continue on with your day-to-day lives," I explained.

"I just want you to know, Edward, that you don't owe anyone anything. You've sacrificed so much for us over the years. All you have to do is stay here and re-acclimate to your new surroundings. No one will think less of you," Emmett explained. "You said goodbye to Bella, Edward. You don't owe her anything."

"I owe her _everything_," I growled lowly. "She brought me back to 'life'. I only left because it was what was in her best interest. I still have to protect her. She has done nothing wrong, other than love me."

"You do what you think is necessary Edward and we will support you 100%. As for us, in the words of Winston Churchill, we will 'stay strong and carry on' until you return to us," Carlisle said handing me the backpack Alice had brought to the meeting. He had filled it with everything I could possibly need.

Alice had already left the meeting and was busy on the computer booking me a flight for this evening back to Portland.

"Edward," she called. "I booked your flight and it leaves in a couple of hours. Jasper and I will drive you to the airport."

"Thank you, Alice," I said whole-heartedly. "You have done so much when you did not have to do a thing."

"You are my brother, Edward," she said, standing from the computer, with a printout in her hand. "I would move the heavens and the earth to make you happy."

I knew she meant it too. We were all family and would sacrifice so much for each other, even Rosalie, but I knew Alice would go to the far ends of the earth to do anything for me. She was such a good sister and such a good friend. Unfortunately, I believed I would never feel the eternal happiness Alice felt and I was jealous of that.

"I have given this much thought and I see that this will not happen quickly," Alice said. "You will follow her for months. Past that I see nothing."

I laughed. "Of course it will take me months Alice. I am not very good at this, remember."

"Use your gifts and follow your heart," she said as she laid her hand against my chest.

"Remember, Alice, I have no heart," I said.

"Oh but you do," she smiled and walked away.

I said my goodbyes to everyone and took the time to hug Esme an extra long time, to reassure her I would return. "This isn't like before, Esme. This time it is different. I remember where home is."

Alice and Jasper hurried me out to the Mercedes to drive me to the airport. "I really do need my own car," Alice hinted.

"You'll get it one day Alice, when you have earned it," I smiled.

"Well, when you come back, will you go car shopping with me?" she asked with feigned excitement.

"Of course I will," I promised. "In the meantime, feel free to use the Volvo. There is no sense in it sitting in the garage, unused."

"Really?" she asked with so much excitement that her foot pressed the gas pedal further to the floor.

"Really," I grinned.

There was a long silence until just before we arrived at the airport. "Edward, you really don't have to go," Alice pleaded.

"Really, Alice, I do," I said, climbing out of the car with my backpack.

"Don't forget this," Jasper said, handing me out the print out of my ticket confirmation.

"Thank you, Jasper," I said, taking the papers into my hand. "Take care of her while I am away. She is very special," I smiled, patting the roof of the car.

"Yes, she is," Jasper smiled, leaning over to give Alice a kiss on the check. Her mood lightened and seemed distracted enough to give up on her efforts to keep me in Ithaca.

They waved and drove away. I made my way into the airport terminal where I checked in and found my seat on the plane, in the back of first class, near a window, so I could pull the shade if necessary.

While we waited on the tarmac for our turn to take off, I pulled out my most recent journal and made an entry for today.

_October 3rd, 2005,_

_Today I am writing to you, my dearest Bella. This is a journal entry which you will never read, but one that I must write just the same. It is, after all, the only vestige I have of what we once shared._

_It recently occurred to me that when my family and I left Forks, I did not remove all the danger I had exposed you to. I realized there was Victoria. She was still out there, somewhere and would eventually want to exact revenge for my having taken her mate's life. If I were her, I would want the same. The only way to exact revenge would be to take you from me because you were the one thing I coveted more than any other._

_Therefore, I have gotten on a plane and am heading back to Washington from Ithaca. I have hopes of picking up on Victoria's scent and tracking her until I can remove that last threat from your world. Then I know that I can truly leave you in peace, with no worries for your safety._

_I have had such difficulty coping with the life I lived before you entered it and this seems to be my purpose, to eliminate Victoria from your world. In the time I have been in Ithaca, I have spent much of it in seclusion, not wanting to torture anyone else with my depression. I have been searching for meaning in my life. I f I was not meant to be with you, then what was I meant for? How unfair that the rest of my family have found their eternal mates and have love to balance the disparity of our mere existence. Why do I not deserve the same? I know you were the only woman I ever felt love for in that way and our love was not meant to be. Now I have to learn to live without the love I shared so briefly with you. If I must live without you, I shall spend eternity alone. For you were my one true love. It is said that the day comes when you cannot hide where you came from. That day came for me the day Jasper attacked you. I realized then, through my selfishness, I had put you in harm's way. The underlying reason was because you and I came from two different worlds and were never meant to be together._

_I hope you are doing okay, that you are moving on. I would hate to think that my leaving has caused you any pain. I left, only because I loved you so much, to protect you. Telling you I did not want you was the most treacherous of lies but one I had to tell to convince you to let me go._

_Perhaps, one day, I can return to Forks, to spy on you from afar and see that you have married and raised a family. Those are the things you deserve out of life my dearest. Those are the things we long so desperately for, but will never have._

_For now, I will close this entry and prepare for my arrival in Washington._

_EC_

I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep throughout the late night flight, trying to blend in with the rest of the passengers.

The truth was I was turning over in my mind what I would do when I crossed paths with Victoria. I had killed hundreds of humans, but never another vampire. Would I be able? I must find the strength to be able.


	6. THE HUNT BEGINS

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing, but an overwhelming obsession that I want no cure for. **

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Chapter 6 THE HUNT BEGINS

The sun still hadn't risen when the plane landed, which was good for me. I took my bag and left the Portland airport, running north towards Forks.

I deciding a quick stop to hunt before I began my journey would be a good plan and stopped off in the Hoh National Rainforest.

My return to Forks coincided with the fall rainy season and the river had overtaken its banks and flooded a great deal of the area. That didn't bother me, as I could move from boulder to boulder or tree to tree to find the perfect spot to hunt my latest meal.

I took my place midway up a Sitka Spruce and waited. I allowed myself to breathe in the scents of my former home. The smell of the spruce trees that surrounded me were soothing and sweet to me. It was a comforting smell, the smell of home. As the rain fell gently on the forest and on me, I took a moment to appreciated how clean the rain and water smelled in the Pacific Northwest.

One day I would return to this area, and call it home again. Of course that would be long after Bella Swan had lived out her life. However, no matter how many centuries separated our love affair, the feeling would be just as intense to me. I would leave her alone just as I had promised, but I would hold on to the love we had. I never wanted to forget that euphoric feeling knowing it would be the only love I would ever have.

I thought about the day I took Bella to the meadow for the first time and how sick to her stomach she got after traveling down the mountain on my back. I remembered kissing her for the first time, our lips searching for one another and having to keep an air of caution in order to protect her from my venomous teeth. There was nothing more that either one of us desired than to give in to our urges and kiss each other with the intense passion that raced through our bodies. Just remembering that, I could almost smell her strawberry shampoo in the rain and I took a deep, relaxing breath.

I contemplated what type of animal would cross my path this early morning, coming out to graze on the dew covered ground cover and the mist that filled the forest. I would take anything I could get, so I could move on with my mission, but I knew I needed to be well-fed in order to have a clear mind.

Within an hour of my arrival in the forest, my breakfast arrived in the form of a Roosevelt Elk. The 700 pound Bull Elk was a welcomed surprise to me. I observed it for a few moments, grazing on the mushrooms and grasses in the forest. The Elk never knew I was there.

I moved in swiftly for the kill, no sense in prolonging any suffering. I fed on the enormous Elk for over an hour, filling myself with its blood. I rose to a standing position and gave the Elk a grateful pat on its head. "Thank you, friend."

Now it was time to return to the white mansion in the woods that we Cullens had called home only weeks before. As I ran through the woods to the house it seemed ominously quiet, lonely. In all of her renovations, I believed Esme made the house feel loved and now I could feel its sorrow, for its lost family.

I bypassed the security system and opened the garage. As the door rose I admired my "special occasion car" – the black Aston Martin Vanquish S. This was, after all, a special occasion.

It was the perfect car for my journey. Black tinted windows, sleek and close to the ground, with the ability to reach speeds of 210 mph. The lines on the car reminded me of a hunter, like a panther. That is what I was. I was the hunter and the Vanquish would be the perfect way to follow Victoria's movements.

I tossed my bag onto the passenger seat of the Vanquish and rifled through it, finding the GPS, my cell phone and charger and iPod to dock. I plugged everything in and started the engine. Feeling the 520 hp engine roar to life beneath me was an exhilarating feeling that, through its own power, gave me a new power of my own.

It seemed as though the car responded with gratitude at being taken out again, as if it knew it was needed and there was no other car up to the task.

My first stop was to the outskirts of the forest that surrounded the clearing where my family had played baseball and football. It was the last place I had encountered Victoria and I hoped, by returning there, I would be able to more accurately remember her scent. I pulled the Vanquish into the tree line and ran the rest of the way to the clearing. The low profile of the Aston Martin would not make it possible to drive through the woods.

I ran through the trees and remembered how it felt to kiss Bella so passionately, almost unable to stop myself when I brought her here that day for the baseball game. Then I remembered the feeling of her tiny body on my back, legs wrapped around my waist and arms around my shoulders, holding on for dear life until we made it to the clearing.

I stood on the outskirts of the open space, near the canopy of the trees and took several deep breaths; searching my lungs for the scent of the vampire I was to hunt, Victoria. It had been six months since that day, but the scents still lingered.

First I smelled Bella's scent, probably because it was the most intoxicating to me and the one I had become most accustomed to. I stayed with it for several minutes, breathing it deep within my lungs, feeling the burn I had missed.

I had to open my eyes and shake my head and re-direct my senses. Next I picked up on James' scent. It was dirty, like the woods, mixed with a bit of sweetness. Then I focused on Victoria's face in my mind and stepped to where she last stood.

I closed my eyes and reached my hand out, to "touch" her. I felt her flowing red hair and the leaves that were tangled in it from her time in the woods. She too smelled dirty, like James, but with a burning sweetness, like cinnamon apple. I spent a great deal of time just inhaling her scent and tattooing it on my mind, remembering her face and her hair. Victoria was the red-headed monster of children's nightmares.

The clearing was the place where I first put Bella in harm's way. In hindsight, I should have insisted that Bella move to Jacksonville with her mother after James attacked her in Phoenix. But I didn't want to leave her anymore than she wanted to leave me. Selfishly I agreed to stay with her and returned to Forks, only to put her in peril once more.

Hunting Victoria was my way of finding redemption and making right what I made wrong. Accomplishing that was important to me, especially if what Carlisle said about our chance at salvation was true. I remained unconvinced I had a chance of going anywhere other than hell. Yes, I believed in God, but my existence as an immortal made me question much.

After memorizing every detail that would help me track Victoria, I returned to the Vanquish to once again leave Forks.

I turned the Vanquish to head out of town on the highway but felt an internal tug that caused me to point the car in the opposite direction – back to Forks, back to Bella.

I had made my promise to her, to stay away and I had no intention of going back on my word to her, but I needed her. I needed to know she was okay. I needed to replace my last memory of my beautiful Bella, the one of her being carried from the woods by her father, like a broken angel.

As I approached Forks High School I slowed the Vanquish to a crawl and lurked past the parking lot. The students were moving throughout the campus, from class to class. I hoped to be lucky enough to see Bella, to be comforted by her smiling face.

Finally the bell rang and no one was left moving about outside the high school. I turned my head towards my former parking space and saw Bella's truck parked nearby. It wasn't what I hoped for, which was far more than I deserved, but it was enough to reassure me she was acclimating to life without me. She was resuming her previous life, as a human teenager bogged down by the monotony of high school.

I turned the Vanquish around and looked back at the school one more time, hoping to catch a fleeting glimpse before I left forever. I had no such luck and turned to drive out of town, to protect the fragile human life Bella was living.

When I arrived in Seattle I drove to the Japanese Garden and parked the Vanquish towards the back part of the entrance. Fortunately, it was an overcast day, with a light drizzle and I had been able to go through the Garden by myself.

I had no idea exactly where the attack had taken place, but knew with the woods that surrounded the garden, there were plenty of places for Victoria to lay in wait.

I walked the paths and sat on benches near the ponds, watching the Koi fish swim back and forth. There was a great peace to this garden and I was grateful for that. It was almost the same as having Jasper near me, to calm my mood.

I was able to relax and breathe in the surroundings near me. Since it was late in the season for the Garden there were not many visitors and those that did walk past didn't give me a second glance. If they only knew how close to death they had come.

Suddenly a wind whipped through the garden and I caught the trace of a scent that seemed very much like Victoria's. I walked casually in that direction. I knew my instincts had been correct when I arrived at an area that was still marked with crime scene tape and paint outlines.

I stood at the scene for several minutes, breathing in deeply, pulling in her most recent scent. It was mixed with the scent of the blood of the victim, which burned my throat, but nothing like Bella's did.

My plan of attack was then to follow her scent to the next crime scene, on foot. I had no idea where the location was without my GPS and wanted to go on instinct and senses alone. That was important. Once I found it, I would run back to the Vanquish and ponder my next move.

I headed through the tree-line that surrounded the Garden and followed her scent, which was surprisingly strong, through subdivisions, parks and over bridges until I reached the second crime scene, only a few miles away.

I knelt on the ground next to the jogging trail and mourned for the loss of two innocent souls at the hands of Victoria. I realized at that moment that I was not only protecting Bella, but other innocents as well, like I had done so many years ago.

I breathed in and out, filling my lungs with her scent. I plotted my next course of action. I would return to the Vanquish and do further research in an effort to track her movements.

I checked in to a local hotel for the evening and plugged in the laptop to search for more news stories that might lead me to Victoria.

I had to think of which direction she would have chosen to take. Would she have continued north in Canada or turned south?

My bet was she would head south, towards Phoenix. That was the last place she would have remembered Bella being. I certainly had not sensed Victoria in the Forks area since the Phoenix episode.

First, I called home, to Alice.

"Edward!" she exclaimed. "I knew you would call."

Her excitement and confidence made me smile. "Hello, Alice. How are you?"

"I miss you terribly, Edward. We all do," she said. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I answered. "I am fine. I got the Vanquish and I have picked up on Victoria's scent at the two crime scenes. There is no doubt it is her. I am on the right track."

"I agree," she said. "I know she is close."

"Now I will research more murders and missing person cases within the area she would likely travel. Then I will proceed from there. Eventually, I will catch up with her."

There was a pause and I knew Alice had more questions. I also knew she already knew some of the answers and I was prepared.

"You went to see Bella." There was no question in her tone. She knew I had hoped to see her.

"No, Alice. I did not," I answered sternly. "I promised her she would never see me again and I meant that."

"I know you tried Edward," she said softly. "I don't blame you."

"Alice, I am, and always have been, a man of my word. I gave her my word and I will honor that."

"I know Edward. I just want you to know I feel your turmoil."

"Well Alice, I just wanted to check in and let you all know I made it safely and am on track. Is everyone there okay?"

"Esme misses you very much," Alice answered. "She hoped to complete the cottage with you, but she understands. She just worries."

"Assure her I am fine, Alice. I am a grown man and I can take care of myself."

"I hope you call before Christmas," she said with disappointment. Sometimes it drove me nuts that she saw things I hadn't completely decided.

"I cannot promise, Alice. I will call when I can," I answered. "I have to stay focused on my journey."

"Well, I love you," she said. "Be careful."

"I always am Alice," I smiled. "I love you too."

I hung up the phone and immediately began to scan the internet for stories that related to the previous two.

After hours of searching, with no luck, I decided I would lie in the bed and watch television while I wrote in my journal.

_October 5, 2005_

_Today I returned to Forks before heading to Seattle in my efforts to track the nomadic vampire named Victoria._

_Seeing our home in the woods, sitting empty and quiet made me long to live in the white house again. It made me realize that home was where your family was. The house in Forks felt like a home when my family was there. Ithaca never felt like home, I believe because Bella wasn't there. Bella was home._

_I took the Vanquish out and began to visit places I knew Victoria had been before. The scent I caught of her in the clearing was the same scent I picked up on at the crime scenes. I knew the murders were at Victoria's hand. I knew she was desperate, without her mate and their coven member Laurent, who had moved on to Denali. She was acting without regard to being discovered._

_Her plans would be hard to predict. Certainly, she would be acting instinctively, to survive on her own. That would be her chief concern. I found nothing promising on the internet to follow so I needed to think of a Plan B._

_The longer Victoria remained in this area, the longer I worried about Bella's safety. I hoped she would move on, so I could catch up with her away from the Pacific Northwest, away from Bella._

_EC_

*~*~*

Days passed and I found myself obsessively watching every news channel and reading every news story on the internet that covered the Western United States. Yet I found nothing promising, nothing to lead me to Victoria.

I wasn't about to give up. I felt Bella's existence depended on my success in tracking and killing Victoria. I also realized tracking was not my gift. I was good at so many things; I ran faster, I could read minds, I was stronger, I had medical degrees, degrees in Art history and Literature. Yet the one gift I wish I possessed was out of my reach, the gift of knowing – knowing where to find my nemesis.

Everything I had taken on in my immortal life had come so easily, until I met Bella. It hadn't been easy to fight my urge to kill her, my desire for the taste of her blood consuming my every thought. Lying to her, to convince her she needed to be without me, came through great difficulty and rehearsal. Now I was trying to track Victoria and I had no idea how to do it. This was something that didn't just come to me. I also knew that Victoria's gift seemed to be that of self-preservation. She had a knack for getting away and avoiding trouble. She would be a challenge for me to say the least.

I pulled Bella's picture from inside my jacket pocket. I needed to remind myself why this journey was so important.

I ran my fingers over her face and her hair in the picture. I could almost feel her again; her soft, warm skin. The picture was from her birthday party and she was blushing in embarrassment. I could see the pink in her cheeks and almost feel the warmth of her as her heart raced with anxiety. I could also remember what her lips tasted like and how soft and warm they were meeting with my rigid, cold lips.

I never deserved to have someone as special and beautiful as Bella. Perhaps God brought her to me to torture me for the wrong I had done in my earlier immortality. But God would never sacrifice one of his lambs like that.

When I breathed in deeply and remembered her taste - her smell, as it burned in my throat, I knew I needed a distraction until I decided what my next step was with Victoria.

I came to the conclusion I needed to hunt. I needed to be strong, mentally and physically if I was to destroy the raven haired nomad. She fed on human blood, which gave her an advantage over me already. She had a knack for getting away, but I was fast. I needed to make sure I had every advantage I could.

I checked out of the hotel and drove south, hoping that would be the direction Victoria would choose. I would hunt away from my former hunting grounds of the Olympic Mountain Range. I needed change, so much change. I decided my destination would be Walla Walla. Then I would be near Oregon and Idaho, ready to pounce when she made her appearance.

I checked in to a motel on the outskirts of Walla Walla and waited for nightfall before I ran east towards the Wenaha–Tucannon Wilderness.

That area of the Blue Mountain Range was an exciting place to be for me. There were sheer cliffs that dropped to the rivers below and deep canyons that provided great hiding for me away from anywhere the average human would roam.

The area was filled with various forms of wildlife, but the most challenging animal to cross my path was a herd of Bighorn Sheep and I decided that would be a nice change from my preferred diet of mountain lion.

I sat and watched the herd for hours as they grazed on the grassland and moved, slowly towards the cliffs, where I knew they would negotiate their way down for water.

The moment the herd began to move down the cliff faces I knew I had my opportunity to pick one of the massive Rams off without much of a fight from any of the others.

Just as one of the larger males began to make its way down the top of cliff I moved in for the kill. Before he even knew what hit him I had him knocked backwards onto the grassland and quickly snapped his neck, breaking it. I wasn't in the mood for a fight and I did not want to prolong its suffering, needlessly for my satiation. I sunk my teeth into its neck and began to feed.

I thought about how I had been so cruel to Bella when I had broken up with her, lying about not wanting her or loving her. As with the sheep that now lay at my feet I realized I had offered her the same dignity as the sheep - a quick, painless end to her suffering. It was only fair that my suffering continued - growing each day I was without her.

Bella had changed me, completely. She had brought out the human in me – the human that had resurfaced when I was with her. Now I didn't know how to go back to being the vampire I had been before she came into my life. I wasn't content with just educating myself in various fields and hunting with my siblings. I wanted more. I wanted mortality. I wanted Bella.

I sat with the sheep for hours after I finished my meal. Even though I wasn't taking a human life I still felt guilty. A life was a life and I didn't want to take the soul of any living thing.

As I reached out to touch the fur of the Ram I imagined Bella, lying dead at my feet, after falling victim to one of several vampires. I imagined how I would mourn her and touch her soft brown hair, longing to feel her heartbeat against me once again. The only comfort I had, and it was little comfort, was that since I left Forks, Bella would never have to become a sheep beneath my feet.

I ran back to the motel and began to scan the news channels again. Still nothing.

For the next three days I spent my time on the internet and in front of the television. Every night I ran into the Blue Mountains, not to hunt my next meal, but hoping to catch the scent of the nomad I was tracking. I never caught the dirty/cinnamon-like smell of Victoria. Instead, I was overwhelmed by the sweet smell of pine trees that filled the area.

Then finally, on October 14th I found a news story on line that gave me hope and put me in a new direction, Northeast to Spokane.

**The Spokane Daily Herald**

**October 14****th****, 2005**

**by: Steven Perkins, staff**

_**Golfer attacked.**_

**Police are asking for calm after an animal attack has left a prominent local man dead. **

**Glen Phillips 36, was playing an early morning round of golf at the Indian Canyon Golf course when attacked by a Cougar. Witness say they had heard growls coming from dense areas in the park. **

**Spokane Police Department Spokesperson Bill Sparks has asked for support from the community. "We ask that the community stay away from forested areas until the animal in question has been caught," Local Animal Control Officer Wyatt Davis said. "There is no indication this is related to the recent attacks in Seattle," adding "that is on the other side of the state. No cougar would travel this distance to hunt."**

That night I drove to Spokane and made my way to the Canyon Golf course. The course was silent, as were the woods that surrounded it. But Victoria's scent was strong. She couldn't have been gone from the area for too long.

I noticed trees snapped on the edge of the woods next to the green where the victim was killed. She attacked quickly. She wasn't being safe and I could tell her actions were showing more and more anger. I just hoped it wasn't anger directed at Bella and I could keep her away.

As I sat near the edge of the course it occurred to me how strong Victoria's scent was. Perhaps she was close and knew I was tracking her. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. If she knew and followed me, thinking Bella was with me, I could lead her away. If she knew and didn't take the bait she could get to Bella before I could kill her.

I was pathetic at tracking. I was only able to find her based on news reports and arrived after the fact. I had been unable to prevent any attacks. I had not been able to follow her merely on her scent. I had much work to do and certainly not much time to do it.

I reclined back onto the ground and opened my arms, spreading them out beside me. I closed my eyes and envisioned Victoria, trying to imagine what she could be thinking. I needed to know how her mind worked, to get closer to her.

After about an hour of quiet concentration I heard something in the woods behind me. I knew it couldn't be an animal. Animals instinctively avoided our kind and no human would be in the woods this time of night, especially with reports of a cougar on the loose.

Then I smelled her. I smelled Victoria.

I leapt to my feet and quickly ran towards the scent, deeper into the woods. When I reached an area about a mile in, her scent was the strongest, but I could not tell which direction she had gone. Somehow she disguised it. Then I looked at the tree and noticed a few longs strands of flaming red hair. It HAD been Victoria.

I ran for miles in each direction of the tree and never saw her. I never picked up on her scent either. Victoria had, once again, proven elusive.

I stood in the woods for hours, trying to figure what I was doing wrong. There had to be a simple answer I was missing.

Just as the sun began to peek up from the ground I knew it was time to seek the shelter of my motel once again and headed in that direction.

After getting so close to Victoria and missing her I was an emotional wreck. I figured it was a good time for another journal entry, to clear my mind.

_October 15__th__, 2005_

_I find myself writing to you again, Bella. Since everything I do is for you. _

_Today I tracked Victoria into the woods near Spokane, but I lost her. I feel so much guilt that I am unable to protect you the way you deserve. Actually, had I never come into your life you would never need any protecting. That is the irony of the whole thing. _

_I realized, as I sat in silence in the woods, that it has been a month since my family and I left Forks. It seems so much more time has passed. It seems a lifetime ago that I kissed your lips gently and tangled my fingers in your soft, brown hair. I still believe leaving you was the best thing for you, but it is torturing me. There is nothing in the world I want more than to be with you, to hold you, to breathe in your scent and watch the pink fill your cheeks. _

_The old saying is "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". Perhaps that is true, but at this point I have difficulty seeing that. Never, in all my one hundred years did anyone enter my life that made me feel a fraction of what I felt, and still feel, for you. I truly believe I am being punished for my monstrous deeds by having you within my grasp, then ripped away._

_I often lay in my room during the day, hiding from the light, thinking of and remembering you. My fondest memories are of our time in the meadow. That was the place where we could be ourselves in a shared world. The meadow was not your human world and it was not my vampire sanctuary. It was OUR world. _

_I can see you now, laying beside me, with your hair flowing around your shoulders, surrounded by the flowers of the meadow, the wind dancing in your hair as you smile at me. I can feel your hand on mine, comforting and reassuring me. I knew, after our first time in the meadow, that our love for each other was true and I felt it was possible to overcome the obvious hurdles ahead of us. I was so wrong._

_I am continuing with my efforts to eliminate Victoria and to offer you a safe world to live in, free of monsters that would haunt you in nightmares and hunt you in your waking hours._

_No matter how many miles or years separate us I will always love you, and only you Bella._

_ EC_

*~*~*

For days I poured over news stories and re-read some of the journals I had written from my darker days, when I hunted humans. I had hoped they would give me more insight into what I was missing. All of the years pretending to be a good, moral vampire had made me lose touch with who and what I truly was – a hunter and a killer.

**The Portland Sun**

**Oct 22,****2005**

**by David Tipene **

**Animal crisis after attacks**

**A spate of animal attacks in the western states has Police urging for vigilance. The latest incident follows the attacks in Seattle and Spokane. **

**Natalie Lewis 42, was attacked and killed while walking her dog along in Council Crest City Park. The dog survived the initial attacked, but died later at the Portland Animal Clinic. **

**Portland Police are asking for people not directly involved in working in recreational areas to please stay away. **

"**This isn't the same animal doing these attacks, there's multiple animals attacking so please, stay out of the parks until its safe again." **

**Rumors circulating the internet have presented theories on rouge animals hunting the Western seaboard. One posting on an internet site suggests a cult is responsible for the killings. Police deny any human involvement, stating all attacks are committed by animals alone. **

After reading the news story out of Portland I was more certain than ever that Victoria was responsible. She had a pattern and it had become easier to follow, and predict.

I quickly made my way to Oregon, but Victoria's scent was faint by the time I reached Portland. She had already moved on. There was no sense in my staying around. She had not made it a habit to attack in the same place twice.

From her pattern I figured she had been sticking in or near the mountain ranges and it seemed she was heading south. But why? Then it occurred to me, she remembered Bella had been in Phoenix. That is where I killed her mate and that was where she seemed to be headed to search for mine.

I headed further south, towards Eugene, which seemed a logical place for Victoria to head based on her previous patterns. But her scent wasn't there. Perhaps, for once, I had beaten her to her destination. I would wait for her, prepare for her. This had become my purpose.

I had once kept Bella safe from herself and now I could only protect her secretly, from a distance. That would be my punishment. She would constantly be a part of me and on my mind. Though I had no soul of my own, her soul had become mine and we were forever inner-twined, though we were no longer physically together. Until the day she departed this earth and no longer needed my protection, I would prevent any mythological danger from entering her normal, human life, all the while in secret and from afar.

I waited for weeks In Eugene. I searched the mountains and the coast surrounding the area, but I never detected a hint of Victoria. There were no missing hikers or reports of violent animal attacks on the news.

I began doubting myself. Had I gone the wrong way? Had Victoria taken another path, perhaps back towards Forks, while I sat here and did nothing that kept Bella from danger?

Then the morning of November 8th I saw a report from the Sacramento Herald on-line and I knew Victoria had gotten around me somehow and proceeded south. I was sorry another innocent human had to die, but I was grateful she had not moved north towards Bella.

I took the time to hunt in the mountains surrounding Eugene. I had become so obsessed with Victoria that hunting had not been my first priority. I felt I was getting weaker and was certain that was the reason I missed out on Victoria getting past me. She was hunting, and humans at that. Her senses and abilities were stronger than mine were. I knew if I hoped to find her, let alone destroy her, I needed to hunt and build up my strength.

Hunting had become secondary for me since I had begun tracking Victoria. I became obsessed with finding and killing her. I was no longer distracted by the unbelievable thirst for Bella's blood and its scent, which had forced me to hunt regularly in an effort to protect her from my bloodlust.

However, I would have given anything to feel the burn in my throat and lungs when I was near her. I longed to smell her and touch her rosy cheeks and kiss her soft lips and to run my fingers through her thick brown hair.

I became tortured with memories of Bella. And I knew I deserved to be. I had been naïve to believe I could ever have had a relationship with a human and one as tempting as Bella had been to me.

I had now returned to the soulless shell of the man I had once been, 100 years earlier. My punishment for taking lives was the knowledge I would never have what my victims had - real love, real feelings, real relationships. I was much more aware of what I had taken away from those I had murdered so many decades before. Even if they had been "bad" they still had those things I coveted and were entitled to them.

Perhaps, had I let them live, they could have found a love that changed them as profoundly as Bella's love for me had changed me. I was "bad" and for the time I had her in my life I had begun to believe I could have those things, too. But the truth was I was more of a monster than any one of those people could have ever been and I never deserved the love Bella had so selflessly given to me.

Suddenly a cougar crossed my path and I could focus on the task at hand, my meal. I was able to think of something other than Bella, at least for 20 minutes.

From my lack of feeding, the cougar was like dining on a filet minion after eating a burger. My thirst was quenched and I was able to again focus on tracking the red headed nightmare that was Victoria. I tossed my backpack into the Vanquish and headed south towards Sacramento.

* * *

**A/N: Leave me some love…but be nice & not too critical. This is for your entertainment, but it means so very much to me. I'll send you Edward kisses if you do.**


	7. CALIFORNIA

**DISCLAIMER: I own nothing, but the four books I bought, two shirts, the journals, Esme's bracelet, the Movie, the Movie Companion and the soundtracks**. **Oh and I will be pre-ordering New Moon!**

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Chapter 7 CALIFORNIA

**Sacramento Herald**

**November 8****th****, 2005**

**Grave fears for missing biker**

**by Robert Stevens, crime reporter **

**Police are asking for information on a person reported missing since Thursday. Roger Benito 22, was last seen riding his mountain bike along the American River Bike Track in Sacramento. A search has come up with only the bike being found in the woodlands at Goethe Park and Police have grave fears for his safety. "We are worried that he may have met with foul play, anyone with information on Mr. Benito's whereabouts, please contact the Sacramento Police Department." Roger Benito is 6'2", Caucasian with short black hair and was wearing black shorts and a white T-shirt. He has a distinguished tribal eagle tattoo on his right shoulder.**

It seemed Victoria knew I was following her and was changing her methodology in an effort to throw me off. While tracking was not my avocation I was fairly good at knowing how people worked.

Victoria was in this more for a game than anything. Of course she had to quench her thirst, but she liked a challenge as well and none of the humans she had killed were ever really a threat or contest for her. She was now playing a game of cat and mouse with me. I was as determined as she was elusive. We were formidable opponents. And what made us more determined adversaries was the fact that we were both driven by love and loss.

If Victoria was changing the way she was playing the game then I needed to match her moves. I decided to park the Vanquish somewhere safe and out of the way and found an old winery with several barns where I decided to stay. If I wanted to track her I needed to move like her. Victoria was a nomad and traveled without thought and planning, without ties to keep her in one place. I needed to become part of the environment in which we now waged our battle. I would take the time to go back to the Vanquish every few days to check on the laptop for any updates.

Hiding out in the barn I had very little to occupy my time, other than the rodents and small mammals that skitted about, only to run quickly away when they got within 50 ft. of me. That was okay. I meant them no harm. They weren't worth the effort it took to kill them.

During the day the sunlight would stream through planks in the barn roof that had shrunken over the years. It was enough light for me to read and write in my journals and occasionally it would fall across my skin and sparkle, reminding me of the days I spent in the meadow with Bella, unafraid of showing who I truly was. I picked up a journal and began to read.

_January 23, 2005_

_I've been in Denali with Tanya's clan for five days now, hoping I can find a way to live with them, away from Forks and far from Bella Swan, the objective of my deepest desires. _

_I left town after barely controlling myself and preventing a massacre in the biology classroom the moment she walked into the room and into my life. Her scent, more potent and beautiful than any I had ever smelled took me by surprise. I had never wanted to kill a human so badly in my life. I imagined sinking my teeth into her neck and drinking the blood that sung to me like a tragic opera._

_I made it through the day without harming one human being and left immediately for Alaska._

_Tanya's coven has always been so warm and welcoming to us Cullens and I know that Tanya had long had a desire to be my mate. But I never shared those feelings for her, or for anyone else. At least not until Bella Swan came to Forks. I was drawn to her, not only by her blood, but by an invisible magnetic force. I felt the need and desire to be near her, yet I had the desire to drink her blood and kill her. How can I balance the two and be near her?_

_I miss my family and I long to be near Bella again, but I am not sure I am strong enough to do what I have to do to avoid harming the beautiful young girl with the thick brown hair and deep brown eyes that hide her secrets. I can not see into her soul and I can not read her mind. She fascinates me and frustrates me all at once. I believe I have fallen in love with the Swan girl._

_Earlier, I realized, I must return to Forks and do everything I can to protect her, but I can not stay away, which would be the safest decision for Bella. I have to be near her. I also have to not kill her. I hope Alice will help me with that part, forewarn me if I become a danger._

_I spoke to Tanya and told her of my decision to return to Forks. She seemed disappointed, but supportive nonetheless. She thought I would do more harm to the girl than good, but was not against adding another member to the Cullen clan. Although, I assured her, I had no intention of taking the soul of this innocent, beautiful young girl whose blood sings to me like none other._

_EC_

It hadn't even been a year since I met Bella, but it seemed like an eternity. I had resisted her blood and her body for so long. I never imagined something like a paper cut would shatter the world we were sharing.

The truth was I was so wrapped up in loving this human girl and her loving me, making me feel human that I forgot I was not a mortal man and I lived with predators, just like me. The difference was they did not share the same love for her that I did, the love that kept me from killing her. For them, the bloodlust took over and that was normal, expected. It was the way the tree of life and death, as it were, worked for us.

All I ever wanted was to be able to love her openly and freely with no fear on either of our parts. I was so naive to believe that was possible. Every day we breathed the same air she was in danger and I was too pre-occupied to protect her.

Now I was focused. I was focused on tracking, hunting and destroying Victoria before she took her revenge on me. I knew that time would come and hoped to stop it before Bella realized she was in danger. I had killed Victoria's mate and she would not stop until she destroyed mine.

Victoria did not know that I had left Bella and even if she did, she would not care. Ultimately, Bella was still the love of my life, my existence and Victoria knew that destroying that would destroy me.

When I wasn't hunting Victoria at night I was taking cover from the daylight, but I could not hide from what I had done and what I was.

How could I believe I deserved love and compassion when I didn't believe those I had killed deserved those very same things? Yes, they were monsters and had done or were preparing to do horrible things, but so had I. Murder was murder in God's eyes and that was why my soul was damned for hell.

For me to believe I could love someone with a beautiful soul, so beautiful it could love something as flawed as me, was tragic in itself. From the day I was created, I was damned to hell. I would not do the same to her, yet I could not ever give her the human experiences she needed and deserved in life.

Leaving her was the most difficult thing I had ever done and it didn't get easier with every day that separated us. I was so torn between what I knew was right and what I selfishly desired. I was right to leave her behind in Forks so she could go on with a normal human life, with no interference from me. But I longed to lie next to her in her bed, with her face resting on my chest, watching her breasts rise and fall with each breath she took. I missed listening to her talk in her sleep and reaching out for me in the night.

Before I realized it my thoughts had gone on until only the light from the moon found its way through the spaces in the rafters. I knew it was time to head out and hunt my ultimate prey.

I headed down to some of the seedier parts of Sacramento, where I knew Victoria would blend in perfectly. For that matter, I hadn't bathed in days or changed my clothes, so I fit in perfectly as well.

As I made my way through homeless shanty towns below underpasses and bridges, I picked up her scent which was strong. I followed the trail to a red headed woman sleeping in a broken down refrigerator box. She wasn't the red-head I was looking for; this one had a heart beat. I leaned in close enough to breath in the scent from the clothes, careful not to wake the stranger.

Victoria's scent was pungent and I remembered that was the shirt I had last seen her in. She was doing her best to distract me and throw me off by putting up road blocks in this game of hide and seek.

I continued to walk through the homeless areas and near the crack houses. Again, I picked up on her scent. It was coming from a home that looked like it should be condemned. It seemed like the perfect place for her to hide.

As I stepped onto the porch I could hear the heartbeats inside and read several thoughts.

_We don't know him. He definitely isn't from here._

_But he doesn't look like a cop._

_He doesn't look like a customer either._

_Get the gun._

Great. "Get the gun." Like that would work anyway, but they did not understand my purpose. I realized then I could have used Jasper to calm the situation. But I was on my own and had to handle the situation myself.

I knocked on the door and it inched open.

"What you want?" asked a large black man from the corner of the living room. He looked like he could be a bouncer for a club or a bodyguard, but I figured him to be the enforcer and the one with the gun.

"I apologize, I thought I saw someone I knew come in here," I explained.

They all chuckled, surely at the formality of my answer.

"You a cop?" asked a girl that seemed strung out on some sort of drug, draping herself across the couch.

"No, I am not a cop," I answered. "She looked like a girl I used to know, beautiful red hair that flowed down her back…"

"Oh yeah," answered another girl who emerged from the kitchen. "She was here, needed a place to crash for the day and was looking for a change of clothes."

"So she is gone?" I asked.

"Yep, left about an hour ago," the woman replied.

"I don't imagine she told you where she was headed?" I inquired.

The man laughed a deep belly laugh which turned my attention back to him. "And you suppose we'd tell you if she did?"

"I could pay you," I offered, knowing I was taking a chance of being robbed, but I could read their minds and that was not their intention, nor would they have a chance against me. Most or all of them were drunk or high and merely wanted money for their next fix.

"I think she said she was headed towards Yosemite, wanted to do some camping," the woman from the kitchen said, approaching me with her hand out.

I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out $200 and handed it to her.

"Well, thank you for your trouble," I said and stepped back out of the house.

_That dude just gave me $200 bucks._

Victoria was cunning. She was giving her clothes to homeless people and borrowing clothes from drug dealers to throw me off her trail. But so far I was lucky enough to stay closely in step with her.

When I reached in my pocket to get the money I felt something else. As I stood under a street light I pulled the object from my pocket. It was the picture of Bella that I had kept when I hid the things in her room.

I ran my fingers over the outline of her face in the picture and gently moved them down her hair. I took a deep breath and held the picture close to my heart.

I looked up and noticed the New Moon and knew that, wherever she was, we were seeing the same moon. I wondered if she looked upon it and missed me as much as I missed her, though I hoped she was not filled with the sadness and guilt I had become consumed with.

I could not look upon the moon with a smile. Instead I looked at it and it reminded me of just how far from home I was. And home was where Bella was. It was just a home I could never return to, much like my human home.

I kissed the picture, letting my lips linger on hers, trying to remember the softness of her pink lips beneath my cold, marble ones. I gently tucked it back into my jacket pocket, not wanting to let it, or her go. I patted the jacket from the outside, pressing it closer to where my heart would have been. "I love you Bella. Please be safe," I whispered, pressing the picture as close to my chest as possible, in a futile effort to make it become the heart it represented.

I returned to the barn to retrieve my things and took them back to the Vanquish. Then I headed south towards Yosemite. The forest land that surrounded El Capitan was prime hunting ground for vegetarian vampires like myself, but also prime hunting ground for nomads like Victoria – plenty of tourists to keep her occupied. Perhaps I could arrive in enough time to prevent any more deaths.

The tracking process had been more difficult than I remembered it being when Carlisle, Emmett and I had followed her to Canada back in the spring. Perhaps it was because I was hunting alone or perhaps it was because, while my purpose was the same – protecting Bella, my end result would not be winning the girl, just slaying the dragon. Then there was the ever present inner demon I was battling.

It was the middle of November and snow had fallen in the mountains of Yosemite by the time I arrived. I parked the Vanquish at a nearby run-down roadside motel that specialized in "theme" rooms. I took what room they had available, appropriately a hunter's paradise with heads of various animals mounted on the walls. It didn't look as though they had re-decorated since the 1950's, but I didn't mind. I had a purpose and it was not to be vacationing in the lap of luxury. The room was merely a place to shelter me from the sunlight.

For three nights I went into the wilderness and searched for traces of Victoria or her scent, with no luck. I knew I needed to feed as well, but that was secondary in my mind. A black bear was easy pickings, coming out briefly from its den, but I didn't have the will to battle the bear. Instead I went for the easy kill and took down a doe.

As I feasted on the female I caught site of two baby deer standing near the edge of the tree line. Guilt wracked me. I realized I had probably killed their mother – taking her from them when they needed her most, in the winter. They would be lucky to survive without her to protect and hunt for them.

I wandered in the forest and climbed sheer rock faces, taking in the quiet beauty of the valley with the mountain tops and trees dusted with snow. The silence was deafening. There was no one around for miles. There were no voices in my head, no one's thoughts to muddle through, but my mind was not at peace – it was at war with what I knew what was right and what I desired, which was wrong in so many ways.

Perhaps I should have taken on the bear and let it tear me to shreds. I already felt my soul had been decimated, why not my body? Of course the bear would never be able to kill me, but the torture I would suffer seemed worth it. Perhaps the next day. On that day I was mentally exhausted and headed back to my room, where I could at least turn a television on for sound or listen to the thoughts of the few off-season visitors to the motel.

Just as Twilight fell across the valley on November 15th, I caught Victoria's scent once again and followed it to the base of Lembert Dome.

Just as I came out of the forest, I stood in stunned silence at the sight of Victoria feeding on the body of a man who still had repelling gear hanging from him. She looked up at me with a maniacal grin and wiped blood from her lips with the back of her hand before standing to stare me down, both of us frozen in our positions.

"Hello, Edward," Victoria said seductively. She tilted her head sideways and asked, "Why are you so intent on following me?"

"I happened to be in the area," I lied, "and I wanted to make sure you weren't leaving a problem that would cause the Volturi to have to come here."

"Silly Boy," she laughed. "I am covering my tracks."

"But you are not," I chided her.

"So, is your 'pet' with you – your Bella?" She asked, pursing her lips together and squinting at me with her fire red eyes.

"Do you think I am that stupid, Victoria - to bring her to you? I know what you want. You desire to kill my mate to make up for my killing James. Bella is safely in hiding. This matter is between you and me," I said sternly, lying through my venom covered teeth.

"I do not underestimate your intelligence or resolve Edward Cullen, but do not underestimate mine either. You took all that I had. I have nothing to lose. You, on the other hand, have everything to lose. Consider _that_ when you are engaging in this silly game you are trying to play with me," she warned.

As I took a step towards her she took two steps back. "You are a formidable opponent, Victoria. That is for sure, but I do not lose. And I will not stop until I have eliminated you."

She smirked and egged me on with her hands. "Well, I am here now. Come and get me."

I debated, briefly, if that was the moment to attack and decided I had no other option.

Victoria was fast. She wasn't as fast as I was, but she had an uncanny ability to elude and escape. Every time I got close enough to wrap my fingers around her neck she slipped away.

After a twenty mile chase I was able to grab on to her arm. She quickly slipped from my grip and sunk her teeth into my chest, ripping my shirt. I could feel her venom stinging my skin and it was enough of a distraction to allow her to escape.

I returned to the site of her kill and went about disposing of the body. There was no need to provoke the Volturi and bring them here. Victoria was my problem and I would handle her on my own.

I rolled a medium size boulder out of its place and placed the body beneath it. No human would ever be able to move the giant stone and I knew this hiker would go down only as a missing person, never to be discovered.

I remained in the area for the next three days. I tracked at night and sensed that Victoria was still in the area, although I never encountered her.

Three days after my meeting with Victoria the story of the missing man finally appeared in the local paper.

**YOSEMITE NEWS**

**November 18****th****, 2005**

**Man missing in Yosemite wilderness**

**by: David Rogers, staff writer**

**Police have been unable to find missing rock climber Jeff Richards, missing in the Yosemite National Park for three days. An extensive search of the Park has come up with no trace of the man, last seen at the Tuolumne Meadows Campground. Repelling equipment belonging to Mr. Richards was found at the base of Lembert Dome. Police won't speculate on the possible link between this and the disappearance of Roger Benito, missing for twelve days. Anyone with information on the whereabouts of Mr. Richards is to please contact Police.**

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**A/N: Please review!!! It really inspires me to write & get the next chapter up quicker…it motivates me to no end. Thank you for reading & for your reviews!  
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	8. CHRISTMAS

**A/N: Edward puts his cards on the table in this chapter of Black Moon. As he spoke to me, he reminded me that I had to 'know when to hold 'em and know when to fold em'. Well, Poker was something I knew ABSOLUTELY nothing about. So I folded and let BostonGirl1212 take the hand and she most graciously wrote the exciting game of Texas Hold 'em that you will read in this chapter. Thanks to her, I could resume my journey with Edward. Between reading Black Moon, check out her FanFic, Always & Never, it is Amazing! ****http://www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/s/5460407/1/Always_Never**

**Also, a great big Thank you to my Beta ForksPixie that went on this journey with me and Edward to Sin City…What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight…but I can always add it to my Christmas list & hope, right?**

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**Chapter 8 CHRISTMAS**

Things had been quiet for weeks and I had much time for reflection. I had time with my journals and time with my thoughts. One journal entry in particular reminded me of what I was missing – my family back in New York.

_**August 18, 1950 **_

_**Today Emmett and I returned from a hunt in the Rocky Mountains. As we entered Colorado Springs, I knew something was different at the house. I heard new thoughts, mingled with those of Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle. They had not mentioned visitors coming before we left.**_

_**Emmett and I were on alert as we came closer to the house, then I heard "her". 'Finally, my own room and I have a view of the mountains', she chirped. She was in MY room. My room was the only room with a view of Pikes Peak. 'I hope Edward forgives me for putting his things in the garage. I didn't know where else to put them.'**_

_**Sure enough, I looked in the window of the door to the garage and there were all of my things. At least she had put my records in boxes. I could not imagine who this girl thought she was.**_

_**Emmett was already in the house by the time I had stopped at the garage. As soon as I stepped in I saw a tiny girl with short black hair, holding hands with a tall blonde man about my age. I had never seen either of them before, but knew instinctively the little big personality that had taken my room belonged to the angelic young woman.**_

_**I was surprised. Emmett was calm. I was calm. Everyone was calm. There were strangers in our house and they seemed to know who each of us were and had moved in without an invitation, yet it did not seem to bother any of us. It was the strangest sensation.**_

_**We all talked for hours and they told us their story. Her name is Alice. His is Jasper. They had found one another two years ago. She told the story with such love and joy and he looked at her adoringly as she told us how she found him one rainy day in a diner in Philadelphia. **_

_**I instantly felt a bond with my newest "sister", one I had never enjoyed with Rosalie and I love her and her mate as though they had always been my family. **_

_**However, seeing them together reminded me that everyone in my life has someone. Everyone except me. Each of them has found each other through fate. I seem to be fated to live without love.**_

_**But I am lucky to have a family. Most others of our kind live alone, without the luxuries we were afforded by acclimating ourselves with the humans that outnumbered us.**_

_**After we heard their stories, Alice danced off towards the garage, with Jasper in tow. I soon followed and found her decorating my new "room" above the garage. **_

_**I know I should be angry with her, for uprooting me and my routine, but it was the exact opposite. I am happy to have her spirit of joy and gratitude and do not mind moving out of the big house for her.**_

_**EC**_

For the next month I stalked Victoria back and forth across Death Valley and into Nevada. She knew I was hunting her and she was becoming more cunning. She wouldn't just move forward in a direction now, she would back-track in an effort to dissipate her scent and confuse me.

Finally I tracked her close enough to Las Vegas to see the lights of the strip and I knew this was where she would be. There was no better place for a vampire to call home than Las Vegas – a nightlife that never stopped and plenty of tourists and transients that could serve as a meal without ever being missed.

Vegas would be a relief for me. No more seedy motels and barns. I could clean up and try to remember what it was like to live near other people, although the only one I wanted to be near was Bella. Every day that went along I missed her more and second-guessed myself even further.

Avoiding humans as much as possible, while tracking Victoria, I had lost some of my resistance to their scents. Being in Vegas would test my will power, but this might be just the place where she would not be able to easily escape me.

I chose to check in at the Venetian Hotel. The Vanquish would not look out of place here, plus it had an undercover valet entrance that would keep me out of the sun as I entered or left the hotel. It would also give me an opportunity to clean up and get my head together.

I stepped up to the check-in counter and asked for a suite.

The concierge typed feverishly away at his computer, finding availability. It was close to Christmas time and I was sure I would have to take what was available.

"How long will you be staying with us?" he asked in a very authentic Italian accent.

I thought for a moment and decided, "Probably through New Years."

He continued to type and smiled as he handed me a room key and the paperwork that outlined the amenities and costs. "We have the Bella suite available for you. Our bell boy will be happy to take you to your room," he motioned as a bellman moved over and offered to take my backpack.

I was stunned for a moment. I hadn't expected anything like "the Bella suite" to make me feel so morose.

"Um…okay," I agreed, handing the backpack to the bellman, who led us to a set of elevators that would take me to my home for the next two weeks – assuming Victoria continued on with the pattern she had established so far.

I held my breath as the elevator took us to the 15th floor. I had been so focused on Victoria that I had not hunted as frequently as I had become used to. I wanted to be assured that the bellman would not be a temptation to me until I could leave and hunt in the evening.

He sat my bag down on one of the queen sized beds and I tipped him. He seemed very grateful. I honestly had no idea what I handed him. I just wanted him out of the room.

I shut the door behind him. I did not take in the appearance of the suite. Not only did I not care what it looked like, but to think about the suite's name was just too much for me at that moment. I moved to close the curtains on the window that looked out onto the Vegas Strip. I could look after dark, but for now I didn't need onlookers to think there was a light display in my room if the sun reflected off my skin.

It had been weeks since I had taken a shower and the dirt that covered me made me pass for human, disguising the sparkle that gave my kind away. I needed to refresh my batteries though and get back on top of the game. I hoped Vegas would be where I would destroy Victoria. This journey was wearing on me. In the back of my mind all I ever thought of was Bella and how badly I wanted to return to her.

The hot water turned cold almost as soon as it hit my icy skin. The temperature didn't matter to me anyway. I just wanted the sensation of the water hitting my face and running down my neck. It reminded me of home, of Forks.

I closed my eyes and leaned my back against the wall of the shower as the water continued to beat down on me. My mind went directly to Bella.

I had flashes running through my mind, of the day of the prom when I picked the flowers for her and placed them in her hair, of the day I took her to my house to meet my family, of sitting with her and Alice back at the high school lunch table and finally, visions of her bleeding at her own birthday party and the day in the forest, when I walked away from her forever.

If I had been able to create tears I would have cried without end. I missed her so much and the decision I made to leave her pained me deep down inside, though I still knew it was the right decision, for her.

When I finally finished this chase to rid the world of Victoria, I would have to figure out how I would manage to continue on with my daily existence. I had to contemplate how I would survive without Bella. I did it for 100 years before her, but the months I had spent with her changed that. I forgot how to merely be. I had learned to live, thanks to her, and I wasn't sure I could live without Bella.

I turned the water off slowly and stood there for a few more minutes. The true torture of immortality was, well, immortality. I could never escape from the wrongs I had done or the pain I had caused. I would have to _live_ with those decisions forever.

I stepped out of the shower and dried the water that had beaded on my skin. Then I reached for a robe on the back of the door and put it on. It was still hours before darkness would fall, so I made my way to the sofa and turned on the television to the local news channel, hoping for a distraction or any lead to Victoria.

Every murder, every missing person – I tried to find any suggestion that they were attributed to Victoria. They weren't. None of them fit her pattern. I simply wanted them to lead me to her. I wanted to find her and end this. I wanted to be able to find balance, to think and focus on one thing at a time. I guess what I was looking for was closure.

As sunset fell across the desert I opened the curtains and looked out onto the Vegas Strip lit up as normal, but decorated festively for Christmas. The Bellagio Fountain was across from my room and the show of water and lights was synchronized to holiday favorites like "It's Beginning to Feel A Lot like Christmas".

Seeing the festivities made me miss my family. I hadn't spoken to them since I spoke to Alice two months ago. I knew I would have to call them soon, to tell them I was thinking of them and to let them know I was fine. If I didn't, Alice was likely to hunt me down and I didn't need her in the middle of my business with Victoria.

For tonight though, I would head out into the desert and hunt. I was around far too many humans to allow my hunger to take over.

Vegas was a veritable hunting ground for any vampire, aside from the constant sunshine. Just past the strip were seedy neighborhoods where the down-trodden took up residence and just past there, the desert. It was close enough to see the lights of the city and hear the constant noise, but far enough away that it seemed another world.

The desert was crawling with dozens of reptiles and small mammals, but I needed to feed a hunger that longed to be properly quenched. I needed something larger. That quest sent me further into the desert where I finally ran across a family of bighorn sheep – just what I needed.

As quickly as I took down one of the larger males the herd scattered and I was all alone with my kill. Silence surrounded us, the lights from the city making the horizon glow. It was a good kill and I fed the monster that had been starving deep inside of me. For now, the residents and tourists of Vegas would be safe from Edward Cullen.

I was careful to make it a clean kill, careful not to spill a drop of blood on my clothing. I couldn't have people taking note of an appearance like that when I returned to my hotel.

When I returned to the suite I showered and sat in a chair in front of the window, protected from the glare of the desert sun by the curtain sheers. I decided I would write in my journal again and continue writing to Bella.

_**December 18**__**th**__**, 2005 **_

_**Bella,**_

_**I miss you more and more with each passing day. I am doing everything in my power to protect you by following Victoria. But the reality is I would prefer to protect you back in Forks. I want to be able to protect you from your own propensity for danger, not the real threats I have brought into your life. **_

_**I want to hold you close and watch over you as you sleep peacefully in your bed each night. I haven't slept in 100 years and can not remember what that felt like, but since I have left you, I find that my days and nights are far from peaceful and restful. Although I would spend my nights merely watching you sleep, those were the most peaceful nights of my existence. I felt I was doing something good and right, protecting instead of harming. I was your guardian angel and you were my heaven on earth. Suddenly I find myself back where I once was, a monster living in my own personal hell.**_

_**The only solace I have in all of this, is knowing that after I destroy Victoria you will never have to worry again about the myths and monsters I brought to your doorstep. I would suffer a thousand lifetimes to know that you are safe and happy. I am not sorry that you came into my life. I am eternally grateful for that gift, although I still do not know what I ever did to deserve you. However, I am truly remorseful that I had to interfere with your life. I worry that I have interrupted the path your life was meant to follow. **_

_**I am in a city with over 1 million people and I feel lonelier than I have ever felt in my life. I knew I loved you and needed you, but now I feel the absence of you. I turn and wish you were sitting there on the bed, waiting for me to hold you in my arms and hum your lullaby as you drift off to sleep. I find myself reaching my hand out for yours, but there is nothing there but emptiness. I could not bear it if I believed you missed me half as much as I miss you. I hope you believed me when I said I didn't want you. I hated saying those words to you as much as you hated lying to Charlie in order to escape from James. But just as you did, I had to be convincing. I only hope those words made you hate me as much as I deserved and you have moved on happily in your life.**_

_**I love you and miss you more than you will ever know.**_

_** EC**_

Later that night, having fed my hunger I decided it was safe for me to go to one of the casinos in the hotel and use my mind reading skills to add to my dwindling cash supply. Of course I knew I could call Carlisle and he would have the money sent to me instantly, but this was my quest and my burden to bear alone.

I found my place at a Texas Hold 'Em table and held my breath, though in this entire room of humans not one of them had a scent I desired as much as I had desired Bella's and although it had been difficult, I had resisted the compulsion to drink her blood.

I sat down at the first table I found. I took one look around and knew this was going to be easy. I never needed to use my _skill_ for money before. However this time, it was not a choice it was a necessity. The game was Texas Hold em'. I sat and waited for the dealer to count out my chips. I could read in their thoughts that everyone at the table was looking for some 'tell' sign from me; they were dying for me to slip up for the chance to pull in a pot.

The game was simple, small blind and large blind were placed. Then everyone at the table got two cards and then we bet. Then came the flop and we would bet again. Even without my ability to read the minds of those around me they all had their _tells_. Simple things like a nervous twitch of the lips, scratching of the face, smoking profusely, they were all too easy to read. I didn't have time to waste so I listened.

The large man thought he had a great hand holding a pair of queens. The elderly man to my right thought he was going to pull the full house so he raised and I matched him. The large man raised again hoping to have a few others drop out…and they did. The turn card came and it was a three and my straight was complete. There are only a few select hands that could beat an ace, high straight and no one at the table was even close. The elderly man was hesitant, he raised hoping that we would fold, once again I matched him. The larger man was silently praying for another queen, but didn't want to back down. He countered with yet another raise trying to force us out. We threw in out chips and the dealer dealt the final card, the river.

I immediately knew I had won. But there was one more round of betting before we would have to show our cards. I had to take full advantage of this situation. I had no time to waste. I needed to make as much money as possible in my short stay.

The bet was to the elderly man who checked. He was trying to stay in the game without having to add to the pot. Tonight was not his night if he wanted to stay in the game; he was going to have to pay. The large man was much more aggressive with his play. He raised the bet and I was quick and re-raised him. This was an all in table and I was willing to bet it all and pull in that hefty pot. The betting continued until the large man narrowed his eyes at me. I read his mind and he was convinced I was bluffing. I raised an eyebrow almost daring him to call me……and he _did._

The Large man went all in and I quickly pushed all my chips to the center of the table and that is when his cocky expression slipped from his face and the look of defeat flashed through his eyes. The Elderly man decided he was into the pot for more than what he had left and pushed his chips in as well. As soon as the dealer called for us to show our cards, I smirked as everyone else at the table sighed.

"Good play", the elderly man nodded at me as he stood to leave, watching me pull in the very large pot I had just won.

"Thanks", I nodded once in his direction and started to stack my winnings. This was going to be quick and easy only a few more hands and I could be on my way.

After several hours I took my chips to the window to cash them in and caught a glint of fiery red hair out of the corner of my eye. I quickly turned to look in the woman's direction as she made her way towards the exit. I breathed in deeply and knew immediately it was Victoria's scent. The moment the cashier handed me my winnings I made my way as quickly, yet discretely as I could out the door after her.

She only turned to look over her shoulder once and give me a knowing smirk. Was it possible she followed me here as opposed to the other way around?

I followed behind her for blocks, walking further and further away from the hustle and bustle of the main strip. However, I was not able to catch up with her without running at Vampire speed and that would have had the humans that surrounded us notice me.

Suddenly she got into a car with a young man and reached her hand out the window as if to wave goodbye to me as they raced away.

I followed her scent until I was a safe distance from prying eyes. Then I traveled at my chosen speed towards the desert, where the scent led me. On the edge of an access road I saw the sports car that had taken Victoria from the strip. The engine was still running, but I didn't see any movement. I made my way to the driver's side of the car and discovered it empty. I reached in and turned the ignition off so it didn't attract any unwanted attention. A breeze blew through and I turned my head quickly to the right, where her scent was strongest. In the distance I could see her flowing tresses bent over something.

Victoria stood to greet me, holding the limp body of her victim by the neck. "Sorry, Edward. You have arrived too late, again," she smirked.

However, I could still hear his heart beating and saw his eyes flinch. She had not killed him. Was it intentional or a misstep on her part?

"Victoria, there is no need for any further human suffering or sacrifice. You know why I want you and I know why you want me," I said. "Leave the humans out of this and may the best vamp win."

She dropped the man to the ground like a sack of potatoes and quickly knelt down at his side, laying her head on his chest. She looked up at me with a wicked smirk.

"Oh my, Edward. He is not dead. However, I do not have the inclination to continue with him only to give you the opportunity to destroy me," she laughed and stood to face me. "Whatever will _YOU_ do?"

"Victoria, this is your mess. You have to clean up after yourself," I said sternly.

"I don't think so," she grinned. "I really must run." With that Victoria sped off to the car and was on her way out of Vegas.

Now I had to make a choice Carlisle had made several times, one I was not comfortable with. I had to end this man's suffering and thus, his life or let the change happen allowing him to become one of us. The second choice was not a viable option. I clearly did not have the time or inclination to babysit a newborn, especially in a city that was such a prime feeding ground.

I knelt over him to complete Victoria's kill and he muttered something. "Save me," he said weakly.

His pleas tugged at me. I never wanted to kill an innocent human being, but I had no choice in this situation. Damn Victoria for further burdening me. The venom had begun to pulse through the man's veins and his suffering was great. I had to decide quickly on how to end his suffering or allow the change to continue.

"I am," I whispered in his ear. I then quickly moved my hands to either side of his head and turned it with a jerk. Swiftly breaking his neck. It pained me to have to end another being's life. Another strike against me.

I dropped the man and looked down at my hands. Blood covered them, and as if they moved by their own accord, I brought them to my lips. I had not fed enough and the scent was intoxicating. The flavor of fresh human blood was something I had not experienced in decades. I remembered it being so decadent and sinfully delicious, but under these circumstances I found it absolutely nauseating to me and just downright sinful.

I sat in the desert, next the body, wondering how I ever got to where I was. No matter how many good decisions I, and my family, tried to make we were still damned to hell and tonight proved that. I could run towards the light, but the darkness would always envelop me.

I returned to the hotel after having disposed of the body and sought solace in my suite for the next several days. I rejected housekeeping and only ordered room service so no one became suspicious. I was in such turmoil emotionally I could not make heads or tails of what my purpose was.

_**December 23, 2005**_

_**It is hard for me to imagine that the hell I have been damned to for so long could possibly be a more torturous place than the hell I am living every day. I took a human life and I hate myself for it even though I know it was necessary. When I took my last human life in 1931 I swore I would never do it again. And here I am, breaking that very promise. **_

_**Bella made me believe there was so much good in me and that there was a possibility of heaven for someone like me. I had begun to believe it because I wanted to be with her forever and heaven was where she would certainly go. Now how would God forgive me? This person had done no wrong. He had become yet another victim of the monster that I am, all because I fell in love with a beautiful human girl. I have so many deaths on my hands. Whether Victoria killed them or I killed them - it was still their blood on my hands and I knew that.**_

_**In short, a man must be set free from the sin he **__**is,**__** which makes him do the sin he **__**does.**__**--George MacDonald**_

_** EC**_

For the next two days I did nothing but think about the man's life I had just taken. I went to the desert to see if I could pick up on Victoria's scent, but had no luck. I needed to re-group and think about where she would go next. But I had difficulty focusing on Victoria. I had never regretted taking a human life more than I had in the past two days. I knew now, more than ever, leaving Bella was the most responsible thing I could have ever done. I never wanted to think that it could have been her, laying dead in my arms.

It had been months since I talked to my family and right now, I needed them. I needed them to remind me of the good that was deep down within each of us and I needed to be reminded of home – to be reminded that I came from somewhere other than hell.

I looked out the window at the Christmas lights and watched the humans that strolled along the streets of the city of sin, wishing I could walk amongst them without the burn that always comes from being amongst humans, the fear of what I might do to them if I ever let my instincts take over.

I re-focused and imagined our home in Forks, decorated for the holidays. Alice and Esme always made a production of decorating our houses up for each holiday, but Christmas was always special. Carlisle reminded us that God was there for everyone, even for us – we only had to believe. But I didn't believe that when Jesus was born to save us from our sins he had vampires in mind.

I dialed the phone and was not surprised when Alice answered exuberantly.

"I KNEW you would call!" she screamed into the phone. "Oh, Edward. I miss you, we all miss you. How are you? When are you coming home?"

Her words flew at me with the speed of the baseballs she pitched. I chuckled at her. I really did miss them all, especially my baby sister.

"Merry Christmas, Alice," I said softly, hoping she would tone down her excitement a bit. "I miss you too." I intentionally ignored the question of when I would return. The truth was I had no idea.

"Where are you?" she asked. "Wait, I think I know…"

"Alice, no guessing," I told her.

"Well, what if I KNOW and I am not guessing?" she teased.

"Alice, don't make me regret calling, please."

"Okay," she conceded. "So, how are you?"

"I am fine. I have just spent a lot of time tracking and haven't been able to take the time to call," I explained.

"Have you had any luck?" she asked.

"Close, but nothing concrete," I replied.

"Where are you going next? I can't see. I haven't been able to see much," she prodded.

"That's because I don't know where I am going yet, Alice. And it isn't important. You know I will return home when I am finished," I explained.

"I wish it was soon, Edward," she sighed. "We have your presents wrapped under the tree."

"Just save them for me, Alice," I requested. "When I come home I will open my gifts and I will have gifts for all of you."

I could practically hear her smile, but there was an awkward silence between us. She knew I didn't want to be pushed and that is all she had on her mind. She was so predictable.

"So, is Esme around?" I asked.

"Yes," she sighed as she handed the phone to my mother. It didn't take her long to get on the phone. I suspected they all were close together, anxious to hear from me.

"Oh, Edward," she sighed with relief. "How are you dear?"

"I'm fine," I smiled and reassured her. "I miss you all. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas to you as well Edward," she said softly. "Although it doesn't feel the same without you here."

"I know," I said, with shame in my voice that I had disappointed my mother. "But we have been apart before."

"Never at the holidays," she paused, "Not since we have all been together as a family."

"I will be home soon," I said, not knowing whether I was telling her the truth or not.

"Are you taking care of yourself?" she asked, just as any other mother would do.

I chuckled at her concern. "Yes, Mom. I am taking care of myself."

She laughed back at me, realizing I was not some teenager who was on a trip to camp. "I just worry about you."

"I know you do, but there is no reason. I am fine."

"I love you, Edward," she reminded me. "Here is Carlisle."

"Hello son," Carlisle said cheerfully. He undoubtedly was trying to liven up the mood Alice and Esme had inadvertently set.

"Hello, Carlisle, Merry Christmas."

"And to you as well, Edward. It just isn't the same without you here. We missed you on our regular Christmas Eve hunt," he joked.

"I am sure you did," I laughed. "I am sure Emmett and Jasper more than enjoyed eating my share."

"Is there anything you need?" he spoke lowly.

"No, Carlisle, I am fine. I can take care of myself, but thanks for asking."

"I know you can son," he admitted. "It's just nice to be needed."

"Carlisle, I will always need you _ALL_, you are my family. I am just on an extended vacation. Consider it no different than when Rose and Emmett go on one of their honeymoons."

"I understand what you are saying, but it isn't the same," he said, reminding me that no matter how old I was, I was still his son. "They were not taking the risks you are."

I decided to appease him and ask some advice. "I have done something I feel terribly guilty about," I confessed. "But I had no other choice…"

"Edward, you do not need to say another word, God knows what is in your heart and why you do what you do. I am sure you had your reasons. You do not have a malicious bone in your body. I trust that, whatever you did, you did because you had to."

I appreciated that I did not have to confess to him completely to make him understand. He always had re-assuring words and made me feel less guilty about some of the questionable choices I had made since he created me.

"Thank you, Carlisle, for always being here for me, no matter how far I roam or how badly I stray."

There was a pause then he spoke reassuringly. "Edward, I am your father and I will never abandon you."

His words were simple yet powerful. I hated what I was, deep down, but I knew it could be so much worse. I was lucky to have a family and a creator who did not leave me, as his had. He was always there to show us the way.

"Well, your brother is dying to talk to you," It sounded like he was choking back emotions. "Here is Emmett."

"Hey, bro!" Emmett yelled. I could practically feel his bear hug through the phone. "I got few extra deer last night, just for you," he teased.

"I was sure you would," I smiled. "When did you get back from your honeymoon?"

"A couple of weeks ago," he said. "The cottage is wonderful. Thanks for helping Esme with it."

"I hardly did anything at all before I left," I admitted. "Esme deserves all the credit."

"Well, I appreciate what you _did_ do," he said.

I wanted to lighten the mood so I teased him a bit. "Broken any walls yet?" I snickered.

"Not yet," he answered. I could practically see his cocky grin through the phone. It was nice to remember the little things about my family.

I could hear Rosalie in the background, "Let me talk to him," she said. I could tell in her tone that she wanted everyone's focus back on her and less on me, but she was going to make nice and act like she missed me.

"Miss you bro," Emmett said, "Here's Rose."

"Miss you too"

"Too late, he is already gone," she said sarcastically. "How is your Christmas?"

"It's fine Rosalie, but I miss being at home with all of you," It was true. I _did_ miss them all, even her.

"You should see how beautiful our cottage is," she sang.

"I saw a lot of potential in it when Esme found it; I just knew you both would love it."

"We do, it is so quaint and New England."

"Well," I said, "I am sure you are both happy to have a place of your own again."

"We really are, Well, Merry Christmas. Here is Jasper."

"Hey, Edward," Jasper said. "You have to come home soon. Alice has so much energy. She needs you to go hunting with again," he laughed.

It was true. Alice took both of us to keep her entertained.

"I will be home soon enough," I promised. "I am sure I will be home before the bears come out of hibernation for Emmett."

"Do you need anything?" he asked. "Do you need a visit?"

"Thanks for asking Jasper, but I am fine, I don't need to worry about anyone else. I need to do this on my own and get it done so I can come back…home."

I realized when I said home, that it meant Ithaca and not Forks. Would I ever get used to Forks _not_ being my home? I wasn't sure I wanted to.

"Well, if you decide you need a hunting buddy I can always come to wherever you are," he offered.

"I know you would," I answered. "But I am doing this alone and keep Alice occupied. I don't need her snooping."

"Will do," he laughed. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Jasper," I said as I wrapped up my phone call. "Will you tell everyone I love them and I will call when I can? I just need to be alone and do this on my own."

"Will do," he promised.

With that we hung up the phone and I could re-focus my hunt on Victoria.

* * *

**A/N: Please leave me some love & review. I have Edward waiting in Vegas for you if you do. Just imagine all the fun you could have!**


	9. SOUTHWEST

**Disclaimer: Let me check. Nope! Still own nothing.**

**Thank you to my Beta ForksPixie, Love you More!  
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Chapter 9 SOUTHWEST

For the next several days, I thought about how much I missed my family and began to doubt whether I had done the right thing by pursuing Victoria and leaving those I loved to grieve my absence. At the same time, I realized this lonely life of constant mental turmoil was something I deserved and something I owed to Bella. After all, as much as I loved my family, my love for Bella was the greatest love I had ever known.

Again, I opened my Journals and found myself grieving for a life I would never have.

_**June 20, 1947**_

_**Today is my birthday. If I were still a mortal man it would be the beginning of my 46**__**th**__** year. I imagine, had I lived and made it through the Great War, that I longed to be a part of, that I would have my own son away at war right now. Considering that, I realize how painful it must have been for my mother to think of losing her only son that way. **_

_**Had the Spanish Influenza not come knocking on our door in 1918, I imagine my life would be a far cry from what it is now. Surely I would have followed in my father's footsteps and gone on to law school after the war. I would have married a good Catholic girl from the neighborhood and we would have had five or six children by now. On Sundays we would attend mass with the family and have lunch at my parent's house while the children played on the swing set in the back yard.**_

_**Instead of becoming a defender of men, I have become a killer of them. All of the Hail Mary's and Our Father's and Confessions I had said in my seventeen years would never be enough to get me into Heaven. Heaven is where those I loved are waiting on me, waiting for an arrival that will never come. If I could only step through those pearly gates for one day, I would once again see my mother's warm, loving smile that made her green eyes sparkle and feel my father's strong arm wrapped around my shoulder, telling me how proud he is of me.**_

_**Instead, here I am a mere observer of the mortal world that surrounds me. It is a world I will never again be a part of.**_

_** EC**_

Suddenly a revelation hit me in the midst of my sulking. I knew where Victoria was headed, if she wasn't already there. She would go to Phoenix, where I killed her mate. For all she knew, that is where Bella was, back safely at home with her mother.

I quickly tossed my belongings into my backpack and checked out of the hotel with a renewed sense of determination and resolve. I would catch her soon and my life could return to normal. Whatever _normal_ was with the absence of Bella.

When I arrived in Phoenix, I left the Vanquish in long-term parking at the airport, along with my laptop. I only took the bare necessities with me in the backpack. From here on out the journey would be one I would make on foot and one in which I would utilize my natural senses instead of depending on technology.

I found myself standing just outside of the glare of a streetlight, looking at the one place that reminded me of home, of Bella, her childhood home.

Of course a new family had moved in since Renee and Phil had moved on to Jacksonville, but I knew this was where I needed to be.

I sat a few hundred yards away from the house, amongst the cacti that surrounded the homes, waiting for the humans to go to sleep.

When the lights went out in the house, I snuck in and made my way to the attic crawl space. It was evident no one had made their way to this part of the house in several years.

There was a child's ballet tutu hanging in a see through bag on a nail in the rafters. I could imagine it was Bella's when she was a little girl, practicing her Plié for a Christmas recital.

And in a corner of the attic space there was a piece of plywood across the floor joists, serving as a temporary floor. In the very corner of the board was a teddy bear. It sat there, with its arms open, as if it were searching for the arms of the little girl who had once loved it so much it required patches in the spots that had become thread barren.

I lay down on the board and held the bear to my chest, breathing in the scent that was still attached to it. While there was the permeating smell of mildew, I could also smell Bella's scent. I had almost forgotten the painful pleasure that her scent brought to me, as my lungs once again burned from breathing her in.

For two days I sat in utter silence and stillness in the attic, determined not to bring attention to my presence. Instead I focused on Victoria, trying to get into her mind and predict what she might do.

During the day I listened to the children playing in the house beneath me and imagined Bella as a child and all the stories she told me of her early years.

In the hours just before dusk, I would read from the journal I had brought with me or write new entries in the newest leather bound book.

At night I listened to the television blare through the rafters. Most of the time it was cartoons, but I would pay close attention when the adults turned on the news, hoping I would hear a story that would tell me I was on the right track.

The night of January 3rd I heard the news report I was waiting for and quietly scurried out through a small attic window to find a newspaper from that day.

**The Phoenix Sun**

**January 3, 2006**

**Odd Death Scene Finds Three Dead, One Missing in Desert**

**by: Matthew O'Shaughnessey**

**(Phoenix) Maricopa County death investigators are puzzled by a triple-homicide overnight near Adobe Dam. There was also evidence at the crime scene which led investigators to believe a fourth victim is missing. **

**  
Police reports showed that officers were summoned to a deserted area near Adobe Dam around 2 a.m. by an anonymous phone call. Three bodies have been transported to the Maricopa County Coroner's Office with multiple wounds, including broken bones, heavy burn-related injuries and deep lacerations.**

**Names of the victims have not released, awaiting notification of their next-of-kin. Police have not discovered the identity of the missing individual and hope further evidence will help them locate that person.**

**"It's still early, but, for now, we suspect the involvement of gangs," Maricopa County Sheriff's spokesman Larry Ferguson said. "All three of these victims were beaten beyond belief. Only a gang could be blamed for such a heinous act."**

**Ferguson added that gang-related murders have taken a steady decline in the Phoenix area over the past five years. Ferguson also said that there were very few clues offering help to be found at the murder scene. **

I made my way to the murder scene before the sun rose and Victoria's scent hung in the air, but not heavily. Something was different this time. There was another scent and it wasn't human. The scent was stronger than Victoria's.

In a fraction of a second I realized it was the scent of a newborn vampire. Victoria had created an accomplice, or mate. With a newborn in the mix I knew I needed to find and destroy them both as soon as possible. A newborn on the loose was not reassuring to me. I had enough difficulty keeping track of one vampire, how would I ever track two?

The one up-side to the newborn was the scent was incredibly strong, a strong sweet smell mixed with the floral human scent that still lingered in the blood stream. It would make tracking them easier, if they stayed together.

I hid in the trees that surrounded the dam, watching the activity of people visiting the area, seemingly unaware of the brutality that had taken place only hours earlier.

I closed my eyes and envisioned my hunt for Victoria and the newborn. I imagined different scenarios and what the likely direction of their travel would be.

In my trance, I would smell them, at least in my mind, more strongly in one place than another. I let myself run different directions in my mind, trying to surmise which was the right path to follow.

When I ran northeast, towards Colorado it felt right and the smell was also stronger to me there. Perhaps I was learning how to hunt. Maybe I was finally acquiring the necessary skills to be a good tracker.

By the time I decided on my direction of travel the sun had set and the visitors to the dam had made their way to the safety of their homes.

I jumped from the tree with the back-pack and headed for the Four Corners area, hoping my instincts were right and I would find Victoria and her newest creation.

When I reached the area near Pueblo Bonito I felt drawn in to the ancient ruins of the Pueblo Indians, mysteriously abandoned so long ago.

It wasn't the scent of Victoria or the newborn that drew me in. In fact, their scent was very faint, miles and miles away. But I was pulled to the site by something else, something tugging at me emotionally.

I found myself standing inside what remained of one of the larger Kivas at the site. I don't recall how I got there and didn't know why I felt compelled to stay but something was holding me there, weighing me down like concrete shoes.

Suddenly visions of my human life flashed through my brain and I could see my mother and father and myself, having dinner together just before my father fell ill.

"_Edward, have you given any further thought as to what you want to do with your life after graduation?" my father asked me as he raised a fork full of mashed potatoes to his lips._

_I smiled weakly in appeasement. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to join the military and right the wrongs in the world on the battlefields of Europe. My father wanted me to right the wrongs of society in a three-piece suit in a stuffy courtroom._

"_Some," I answered, diverting my eyes from making contact with my mother. She could have cared less if I became a lawyer or a taxi cab driver. The only thing she did NOT want was for me to become a military man. _

_She feared for my life and reminded me of that fact on a regular basis. She wanted me to take advantage of the privileges allotted to us because of my father's occupation. I was her only son and we had always been close to one another. However, as I grew and tried to spread my wings and assert my independence and establish myself as a man in my own right she held on tighter, afraid of where my wings would take me._

"_This is your last year of high school Edward," my mother sighed. "I think we should take a special trip somewhere together, as a family. Is there anywhere you would like to go?"_

_Her voice filled with excitement. She always tried to distract me from my dreams of battle with the dreams she wished I had, of lazy days on the beach, with the water lapping at our toes or camping in the mountains, with the sound of crickets to lull me to sleep._

_I loved my mother dearly and wanted to make her happy. My desire to carry a rifle to defend my country did not wipe away my desire to make my mother proud of me as a man._

_I did think about how my mother felt before I made nearly every decision I had ever made. She was the most kind, compassionate, loving woman I had ever known in my 17 years and she loved everyone with all of her heart. She hated no one and reached out to everyone._

_I was certain she would never understand my desire to serve my country came directly from her. My father was a wonderful person as well and defended the rights of those whose rights were compromised, but everything my mother did came naturally from deep within her heart. I wanted to ensure there would always be a world in which her love and compassion could exist without fear and punishment. I thought of the young men my age in Europe and their mothers. How could I sit here, in the safety and comfort of my middle class existence while they starved and suffered to ensure those same things for their mothers? I thought of my mother and how she would worry, without word of my location or condition for months on end and that was a pain I did not want to inflict on her, but it surely seemed the lesser of two evils._

"_Perhaps we could take a trip to New York City and visit the museums," I suggested. Her eyes lit up and she sat upright in her seat, placing her fork gently onto her plate with a quiet clink as she smiled at me. My mother's greatest pleasure was art. In her spare time she painted and did charcoal drawings and spent hours upon hours at the Art Institute of Chicago. She and I would go there on weekends when I was younger and share a picnic lunch on the grounds of the museum in the middle of the day._

"_Oh Edward, that would make me so happy," she gushed. She then turned to my father in her excitement. "Can we go? Perhaps for Christmas?"_

"_I think Christmas in New York City would be a great way to celebrate this time in Edward's life."_

We never made that trip to New York City. Within a month my father had fallen ill with the Spanish Influenza, succumbing to its ravaging fever. At the same time my mother and I became ill, struggling for our lives at St. Ann's Hospital. My mother died before I could tell her I loved her one last time, but she looked after me until the very end, knowingly or unknowingly sending Carlisle to my bedside, ending a life that would have been over within hours and creating an entire new existence, one with a dark side I could never have imagined.

Suddenly I was back in the moment. I was standing in the Kiva with the sun beating down on my skin, reflecting rays of light onto the ruins that surrounded me. The wind blew gently through my hair, deliberately, as if it were carrying a message to me in the breeze.

"_My darling Edward," my mother's voice spoke from somewhere in the wind. "I do not want to see you in so much pain. I love you, my darling son. I want you to know that you do have a heart and it is pure and good. One day you will join me and your father in a place filled with love and hope. What you are doing is brave and chivalrous, but not necessary. I know you love this Bella. I see it. I hear it. I feel it. Your love for her is what I always hoped for you. Follow your heart and hopefully it will lead you back to her. She needs you with her and you need her just as much. Your destination is wherever your Bella waits for you and she DOES wait. Do not get lost on your journey and forget where you are meant to be."_

Abruptly the wind ceased and there was stillness in the air. I no longer heard my mother's voice or recalled memories of my human existence.

I stood there, faced with my past and future, but trapped in my present. Then I saw her face, as though she were there with me.

It was Bella. She stood so close yet just outside my grasp.

"_I love you Edward. I forgive you for leaving me. I still don't understand why you left me here all alone, but I want you to come back to me, to climb into my window and crawl into my bed. I want it to be like it was in the meadow, when we just looked into each others eyes and your world of fantasy and magic merged with my boring reality. You are good for me Edward. I need you more than you could ever know. Please, please return to me."_

I shook my head and covered my ears with my hands. What was going on? What was this place doing this to me? I was hearing voices and seeing people who were no longer in my life. Surely it was some kind of continued punishment for the life I had been sentenced to lead.

And then the other woman who knew me and understood me and loved me as I did her, whispered in the wind.

"_Edward, you can't catch Victoria. Not yet. Come home to us. I am so worried about you. I can't see clearly what is happening and it scares me. I think it means you need to stop. There are other ways to protect Bella. You can always go back to her."_

It was Alice. Was it my imagination or was it real? I was beginning to think my irregular diet and obsession with the hunt for Victoria had driven me insane. Was that possible? It was probable. I was all alone, with no answers. My heart and mind were at war with one another and I had no idea which would end up victorious.

I composed myself and leapt up out of the Kiva and ran quickly to the outskirts of the ruins. The moment my foot was outside the invisible line that encircled the ancient ruins, the winds changed.

Now the wind was a fierce scream, without any voices to torture me. The wind battered me from every side, as though it were forcing me further away. I waited to hear any more voices, but nothing spoke to me.

I stood against the wind and closed my eyes. I said a silent thank you to the "ancient ones" whose mysterious abandoned grounds allowed those voices to be heard.

~*~

Over the next two weeks I continued to follow their scents through New Mexico and into Texas. There were more murders I attributed to Victoria and her liege. They were violent deaths and the frenzy of the Newborn's thirst was evident by the damage to the area at the scene of the crimes. Victoria was smarter and more cunning now. She was hiding the bodies. I knew it was more about messing with my head than hiding the crime from the police.

It was nearing the middle of February and spring would arrive soon. It was hard to believe I had spent the entire winter hunting this nomad without being able to destroy her.

After hearing my mother, Bella and Alice I only wanted to return home – to Forks. Ithaca was where we lived, but Forks was home and I longed to be there more than anything I had ever wanted.

I wanted to once again pull into the school parking lot and see Bella's ancient truck rumble up to the school and see her climb out and turn to me with a smile that longed for things I could not give her.

I needed her more than I could ever tell her, or acknowledge to anyone. This journey had proven to me that I was a shell of a man without her. I needed her to complete me. She brought out my good side and allowed me to love. Here there was only hate and fear – fear for her safety and the safety of all the humans that would fall on Victoria's way to destroy my one true love.

On Feb. 12 I found a day's old paper referring to the horrific murders Victoria and the newborn had committed.

**Mass murder remains a mystery**

**Feb. 8, 2006**

**By Strother Hall**

**Houston Chronicle**

**HOUSTON – Just past the last of the mangled bodies, Houston Police Capt. Josh Underwood stood facing the sun, his back to the carnage he'd just as soon forget. **

"**A bloody mess," he said, his voice growing tight and low, almost a growl. "That's what this is. A gosh-darned bloody mess."**

**Almost 30 years of law enforcement work, did little to prepare Underwood – or anyone – for what happened here along San Jacionto Street sometime after 1 a.m. Friday. Investigators are still sifting through the 14 bodies, their limbs scratched and bruised, their clothing shredded, trying desperately to find a clue as to who is responsible for one of the bloodiest mass murders in recent Texas history.**

**For Underwood, though, "who" isn't the key issue.**

"**Look at them, that mess," he said. "The way their necks are torn wide open. That's not human. Not the work of a human, least not one in his right mind, no sir.**

"**That, I tell you, is the work of animal."**

**Police officially report they have no leads on this gruesome crime, but sources close to the investigation say they consider this the work of a group of people, perhaps a small gang undergoing initiation rites.**

"**Would I rule out a gang?" Underwood asked. "No, can't say that I would. At this point, though, I have to be honest – I'm not ruling out anything."**

**Officials throughout the city remain tight-lipped about the crime and the investigation, citing concerns of copycat crimes. Underwood shook his head and laughed when told of the city's stance.**

"**There won't be any copycat crimes, not far as I can tell," he said. "Houston just don't got enough sickos to copy this kind of crime. No, one's more than enough for this city. Hell, for this world."**

**Underwood described the scene as "brutal."**

**Reports indicate some bodies were missing organs, while others seemed all but untouched, save for wounds on and around the neck.**

"**There's no clear pattern," Underwood said. "It's the work of a mad man. Or mad men, maybe. One, two, three people – it makes no difference. They're all crazy, no matter what."**

**Neighbors have started taking extra precautions, including imposing an unofficial curfew.**

"**I sure don't want my kids going out there past 10 p.m.," said Anna Russell, a mother of two teenage daughters. "I don't know what kind of creeps are lurking out there, but I'm not taking any chances."**

**Police have also promised to increase patrols in the area.**

"**Anything we can do right now to ease these people's minds, well, it's the least we can do," Underwood said. "God knows that right now, they need as much peace as they can get."**

The frenzy was out of control and if I did not find Victoria and the newborn soon, and destroy them, I feared the Volturi would arrive to clean up the mess themselves. If that happened I, and my family could be punished as well. After all, it was because of our actions that Victoria had taken on this careless murderous rampage.

Suddenly it occurred to me that if the Volturi arrived to return things to a normal state they would learn of Bella, and the fact that she knew what we were. That is one of the greatest rules the of Volturi and I had broken it by telling Bella we were vampires. Again, I had put her in danger.

I would make one last final effort to eliminate Victoria and the newborn. If I was unsuccessful this last time I would return to Forks, to Bella. I would protect her there. If I went to Forks, I knew without a doubt, Victoria would follow me there then it would be on my terms and I could finally destroy the greatest threat to my life.

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**A/N: Sorry for the long wait on this chapter. I had the privilege to visit our 'Meca', Forks, Washington with some of my incredible Twi-Sisters. I had a wonderful time and can't wait to go back. Please leave me some love & review. I missed you all while I was away & can't wait to hear from you.**

**Here is the website that describes the Kivas where Edward finds himself in this chapter: ****http://thssite(dot)tripod(dot)com/shel1/kiva(dot)html_ (just remove the (dot) and add a real dot)_**


	10. PHONE CALL

**Disclaimer: The beautiful & talented Stehenie Meyer owns these characters; I just want to tell Edward's side of it**.

**HUGE shout-out: ForksPixie is my beta & translator for all the beautiful Spanish in this chapter**. **Thank you, Gracias & I love you more!**

**Also, thank you to DreamsOfEdward for taking the time to read & giving me her point of you. **

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10. PHONE CALL

_**February 14, 2006**_

_**I have been wandering aimlessly around Houston for days. No sight of Victoria or the newborn. I question my purpose more than ever. Is it time to give up on the hunt and head back to Bella? Or is it too late?**_

_**Here I am sitting in Hermann Park, watching couples walk hand in hand around the reflecting pool, laying on picnic blankets in the grass and staring at the stars with their arms wrapped around each other.**_

_**I spent nearly 100 agonizing Valentine's Days, watching the love and devotion of my parents and my siblings, only to witness it from an outsider's perspective, never knowing that deep, committed love.**_

_**Finally, I met the girl I wanted to be with for her forever and here I sit, alone and desperate on a day I preferred to spend looking into the dark pools of her eyes, running my fingers through her thick hair and holding her as she falls asleep in my arms, safe in her bed.**_

_**Is someone else holding her and comforting her? Has she already gotten over me? I left her so she could be happy and have a normal life and find a love that was better for her. But I can not imagine her with anyone else.**_

_**In all honesty, I hope she is alone, longing for me. I can picture her raising her window for me each night, in hopes I would return. I can see her sleeping, reaching her hand out for me, only to find emptiness.**_

_**I don't want Bella to suffer, but I want her to want me, to miss me, to forgive me. I am ready to leave Houston, to turn back towards home, towards Forks.**_

_**I secretly hope nothing has changed in the months since I left her in the forest, but I know, deep down everything has changed. There is no going back emotionally even if I went back physically.**_

_**I want her so badly, with all of my being and I long to breathe in her scent, all the while knowing I don't deserve her. I never did.**_

_**I knew back in New York my family would be celebrating this holiday. It was the biggest one in our house. Alice decorated everything, as usual. But there would be gifts and cards and dancing and kisses. It was just as painful to be here, sitting alone, watching all the lovers here as it would be to be sitting at home, watching my family enjoying the holiday while I pined for my darling Bella.**_

_**Chaucer is brought to mind. In 1382 Chaucer penned Parliament of Foules in which he wrote "For this was Saint Valentine's Day, when every bird cometh there to choose his mate." I chose my mate and flew away from her before I knew if we could have the kind of love King Richard II of England and Anne of Bohemia had; the kind of love that inspired one of the greatest literary figures ever to tell of their young love.**_

_**I wanted an epic love, like Romeo's love for Juliet, without the tragic ending. We were Romeo and Juliet. Instead of Capulets and Montagues, we were vampires and humans. Realistically we could never co-exist, but I was a mystical creature, one only realized by most in fantasy. I could have my happy ending. But then again, so could Bella and in my heart, I know her happy ending would not be with me. She deserved more.**_

_**EC**_

I closed the journal and tied the strings that held it closed together. I reached to the backpack next to me on the bench and slipped the book inside. Just then I caught the reflection of fire in the reflecting pool. The fire came from behind me. At that exact moment I smelled her, and him, and knew I was at a pivotal point in my journey. Did I continue with the hunt, hopefully finishing the two off here In Houston, or did I return to Bella.

Darkness had begun to fall and twilight was upon us. It was still too bright outside to make any sudden moves.

I quickly stood, tossing the back pack across my shoulder. I was feet from Victoria, who stood under a shade tree with the newborn just behind her. He was hungry, and nervous, and anxious to attack.

"Victoria," I growled.

A smile formed on her lips and she placed her hands confidently on her hips. The newborn smiled, pleased with his affiliation with the red headed nomad.

"Were you looking for me, Edward?" she asked sarcastically.

"I don't have to look for you Victoria, I can smell you."

"Well we just wanted to drop by and say hello," She smirked at me. "I saw you sitting on the bench and you looked a bit forlorn. Are you missing your human?"

I became angry, knowing Victoria seemed to always be one step ahead of me. Why didn't she just finish me off? I knew the answer. I wasn't the one she wanted. She wanted Bella and she wanted me to live to feel the pain and suffering of losing the love of my life.

She turned and ran, quickly darting in and out of the trees with her newborn in tow. I hurried to follow, but was never able to keep up with her. I merely followed her scent and the trail of blood she inevitably left behind.

I found myself in Mexico City, the crowds were overwhelming. I hadn't hunted regularly enough and the desire for human blood was becoming hard to resist. I forced myself to focus on Victoria and ignore the thirst.

As I turned a corner near one of the many outdoor markets, I caught her scent, but not the one of the newborn.

I pushed through the crowd and followed the scent, growing stronger with each step I took.

Finally, I saw an elderly Native woman selling ponchos on the side of the road. No sign of Victoria, but that is where the scent was taking me.

I tapped her on the shoulder and she turned to look up at me, with a smile as though she knew me.

"Señora, Que bellos sus panchos." I said, returning her smile. I touched the turquoise and red one that seemed to carry the strongest scent. I quickly raised it to my face and took a deep breath in. Her scent assaulted me. It was a scent that made me sick to my stomach because I knew the evil that went with it. There were no good redeeming qualities with her. Victoria was a killer and that is all she existed for. Every second I wasn't near her, she had the opportunity to cut another life short.

The old lady noticed the interest I took in the poncho and gently touched my arm. She did not seem to be affected by the coldness of my skin through my shirt, or the steeliness of my arms.

"No creo que sea un poncho lo que buscas," she smiled, pulling the poncho I was breathing in away from me, rubbing it with her hand, smoothing it out.

"¿No?" I asked in confusion.

"Creo que lo que buscas es una mujer," she gave me a knowing smirk. She knew I was searching for a woman.

"Así es, ¿La has visto?, She was right, I was searching for a woman, I needed to know if she had seen her.

"Sí, la he visto," she whispered as she moved closer to me. "Ella esta muy lejos de aquí, creo que estas perdido."

I was confused at her saying that she had seen her, and that I was lost, that the women I was seeking was far from here. How could I be wrong? I smelled her on the poncho. I know she had been here. I may not be a good tracker, but I knew her scent when I was upon it and I was certain she had been here.

I needed to know how lost I was, "¿Exactamente que perdido estoy?"

"Creo que usted sabe que perdido estás," she said cryptically. "Llevas mucho tiempo perdido. Confíe en sus instintos en lugar de combatirlos y encontrarás lo que estas buscando."

I paused in stunned silence, trying to take in everything she had said to me. How could I know how lost I was and how was I to stop fighting my instincts to find what I was looking for. None of it made sense, although I was certain she thought it should. Her thoughts made no sense either, she was only thinking of the ponchos she was selling.

"¿Dónde la busco?" I begged her to tell me where to find her.

"Mira dentro de tu alma," she said. "No puedo decirle lo que ya sabes."

Look in my soul? She couldn't tell me what I already knew? I had no soul. Clearly the old woman was mad. I needed to thank her and be on my way.

"Gracias Señora," I said, handing her $100 for her time.

I wandered the streets of Mexico City, confused by the information I had been given, angry at myself for not knowing what she was taking about.

Everywhere I walked I still got whiffs of Victoria's scent, but not of the newborn. I hadn't smelled the newborn since we crossed over the Mexican border.

I was confused. It was clear Victoria was up to something, trying to lose me or distract me. Why? I wasn't sure. It seemed she appreciated the challenge I was posing to her.

I spent days wandering, spending my days in run down shanties and old abandoned homes. What the old woman said wasn't making any sense to me and I was trying so hard to make sense of it all.

_**February 21, 2006**_

_**My dearest Bella, I miss you so much I can feel an ache where no ache should be. I need to hold you, to kiss you, to love you.**_

_**Every day I am away from you, I realize it was an even bigger mistake. I never should have left you. I still see you standing there in the forest, surrounded by the massive trees and moss hanging from them. How could I have left you there? All alone? **_

_**I watched as you were brought from the forest. Although I left you, I could not leave without knowing you were safe, safe in your father's arms. **_

_**But now I want to hold you in my arms. I want to erase the past five months. The only power I want, at this moment, is to make you forget what I did to you. I never wanted to forget because I needed to make sure I would never bring any danger to you again.**_

_**Do you remember how I loved you? Do you remember the meadow? I remember being so fearful of stepping out into the sunlight, showing you who I really was.**_

_**But you looked at me with love and compassion, feelings I never deserved, but long to feel again. I never, ever deserved you, but I want you nonetheless. I am selfish and want nothing more than for you to look at me with love once again, begging me to change you. At this moment, I might just do it. I am a broken man. If I could just see you and hold you I would give you the world, give you eternity.**_

_**How torturous? I am here to protect you, but I want to be there to protect you. The irony is, no matter where I am, I hurt you.**_

_**I should be stronger, more resigned to continuing with my mission at hand, but my need for you is stronger. I am pulled towards you. I wish you were here, to tell me whether you have forgiven me, whether you still love me or whether you have moved on and learned to love someone else.**_

_**You have been the only woman I have ever loved and even if I never see you, touch you, or smell you again, you will always be the only woman I could ever love.**_

_**Something will change and it will change soon. I have to destroy Victoria in order to protect you, so I have something to come home to, but I can't stand this distance from you any longer, the pain. I am nothing without you.**_

_** EC**_

As I finished writing my journal entry I heard street musicians approaching, beating on their drums and blowing their trumpets. It was a celebratory sound, yet primal and sexual. The music reached inside me and touched me, drawing me in.

I looked in the direction of the music and saw scantily clad women in colorful costumes moving to the beat, their hips shaking and arms swirling in the air.

As they moved down the street, closer to me, I looked across the street and saw the old woman who sold the ponchos. She was looking intently at me with a knowing smile forming across her lips. She looked at the dancers and back at me and nodded her head.

As I turned to look at the dancers, trying to figure what she was trying to tell me, I again caught a scent. This time the scent was mixed. It was a combination of Bella and Victoria and the sensation frightened me. What could that mean?

I quickly turned to look at the native woman and she was gone. She knew something I did not and was trying to tell me, but I was unable to pick up on her meaning.

A woman in a red sequined bikini styled outfit with a large red feather plume atop her head danced towards me. She stopped just in front of me and shook her hips back and forth to the intense rhythm of the music. She reached forward and touched my hair gently with her fingers, smiled and turned to rejoin her parade.

As the music wafted away in the distance my mind cleared and suddenly I realized what everything was telling me.

I was lost, the old woman had said. I knew then, Mexico had just been a detour for Victoria. All the clues pointed me to Rio. It was Carnival and Victoria would undoubtedly be there. There would be plenty of tourists to feed on. Their disappearances would never matter. The crowds would make the hunt a little more difficult, but it would also make it harder for her to escape.

I grabbed the back pack and ran to the airport. I was headed for Rio de Janeiro and this would be the end of my journey, one way or the other. If I didn't destroy Victoria there, then I would return to Bella. I could no longer continue on with this nomadic existence, with no success. I was not meant to live this way. I needed a home and I needed to be surrounded with love, the love of my family and hopefully, the love of my human.

When I arrived in Brazil it was packed with people. The temptation to feed on human blood was great, but I chose to maintain my vegetarian diet, although it was more difficult. I spent two days hunting. I was weak, mind and body. I needed to be sharp. I was following this one through. I would hunt Victoria, day and night.

I headed into the Serra das Mantiqueiras to hunt for sustenance. This was a beautiful area to visit, with stunning waterfalls and exotic fauna and flora that hung in the air.

I had hopes of bagging a jaguar, knowing that would hold me over for quite some time. However, after hiding in the trees for two days I hadn't seen one of the stealthy black cats.

Instead, I saw plenty of Capybaras and decided to feed on two of them. It seemed appropriate that I found myself here in one of the most endangered places on earth, settling on the largest rodent in the world for dinner. I used to hunt mountain lions and loved the challenge of taking down the fierce cat. Now I was filling myself with rodent blood. It certainly seemed appropriate for the blood of a bottom dweller to be flowing through me. No matter how physically strong I was; I was nothing. I was a bottom dweller in my world.

When I returned to the city, Carnival was in full swing. I made it back just in time for the big parade on the 26th of February.

There were vibrant colors everywhere, covering floats, cars and barely covering bodies. There were half naked women, dancing down the streets with their bodies vibrating to the beat of the drums.

A tall Brazilian woman darted from her place in the parade route to me. She had a magnificent yellow sequined mask that covered her face, only the bright red lipstick that stained her lips exposed. Then I noticed she was wearing only a sequined thong that matched her mask. Her breasts bounced up and down as she wrapped her arm around my waist, pulling me towards her.

Emmett would have loved this moment even though he adored my sister. The beauty of the woman that stood before me would never escape him. However, to me, she was one more person that stood in the way of me getting back to Forks. I knew then that I was in the right frame of mind to finally take Victoria down. The music no longer moved me, the woman held no interest for me. Even though I had never loved anyone other than Bella, I certainly had always appreciated the more beautiful things in this world and the Brazilian that gyrated against me would have been one of those things.

I put my hand on her hip and turned her back towards the parade route. She enveloped the spirit of Carnival and had so much to offer those that were there to enjoy the festivities.

I hurriedly moved a few blocks away from the main parade route where there were only small crowds of drunken revelers stumbling down the streets. They didn't notice me as I hid in the shadows, trying to find somewhere to blend in.

I looked up and saw a vacancy sign on a three story run down boarding house and made my way there.

The man at the desk took a wad of cash from me and handed me a key with Room 8 on the tag attached to it and motioned towards the narrow stairwell.

I climbed the stairs to the second floor and walked to the end of the dirty hall. I found my room, next to a window jammed open with a metal rod, with aged curtains, yellowed by time blowing in the wind.

I inserted the key into the lock and turned the door knob. The smell from the room that assaulted me when the door swung open was a mixture of mildew, urine and animals.

I dropped the backpack onto a rickety wooden chair that looked out a tiny window in the room. I reached to open it and noticed it had been nailed closed. Any other time I might have cared. I might have removed the nails to open the window and stir the air, but I didn't care. I was beyond caring. I think I quit caring about me long ago and certainly not once since I left Las Vegas.

I sat on the edge of the bed and a puff of dirt rose in the air around me.

I sat there for days, never moving. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't smell Victoria or even sense her presence and news of any murders that had occurred since I arrived were easily attributable to humans.

***~***

_**March 15, 2006**_

_**I have been gone from you too long darling Bella. I am emotionally and physically a shell of whom I once was. I may wither into nothingness.**_

_**For hurting you, for leaving you, I deserve nothing short of a slow, torturous death. However, death does not come to my kind easily. I would have to seek it out and again, I lack the initiative to do even that.**_

_**Returning to you seems the only thing left to do for me. I will most likely return to find that you have moved on and given your heart to someone far more worthy of it than me, perhaps Mike Newton.**_

_**I want you to forgive. I want you to love. I want you to simply want me. If only I knew that you needed me even half as much as I needed you, I would be in your room, lying next to you in your bed within days.**_

_**I fear what I might discover if I returned to you now. I only wanted your happiness. I never wanted you to miss me or long for me or long for my return. I only wanted what I deserved, for you to hate me, to regret the day you ever went with me to our meadow, when we finally became one with each other.**_

_**How could I possibly want two very different things? Bella, if only I could hear your voice, if only I knew I was what you needed.**_

_**Regardless, I think I have come to the conclusion that I will return to Forks, to you – my home, my safe haven. You always loved me, despite whom and what I was. I never understood it or deserved it, but I long for it and for you desperately.**_

_** EC**_

I laid in the bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to the honking horns and vulgarities being screamed in Portuguese in the tenement housing that surrounded my hiding place.

Through the stifling heat and dark recesses of my room I could hear my phone vibrating. It had been going off for hours. I tried to drown it out, to close my eyes and focus on seeing Bella, smiling and happy to see me. I envisioned her with her window open, smiling out into the darkness, welcoming me back to the warmth of her bed and her body.

But the phone buzzed incessantly, constantly shocking me back into my reality. The reality that I was in a country far, far away from Bella and knowing now that Victoria most likely never came here. I misinterpreted the messages and the signs. But the old woman seemed to understand something I didn't. She knew I was lost. What had she meant?

Finally, I heard the phone hit the floor. It had vibrated so violently, it finally fell from the old table in the corner. Perhaps it had been successful in committing its own form of suicide and I would not have to hear it again.

Alice didn't need to call me. She could see me if she really wanted to and she could see I would return soon.

So imagine my shock and disdain when the phone vibrated again, across the floor. I knew I had to answer the damned thing or it would never stop.

I flipped it open and registered Rosalie's name on the display at the same time I yelled into the mouthpiece, "What?! What is so damned important you cannot wait for me to call you?"

There was a prolonged silence on the other end and just a hint of a giggle, though it seemed tinged with a side of guilt.

"Well, answer me Rosalie. I have better things to do than listen to you bitch about how my time away has adversely affected your way of life."

"You are wrong Edward," she said in a soft voice. "I am not calling your for any reason other than to tell you that you can finally return home. There is nothing left for you to do."

I was confused. Nothing for me to do? What was she talking about? If Alice saw me returning, why didn't she just call me herself as opposed to sending a messenger in the form of Rosalie?

"What on earth are you talking about Rosalie? Spit it out. I have better things to do."

"Like what?" she chuckled. "To chase rogue vampires across the equator?"

I was growing angrier and angrier by the moment. I was angry with her tone. I was angry she had called and mostly, I was angry that she was right. I didn't have anything better to do. The only way I could truly protect Bella was to return to Forks and hope she would let me back into her life.

I had enough of her and her tone. I flipped the phone shut and tossed it onto the bed as I stood, looking out the window, hoping there would be something telling me I should stay, that I was close to Victoria. If I didn't see that sign soon, I would be on a plane, returning to Forks where…

Damned phone began to vibrate again. I grabbed it and flipped it open with so much anger I am surprised it didn't break from the gesture itself.

"What. Do. You. Want. Rosalie?" I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming at her. I could feel the venom begin to flood in my mouth.

"I just thought you might like to know little sister is in Forks," she snickered.

I was stunned. Did she mean Alice? Why would Alice do such a thing? She made a promise to me…unless she saw that I was going to return and she decided to beat me there, to soften Bella up.

"Why would she do something like that, against my wishes? And when did she go there?"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. I wanted to strangle both of my sisters – Alice for breaking her promise to me and Rosalie, for gloating in the fact Alice had done just that.

"She didn't break your rules Edward," Rosalie said. "You told us to stay away from Bella, not Forks."

What? What exactly did that mean? How could Alice return to Forks without breaking my rules? Forks = Bella.

I didn't answer Rosalie. I was turning over so many scenarios in my mind that would explain her returning, without violating our agreement.

"Edward," Rosalie raised her voice. "Alice never broke your rule."

"Stop it with the games Rosalie; you said she returned to Forks, but not Bella. How is that possible?" I gasped as I had a sudden revelation. "She moved to Florida? She moved on without me?"

Rosalie laughed again, except it sounded like nervous laughter. "I never said she moved, Edward."

"Damn it, Rosalie. I am sick and tired of playing this guessing game with you. Just spit it out. Tell me why Alice is in Forks."

After a short pause, Rosalie muttered words I had not anticipated hearing for a very long time. "Bella's dead."

Dead? Did she mean Alice had returned to Forks and changed Bella? Certainly Alice would never make such a stupid, rash decision without consulting me first.

I spoke in clear, concise words, pausing between each one, as if I could give myself clarity. "What…do…you…mean…by…dead?"

"Bella…threw herself off a cliff two days ago. Alice saw it, but it was too late to do anything. I think she would have helped, though, broken her word, if there had been time. She went back to do what she could for Charlie. You know how she's always cared for him—"

I dropped to my knees, snapping the phone shut at the same time.

I had never imagined Bella dying before Charlie, before Renee, before everyone. Now I had nothing to return to. It didn't matter if I ever killed Victoria. Bella was no longer in danger of her. I had hoped Bella had moved on and found happiness, but it seemed very clear that just the opposite had occurred. She faltered and losing me had driven her to take her own life.

There was nothing left to do. No home to return to and I could never face my family again, knowing I had been responsible for Bella's death as if I had drained the blood from her body myself.

I reached to the floor, where the phone had fallen and dialed the only number I knew at the moment, to hear the only voice I wanted to hear. I needed to hear Bella. I needed her to tell me Rosalie was playing a cruel joke on me, trying to get me to return home. I needed to hear her say, "Edward, I am alive."

"Swan residence," answered a voice I'd never heard before. A man's husky voice, deep, but still youthful. Perhaps a new man in Bella's life. That had to mean Bella was still alive. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but it gave me hope.

"This is Dr. Carlisle Cullen," I said, perfectly imitating my father's voice. "May I please speak to Charlie?"

"He's not here," the voice responded, and I was dimly surprised by the anger in it. The words were almost a snarl. But that didn't matter.

"Well, where is he then?" I demanded, getting impatient.

There was a short pause, as if the stranger wanted to withhold the information from me.

"He's at the funeral," the boy finally answered.

I shut the phone again. I was completely and utterly devastated. Rosalie hadn't lied to me. Bella was, in fact, dead. I had brought heartache and pain to her, and now to her friends and family. I no longer deserved to walk another day on this lonely planet. She was in Heaven and I deserved my rightful place in Hell.

I grabbed the back-pack and the phone and charged out of the bedroom, heading towards the airport, towards my own judgment day.

The phone vibrated again, reminding me it was still with me. I didn't need to hear it again. I couldn't face my family and Esme's pleas to come home to her and Carlisle. I was not worthy of anyone's love and compassion. I saw a trash can at entrance to the airport and tossed the phone into it.

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**A/N: So? What did you think? Leave me your thoughts, reviews inspire me. **


	11. DEATH

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**A/N: This chapter has conversations in Italian. You will find the translations in the Author's Notes at the end. Enjoy!**

**Many thanks to my Beta ForksPixie**

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Chapter 11 DEATH

As the airplane dropped below the cloud bank I took in the beauty of the Italian countryside as the sun sank behind the Cypress trees, casting a reflection off of the tiled roofs. Was it possible there was a more beautiful place in the world to die than this place at this time?

When I departed Rio for Volterra I knew what the end game was. I didn't want to live in a world where Bella didn't exist. I couldn't kill myself and I know none of my family would facilitate my demise. The only choice I had was Volterra and the Volturi. I may not be able to take my life, but I certainly knew how to provoke those that could do it for me.

When the plane landed in Florence I felt a sense of relief, quiet determination if you will. I knew what I was here for and I knew I would finally be successful at something. One way or the other I knew my time on Earth would soon be coming to an end. I would not be able to hurt anyone else as I had hurt Bella, driving her to take her own life. I would no longer hurt my family, who stood by me when I never deserved such dedication.

Everyone I had ever loved was now either in Heaven or roaming the earth with no end in sight. My end was in sight and I was relieved. It didn't matter where Victoria was or what she was doing. She was no longer a threat to Bella and had been my sole purpose in seeking to destroy her. Now I could focus on my own destruction.

It was only 72 km from Florence to Volterra, so I made my way on foot through the dark Italian countryside. I had visited Italy before in my studies abroad during one of my stints at New York University. I had visited Venice, Rome and Florence, studying Donatello, Michelangelo, da Vinci and Bellini. They were the great ones, leaving their mark on the world for centuries down the road. When they were gone people erected statues and buildings in their honor. When I was gone, no one would remember me. No one would weep for me. Perhaps, when I was human I could have been something – perhaps a famous war general. But I was nothing. I had done nothing. I had left nothing.

It was quiet in Volterra as I entered the city through the Porta Fiorentina. As I looked upon the Etruscan Wall and walked upon the cobble streets I realized Carlisle had once lived here and walked the same places I was walking, but not the same path I was taking. His path took him to enlightenment and redemption, if you will. My path was far different. There was no redemption for me after the lives I had taken, including Bella's. After all, I knew I was responsible for her jumping off the cliff. I had failed her and I had failed my father. I had veered from the righteous path he had steered me down.

The only sounds that broke through the silence of the night were the winds from the Tyrrhenian Sea, blowing cans across the street and voices of drunken revelers that stumbled from one building to the next. Suddenly I was aware of a man approaching me from the shadows. He had thick black hair that fell to his shoulders, and an olive complexion that indicated he was from the region. But he wasn't any man. Even in the darkness I could see his crimson eyes and I knew he belonged to the Volturi Coven. He was one of us.

"_Non ci aspettavamo ospiti__,"_ the man thought as he moved closer to me.

"lo sono Edward Cullen," I said in a near whisper, not because I was trying to be discreet, but because I was ashamed that I had to disgrace Carlisle by having his good name associated with me. "Sono qui per affari, affari personali."

"lo sono Demetri," he said, extending his hand to shake mine. There was hesitation in his eyes. His thoughts were racing, wondering where I had come from and why I was here because, clearly, none of them were anticipating a visit from me. "Se sei americano?" he asked.

"Yes, I am," I answered with a slight smirk. His thoughts caused me no concern. If anything, they gave me hope – hope they would find it easy to grant my request.

"Please, follow me to the castle and I shall introduce you to the coven," he said, turning quickly on his heels, moving swiftly up the V. Guaranacci towards the castle that sat atop the hill overlooking the valley below.

The roads were narrow, winding past the stone buildings that butted up next to each other. The stone buildings from centuries past towered several stories above the cobblestone streets below.

The castle was a cornerstone near the center of Volterra. Its stone turrets from the medieval period anchored it to the renaissance and Roman Empire era buildings that surrounded it.

I knew, throughout history blood had been spilled upon these streets in ancient battles to defend this fortress like city. How ironic it was now ruled by vampires.

Demetri swiftly unlocked one of the two massive wooden doors reinforced with steel bands that kept the Volturi and the humans of Volterra a comfortable distance from each other.

He held the door open for me and I stepped inside, into a large reception area. There were groupings of couches throughout the room, some in front of fire places, but all surrounding tables with vases of fresh cut flowers.

The smell of the flowers took me to the meadow and pain wracked my body as I realized I would never share that time with Bella again. If I was lucky I could focus on that and the memory of her laying next to me in the tall grass and wildflowers, with the wind dancing through her hair would be my last memory as the Volturi granted my last wish, to die. Romeo had it so easy, just drink-one little vial of Poison.

But the smell of the flowers did not mask one distinct smell, the smell of human blood. As I processed what that meant I took notice of a striking Italian woman with brown hair that fell to the middle of her back rose from behind a marble counter in the middle of the room.

"Benvenuti a Volterra," she smiled, waving her hand towards a hallway that had large doors sheathed in gold at the end of it. Was this it? Was this where I would finally have relief from all the suffering I felt, because of all the suffering I had caused.

"Edward, this is Gianna," Demetri said, motioning for me to take her extended hand.

"_Che un uomo in piedi davanti a me bellissima,"_ she thought. Her eyes twinkled and a smirk crossed her lips. _"__Forse ora mi cambierà. Era possibile era il suo portato come un compagno per me?"_

"I am pleased to meet you," I lied as I shook her hand. She was a human, here hoping to one day become one of them. She had no idea what she had in store for herself.

After exchanging tentative pleasantries we made our way down the hallway, towards the foreboding set of doors that would, undoubtedly lead me to my end.

Instead, Demetri stopped halfway down the hall and pushed aside one of the wooden panels covered with paintings of the Tuscan countryside hanging on them. Behind the panel was a door he opened for me.

I followed him through and he closed it shut behind me. I turned and noticed we were now in an antechamber of the castle. It was stone, like 95% of everything else in Volterra, but small. I should see light bouncing off the stone floor, from somewhere high above.

We stepped into what surely was the round turret of the castle. Small slits of windows high up, cast the light down on the other vampires, making them sparkle like prisms of kaleidoscope.

There were three wooden thrones lined up against the round stone wall. Aside from that, there was no other furniture. The room was filled with what I knew to be Aro, Marcus and Caius, based on Carlisle's paintings. The others must have been their mates and guards.

"Such a pleasure to meet you Mr. Cullen," an ancient man with onion-like skin said as he stepped towards me. He had long, straight jet back hair that fell far down the back of his solid black cloak. Everyone else was wearing modern clothes with the exception of this man, Aro, as I determined from the other's thoughts. He was special. He was their leader and the one I needed to convince.

I dropped my backpack to the floor and it was summarily picked up and moved to a space near the doors that brought us to this room.

He moved agilely and smoothly towards me, reaching for my hand as he reached me.

"_This is, no doubt, one of Carlisle's coven," _he thought_. "I wonder if he brought my long lost brother with him to visit."_

"I am here alone Aro," I answered with stern determination. "I have come to ask a favor of all of you."

He stood there, his hand open, palm up, waiting for me to offer him my own.

I extended my hand for him to take as the thoughts of the others in the room went crazy.

_Why would he be here, alone?_

_Carlisle's lifestyle must not have worked for him._

_How did we not know he was coming?_

_Aro will get to the bottom of this._

_His gift seems formidable._

Aro took my hand and suddenly I was overwhelmed – not by the thoughts of those in the room, but by Aro's.

I could see the meadow and Bella in his thoughts, MY meadow. He saw what I had seen. The day I met Bella and was so overwhelmed I had considered massacring the entire classroom to get to her, the nights I spent holding her in her bed while she slept, the time I spent next to her bedside in the hospital when James had tried to kill her, and the day I left her alone in the forest. He saw so much more as well. He saw the beginning of my vampire life, when Carlisle changed me and he saw the rest of the family and how they each came to us.

Seconds later it was all over. He gently released my hand, staring me directly in the eyes with a knowing grin on his face.

He turned and glided towards the middle throne, followed by Marcus, Caius and eleven others. It was clear they all worshipped him.

Aro, Marcus and Caius took their seats. Two women stood to the side of Aro and Caius. These were their mates, Sulpicia and Athenodora, which I gathered by their thoughts.

I paid close attention to Marcus, who seemed incredibly unhappy, as if he were just going through the motions. He had no mate. I felt a sad kind of connection to him and I felt pity for him, knowing my suffering would soon end, but he had no end in sight.

"So, Edward, please enlighten us all with your reasons for this surprise visit," Aro said.

Every face, including the ones of the young twins, Alec and Jane were focused on me. I stepped forward, standing in the center of the room facing the group.

"I do not plan to waste your time with explanations that would bore you. Instead I simply ask you to facilitate my death. I no longer wish to live the life I have endured for the past 100 years."

Looks of shock and dismay crossed the faces of the Volturi. Aro's eyes grew large and he adjusted in his seat.

"Dearest Edward, I know it must be very difficult to live the kind of lifestyle Carlisle has introduced to each of you, but there are options," he said.

I cut him off before he had the opportunity to say more.

"What I desire has nothing to do with the lifestyle my family has lead. Carlisle is one of the gentlest, kindest, loving teachers anyone could ever ask for. I am not worthy of his kindness, nor am I worthy of the sacrifices each of my family members have made on my behalf," I explained.

"Is this because of your Bella?" Aro asked. He had seen everything, every thought and feeling I had ever experienced so he had to know how difficult my existence had become.

"I fell in love with a human, a human I did not deserve and I refused to condemn her to the same life I had been condemned to lead. My selfishness led to her death and I am unable to forgive myself for that or move on. I have never been a good vampire. I was never the perfect vegetarian, longing to taste Bella's blood more than any others. I was never the perfect blood drinker – I could only feed on those that were bottom feeders of the world they lived in and I still felt guilt for taking their lives."

I could see a glimmer in Aro's eyes as I spoke. Through his thoughts I could tell he had other ideas in mind for me – ideas that did not involve my death.

"This was never a life I chose and I know it is a life not many of us choose. However, I have never totally accepted that this is my lot. There are so many others of our kind that are comfortable with who we are and what we do. I ask you all to help me end my suffering and end my life for me. Please do what I could never ask my family to do for me and kill me," I said.

Aro looked at Marcus, and then turned to Caius. No words were spoken, not one utterance amongst anyone in the room. Clearly they would all differ to their master and do as he suggested.

"Edward, you underestimate yourself. I can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to lose a potential mate, but that is something you can move on from. Is this something you have truly given great thought to?" Aro asked.

"I have never been more certain of anything," I answered, shooting a glance towards Marcus. I hoped, not knowing the whys of his situation, that he would understand my plight and convince Aro to give me what I asked for.

"This is highly unusual – your request," Aro said, clasping his hands together. The smile had disappeared from his face and he became very businesslike. "It is something we would like to discuss as a group, before we grant or deny your wish. Can you give us several hours to mull this over before we give you an answer?"

It took me at least a minute to process what he was saying. I never imagined "no" would be an answer I would have to contemplate. Going to the Volturi to ask for their assistance was my plan B. This was my last resort. What choice did I have other than to wait for their answer?

"Of course," I answered.

"Feel free to enjoy the sights of our lovely town," Caius said. His long, snow white hair matched his ivory skin. The combination of the two suggested he was much older than he actually might have been when he changed to this lifestyle.

"However, there is no hunting inside the Etruscan wall," Marcus hummed. "I am sure you understand. We still have to maintain our anonymity."

"Certainly," I said. "I will return later today to hear your decision."

With that, a large member of the Volturi guard moved to escort me from the premises. He was exceptionally tall and thick. I had no doubt he was the brawn behind the brains of the group. His name was Felix.

We made our way back out to the hallway, past Gianna. She smiled and hit a buzzer that released the locks of the front door which Felix pushed open for me.

"We will find you when we are ready," he said.

Suddenly I found myself alone in the middle of the street, surrounded by total silence. There wasn't even a wind. I had truly hoped that I would have been taken care of by this time, but a few more hours would not make a difference in the grand scheme of things.

As the sun began to rise above the valley of Era I sought a hiding place that would keep me from revealing my identity to the humans of this ancient town.

I went to the ruins of the Roman Theater where I hid in an old access tunnel, waiting for the jury to return with a verdict. I took the time to add one last entry into my journal.

_**March 18**__**th**__**, 2006**_

_**I am writing this to you, my dearest father, so that you might understand why I chose to seek out the Volturi.**_

_**Existing in a world where Bella did not exist as well, even though we were no longer together, caused me more pain than I could ever endure. I failed her by causing her death as opposed to preventing it. But I failed you most of all. I was never the kind of son you deserved. Your kindness and generosity was so unique and I could never be a reflection of the unselfish man you were. My selfishness caused you, and Esme and the rest of the family to leave their home and my selfishness caused you each to worry about me while I sought to destroy Victoria. You set such a fine example for all of us to live by. You and Esme showed Alice and Jasper and Rosalie and Emmet that love had no bounds and there were ties that could never be broken. Because of you, we each had a home to go to. Not a house. We had a home. I knew I would no longer be the kind of person that any of you could stand to live with. I certainly didn't want to live with myself. Because you each loved me more than I ever deserved, I knew I could not ask any of you to end my life for me. Therefore, I made the decision to come to Italy, to the Volturi you had once been a part of, to ask them to end my suffering.**_

_**I hope my decision to come here will not cause you any suffering. I am sorry that I had to ask your former family to end my suffering, but I had no other options.**_

_**Please know that I love each and every one of you more than you could ever know. Please tell everyone I am sorry, but this was the only way I knew to allow you all to move forward and for me to move on, undoubtedly to hell. **_

_**Thank you for choosing me and for being my father. Thank you for your guidance, love and understanding. I am so sorry I was unable to be a better ambassador of the unique life you taught us to lead.**_

_** Love, Your son**_

_** EC**_

Within an hour of finishing my last journal entry, tucking it behind a stone wall where I was sure Alice would soon bring Carlisle to find it; I was approached by Alec, who was hiding beneath a red cloak. He had one over his arm for me as well.

"Please, put this on," Alec said, handing the robe to me. "We can return to the castle." I began to read his thoughts, to have an indication of what decision the Volturi might have come to. Suddenly I was unable to focus on his thoughts. Instead, I put the robe on and followed him back to the castle.

Aro, Marcus and Caius stood as we entered the room and Aro motioned for me to come before them. As Alec took his place alongside his twin, the trio took their seats and I removed the hood of the robe so they might see me more clearly, hoping the suffering I felt on the inside was reflected outside. I hoped if there was any hesitancy seeing the pain in my eyes would nudge them to give me what I wanted.

"Edward, I have informed the group of what I learned from your thoughts. We are all amazed at the bond you and your human shared with each other. I have no doubt you loved her deeply," he said.

I smiled, believing he was about to tell me what I had traveled thousands of miles to hear, that my suffering would soon end.

"However," he said. My heart sunk. However or but were never words I liked to hear. "We also discussed your family and were astounded that Carlisle had been able to maintain such a controversial lifestyle for so long. We believe you might be happier here, in Volterra, where your gift will be greatly appreciated and richly rewarded. In addition, we would welcome your sister Alice to join us. From your memories of her I feel she would be an excellent tool for us to have in combination with your abilities."

"I told you, I have no desire to spend another day on this earth, regardless of where that might be. It is not my lifestyle or my family I seek to escape. I seek to escape the suffering of this world and coming here will not change that. I must, respectfully decline your invitation," I said.

Aro was angry. He pursed his lips and sat up straight in his chair pressing himself against the back of the throne.

"Unfortunately we are unable to grant you your request," he said sternly. "We would be remiss if we killed you. Your gift is so profound. It would truly be wasteful and we are unwilling to just throw that away."

"Surely you must see that I will get my wish, one way or the other," I retorted. I was confident in that fact. I had taken the shortest route by asking them to grant my wish. Now I would have to contemplate how I could force their hand and make them kill me. I needed to make them see they had no other choice.

"Perhaps you need a few hours to contemplate our offer," Aro said. "After all, you have no other option."

"There is nothing to contemplate. I told you what I wanted and that is still what I want. If you are unwilling to assist me in that matter I will find a way to ensure I get what I desire," I said, turning to leave the room.

"Carlisle would expect more from you, Edward," Aro said.

I stopped in my place and shot a glare over my shoulder towards the Volturi leader.

"You know nothing about Carlisle or me for that matter," I quipped. "I came here because I thought you may do it for me because of all Carlisle had given to you. I see I was wrong."

I lifted the hood back over my face and stepped from the castle into the streets, where locals in red cloaks like mine had begun to mingle.

I found an alley that was hidden from the sun by the towering stone buildings lining the street.

I had not considered what I would do if they said no to me. I never considered that was a possibility. After all, why would they want a disgruntled vampire in the world? Didn't they know I could cause them so much difficulty?

Then it hit me. I knew what I had to do. I had to force their hand. The one rule we had in our world was to keep our existence a secret. If I threatened to expose what I was, and what they were, they would have no choice but to kill me. That was precisely what I needed to do. Now how to do it?

I paced up and down the alleyway, as revelers with red cloaks and flowing red scarves ran past me on their way to the celebration I knew nothing of. Finally, I stopped a teenage girl that walked past me.

"Qual è la festa che si celebra?" I asked.

"Giorno di San Marco," she answered. "Noi celebriamo ogni anno, questa volta."

"Cosa stai celebrando?" I asked.

"L'espulsione dei vampiri dalla città nei secoli, da San Marco. Il grande giorno è domani nel Palazzo dei Priori. Godetevi la celebrazione!" She yelled as she ran up the alley towards the center of the city.

The expulsion of vampires? If they only knew how close the monsters of their nightmares were.

The festival was my answer it seemed. It would afford me so many opportunities to force the Volturi's hand.

I could find a car and raise it above my head. The humans would know something was different about me and the Volturi would act quickly to eliminate me.

No. That is something Emmett would do. Not me.

Members of the guard would certainly be out in the city during the festival. I could attack one of them. I stood no chance of surviving that encounter. They were in the elite group because of who they were and what they could do. The Volturi would never allow such an attack. They would surely eliminate me on the spot.

Or I could ensure my swift elimination if I went on a killing spree through the city. That was the answer. I would go on a murderous rampage and people would learn about them as well, and that their St. Marcus was one of the leaders of the vampire world.

Moments later, a mother and father and their two young girls walked through the alley, hand in hand. They were laughing and the girls were twirling, holding their father's finger. Their red cloaks twirling in the breeze they stirred.

How could I go on a killing spree? How would I know I was not taking the life of a child's mother or father? Even if I would be killed, I could not endure eternity in hell knowing I had hurt a child in any way. Besides, Carlisle would learn of my transgression and I could never bring shame to him. I needed another option.

I paced back and forth in the alley way for hours, wondering what to do and how to do it. Then, suddenly a group of young adults walked slowly passed me and the smell from one of them caused the venom to begin to flow like a river overflowing its banks. I couldn't think clearly. I needed to hunt. I wanted the girl I smelled. I wanted to bite her and drink her blood. I even moved to walk behind them, contemplating snatching her quickly before she had a chance to scream.

But one person in an alley would not ensure the Volturi killed me. It might just make them angry enough to torture me, yet let me live.

I wanted to die. I needed to die.

Suddenly the bong from the clock tower hung in the air. It was 8 pm and I needed to quickly devise a plan.

Bong.

Bong.

Bong.

I knew what I would do. It would be simple and to the point. I would simply step into the mid-day sunlight in the middle of the city square. The light would dance off my skin and the Volturi would act swiftly. No humans would have to be harmed in that plan. It would suffice for what I needed. It would ensure I would die.

I spent the night in the doorway of a church near the Palazzo dei Priori. I didn't want to leave the area. I needed to stay focused and remember what my goal was and to stick with the plan.

As the sun rose steadily throughout the morning of the 19th, the crowds grew with the rising sun. Only a few more hours and I would be in a place where I would no longer hurt those I loved.

With an hour to go, I made my way into the Palazzo, which was a museum. I mulled about, observing the displays although I paid little attention to them. Then I saw a painting. The painting was of Marcus, Caius and Aro and Carlisle. Carlisle was in the painting. It was similar to the one that hung in my father's office.

A red curtain hung from above the painting, draping it on either side and just below it was a handwritten note.

_**Thank you St. Marcus for driving evil from our city and making it safe for the young children of our beautiful city. We honor you.**_

I left the building and returned to the alley beside the clock tower. I waited patiently for the hands on the clock to point in unison towards Heaven, towards my Bella. When they did, I would step into the light and force the Volturi's hand.

In just a few moments I would either be relieved of an eternity of suffering without my Bella or I would meet her in Heaven. I truly hoped Carlisle was right and the good deeds we had exacted would offer us hope of finding our way to our loved ones in the Kingdom of God.

I stood in the alley and removed my shirt, preparing for the moment when the clock tower struck noon and I would step out into the sunlight to meet my fate head on. One way or another, this life as I had known it, would end. My suffering would end.

I remembered my first time with Bella in the meadow and how beautiful she was, laying next to me amongst the flowers, with the sun beating down on both of us. That was the moment that I had felt the possibility of love. I was amazed at her lack of fear and total compassion for me. She saw something more in me than I ever had. I only saw a monster. Bella saw the man I had always longed to be.

I closed my eyes and turned my palms outward as I took one last deep breathe in, remembering the lovely scent of my dearest Bella. I could feel her hair against my cheek and see the pink blush in her cheeks. Soon, I hoped, I would see her again.

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**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter and are excited for the next chapters when Edward is finally reunited with his love. Please remember that your reviews are so helpful in getting me to write faster and I thank all of you that leave reviews for each chapter, it is the hope of a writer of Fan Fiction to get as many reviews as possible. I also would like to share a few thoughts. I write for your enjoyment and my own. I appreciate any constructive criticisms of my work, but please direct those to me through a PM. I feel that pointing out small corrections in punctuation or discrepancies in possible dates are better shared privately. Thank you.**

**Italian Translations****:**

_**Non ci aspettavamo ospiti **_**:****WE WERE NOT EXPECTING GUESTS**

_**Sono qui per affari, affari personali**_** : ****I AM HERE ON BUSINESS, PERSONAL BUSINESS**

_**Se sei Americano?**_** :**** ARE YOU AMERICAN?**

_**Che un uomo in piedi davanti a me bellissima. **__**Forse ora mi cambierà. Era possibile era il suo portato come un compagno per me?**_** : ****What a beautiful man standing before me. ****Perhaps now they will change me. Was it possible he was brought here as a mate for me?**

_**Qual è la festa che si celebra**__**?**_** : WHAT IS THE FESTIVAL BEING CELEBRATED?**

_**Giorno di San Marco**__**. **__**Noi celebriamo ogni anno, questa volta**__**.**_** : SAINT MARCUS DAY. ****WE CELEBRATE EVERY YEAR THIS TIME.**

_**Cosa stai celebrando**__**?**_** : WHAT ARE YOU CELEBRATING**

_**L'espulsione dei vampiri dalla città nei secoli, da San Marco. Il grande giorno è domani nel Palazzo dei Priori. **__**Godetevi la celebrazione**__**!**_** :** **THE EXPULSION OF VAMPIRES FROM THE CITY CENTURIES AGO BY SAINT MARCUS. THE BIG DAY IS TOMORROW IN THE PALAZZO DEI PRIORI. ENJOY THE CELEBRATION!**


	12. REUNION

**Disclaimer: I don't own a single thing Twilight (well, except for Pocket Edward)**

**A/N: Thank you to the pea to my carrot & beta ForksPixie**

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Chapter 12 Reunion

Just then the clock tolled and I could hear it despite the cheering crowds celebrating St. Marcus Day in the square. It was time for me to meet my destiny. I took a step forward, towards the sunlight and towards my last day on this earth.

Just as my foot was about to touch the ground, a force hit me so hard I could have sworn Jane had struck me down before I could expose myself. The end came quickly, painlessly.

I slowly opened my eyes and was amazed to see Bella with her arms wrapped around me.

"Amazing," I said, smiling at the fact that there was Heaven and I was allowed in. "Carlisle was right."

"Edward," she pleaded with me. "You've got to get back into the shadows. You have to move!"

I was a bit surprised. I could smell her scent as fresh as the last night I spent in her bed and it still burned my lungs. If this were Heaven, shouldn't my blood lust for her be gone?

I looked down at her and brushed her cheek with my fingers. She felt so soft and wonderful, just as she did the day I left her seven months ago. Now I could have an eternal life with her and her soul was safe. But she looked so panicked. Shouldn't she look as relieved as I felt, that we were together again?

"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing – they're very good," I mused as I pressed my lips into her hair, taking in the scent of her strawberry shampoo and the soft brown curls against my lips. "_Death, that hath sucked the honey of thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty_," I quoted Romeo. I then heard the clock boom again and found it odd that I would be aware of the world I had just left. "You smell just exactly the same as always," I whispered to her. "So maybe this _is_ hell. I don't care. I'll take it."

"I'm not dead," Bella interrupted me. "And neither are you! Please Edward, we have to move. They can't be far away!" she pleaded with me, trying to push me back out of the sun.

I was confused. "What was that?" I asked.

"We're not dead, not yet! But we have to get out of here before the Volturi—," she said.

Suddenly I understood that I had not made it into the sunlight. I had not died and Bella was really here, in Volterra, once again in my arms. While I did not comprehend how this could be, I also knew immediately I must protect her.

I pulled her from the edge of the shadows and pushed her back against the ancient stone wall of the alley, pressing my back against her. I spread my arms out to protect her as Felix and Demetri emerged from the darkness.

"Greetings, gentlemen," I said calmly, hoping they would choose to leave. However, I knew it wouldn't be as easy as that. Bella was here with me, alive and that meant I had broken the rule of keeping our existence a secret.

"I don't think I will be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters."

A nervous smile formed on Felix's lips. He seemed to know this would not be as easy as he had hoped.

"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?" he said smoothly, raising his eyebrow as a means of convincing us to cooperate. His size might have been intimidating to most, but I feared nothing with Bella by my side.

I backed closer to Bella, feeling more protective. I was grateful I had a second chance to protect her and I would not fail her again.

"I don't believe that will be necessary," I said in a low, deep voice, glaring at him. "I know your instructions, Felix. I haven't broken any rules."

"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun," Demetri said in a hushed tone. They were trying not to bring any further attention to us than had already occurred. "Let us seek better cover."

"I'll be right behind you," I said in a flat tone, hoping to spare Bella from the inevitable discussion and possible consequences I would be facing in a few moments. "Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?" I encouraged her, laying my hand on her shoulder, pointing her in the direction of the revelers.

"No, bring the girl," Felix insisted menacingly, despite his whispered tone.

"I don't think so," I answered sternly, with a growl escaping from my throat. I anchored my feet to the ground and readied my body for a confrontation, moving my body back in front of her.

"No," Bella whispered at me, laying her hands softly on my arm and shoulder.

"Shh," I whispered, hoping Bella would stay quiet and not antagonize the guard.

For months I had been emotionally moving towards the end game. Now, minutes after I thought my life had ended I desperately wanted to live, to quickly and quietly leave Italy and return to Forks, with Bella.

"Felix," Demetri warned. "Not here," he said, turning to face me. "Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all."

"Certainly," I obliged. "But the girl goes free," I insisted.

"I'm afraid that's not possible," he said politely, as if he were discussing afternoon tea. "We do have rules to obey."

When I had come to the Volturi to ask for their assistance I believed Bella was dead and it hadn't mattered that she was a human who knew of our existence. Now, here she was, living and breathing and standing before our ruling body. I had broken the cardinal rule of our kind and I had to find a way to get out of the punishment that she and I would be faced with.

"Then _I'm_ afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation, Demetri," I was posturing and hoped I would be able to talk my way out of the situation.

"That's just fine," Felix purred. He wasn't going to be okay with my answer. Now I wondered what route they were going to take.

"Aro will be disappointed," Demetri chimed in. I knew by their reactions that I was not going to be allowed to leave and disappoint Aro.

"I'm sure he will survive the letdown," I quipped. I was still doing everything I could to get me and Bella out of here.

With their cloaks protecting them from any sunlight that might fall into the alley, the two members of the Volturi Guard moved closer to the mouth of the alley, trying to force me and Bella further into the darkness of the alley.

I refused to move an inch. I was there to protect Bella at any cost. Felix and Demetri were the muscle of the family, but they didn't scare me. I was strong enough and when it came to making Bella safe I was steely in my resolve. If it came down to it, they could attack me and I would put up quite a fight, giving Bella time to escape.

Suddenly I heard my sister approaching from the darkest end of the alley. How did I not know Alice was a part of this? Felix, Demetri and I all whipped our heads in her direction.

"Let's behave ourselves, shall we?" she said in the sweetest voice, like she were giving instructions on etiquette to each of us. "There are ladies present."

She swiftly and casually moved to my side, serving as another barrier to Bella.

Demetri and Felix were taken aback by her presence. When it was just me they had to deal with they had the advantage. Now they had two vampires who were very protective of their human to deal with and it seemed the odds were in our favor.

Alice shot a glance towards the entrance of the alley where a little family with two young girls stood, interested in what was transpiring in the alley.

"We're not alone," Alice reminded them.

Demetri shot a quick glance over his shoulder. The mother was quite worried about what was happening with our group, urging her husband by pulling on his robe. The older of the two little girls were transfixed by us. Perhaps she had a deeper understanding of exactly how dangerous we were. Just as the father tapped another man on the shoulder, to bring his attention to the alley, Demetri pleaded in a calmer tone, "Please, Edward, let's be reasonable." Perhaps he thought if he fooled me into thinking there was no harm I would go along with his wishes. He underestimated me and my abilities. I knew exactly what he and Felix had in mind. I had read their thoughts and they had every intention of taking us before Aro for punishment.

"Let's," I said, putting my arm around Bella's waist, pulling her close to me and angling our bodies towards the exit of the alley. "And we'll leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."

Demetri sighed in frustration. Clearly I was not cooperating the way he had hoped I would. "At least let us discuss this more privately."

By this time six men had joined the family in the square and they were all staring at us intently. Surely they noticed how tightly I was holding on to Bella and they sensed our discomfort with the situation.

I stared directly into Demetri's eyes with ferocity and loudly clenched my teeth, never wavering from my resolve. "No.

Felix smiled.

"Enough," said a sweet voice coming from the end of the alley. The sweetness of the voice did not disguise the determination in her voice.

I had moved Bella behind me again and she peeked from under my arm to see Jane as she approached us. I lowered my arm to block her from Jane's view. I knew when Jane was sent in it wasn't going to end the way I hoped, with us walking away into the Tuscan countryside. Jane was tiny, but make no mistake, she was one of Aro's greatest weapons.

Demetri and Felix relaxed and stepped into the shadows of the buildings that rose from the alley. I relaxed my stance as well, still keeping Bella behind me. Alice became less on edge as well. We both knew we had no chance to argue with Jane. If we did the consequences would be swift and painful and our chances of negotiating our way out would be greatly decreased.

"Jane," I sighed in resignation, hesitantly welcoming her to our little gathering.

"Follow me," she directed, turning on her heels and heading back into the darkness of the alley.

Felix gestured for us to go first, of course. He couldn't take a chance of allowing us to bring up the rear. That would be our chance to escape and he knew it.

Alice obediently followed in behind Jane and I quickly followed suit. I wrapped my arm protectively around Bella's waist and moved to Alice's side, wedging Bella in between the two of us, in an effort to increase her protection against the Volturi.

"Well, Alice," I said to my sister. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."

She answered me in the same flat tone I spoke in.

"It was my mistake," she admitted. "It was my job to set it right."

I never changed my tone, although I was incredibly angry. I didn't need to get our hosts more intrigued than they needed to be.

"What happened?" I asked. I truly wanted to know how we found ourselves in this situation. Alice had all the answers and I knew it.

"It's a long story," Alice said, shooting a glance Bella's way then back at me. "In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about the extreme sports these days."

I looked at Alice, then at Bella, in shock. What on earth was she talking about? Why would Bella take risks when I asked her not to do so, for Charlie's sake. Clearly she did not listen to me.

_She has been hanging out with werewolves and being followed by Laurent and Victoria. She took up extreme sports as a hobby…._

Alice's thoughts were racing, trying to impart what she had learned about the past 7 months of Bella's life on me, without any of the others hearing.

Clearly being away from Bella had not been a good decision. It had never been clearer to me than it was now that she needed me to watch over her, to protect her. I had left her to keep her safe, but my departure had only brought her closer to danger.

"Hm," I said with disdain. I hoped Bella understood by my response that Alice had just informed me of every chance she had taken and how it affected me.

As we neared the dead end of the alley, Jane disappeared down an open hole in the street. I could tell Bella was searching the shadows for her. Jane had moved too fast for Bella to understand. I continued to lead her, with my hand on the small of her back.

Alice followed behind Jane and slid down the hole to the dark, subterranean world of the most powerful vampire family in the world. If only the world above had any clue.

As we got closer to the hole and Bella saw the grate that was slid to the side, she put the brakes on and refused to move further. I guided her forward, gently with a nudge at her back.

"It's all right, Bella," I whispered as I leaned down towards her ear. "Alice will catch you."

I was following Bella, knowing that Alice and I would always have to form a protective shell around her, never leaving any of the Volturi Guard with direct access to her.

She lowered herself to sit on the side of the hole and swung her legs into the narrow gap.

"Alice?" she whispered into the darkness below. I could hear the fear in her voice and wished, more than anything, that she hadn't come here, to the most dangerous place on earth for one of her kind, to save me.

"I'm right here," Alice said from down below.

I stepped behind her and wrapped my hands around her wrists, preparing to lower her down to Alice. I held her as gently as I could, but her soft skin was so delicate and I was certain, at the very least, there would be bruising.

"Ready?" I asked, for Bella and for Alice.

"Drop her," Alice answered.

Bella closed her eyes and took a deep breath, readying herself for the next step. I had total faith in Alice, but I knew Bella was afraid and I didn't want to let her go, to drop her into the unknown. I wanted to hold her forever.

_I have her Edward, she is okay._

As soon as I knew Alice had caught her and moved her out of the way, I dropped through the hole and moved quickly back to her side. I wrapped my arm around her waist and guided her along, following Jane.

She was frightened and wrapped both of her arms around my waist. Her confidence in me and my ability to protect her worried me. As much as I wanted to be her protector, I obviously had not done a very good job since Victoria and Laurent had made their way to her, without me or anyone from my family there to protect her.

We all quietly marched down the dimly lit street. The only sounds were that of a trickle of water here or there that oozed from the walls that lined the subterranean street. Then there was the most significant sound in my world. The sound of Bella's heartbeat and it was racing with fear.

I held on even tighter to her, worried this may be the last time I ever got to hold her this close and breathe her in. I reached my free hand across to hold her face and brush my thumb across her soft lips. I longed to feel her sweet kiss against my lips once again and had to do everything in my power to ensure we made it out of here with our lives, where we could once again be together.

She wrapped her arms more tightly around my waist, afraid to let go. She wanted me. At this moment she wanted me and needed me. If I got us through this tribunal that lay ahead would she want me then?

I bent down and kissed her forehead, to reassure here everything would be all right. Of course, I had no idea how things would turn out, but I needed to convince her she was as safe in my arms as she believed she was.

I could feel the tension in her body and see it on her face and made an effort to stroke her cheek, to calm her, to reassure her as we moved further and further down the slopping street, which I was sure would somehow take us back to the Volturi's lair.

As we moved further down through a low arched tunnel where the water seeped from the ground above, the temperature dropped. While temperature had absolutely no bearing or affect on me, it certainly did on Bella and she was shivering. As much as I could hold her and try to calm her I also knew I was making her colder. There was absolutely nothing I could do to make her feel warm, with the exception of releasing my hold on her, instead opting to wrap my hand around hers.

"N-n-no," she chattered, throwing her arm back around my waist. I knew then that the emotional comfort of being in my arms was far more important than her physical comfort.

We continued to hurry through the tunnel until we reached the end, where heavy iron bars welcomed us to enter through a smaller door, covered in interlaced bars. It was standing open, welcoming us inside a larger, brighter stone room.

The grill of the door slammed shut behind us and Bella jumped in fear. She had no idea what lay ahead, but I did and I had to find a way to get us all out of it. I clenched my jaw tightly as we entered the new room.

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**A/N: Reviews are Love & I love the Love!**


	13. VERDICT

**Disclaimer: Of course, all things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**** I DO NOT OWN these characters. I have, however, decided to make sure that Edward tells his side of the story.**

**A/N: Thank you to my beta ForksPixie, peas and carrots, baby!**

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Chapter 13 VERDICT

We found ourselves in a hallway covered with heavy duty, industrial gray carpeting, with nondescript white walls that reflected the light from the fluorescence above. The one thing that was better about this location was the fact that it was warmer for Bella than the wet tunnels we had been in. The flip side was it meant we were that much closer to arriving before Aro, Marcus and Caius.

Alice and I flanked Bella on either side, constantly keeping our eyes on the other vampires, to ensure no action would suddenly be taken against her.

Jane waited at the elevator for us, holding it open until we obediently stepped in. I knew enough about Jane to do as she wanted or the consequences would be painful.

Bella cowered in the corner of the elevator, forcing herself as close to me as possible. Situation aside, Bella trusted me and relied on me to protect her. She hadn't forsaken me as I had once hoped she would. I rubbed her arm in an effort to comfort her. The more fearful she was the more likely the Volturi were to react to that.

When the elevator doors opened we were in the lobby I had entered the day before, from street level. Gianna rose from her place at the reception desk and welcomed us, mostly Bella and Alice, since she had already welcomed me the day before.

Gianna acknowledged Jane who reciprocated with a welcome of her own.

Felix brushed his hand along the marble counter, his fingers brushing the tips of Gianna's fingers. A blush came to her cheeks and she giggled. It was clear she hoped to become one of them and I had no doubt she would, sooner rather than later.

Alice noticed the interaction between the two of them as well, while Jane continued to lead us with military precision towards the room I stood in only yesterday, begging for my life to be ended. She glanced at them, and then looked towards the ground, moving her eyes to meet my glance. Certainly she thought it was very odd the Volturi would have a human working for them.

We reached the double doors and Jane's twin Alec was there to greet us, a wide smile on his face.

"Jane," he said, reaching to take his sister's hand and greet her with a kiss on the cheek.

She extended her hand to his and leaned in for the kiss, returning the gesture herself. They hugged, and then Alec turned to look at us, focusing on Bella.

I stiffened and let out a low growl, letting them know they would not get to Bella without first going through me.

"They send you out for one and you come back with two…and a half," Alec said, eying Bella up and down. "Nice work."

Jane laughed in appreciation of her brother's insight.

Alec then turned his attention to me.

"Welcome back, Edward," he smirked. "You seem in a better mood."

"Marginally," I answered flatly. Yes, I was in a better mood. Now I had my Bella and could figure out how we could be together, if only we could escape our fate here.

Bella held on tightly to me, her fingers clutching my side. I only wish I had a way to rescue her right now, to quickly remove her from this room.

"And is this the cause of all the trouble?" Alec asked, referring to Bella.

I didn't bother to answer. I only smirked, irritated by his assessment of her being any sort of trouble.

"Dibs," Felix said from behind us.

I turned towards him and uttered a low growl as he raised his hand to me, palm up, curling his fingers, egging me on. He wanted nothing more than to fight with me, leaving Bella's side, where the others could quickly move in for the kill.

My sister knew I was being pushed to my limit and touched my arm to remind me I had a job to do and needed to focus.

"Patience," Alice said softly.

_If you attack him Edward you will ensure your life is ended, as well as mine and Bella's. I will protect her for as long as I can, but we are outnumbered. Right now, you need to remember you are here to protect her, not to be chivalrous and fight for her honor._

I returned my focus to Alec, doing my best to ignore Felix and his antagonistic ways.

"Aro will be so pleased to see you again," Alec said, as if it were a casual get together of old friends. I was not sure what Aro had in mind, but I was not there to reminisce over old times.

"Let's not keep him waiting," Jane said softly, raising her hand towards the hallway she wanted us to take.

I nodded that I understood and would comply. I knew arguing with Jane would only ensure punishment, for all three of us and I would have no opportunity to talk our way out of it. Therefore, I complied.

Alec and Jane turned towards the paneled wall I had entered the day before and he held the door open for his sister. Bella's heart was racing and I needed her to calm down. The last thing I needed was for her to have a panic attack and run. But remembering how she faced James and her bravery in coming to save me, I was beginning to believe she could handle anything. I held her hand and pushed her through the doorway with my hand on her back.

We entered the turret room and Aro, Marcus and Caius were mingling about with the other members of the Volturi clan. They were waiting on us.

As we entered the room all of their conversations trailed off as Aro approached our party.

"Jane, dear one, you've returned!" he cried in delight although he never raised his voice above a normal tone.

As he glided towards us the others followed with Renatta leading the way, acting as his personal bodyguard, as if he would need one.

Aro took Jane's face in his hands and kissed her on the lips, then moved back a step.

"Yes, Master," Jane smiled. She was filled with pride. "I brought him back alive, just as you wished." It must have been quite a feat for her to hold back.

"Ah, Jane," Aro smiled in her direction. "You are such a comfort to me."

Aro's minions would do or say anything for him. They were nothing more than robots. Not one of them would dare rise up and go against his wishes. Quite the opposite. I think they would kill each other in an effort to increase their standing with their master.

He then turned towards the three of us and his smile widened. He looked like someone who just got the best Christmas present ever.

"And Alice and Bella, too!" he rejoiced, clapping his hands together in excitement. "This is a happy surprise! Wonderful!"

Bella's mouth fell open in shock. I couldn't read her mind but I was sure she was surprised Aro knew of her. Certainly she was wondering how much he knew.

Aro then turned to Felix. "Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."

"Yes, Master," Felix said obligingly as he disappeared back through the door we came in.

"You see, Edward?" Aro smiled at me. His constant grin was creepy. I knew there was so much evil behind his deceptive smile. "What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"

Bella looked up at me with pity. Surely Alice had seen what I was planning and told Bella of it. Why else would she have shown up to save me? Maybe she was surprised at the depths of my depression.

"Yes, Aro, I am," I answered, wrapping my arms tightly around Bella's waist. I never wanted to let her go again and certainly not here.

"I love a happy ending," Aro sighed. "They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" he turned his glance and attention to my sister. I was sure the happy endings he liked were not the happy endings I hoped for. "Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake."

Alice was quick with a sarcastic retort. "Oh, I'm far from infallible."

_Edward, we need to get us out of here. I will not be able to bite my tongue for long._

"As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them," she continued to Aro, her tiny fists clenched and a sweet, unassuming smile on her face.

"You're too modest," Aro chided her. "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"

Alice turned her eyes towards me, shooting me a knowing glare. I lowered my eyes. Yes, it had been through my thoughts and experiences that Aro saw Alice and all that she could do. My own memories had betrayed Alice and Bella both.

_What did you tell him Edward?_

Aro smiled, catching our interaction as much as we tried to keep it just between us.

"I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend to get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not." Aro's spoke with an undertone of envy.

"And also exponentially more powerful," I added dryly. I quickly turned towards Alice to explain. "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."

Alice raised her eyebrows in surprise and understanding. I tilted my head to acknowledge the fact that I knew she understood exactly what that meant. I hoped Bella did not fully understand, if she did, she now knew that Aro had knowledge of every thought, memory and emotion I had ever experienced about her.

Aro didn't miss a beat and responded quickly to our exchange.

"But to be able to hear from a distance…" Aro sighed, gesturing toward the two of them, and the exchange that had just taken place. "That would be so _convenient_."

Aro looked over our shoulders and everyone in the room followed suit, including us. Felix had returned, with Marcus and Caius.

"Marcus, Caius, look!" Aro crooned. "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?"

Neither Marcus nor Caius looked overjoyed. They knew I told them I would not join them and I did not intend to let Alice or Bella either. For them, what was there to get excited about? They knew the only outcome was to eliminate the three of us and looked as if we were wasting their time with idle chit chat.

None of that bothered Aro or decreased his enthusiasm.

"Let us have the story," He said excitedly, clapping his hands together.

Caius turned his back on us and glided his way to one of the thrones the trio ruled from. Marcus made his way to Aro's side where he reached his hand out and briefly touched the palm of his Master's hand. Marcus was sharing his thoughts on how the situation should be handled with Aro.

_This relationship he has with the human is powerful. Perhaps he would be more inclined to join us if he offered his mate a spot in our family, along with his sister. Do not judge too quickly Aro. The power of their bond may be very beneficial to us._

I snorted quietly; amused by their parlor tricks and the arrogance they exuded. Alice looked at me out of curiosity, not understanding what was transpiring.

_What is going on Edward?_

"Thank you, Marcus," Aro said. "That's quite interesting."

Marcus followed Caius to his throne, flanked by two bodyguards and Aro and Caius' mates who took their places at Caius's side. Aro remained in front of us, determined to learn more about our bond.

Aro clasped his hands and shook his head in astonishment.

"Amazing," he said. "Absolutely amazing."

Alice was growing frustrated with me. She didn't like that I knew something she didn't and I was not imparting that knowledge to her. I obliged and turned to her, informing her in a low voice, "Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours."

Aro smiled. "So convenient," he repeated himself in a low voice, as if only for him to hear. Then he spoke to us, "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you."

Marcus offered no emotion that would give any insight to his feelings.

"It's just so difficult to understand, even now," Aro mused, staring at the arm I had wrapped tightly around Bella, holding her close to me. "How can you stand so close to her like that?"

"It is not without effort," I said flatly.

"But still – la tua cantante! What a waste!"

I laughed at his dramatic interpretation of her hold on me. Yes, my singer, but it went far beyond that. Her blood sang to me, but her heart spoke to me. It whispered love and acceptance and that was far more enticing. "I look at it more as a price."

Aro had so much trouble believing my take on everything, that I could be with her, without killing her.

"Opportunity cost."

Aro laughed. "If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you…"

"Waste it," I ended his sentence for him, with sarcasm.

Aro laughed again. It was maniacal. "Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him – only he was not so angry."

"Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well."

"I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame."

"Hardly," I answered impatiently. I only wished they would get on with it, whatever their decision was.

"I am gratified by his success," Aro mused. "Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it…_pleases_ me, his success in this unorthodox path he's chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I'm happy to be wrong."

I didn't reply. There was nothing to say. The longer I continued the tit-a-tat with him, the longer the inevitable would be put off.

"But _your_ restraint!" Aro sighed. "I did not know such strength was possible. To inure yourself against such a siren call, not just once but again and again – if I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed."

I looked at Aro with no emotion. He wanted a reaction. He wanted me to pour out how much I loved her and beg him not to pass their judgment on us, but I was not going to do that. If I did as he wished there would be no doubt we all would be punished. If I downplayed things and played more of a mind game with him the better the chances of Bella and I leaving together and Alice returning home to Jasper.

"Just remembering how she appeals to you…" Aro chuckled."It makes me thirsty."

It made me angry. I was seething with anger and wanted nothing more than to grab him by the throat and tear him to pieces, but I knew I couldn't do as I wished. I had to control my emotions.

"Don't be disturbed," Aro reassured me. As if his words meant anything to me. Despite his smiles and laughter I knew he was a truly sadistic monster. "I mean her no harm. But I am _so_ curious, about one thing in particular." He turned his eyes to Bella and looked her up and down which made it that much more difficult for me to control my emotions. "May I?" he asked eagerly, lifting one hand.

"Ask _her_," I answered flatly. I knew I could not answer for her. No matter how chivalrous I wanted to be, I knew she had a mind of her own and if I didn't let her have some control over the situation, she would interject when it wasn't appropriate.

"Of course, how rude of me!" Aro exclaimed. "Bella," he said to her. "I'm fascinated that you are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent – so very interesting that such a thing should occur! And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try – to see if you are an exception for _me_, as well?"

Bella looked at me with such fear and anxiety in her eyes. I could tell she feared the unknown. She didn't understand the extent of his powers or what it meant for her. She was looking at me with desperation. She wanted me…she needed me, to save her. But I knew Aro was no threat to her. If I could not read her mind and was so in tune with her, I had no doubt Aro would be unsuccessful as well. But I only wished I could have somehow told her it would be okay. I would never let harm come to her. Ever.

I reassured her the only way I could, with a nod of encouragement. As long as Alice and I were near her, no one would ever harm her.

She trusted me. The fear was still there in her eyes, but it subsided. She seemed to know I would protect her. She slowly raised her trembling hand to Aro and he took it in his. Inside I was seething with anger. I did not like him touching my Bella and trying to search her thoughts and feelings. It seemed so wrong, so disgusting, but deep down inside I knew that no matter how hard he tried he would be unsuccessful.

He looked down at Bella, with a confident smile on his face. And she looked up at him, out of a quiet respect and obligation. As scared as she was, I think she was also in awe of Aro and what possible powers he possessed. She was fascinated somehow and I was moved by her quiet determination. No matter how often fear came to her doorstep, Bella faced it head-on. She never let her fear control her or stop her. When most people avoided our kind out of a subconscious fear, Bella pushed her way through. I knew Aro stood no chance with Bella. She wasn't the average human he had been accustomed to dealing with. Bella would never back down from him, even if it was in her best interest to do so.

I turned my focus from Bella to Aro as I saw the smile on his face change to one of confusion and masked anger.

_Nothing. I am getting nothing. How is this possible? _Aro thought.

It was everything I could do not to smile myself. Alice was watching the interaction between Aro and Bella as well and she lowered her head and raised her eyes to me. No smile formed on her lips either, but her eyes were shining. Bella had managed to stump Aro, who was, without a doubt, the most powerful vampire in the world. I was quietly proud of her. I didn't know how she did it and I was sure she didn't either, but Aro could see nothing through her. Her emotions and thoughts revealed nothing to him. She was as much a mystery to him as she was to me and I liked it that way.

"So very interesting," he said as he released her hand and moved back with his group. He wanted to look at Bella, and me and Alice from afar, as though something else would reveal to him what Bella's thoughts would not.

Within seconds, he shook his head as though to bring himself back into the moment. And then one name ran through his thoughts.

_Jane._

My confidence in Bella and what she had done suddenly turned to fear for her. Jane was exceptional. Her power was one of the greatest I had ever known and she was young. She felt no compassion for anyone else. Jane only wanted to succeed, as did Aro.

"At first," Aro mumbled to himself. "I wonder if she is immune to our other talents…Jane, dear?"

Now I wished Aro had been able to read Bella's thoughts, to prevent this from happening. What Aro could do to Bella was nothing compared to what Jane could do and now I had to stop at nothing to protect her.

"No!" I snarled, lurching towards the ancient vampire. Alice grabbed my arm to hold me back and I shook her off.

Jane smiled at Aro. To an outsider, her sweet cherubic smile would seem so sweet and innocent. To me, and to the others of our kind, it revealed her joy in getting the go ahead to use her power.

"Yes, Master?" she said sweetly to Aro.

A rage was coming from deep within me. My lips were quivering as I tried to hold back from attacking Aro. How could he want to sic Jane on Bella, only because she had been able to block him? Jane would never get a chance to try her powers on Bella. I would kill every vampire in the room before I would let that happen.

Alice's eyes grew large. She knew me. She knew how this was infuriating me and she knew, at some point, there would be a point of no return. The only thing stopping me from going directly for Aro's throat was a sense of obligation to protect my sister so she could return to Jasper. I could not be responsible for her demise. And I had an obligation to my father. I could feel Carlisle's gentle hand on my shoulder, asking me to consider the consequences of any action I might take out of anger.

Silence filled the vast room. The only sound was the growl that slipped through my teeth. All eyes in the room were on me.

_Certainly he would not attack Aro. _

_No one dares question Aro's judgment, _Felix thought as he moved one step closer to me.

_Do I kill the young vampire even though Aro wants him spared?_

None of these minions realized how much damage I could do to them and their 'family'. The thought of anyone threatening my family and my love brought out my dark side, the side I tried so desperately to deny and to hide from Bella.

Aro turned calmly to Jane, despite the tension that filled the room.

"I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to _you_."

I pushed Bella behind me, to shield her from the impending attack, but I never took my hand off of her. A more forceful, uncontrolled growl escaped from within me.

Caius and his group moved closer to us and Jane smiled in our direction with pleasure. They all were preparing for an attack and it seemed their priority was to separate Bella from Alice and I.

"Don't!" my sister screamed as I released Bella and lunged for Jane.

Before I had a chance to take more than one step I was on the ground, writhing in agony. No one had touched me. No one needed to. It was Jane's power and since I was keeping her from testing it on Bella, she was going to punish me.

My teeth and fists were clenched and my entire body was tense, as though I had a volt of electricity pulsing through my body. I couldn't move at will and could only writhe in pain. I caught a glimpse of Bella and she was terrified. Alice moved close to her, to comfort her and calm her.

While I felt immense pain, it was not real. Jane only made me believe I was in tremendous pain. It was all in my mind. When she released me from her hold I would be fine, but Bella had no way of knowing that.

"Stop!" Bella screamed, jumping forward to go between Jane and me. She was at a loss as to what to do and the fear was overcoming her. I tried, unsuccessfully to stretch my hand towards her, to comfort her, but my muscles were so tense there was nothing I could do. Luckily, Alice was there to do what I could not and she wrapped her arms around Bella, preventing her from inciting a similar attack against her.

"Jane," Aro said peacefully, looking at the young torturer.

She looked at him with great disappointment. She understood he was calling her off. With that, my body relaxed. The imagined pain had left just as suddenly as it had come on.

As I took a second to recover, I noticed Aro and Jane both turning their attention towards Bella. The brief distraction of my heroics had not prevented an attack on her – it had only delayed it.

Alice continued to hold tightly onto Bella as I struggled to regain control of my body.

"He's fine," my sister whispered to Bella. I sat up and jumped to my feet. I looked at Bella in horror. I could not let her feel what I had just felt. She was only human. Her mind could not endure the torture and her body would succumb to the inflicted pain. I had to stop it.

I quickly turned to look at Jane, to see if she was focusing her talents on her. The look on Jane's face, the intensity and concentration was the same as it had been when she attacked me. I turned to look at Bella and she was still safe in Alice's arms, confusion crossing her face. It wasn't working. Jane was not able to affect Bella. I relaxed momentarily. For whatever reason, Bella seemed to be able to protect herself when I could not.

Bella didn't understand her ability to deflect this though. She had fear in her eyes, waiting for the inevitable that would never come.

I quickly made my way to her side and touched Alice's arm, letting her know I was there to protect her now.

As I pulled Bella close to me, Aro began to laugh in hysteria.

"Ha, ha, ha," he chuckled like a mad man. "This is wonderful!"

He realized what I already knew; there was something special about Bella. None of us knew what it was, but she was able to block powers that worked on the mind, without trying.

Jane was angry. She lowered her eyes and hissed, focusing harder on Bella. She was determined to try again.

"Don't be put out, dear one," Aro reassured her, resting his hand on her shoulder. "She confounds us all."

Despite Aro's reassurance to his strongest weapon, Jane continued to focus on Bella.

"Ha, ha, ha," Aro laughed maniacally again. "You're very brave Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once – just once out of curiosity." He shook his head in admiration at me. I hardly considered his admiration flattery.

"So what do we do with you now?" Aro sighed.

Now Aro had to consider what to do. Alice and I both stiffened, knowing the end was soon to be near. Death was the ultimate punishment. I had to figure a way out of this or a way to make it quick and painless for my Bella, who was trembling. She knew the rules and she seemed to understand what we would soon face.

"I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?" Aro asked me with great hope. "Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company."

I tried to concentrate on Aro's thoughts, but he was blocking me. I could not see what his intentions were by his offer. If I said no, was I putting Bella in more danger? There was nothing I would not do to protect Bella. I listened in on Alice.

_You can not save her by saying yes. They will either kill her now or turn her immediately. If you say no we may still have a chance. _

I was still uncertain of Aro's decision, but chose with much hesitation to listen to Alice.

"I'd…rather…not."

He then turned his attention to my sister.

"Alice?" Aro asked hopeful, "Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?"

"No, thank you," Alice said politely, but sternly.

Then he surprised me. He made an offer to Bella.

"And you, Bella?" he raised his eyebrows. None of us knew what ability she would have as a vampire, although we all knew it would be substantial based on her ability to deflect their powers today. I believe he was asking her mostly to force my hand. It would not work.

Caius broke the silence that filled the room after Aro's offer.

"What?" he asked Aro flatly. Clearly this was not an option Aro had discussed with his brothers. This was a sudden offer no one had anticipated.

"Caius, surely you see the potential," Aro chided his brother. "I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"

One of them? How dare he even act as though that were a possibility. Even if Bella agreed. That would not occur as long as I had an ounce of energy left in me.

Jane glared at Bella. She was quite obviously offended by the comparison.

I was growing angry again and a growl was working through me. I could feel Bella relax against me. She was trying to calm me.

"No, thank you," She whispered.

Aro sighed. "That's unfortunate, such a waste," he said, shaking his head in disappointment.

I hissed at him. I knew what he was working towards.

"Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought to _this_ room. So much for your laws," I said with venom filled words.

"Of course not," Aro blinked, astonished I would suggest such a thing, even though it was precisely the case. "We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you."

He snow-haired brother chimed in, reminding him of the consequences, as though he had forgotten. "Aro, the law claims them," Caius hissed.

I glared at Caius. He was more concerned with the law and cared little about us joining their guard_._

_She knows the truth, Edward and you know what that means. You know the rules and the consequences. Perhaps you should have thought about that before you embarked upon a relationship with a human you have no intention of changing,_ Caius thought.

"How so?" I demanded of him. I wanted him to say it – out loud, for everyone to hear. There would be no silent carrying out of their self-imposed rules.

Caius pointed a finger at Bella, as though there was any doubt who this was about. She was, as it were, the elephant in the room.

"She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets," Caius said.

I was indignant. He would not judge me and my family by a different set of standards than the Volturi lived by themselves.

"There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well," I reminded him.

_You are full of vim and vinegar Mr. Cullen. How brave of you to put on a show for _your_ human._

Caius fought back a smile. He was shocked I would call him out, yet impressed by my audacity.

"Yes," he agreed. "But when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secrets, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not," he scoffed.

"I wouldn't --," Bella whispered. She was more afraid than I had ever seen her. She was never so quiet. Caius stared at her with a steely glare which forced her to end her sentence. He had no desire to hear what she had to say.

"Nor do you intend to make her one of us," Caius continued towards me. "Therefore, she is vulnerability. Though it is true, for this, only _her_ life is forfeit. You may leave as you wish."

How dare he suggest I, or Alice would ever leave this place without Bella. We would leave together or we would die together. I would never leave her side again. Ever.

I bared my teeth at him, letting him know if that is what he planned he would have to go through me.

"That's what I thought," Caius grinned. Felix stepped towards me, ready to carry out Caius' sentence on Bella.

"Unless…," Aro interrupted his brother and stopped Felix from moving forward. The smile had left his face. None of this had gone the way he wanted and while he might have agreed with his brother, he preferred to handle such matters with more dignity and class. "Unless you do intend to give her immortality," he directed to me. Of course that was what he wanted. If I changed Bella, he would have an unlimited amount of time to convince us to join his family.

Nothing had changed. I refused to change Bella all of the times she had begged me to do so and Aro would not make me waiver from my position on the subject.

I pursed my lips together. I was not actually considering giving in to his request and I did not want to give Bella false hope, but I needed to play my cards to get us out of Volterra, unscathed. "And if I do?"

A smile returned to his sadistic face and he clasped his hands together as though all the pieces were falling into place. "Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle." Then the smile disappeared from his face and the sadist in him surfaced. "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it."

Everyone in the room focused their eyes in my direction, including Bella and Alice. The outcome of this day lay solely in my hands.

I looked down at Bella, who was pleading with me to agree to his demands with her chocolate brown eyes. Even though I had briefly entertained the idea of changing her when I was without her for so long, I knew now I would never agree to it. I could not let her become part of this world, a world that was ruled by the likes of Aro. There had to be another way to get us all out of here alive.

Before I could render my decision, Alice stepped away from us, towards Aro.

His guard moved towards her, to stop a perceived attack, but that is not what Alice was doing. I watched as he raised her hand for him. Aro waved off the guard and stepped towards my sister, taking her hand in his as he had done with me.

Aro closed his eyes and focused on Alice's memories. I knew what she was doing and I was not happy. I snapped my teeth together and I hoped she heard it. It was directed at her.

_They will be together, forever. She will be one of us. I have seen it,_ Alice thought.

Aro believed Alice's visions infallible, but I knew that any change in her decision would change the outcome. She may have promised to change Bella, but there was one thing I was certain of and it was that Bella would never become a vampire.

Bella began to fidget in my arms. She was nervous, not knowing what was happening. She was concerned for Alice. That I could tell.

Suddenly his eyes opened and he raised his head to look at me with a smile.

"Ha, ha, ha," he laughed. His eyes glistened with joy. "That was _fascinating_!"

Alice smiled with no emotion behind it. She had succeeded at convincing him, but was anything but relieved at having had Aro see all that she knows.

"To see the things that you've seen – especially the ones that haven't happened yet!" Aro said, shaking his head in wonder at my sister's talent.

"But that will," Alice said with a soft reassurance.

"Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there's no problem," Aro said.

Aro was no longer controlling his thoughts, the rush of Alice's visions still coursing through him.

_Now that I know Bella will become one of us I should let them go. If they stayed, we would have to kill all three and lose such talent. If I let them leave, one day we could have all three of their formidable talents join us._

None of the Volturi seemed pleased with what had just transpired. For whatever their reasons, each of them had hoped we would not leave their chamber.

"Aro," Caius complained.

"Dear Caius," Aro smiled at his brother. "Do not fret. Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future. Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household…Besides, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"

Bella slumped against me, I understood that she was upset that I had not agreed immediately to change her and she knew Alice's visions were subjective and my will was strong.

I turned to Aro. "Then we are free to go?" I asked in an even tone.

"Yes, yes," Aro said pleasantly, as though it had been a family reunion we had attended. "But please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!"

Caius was not ready to relinquish the entire decision making process to his brother. He had to be heard.

"And we will visit you as well," Caius promised. "To be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances."

I clenched my jaw in understanding and nodded my head. I was not pleased with the way in which they had come to allow us to leave, but I had to remember, we _were_ leaving. I would find a way to keep Bella human.

Caius moved back towards his other brother, Marcus. Marcus seemed disinterested and had never uttered a word. He was as unhappy with his lot as I had been with mine only a day earlier.

Felix groaned. He had been anxious to carry out the death sentence.

"Ah, Felix," Aro smiled. "Heidi will be here at any moment, patience."

_Finally, a meal_, Felix thought.

We needed to make our departure in haste. Once their feeding frenzy began I didn't want Bella anywhere near them, on the off chance she might become part of the meal.

"Hmmm," I said. "In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later."

"Yes," Aro agreed. He thought the same way I did. "That's a good idea. Accidents do happen. Please wait below until after dark, though, if you don't mind."

"Of course," I agreed. Secretly I was mortified that we would have to wait the day out before we could flee Volterra.

"And here," Aro added, motioning to Felix with one finger. Felix made his way to his master, who removed the gray cloak the enforcer was wearing, tossing it to me. "Take this, you are a little conspicuous."

I obliged and slipped my arms through the sleeves, fastening the clasp on the front, letting the hood lay on my shoulders.

Aro sighed. "It suits you." Of course he could not pass up an opportunity to remind me that I was passing up, what he thought was a wonderful opportunity to join the Volturi.

I gave a sarcastic laughed and turned to leave, moving Bella along just in front of me. As I began to move forward and away from this nightmare, I looked at the Italians over my shoulder, realizing how truly close I had become to getting what I had wished for when I arrived two days earlier. "Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."

"Goodbye young friends," Aro said as his eyes looked in the same direction we were headed.

"Let's go," I whispered to Bella and Alice with urgency. We needed to leave before minds were changed.

Demetri lead us out the same door we had entered and I pulled Bella along swiftly, Alice following closely at her side.

We hadn't gotten out as quickly as I had hoped. A crowd of humans were making their way towards the room we had just escaped from. They were chatting with one another as though they were on a tour. They were unaware of the horror that lay ahead.

"Welcome, guests! Welcome to Volterra!" Aro's voiced echoed from behind his.

Bella stiffened in fear. She suddenly realized what was going to happen to these unsuspecting humans. I pulled her face into my chest, hoping I could shield her from hearing the sounds of death that would soon fill the air.

The moment there was a break in the parade of people making their way down the hall, I pushed Bella through them towards the door. I could feel the tears stream down her face and seep into the cloak.

As Heidi passed us and bantered about with Demetri I hurried my pace, dragging Bella along. I wanted to get her out faster. Unfortunately, just as we reached the ornate door at the end of the hall, the screams began and Bella shook with fear against me.

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**A/N: Reviews are love! Please let me know your thoughts. We are almost through with this ride and your reviews help inspire me to continue. Thank you.**


	14. FLIGHT

**Disclaimer: All things Twilight belong to Stephenie Meyer.**** I DO NOT OWN these characters. **

**A/N: Thank you to my beta ForksPixie, peas and carrots, baby!**

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Chapter 14 FLIGHT

Demetri led us to the reception area where Gianna smiled at us suspiciously from behind the marble counter.

_Erano permesso di lasciare? __Che vergogna. __Avevo tanto sperato Edward si sarebbe unito alla famiglia e la sua umana sarebbe eliminata. __Sarebbe stato un compagno bello._

Gianna was disappointed to see Bella returning from the Volturi's lair alive, unchanged and by my side. She still held the hope that I would join the Volturi and be her mate. She could not be more wrong. From that moment on I was never going to leave Bella's side again. If there would ever be leaving to be done, Bella would have to leave me and even then I would always be close.

"Do not leave until dark," Demetri warned us.

I nodded my head in understanding as he returned down the hallway to join the others for _dinner_.

_It will be okay Edward. We will be back in Forks soon_.

The soft music that filled the reception area did little to calm any of our nerves and I was not going to feel that the danger was behind us until I returned Bella to Forks. Despite Alice's comforting thoughts, my sister was just as wary as I.

"Are you alright?" I whispered to Bella, low enough to keep Gianna from hearing my concern. I hoped the tone of my voice did not reveal the anxiety I was feeling.

Bella didn't have a chance to answer before Alice jumped in, "You'd better make her sit before she falls, she's going to pieces."

It was true. I could feel Bella shaking almost uncontrollably in my arms. I had been so concerned with Demetri and getting out of Volterra that I hadn't noticed the physical effects of the experience on her system.

Suddenly sobs began to pour from Bella, tears flowing like rain down her cheeks. I wanted to hold her close, so close she could not hear the sounds that were escaping from the room we had just left, so close that she would be wrapped in a safe bubble, so close she would forget she had ever been in this awful place.

"Shh, Bella, shh," I said, trying to calm her shaking and teeth chattering. She was going into shock and I didn't want anything to keep us from leaving the castle at the first opportunity we were afforded. I pulled her along to the sofa furthest away from Gianna, where I could focus on her without worrying about being overheard.

Alice followed closely behind and sunk into the couch on the other side of Bella. She leaned forward with a look of great concern.

"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her," she suggested.

Perhaps I should have slapped my sister. Surely she was just as hysterical if she thought I would ever lay a hand on Bella, no matter what the conditions. I raised my eyebrow and glared at her to shut up.

I carefully brushed her cheek with my fingers, trying to comfort her. I pulled her into my lap, to hold her close. I tucked the borrowed cloak around her to keep my skin from making contact with her out of fear of her sinking further into shock.

"It's all right, you're safe, it's all right," I repeated, kissing her softly on her temple in between reassurances. I rocked her gently back and forth, trying to comfort her like I remembered my mother once comforting me.

"All those people," Bella sobbed, tears streaming down her cheeks, soaking into the borrowed cloak.

"I know," I whispered.

"It's so horrible," she said between sobs.

"Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that,"

It was true. It pained me to know she had to see the things she had seen since she arrived in Volterra to save me. Again, I was the reason she was suffering. But now that I had her near me, in my arms, I would spend every day with her to protect her and make her safe.

My words seemed to be reaching her. She dabbed her tears and took several deep breaths, shaking as she tried to regain her composure.

Just as she was relaxing, Gianna appeared behind me, leaning in to Bella.

"Is there anything I can get you?" she asked as if it was a doctor's office and she was offering her a drink of water or a box of tissues.

"No," I said flatly, holding Bella tighter against me.

She took my not so subtle hint to go away and nodded before returning to her post behind the marble counter.

Bella raised her eyes to look around, but kept her head close to my chest.

"Does she know what's going on here?" Bella asked. The deep breaths she had been taking were working to calm her down and she was able to complete an entire sentence, although with a hoarse voice.

"Yes, she knows everything," I answered.

"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?"

"She knows it's a possibility" I said with a shrug of my shoulders.

_Edward, would you please lie to her? You are not making this any easier. _

Alice was sunk back into the couch with her arms crossed across her chest, shooting me a sideways glance that Bella could not see.

Bella raised her eyes to mine, her pupils large with shock.

"She's hoping they'll decide to keep her," I said.

_Good job Edward._

Her mouth opened slightly and she froze, the color leaving her cheeks. "She wants to be one of them?"

I nodded to her and looked deep into her eyes, hoping she would understand that her own desire to be one of us was as shocking and ridiculous an idea as she believed Gianna's was.

Her body shuddered and she leaned closer against me.

"How can she want that?" she asked. "How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be part of that?"

I shot a glance at my sister. It seemed as though Bella was getting the point of why I told her the reality about Gianna's wishes. Why would _she_ want to be one of us? Why would _she_ want to become the monster that lived within me, within each of us? Alice and I were no different than the Volturi.

She looked in my eyes for understanding and clarity. I could see a realization fill her eyes and as they became aware the tears that had stopped began to flow again. "Oh, Edward," she cried, grasping my robe tightly with her fingers.

Why was she crying? Why could I not see inside her mind and know what pained her and troubled her thoughts?

"What's wrong?" I asked. She was the only person I ever had to utter those words to and I hated it. I knew what was wrong with every other single person I had ever encountered, but the one mind I wanted and needed to read was a mystery to me.

As I rubbed her back softly, she wrapped her arms tightly around my neck. She was holding on my tighter than she ever had before. If she was trying to hold on to me, to keep me from leaving, she had no reason to worry. I needed her to know that, to know I would never leave her again unless it was what she desired.

"Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?" she asked with a hint of a smile cracking the edges of her lips.

I wasn't completely sure why she was happy, but she was here, in my arms and not angry or scared. I was happy too. For now, there was no tragic Romeo and Juliet ending to our story. I hoped this would be the beginning of our happily ever after. "I know exactly what you mean," I whispered. "But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we are alive."

Alice was hanging her head to disguise the smug smile on her own face.

"Yes," Bella agreed, laying her head against my chest as I hugged her as tight as possible without breaking her. I never ever wanted to let her go, although I preferred to hold her somewhere other than this room. "That's a good one."

"And together," I said, releasing a breath, a sigh of relief if you will. "And with any luck we will still be alive tomorrow."

"Hopefully," she said with trepidation.

Although I was still not completely sure we would leave this place I had no business worrying her. No matter what I needed to convince her that tomorrow the sun would rise again in her world, in our world, in Forks.

Alice reached over and placed her hand on Bella's back.

"The outlook is quite good," she reassured us both. "I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours," she said with quiet determination. If Alice believed that, I believed that.

Bella looked at me and I looked at her. We were transfixed by one another. The horrible reality of where we were seemed to disappear. I could almost smell the sweet flowers of the meadow and imagine us lying next to each other, sun beating down on us with no fear of revelation. In that moment we were somewhere else, somewhere beautiful and safe.

I reached for her face and traced the dark circles under her eyes with my cool fingertips. She hadn't slept. She hadn't eaten. She had devoted all of her energy to me. "You look so tired," I said to her.

She raised her hand and placed it against my jawbone, her thumb brusher the lobe of my ear. I closed my eyes for a second and lay my head gently in her hand. "And you look thirsty," she whispered.

I shrugged. It was true I needed to hunt, to replenish my system. For months I had only been hunting as necessary, not building up a reserve and the emotional energy I had exerted was taking its toll on me. "It's nothing," I said, trying to convince her.

"Are you sure? I could sit with Alice," she offered.

As if I would consider, for one moment leaving her side, especially in this place. I knew Alice would protect her, but that was not her job. It was mine and I had failed at it for quite some time. It was my resolve to protect her the way she needed and deserved. From that point on I was determined that her needs would always come before mine – her real needs, not ones that I imagined them to be. Like I convinced myself she didn't need me in her life. Perhaps she didn't, but I needed her and I would convince her that I could be everything she ever needed or wanted. I could not live without her one more day.

"Don't be ridiculous," I sighed. I was supposed to be her savior, her knight in shining amour and it was always her coming to my rescue. "I've never been in better control of _that_ side of my nature than right now."

She looked at me and opened her mouth. Several times she started and stopped. There was something she wanted or needed to say, but the words never formed and in this moment it didn't matter. In this moment I only wanted to look deep into her eyes and breathe in her scent – the scent I had missed for so long. I would no longer have to imagine what she smelled like and rely on memories. Now I could create new memories, memories that would keep me going when she eventually took her last breath in this world. Whenever her forever ended, so would mine, but until then, we would spend it together and she would never have to know that one day I would return here.

Bella rested her head against me and closed her eyes. She didn't sleep, but she was at peace. She felt safe in my arms which were more than I ever wanted or deserved.

"How did you get here?" I asked my sister in a voice that only we could hear.

"First we flew, then we drove," she answered in a clear effort to deflect from the truth she was hiding.

"Alice, I can just read your mind and know what you did, but I am trying to have a real conversation with you," I said.

"I borrowed a car," she said. "It is parked nearby."

"Borrowed?" I asked sarcastically. "Nice, Alice. Grand theft auto with Bella."

"What would you have preferred?" she asked. "We were in a hurry to save you and running would not have been prudent."

We continued to discuss plans for our return to Forks while Bella rested in my arms.

"What was all the talk about singers?" Alice asked loud enough for Bella to hear.

"La tua cantante," I answered, the words rolling off my tongue.

"Yes, that," Alice answered. Bella stirred, ever so slightly. She must have been just as curious about that exchange with Aro.

I hugged her more tightly and breathed her scent in as I leaned closer to Alice to answer in a low voice that Bella could hear, but left Gianna out of our conversation. "They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my singer – because her blood sings for me."

_Sings? How dramatic_, Alice laughed.

I kissed Bella's forehead, just at her hairline. I could hold her forever. I didn't mind that her blood sang to me, sometimes like a tragic Opera, torturing me and testing my resolve, other times like a Beethoven symphony, comforting and moving.

For hours I chatted with Alice, catching up on all I had missed since I had last talked to my family at Christmas.

Esme had been depressed, worried that I would never return home. Carlisle had felt as though he had failed me, that he could have done more to guide me when it came to love, thus preventing me from ever leaving. Rosalie was, well, Rosalie. She felt my decision to leave had taken the focus off of her and adversely affected her life, dictating where and when she and Emmett could move on. Then there was Jasper. He had considered leaving the family all together, guilt ridden because of the paper cut that began the out of control spiral of circumstances since then. The only thing that kept him in New York was Alice. He would never have left her and she kept reassuring him it was not his fault and things would get better.

I knew by now that darkness had certainly begun to fall outside and was waiting anxiously to hear that we had been released when Jane's twin, Alec entered the room. He was smiling and his eyes were a brilliant crimson red, filled with the blood of the tourists who had marched to their end hours earlier.

"You're free to leave now," the young vampire said. "We ask that you don't linger too long in the city."

I held Bella tight and stood, along with my sister. Finally, we were near the end of what had been a torturous 24 hours in Italy.

"That won't be a problem," I said.

The young vampire smiled, nodded and bowed his head as he turned and left the room. We were free to go, but I would not feel totally free until we were on board a plane, heading to our home.

"Seguite il corridoio a destra dietro l'angolo per la prima serie di ascensori," Gianna instructed us on how to exit and bid us farewell as I helped Bella to her feet. "La lobby è di due piani in giù, e le uscite per la strada. Addio, ora"

Alice and I both put our arms around Bella in the elevator, happy to have her back in our lives and relieved that each of us would be able to start again, with each other. She leaned against my chest and put her arm around Alice's waist.

When we stepped out of the front doors of the medieval castle, revelers still filled the streets taking little notice of us. They were blissfully unaware of the stark contrast to their celebration that lay just behind the doors we had just stepped out of.

The red cloaks of the day had evolved in dark satin cloaks for the nighttime. The residents of Volterra ran through the streets with cloves of garlic strung around their necks, raising crosses in the air and displaying fake vampire teeth. So many myths and false assumptions.

"Ridiculous," I muttered.

I kept my arm snug around Bella's shoulders as Alice disappeared into the crowd to retrieve Bella's bag for her.

"Where's Alice?" she whispered, searching the immediate area for her.

I kissed her forehead and squeezed her arm. "She went to get your bags from where she stashed them this morning," I said.

She looked up at me in shock. Then her eyes grew darker and she pursed her lips. "She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?" she asked.

I smiled. Surely she knew if she stole one to get her she would be stealing one to return to the Florence airport.

"Not till we're outside the city," I reassured her.

I kept my arm around her waist and helped her along as we walked through the stone streets and alley ways, making our way back to the stone gate I had entered the city through days before. At the time I never anticipated again seeing the ancient stone walls and gates erected by the Etruscans thousands of years before.

Italy was incredibly beautiful and rich in history, art and the aroma of great food and wine. It was a place I would love to spend leisurely time along with Bella; introducing her to the artists I had spent so much time studying over the past century. However, Italy was not somewhere I planned on returning in her lifetime. I needed to keep her a safe distance from Aro and his family. Forks seemed a safe enough distance away.

We stepped through the gate where Alice was waiting for us in the shadows of the ancient walls, in a dark car with the engine running. I opened the back door for Bella and held her hand as she slid into the back seat. I followed right behind her and shut the door, resting my arm across her shoulders as she laid her head on my chest.

I couldn't find the Porsche.

"I'm sorry," Alice said, looking over her shoulder, gesturing in frustration towards the dashboard of the sedan. "There wasn't much to choose from."

I chuckled. The easy rapport between all of us was returning. Fear was subsiding and love was returning.

"It's fine," I said, patting her on the shoulder as she began to drive towards Florence. "They can't all be 911 Turbos."

"I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous," Alice sighed.

She had gone on and on about the yellow Porsche she had arrived in Volterra in. Alice was as in love with that car as I had ever seen her with anything or anyone other than Jasper. I was eternally grateful to her for offering me a second chance with Bella and I would have to find a way to offer her my own gratitude.

"I'll get you one for Christmas," I promised.

She turned to smile at me, knowing I was a man of my word. "Yellow," she instructed.

"While I was retrieving Bella's bag, I also picked up something you left behind," Alice said, handing me the journal I had hidden in the walls of the Coliseum. I reached for it and took my arm from around Bella's shoulders. I opened it to my last entry. I had meant for that to be the last entry of my existence and seeing it in my hands made me realize how deep my despair had gone and how lucky I was right here, right now. I had been on the threshold of the gates of hell and now I had heaven in my arms.

I laid the journal in my lap. I would have to revisit it one day, to remember how far I had wandered, but not here, not now. Now I put my arms around Bella and pulled her close against me. The cloak remained a barrier between us. Soon hopefully I would be lying next to her in her bed, back in Forks with the gentle sound of the rain falling against the windowpane.

"You can sleep now," I said softly, kissing her forehead again. "It's over."

She shook her head and struggled to widen her eyes. She was like a child fighting to stay awake well past their bedtime.

"I don't want to sleep," she insisted. "I'm not tired."

I lowered my lips to her ear and whispered softly. "Try."

Again, she shook her head. Why was she fighting the inevitable? She needed to sleep. She was a human that required as much. Was she afraid that if she slept the danger would return? Or, could it be she was afraid I would disappear again. I hoped that was not the case. I was overwhelmed with guilt already and knew there was very little I could do that would erase the memory of the past six months.

"You're still just as stubborn," I said.

She was stubborn. Stubborn enough to fight the urge to close her eyes and give into sleep. She remained awake as the lights of Florence began to bounce off the windshield. The final step to freedom was within our sights.

Alice parked the car along an alley way near the airport and left Bella and I there to wait on her to return with fresh clothes for me. The cloak was not out of place in Volterra, but would be very conspicuous in Florence and we needed to be as inconspicuous as possible.

"Edward," Bella whispered, still fighting to stay awake. "I…I…," she struggled to form a sentence.

"Shh," I whispered, holding her chin in my fingers. I leaned down and touched my lips to her cheek, just on the edge of her lips. I couldn't kiss her on the lips just yet. After going so long without the touch of her sweet lips against my own I was fearful I would not be able to stop and this was not the appropriate time or place.

"We will talk later, after you rest," I said.

"I don't want to sleep," she asserted.

I chuckled. "Bella, you are human. You have to sleep."

"Not now," she sighed, wrapping her arms around my waist.

Alice returned and I changed into a clean shirt and pants. It had been so long since I had that luxury. Of course they were stylish Italian threads even though she had limited time to acquire them. I had to give her credit; even in a pinch she had fantastic taste.

Our flight to Rome was short and sweet. Bella still did not sleep, but was content just to snuggle in my arms as Alice sat smugly next to her.

After we boarded our flight to Atlanta, Bella asked the stewardess for a Coke. She was doing everything in her limited human power to avoid sleep. Didn't she realize we were safe from the Volturi and I would not leave her?

"Bella," I scolded her.

Alice sat behind us on the long flight back to the U.S. and she took the opportunity to call Jasper and tell him what she had gotten into and that she would soon meet him back in Forks and we could all resume our previous lives.

Bella sipped on the coke and made her excuses.

"I don't want to go to sleep," she reminded me, as if I could forget. "If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."

I didn't argue with her. There was no arguing with her and I had to be understanding. It was because of me that she was exposed to the monsters that she now feared.

We spent the rest of the flight home saying very little to one another in the way of words. Instead we spoke to one another through our touch. We held each other, each of us taking turns touching the others face. I would kiss her eyelids and she would kiss my fingertips. Eventually the flight would end, but I knew that just meant the beginning of more intimate embraces and touches and rebuilding what I had nearly destroyed.

The final leg of our journey home from Atlanta to Seattle was a bit tenser. I didn't speak and Bella didn't sleep. Even though she had come to Italy to save me I was worried that the damage I had done would be permanent and when we returned to Forks she would resume whatever life she had built while I was away. I was worried what would happen and who would be there – who had been there for her when I had not?

"Thank you for flying with us," the pilot announced as the stewardesses opened the doorway that would lead us back to the life I had walked away from so many months before. "We hope you enjoy your flight."

We let all of the other passengers file past out before I stood and took Bella's bag out of the overhead compartment, my journal and passport tucked into the front of her bag. Alice let Bella get up and lead us out of the airplane and into the arrival area of Sea-Tac airport.

As we stepped into the guest area, there was my family, anxiously awaiting our arrival.

Jasper locked eyes with Alice and she moved quickly to his side. There were no dramatic embraces, with her jumping into his arms. Instead, they touched fingertips and intertwined their hangs, looking at each other with an understanding and appreciation I had never understood. Alice and Jasper were on an entirely different level than any couple I had ever known. Esme and Carlisle loved one another and Emmett and Rosalie loved each other as well, but Alice and Jasper were special. Carlisle created Esme and Rosalie facilitated Emmett's entry into our world. Jasper and Alice found one another. Kismet and fate brought them together. They were meant to be.

Esme and Carlisle waited for us, further back, away from the crowd. When my gaze caught my mother's, I could have sworn she was crying had I not known how impossible that was.

When Bella and I were close enough Esme reached out and pulled her tightly in her arms although I never took my arm away from her.

"Thank you so much," Esme whispered in her ear.

Then she turned to me and tilted her head to the side, remembering my face. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me as tight as she had ever hugged me before. While she had always played the role of my mother I knew when she wrapped her arms around me that there was no doubt that was exactly what she was. She was my mother and I was her son.

"You will never put me through that again," she chided me.

I smiled at her maternal order. "Sorry, Mom."

Carlisle stood behind her, smiling. There was a quiet peace about him, more than I had ever noticed before. I had a new found respect for him and all he had done to teach us a life different than that he had once known.

_Welcome home, son_.

"Thank you, Bella," Carlisle said. "We owe you."

"Hardly," Bella mumbled, biting her lip.

Esme reached over to wrap her arm around Bella's waist. "She's dead on her feet," Esme scolded me. "Let's get her home."

Carlisle, Jasper and Alice followed my mother and me as we led Bella to the parking garage where the familiar Mercedes awaited us.

As we stepped off the elevator I saw Rosalie and Emmett standing near the car and I stiffened in anger. Emmett was one thing. He could not help who his mate was, but her? The nerve she had to show her face to me. It was because of her that Bella ever ended up in Italy, directly in the path of our ruling body.

_Oh joy. The prodigal son and his human have returned. Now life can go back to normal._

"Don't," Esme said, reaching across Bella's back to grab my shirt. "She feels awful."

_Yes, I feel just awful._ Even her thoughts were laden with sarcasm and insincerity.

"She should," I said loudly enough for everyone on that level to hear me.

"It's not her fault," Bella said groggily.

_Yes, Edward. Listen to Bella. It isn't my fault. I didn't make her go to Italy._

"Let her make amends," my mother pleaded. "We'll ride with Alice and Jasper."

_Be kind, Edward_, Carlisle thought as he reached for Esme's hand.

I glared at Rosalie and she lowered her eyes. She might have felt bad, but not bad enough. I would ensure that fact.

"Please, Edward," Bella pleaded. After all she had been through and sacrificed for me how could I do anything, but give her what she wanted.

Esme, Carlisle, Jasper and Alice walked in the opposite direction towards their vehicle and Emmett and Rosalie got into the front seat of Carlisle's car. I opened the door for Bella and she slid in readily. I sat beside her and held her in my arms once again. She closed her eyes and sighed in quiet relief. She was almost home. I was almost home. I would never leave her again.

"Edward," Rosalie uttered. I _am sorry, really I am_.

"I know," I said sharply. I knew she was sorry, but I could have cared less. I didn't believe for one moment she was sorry for what she had done. If she was sorry, it was for how she was being judged.

_Well, if Edward won't listen to me I will try to talk to Bella._

"Bella?" Rosalie said softly. She wasn't getting the reaction she wanted from me so she was going a different avenue and I did not appreciate it. She was taking advantage of Bella's sleep deprivation and love for the rest of my family.

Bella opened her eyes and answered in hesitation. "Yes, Rosalie?"

"I'm so very sorry, Bella. I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me"

_Believe it or not Edward, I AM glad you are home. Now Esme and Carlisle can quit worrying about you and Jasper can stop being angry with me for endangering Alice._

That was as sorry as she would ever be and I guess I had to accept that, but I would never completely trust her again.

"Of course, Rosalie," Bella mumbled, almost inaudible even with our hearing. "It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."

Rosalie did not deserve Bella's forgiveness. She had been the one who had the most to lose because of Rosalie's mistake.

"It doesn't count until she is conscious, Rose," Emmett chuckled.

"I'm conscious," Bella muttered.

"Let her sleep," I insisted. She had gotten her forgiveness from Bella and needed to shut up. I was still not inclined to be so kind.

With that Bella's breathing slowed and finally she fell asleep. The drive back to Forks took humans three hours. Despite the slow cars we encountered as we drove past Lake Crescent we made it back to Forks and to Bella's house in an hour.

"Bella!" Charlie yelled, running out of the front door of the house as I opened the car door and reached in to lift Bella out.

_Thank God, she is home safe. I will never let her near the Cullens again. Why couldn't Edward stay away and let her heal?_

"Charlie," she mumbled as she rested against my chest.

_If I wasn't a police officer I would kill Edward Cullen_.

I deserved everything Charlie was thinking and more. He had no idea how much danger she had been in and if he did, he would kill me for sure or certainly try.

_Dude, you are in so much trouble_, Emmett thought.

"Shhh," I whispered in Bella's ear. "It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep."

Charlie stopped just in front of us and I could see his mustache twitch as he tried to control himself as much as possible for Bella's sake.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here," he bellowed at me.

"Stop it, Dad," Bella uttered, still in a sleep deprived stupor.

_Is she on drugs? What has he done to her? I will have him arrested._

"What's wrong with her?" Charlie demanded.

I understood how angry he was, but my concern was that Bella got some sleep. After she had some rest we could all sort everything out and Charlie would at least know or understand that I didn't hurt her.

"She's just very tired, Charlie," I assured him. "Please let her rest."

He reached out to grab her arm and yelled at me, "Don't tell me what to do! Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"

It was her father. I knew he would only care for her, but I was reluctant to let go of her for fear I would never know that touch again.

However, I loosened my hold, preparing to hand her to her father and his angry embrace. She clung to me as Charlie tugged at her arm.

"Cut it out, Dad," she said loudly. "Be mad at me."

There she went again, protecting me when I deserved anything but.

"You bet I will be," Charlie promised. "Get inside."

"Kay. Let me down," Bella sighed.

Reluctantly I sat her on her feet. She was barely able to stand on her own. Just as I released my hold on her and she took two steps she began to fall towards the ground. I reached out and grabbed her before that ever happened. I couldn't let her go. I scooped her up into my arms again and walked towards the front door as Charlie picked up her bag.

"Just let me get her upstairs," I said as I made my way up the front steps. "Then I'll leave."

"No," she cried low enough for Charlie not to hear, panicked, clutching my chest.

I leaned my head down and whispered in her ear. "I won't be far," I promised.

She relaxed and fell fast asleep in my arms once again. I made my way up the stairs and laid her gently onto her bed. I had to pry her fingers open from the grasp they had on me.

My eyes searched her room. So much was familiar – the rocking chair and pictures of her friends. But there was something new, a dream catcher hung from her headboard. I could only imagine what haunted her dreams that she needed a dream catcher to chase the evil spirits away.

Charlie was standing in the doorway and dropped her bag with a thud on the floor behind me.

"Goodbye, Edward," he demanded.

"I'm sorry, Charlie," I apologized as I stepped out of her doorway and descended the stairs.

I walked out the front door and got into the back of the Mercedes. As Emmett pulled away I looked up to see the light in her room go out. Hopefully Charlie would let her sleep before he laid in to her.

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**A/N: They're back together. So glad he has her back in his arms. Let me know what you think, leave me some love & please review.**

**Translation from Italian, Gianna's thoughts and her instructions**:

"_**They**__** were allowed to leave? What a shame. I had so hoped Edward would join the family and his human would be eliminated. He would have been a lovely mate." **_

"**Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators - The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now"**


	15. THE TRUTH

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight**

**A/N: Chapter beta'd by ForksPixie, Thank you!**

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Chapter 15 The Truth

Emmett pulled into the long driveway through the woods that led to the beautiful white house nested in the trees. This was home. I was finally home again. Back with my family, back in Forks and back with Bella, despite Charlie's demands I never step foot in the house again.

I hugged everyone once again and headed to my room to take a shower. It had been since Vegas that I had had the chance to really take a cleansing shower and I needed it. I needed to wash off all the bad things that had happened over the past six months. I needed to wash off the evil of the Volturi.

After I stepped out of the shower I walked over to my desk where my journals were. I picked up the latest one, the one from Italy and flipped through the pages.

I opened it to the journal entry I had written on Valentine's Day:

_I wanted an epic love, like Romeo's love for Juliet, without the tragic ending. We were Romeo and Juliet. Instead of Capulets and Montagues we were vampires and humans. Realistically we could never co-exist but I was a mystical creature, one only realized by most in fantasy. I could have my happy ending. But then again, so could Bella and in my heart, I knew her happy ending would not be with me. She deserved more._

Now I knew her happy ending could be with me. I wasn't sure how we could make it work yet, but we would. I would never leave her side for as long as she wanted me there. I would give her the happy ending she deserved and in so doing I would get my happy ending as well.

I put the journal back into my desk drawer and quickly dressed. I had somewhere I needed to be.

Charlie was sound asleep when I arrived back at the house, so I made my entrance into Bella's window. I had done it hundreds of times before, but this one was special. I was returning to my one true love and my place of comfort and peace.

I climbed in and made my way to her bedside. I leaned over her and moved errant strands of hair out of her face. She was sleeping soundly. I barely touched her lips with my finger as she slowly breathed in and out.

Then I tucked the covers around her and lay down beside her, resting my arm across the pillow in her bed.

I continued to watch her sleep soundly. She had been so tired. But her eyebrows would furrow every now and then and I wondered what was worrying her. I reached over with my fingers and brushed them across her temples, hoping the cool touch would relax her.

Suddenly she woke from her slumber.

"Oh!" she gasped, rubbing her eyes, as though she hoped to erase the sight of me next to her.

"Did I frighten you?" I whispered, worried that my desire to be near her so soon might have been too much for her.

She slowly opened her eyes and blinking them on and off, searching the immediate area for something.

"Oh, crap!" she croaked in her sleepy voice.

"What's wrong, Bella?" I asked, pulling her closer to me.

She frowned at me. Was she unhappy to see me?

"I'm dead, right?" she moaned. "I _did_ drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie."

I frowned as well. How could she not believe I was real? How could she not know that we were getting a second chance at our happily ever after?

"You're not dead," I reminded her.

"Then why am I not waking up?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"You _are_ awake Bella," I reassured her with a smile, brushing her hair off of her forehead with my fingers.

She shook her head in denial. "Sure, sure. That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. If I wake up, which I won't because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake…"she trailed off.

What about Jake? Why would she be concerned with him?

"I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare," I muttered. "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"

She grimaced in frustration with my effort at a joke, "Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."

I sighed. This seemed to be a never-ending argument with us. Heaven vs. Hell, Good vs. Evil, Romeo vs. Juliet.

Slowly she opened her eyes more and looked at me, then past me to the window I had slipped through, then back to me. She reached her had up to my face and touched it softly. Her gentle touch was something I had missed more than I ever could have acknowledged.

"Did all of that really happen, then?" she asked.

"That depends," I smiled hardly. "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."

"How strange," she said. "I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther than Albuquerque?"

I rolled my eyes and pulled her head against me. Clearly she needed more rest.

"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."

"I'm not tired anymore," she fought back. "What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"

"It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."

She pushed against my embrace and stretched like a cat waking from an afternoon nap.

"Charlie?" she asked.

Charlie was definitely going to be an obstacle to our happily ever after. He was very angry with me and had laid down the law, as it were.

"Sleeping. You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window…But, still, the intent was clear."

She looked at me in shock and I could see her ears turning red. They did that when she was angry.

"Charlie banned you from the house?" she asked in disbelief.

I was sad that it had come to this, but I could hardly blame Charlie. Bella was his only child and she had left the safety of Forks, the safety of his home, because of me.

"Did you expect anything else?" I asked.

He ears grew redder and she pursed her lips. Her eyes grew a deeper shade of brown. She was furious.

"What's the story?" she asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for…how long was I gone, anyway?" She closed her eyes and started touching her fingers to each other, counting.

"Just three days," I half smiled, hoping she had an answer. I had not taken the time to come up with a story. I had only been concerned about Bella, seeing her and holding her in my arms again. "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."

She groaned. "Fabulous."

I hugged her close again. "Well, maybe Alice will come up with something."

"So," she began. I dreaded what would come next. The questions were beginning. I had a lot to answer to. "What have you been doing, up until three days ago?"

I turned my face away, looking out the window, out into the darkness I had been roaming in for six months. I didn't want her to know everything I had been doing and all the heartache I had experienced not having her in my arms, but I felt she deserved for me to share some part of my journey with her.

"Nothing terribly exciting," I lied.

"Of course not," she mumbled. I wasn't opening up to her and she was disappointed.

"Why are you making that face?"

"Well…"she said, pursing her lips. "If you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."

I sighed in defeat. I knew I had to tell her, to convince her. "If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"

"Nightmare!" she mocked me. "Maybe," she paused. "If you tell me."

"I was…hunting." I didn't lie. It was true. I had been hunting. Hopefully she wouldn't press me any further.

"Is that the best you can do?" she criticized. "That definitely doesn't prove that I am awake."

I should have known she would push me. She was stubborn and always liked to get her way and had a way of getting exactly what she wanted from me, with the exception of immortality.

I quickly thought about how to answer her and chose my words carefully. "I wasn't hunting for food…I was actually trying my hand at…tracking. I'm not very good at it."

She raised her head and cocked it to the side. "What were you tracking?" she asked.

"Nothing of consequence," I tried to deflect.

"I don't understand," Bella said.

The last thing I wanted to do was answer her but I had to. I owed that to her.

"I –-," I took in a deep breath to gain my courage. "I owe you an apology. No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria," I tensed saying her name. I wish I had taken care of her and she was no longer a threat to Bella. "would come back. I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I paying much more attention to James' thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realize why now – she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him – that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there."

"Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice – what she saw herself – when I realized that you had to put your life in the hands of werewolves, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself"—I shook thinking of how I had endangered her. "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for—."

"Stop," she interrupted me, touching my lips with her fingers. I felt so much pain and anguish. All the guilt I had felt over the past six months was becoming more real to me, right here, as I held her. Now I had to see what she had gone through because of me.

"Edward," she said, looking down at my hand on her hip. She laid her hand on top of mine and raised her eyes to my face. "This has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this…guilt…rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. None of it is your fault; it's just part of how life is for me. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time, you have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and not your fault. I know it's your…nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle and –."

She was breathing faster, on the brink of hyperventilating and shaking. I reached over and held her arm to calm her.

"Isabella Marie Swan," I whispered, exasperated that she believed guilt was the reason I decided to go to the Volturi. Yes, I felt incredible guilt, but guilt was not what took me to Italy. "Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me because I felt guilty?"

A blank look crossed her face. She really did believe that. She seemed utterly confused. "Didn't you?" she asked.

"Feel guilty? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."

"Then…what are you saying? I don't understand."

"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead," I said softly, my eyes focused intently on hers. "Even if I'd had no hand in your death -," I shuddered, just imagining I played a role in that. "even if it wasn't my fault, I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful – I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rosalie. But, really, what was I supposed to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"

"The odds..." I murmured. My mind wandered. The possibilities of what could have been and what might have been while I was gone. "The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake. I'll never criticize Romeo again."

"But I still don't understand," she said softly, searching my eyes with hers. "That's my whole point. So what?"

"Excuse me?" I was perplexed. So what? How could she take it so casually? It was her death we were talking about.

"So what if I was dead?"

"Do you remember anything I told you before?" I asked, hoping to refresh her memory.

"I remember everything that you told me," she said with pain and disappointment in her voice. She was speaking of the last words that were said between us. The words that ended it all.

I reached out and touched her bottom lip with my finger. "Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension." I closed my eyes and shook my head, sad that she didn't understand why I did what I did, that she didn't understand that I had done what I had done out of love. "I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exist."

She reached out and touched my cheek with her hand. She looked at me with such compassion and confusion.

"I am…" she said, trying to put her words together. "Confused."

I looked into her eyes with more conviction than I had ever known. "I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."

She froze in place, unable to say a thing. I reached out for her shoulder, to shake her back into reality.

"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly," I shuddered. How could I have hurt her so badly? "That was excruciating."

She waited there, silently, waiting for me to speak.

"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye—,"

She shook her head. She was centering herself in the moment. I imagine it had to be hard for her to go back to that day. That was the most painful day of my existence, the day I had to say goodbye to her, to convince her I didn't need her, to walk away and leave her behind.

"You weren't going to let go," I whispered. "I could see that. I didn't want to do it – it felt like it would kill me to do it – but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought _I'd_ moved on, so would you."

I wasn't completely truthful in my explanation. It didn't just feel like it would kill me to do it, it truly did. It killed me inside. It destroyed who I had become thanks to Bella. I killed my hope for a happy ending.

"A clean break," she whispered, her voice tinged with pain.

"Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible – that you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry – sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry.

"But how could you believe me? After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"

I felt I had failed her, miserably. Regardless of how hard I had tried to convince her that I loved her, I felt I had done so many things wrong that she didn't know, in her heart and soul, how deeply and profoundly I loved her. I didn't do enough to let her know my truth. Instead, she believed my lie.

She was unable to answer me. Again, I wish desperate not knowing what was going through her mind.

"I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept – as if there were any way that _I_ could exist without needing _you_!"

Still, she said nothing. I grabbed her shoulder and shook her a bit. Was she in shock?

"Bella," I sighed. "Really, what were you thinking?"

Suddenly she began to cry. The tears welled up in her eyes and began to flow like a dam that had burst.

"I knew it," she sobbed. "I _knew_ I was dreaming."

"You're impossible," I laughed in frustration. "How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here and I love you. I _have_ always loved you, and I _will_ always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

Tears continue to fall from the corners of her eyes. I reached to dab them away and she shook her head.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I whispered, despondent that no matter what I said she didn't believe how much I loved her and how sincere I was. But how could I expect her to believe the truth when I had so convincingly made her believe the lie? "Why can you believe the lie but not the truth?"

"It never made sense for you to love me," she said. "I always knew that."

My jaw tightened in frustration. I wanted and needed to convince her how completely I had misled her, how wrong I had been. I believed the exact opposite. It never made sense for her to love me.

"I'll prove you're awake," I said, taking her face in my hands.

"Please don't," she whispered, closing her eyes. Her words begged me to stop, but I knew her heart wanted nothing more than for me to convince her.

I moved in closer to her, my lips nearly brushing hers.

"Why not?" I demanded, breathing in and out for her to feel my presence.

"When I wake up" — I opened my mouth to correct her. "okay, forget that one – when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."

I pulled back to look at her face. I saw fear. She was truly afraid I would walk away again and she was trying to put up a strong front, protecting herself. What kind of monster was I to so completely break her heart and her will?

"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so…hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same. I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late? Because I've hurt you too much? Because you have moved on, as I meant for you to? That would be…quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please – just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?" I whispered, hopeful she had forgiveness in her heart, hopeful I could make amends for all the pain I had caused.

"What kind of idiotic question is that?" she asked, laughing.

"Just answer it. Please," I begged. I needed to hear it. I needed to know whether I had to leave, forever, this time or stay by her side until she breathed her last breathe on this earth. That was what I wanted. All or nothing.

She stared at me, reading me before she answered.

"The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it!"

"That's all I needed to hear," I sighed. I had it all.

I took her face in my hands again and moved in to kiss her. I had missed her soft lips and the sweet taste of her on my mouth. I longed for this for months. I would have to work extra hard at being careful. I had never wanted her more since the first time she walked into the classroom and her scent overtook me.

The softness, the sweet taste and the forgiveness in her kiss reminded me how close I had come to losing her. When I called the house and heard Jacob tell me Charlie was planning a funeral, any ounce of hope I ever had of returning to her had disappeared. Then, when she appeared in the square just as I was about the step into a permanent darkness, my hope returned just as suddenly.

She reached for my face and took it in hers and we were a tangled mess of passion, desire and longing. We had both missed each other so much. There was no doubt of that in my mind. I had to control myself though. This would be a moment I could easily give in to her.

"Bella," I said her name as a prayer. I pulled away briefly to let her catch her breath. Then I moved back in, pulling her face against mine. I could not get enough of her.

She moaned and grabbed hungrily at me. I was just as hungry for her touches, but I knew I had to pull away before I lost my control.

I pulled back and lowered my head to her chest, resting against her heart. The sound of the thrumming of her heart was the most comforting sound I had ever heard. It brought me peace and contentment. Her heartbeat was my touchstone.

"By the way," I said with conviction. "I'm not leaving you."

She didn't say a word. I couldn't figure whether she was still in shock from our passionate embrace or whether she still could not believe me.

I lifted her face to mine, to look me in the face, to see my sincerity.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you," I promised. "I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I could see what I was doing to you – keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do something, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only you could be more important than what I wanted…what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay – thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."

"Don't promise me anything," she said softly with a hard edge. The edge was her protective mechanism.

I was angry. What did I need to do to convince her I was sincere? "You think I am lying to you now?"

"No – not lying." She shook her head, trying to convince me of her point of view. "You could mean it…now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"

I shuddered, remembering that fateful day, the birthday party that changed everything. I could never erase that memory for me, or for her, no matter how hard I tried.

"It isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it?" She was soft spoken, but her words were harsh, stabbing me deeply. She was right and I deserved everything she was saying to me. "You'll end up doing what you think is right."

"I'm not as strong as you give me credit for," I shook my head in disbelief. "Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour. It was a matter of time – and not much of it – before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that," I was serious. Whatever she demanded of me to make her believe me, I would do it.

She grimaced. "Be serious, please."

"Oh, I am," I glared at her. "Will you please try to hear what I am telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"

I stopped talking and stared long and hard at her face, to make sure she was listening, that she was hearing me.

"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason…And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

She looked at me with sadness. Was it possible she still didn't believe me?

"Your eyes will adjust," she mumbled.

"That's just the problem – they can't," I responded.

"What about your distractions?" she asked sarcastically. She was trying very hard to emit strength to me, to protect her heart. She didn't believe that protecting her heart was all _I_ wanted to do.

I laughed at the absurdity of what she said. My distractions? There were no distractions in the world that could make me forget the love of my life.

"Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the …the agony. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone – like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."

I was opening up completely to her, letting her in on the pain I had endured without her, although I was realizing she had endured a pain of her own.

"That's funny," she muttered.

I was perplexed. "Funny?"

"I meant strange – I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing too. I haven't been able to really breathe in so long." She took a deep breath in, like I did when I took her scent deep within my lungs. That intake of breathe made her body shake as if it had lived so long without the experience. "And my heart. That was definitely lost."

I lay my head against her heart once again, comforting myself with the thrum of what had become my own heartbeat. She laid her head against mine, holding me close to her.

"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?" she asked.

"No," I sighed. "That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."

"What does that mean?" she asked.

"It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with…Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil – and really she came here." I groaned. She had no idea how many times she was within my grasp, only to slip through my fingers. "I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears—."

"You were hunting _Victoria_?" she gasped, nearly loud enough to stir Charlie from his sleep.

"Not well," I admitted. "But I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."

"That is…out of the question," she asserted. There was fierceness in her eyes, as though she were protecting me.

"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after—," I said as Bella cut me off.

"Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" She _had_ heard me. She _had_ heard my pledge. "That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"

I frowned and growled in disappointment. Yes, I promised never to leave her again, but I also promised to protect her. I still had to do that. "I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria is going to die soon." I was committed to that as much as I was committed to Bella.

"Let's not be hasty," Bella said. "Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."

She was right. Victoria wasn't the only danger lurking in the woods surrounding Forks.

"It's true. The werewolves are a problem."

She snorted in amusement. "I wasn't talking about Jacob. My problems are a lot worse than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble."

What on earth could be more worrisome than werewolves who had no control over their emotions and reactions?

"Really?" I asked, inquisitively. I wanted to know what in the world Bella considered to be more dangerous than Jake and his pack. "Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"

"How about the second greatest?" she teased.

"All right," I said, hoping she would tell me what was so frightening.

She took a deep breath and swallowed hard. "There are others who are coming to look for me," she reminded me in a whisper. I knew exactly what direction she was headed.

"The Volturi are only the _second_ greatest?" I asked.

"You didn't seem that upset about it," she noted.

"Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again," She had to know that I would protect her when the time came and Alice would always warn us before anything would happen. She needn't worry about this now.

Bella clenched her jaw and her eyes grew large. She propped herself up on one elbow and glared at me.

"You don't have to be afraid," I said as tears began to stream down her face again. Why? Why was she crying? Having sisters did me no good when it came to understanding the emotions of a human girl. "I won't let them hurt you," I promised.

"While you're here," she said sarcastically.

I reached out and took her face in my hands once again. I looked deep and hard into her eyes, as if the harder I stared into them the more likely she was to believe my promise.

"I will never leave you again," I promised.

"But you said thirty," she whispered as though it were a bad word. The harder she clenched her teeth, the more easily the tears flowed down her cheeks. "What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right?"

She was angry at me. I knew she had every right to be angry with me, for so many reasons, but not for this. I was protecting her. I promised I would never leave her and I meant that. She would have to take her last breath on this earth before I ever went anywhere and when she did breathe that last breath, I would be cradling her in my arms.

"That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."

"Is this really…" she started. She kept her head low and searched around with her eyes, for words that were eluding her.

"Yes?" I encouraged her to continue.

"But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your grandmother?" She looked sick to her stomach when she asked the question.

I leaned in to her and softly kissed her tears from her cheeks. The salty taste of the tears was another taste and sensation I never wanted to forget.

"That doesn't mean anything to me," I said, breathing softly against her face, my lips lingering near her earlobe. "You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course…" I hesitated, because I still needed to give her an option out, if that was what she needed. "If you outgrew _me_ – if you wanted something more – I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."

This was something I had thought long and hard about, before I left Bella, and in my time hunting Victoria, when I knew I wanted to return to her. There could always be that possibility that she would no longer want me in her life as she grew older and saw all the things she would miss.

"You do realize I'll die eventually, right?" she quipped.

I already had an answer. She could not catch me off guard.

"I'll follow after you as soon as I can," I answered.

"That is seriously…" she pursed her lips and glared at me. "Sick."

"Bella, it's the only right way left-."

"Let's just back up for a minute," she said. The tears had dried up and she had a new resolve. "You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm thirty" – she hissed the word that seemed to have only negative connotations to her. "do you really think they'll forget?"

"No," I acknowledged, shaking my head. "They won't forget. But…"

"But?" She snapped.

I grinned at her. She had no idea how much thought I had given to every possibility, how much thought I always gave to every single thing. After all, I had plenty of time to contemplate the finer points in life.

"I have a few plans," I said.

"And these plans," she said pointedly at me. "These plans all center around me staying human."

"Naturally," Why on earth would she think I would consider anything else? She might have believed there were other options, but there were no other ones as far as I was concerned.

She stared at me and I stared at her, silently resolved in our beliefs.

Then she pushed my arms away from her and sat up in the bed.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked. I wouldn't leave unless it was what she wanted and what she asked for, but it seemed that was precisely what she wanted.

"No," I answered, "I'm leaving."

I was confused, trying to figure out what she was doing, as she fumbled through the dark bedroom, searching for something.

"May I ask where you are going?"

"I'm going to your house," she answered, still stumbling in the dark.

I rose from the bed and moved to her side. "Here are your shoes," I said, handing her Chuck Taylors to her. "How did you plan to get there?"

"My truck." she answered firmly.

I had to convince her otherwise, to get her back into the bed. The last thing she needed to do was disappear from the house once again. Charlie would restrict Bella's movement like never before. Not only would I not be allowed to step foot in her house, but she wouldn't be allowed to step foot outside of it.

"That will probably wake Charlie," I argued.

She sighed, giving me hope that she saw my point of view. "I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"

She clearly had no idea.

"None," I answered, hoping my latest argument would deter her. "He'll blame me, not you."

"If you have a better idea, I'm all ears," she said, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Stay here," I begged her.

"No dice. But you go ahead and make yourself at home," she chided me. She had a new spunk and determination I hadn't seen before. She got up from the bed, where she had sat down to slip on her shoes and moved for the door.

I quickly made my way to the door, to block her.

She frowned and patted me on the chest before turning towards the window.

"Okay," I sighed. "I'll give you a ride."

I might as well have given in to her. She was determined to go one way or another and I was not going to let her leave without me. I had just held her again and wasn't ready to let go.

She shrugged. "Either way. But you probably should be there, too."

"And why is that?" I quipped.

"Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."

Air my views? What did she have up her sleeve?

"My views on which subject?" I asked, clenching my teeth.

"This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know." Did she really believe I thought I was the center of the universe? She was the center of my universe, of every universe. She was the moon and the stars. I was nothing compared to her. I was only lucky enough to exist in her world. "If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."

"A say in what?" I asked, enunciating each and every word. I was certain I was not going to care for her answer.

"My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."

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**A/N: You see that little button below with the green letters? It's the review button, click that!**


	16. VOTE

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**

**A/N: Thank you to my beta ForksPixie**

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Chapter 16 VOTE

I was going to appease her and take her to put her mortality to a vote. I knew my family, rather, I knew their loyalty to me and this subject had come up before. They knew exactly how I felt about it. I needed her to understand that whatever I said was also being said by them.

I scooped her in my arms and leapt from her bedroom window to the ground below. She let out a slight gasp and squeezed her arms around my neck a little tighter.

"All right then," I said with disapproval in my voice. "Up you go."

It felt so good having her on my back again as I ran through the night, her arms wrapped around my neck as though she were a passenger on a motorcycle. I took it easy on her and ran a little slower than normal. After all, it had been a while since she had run with a vampire. And it had been a while since I felt her chin resting on my shoulder, cheek nestled against my jaw. I glanced just once over my shoulder at her and saw her eyes were open, taking in the forest that led to my house. She was unafraid – of anything.

She noticed me peeking at her and pressed her lips against my neck. The soft warmth of her lips against my skin was one of the most comforting feelings I had ever known.

"Thank you," I said. "Does that mean you've decided you're awake?"

She laughed and I smiled. Our exchanges were the same as they always were, witty and sharp. We fit together like an old pair of leather gloves that were broken in just right.

"Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight," she said softly in my ear, squeezing her arms tighter against my chest and pressing her face closer against mine.

"I'll earn your trust back," I promised her. "If it's my final act."

"I trust _you_," she said assuredly. "It's _me_ I don't trust."

"Explain that, please," I slowed my pace to a walk as I saw the house nearby.

"Well," she stammered on her words. "I don't trust myself to be…enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could _hold_ you."

I gently pulled her from my back and stood her on the ground in front of me. I held her face in my hands and traced her neckline down to her shoulders, then slid my hands down her arms and wrapped them around her waist, pulling her close to me, in a tight embrace.

"Your hold is permanent and unbreakable," I whispered to her. "Never doubt that."

It was clear I had done so much damage to her psyche. Before her birthday she trusted me completely. Now she couldn't believe a single word I said to her. I secretly wished my power was one that could erase all of her painful memories, that I could go back in time to our times in the meadow and have that be the resounding memory she held.

"You never did tell me…" I murmured.

"What?" she asked, looking up at me as if she were memorizing my face, afraid I would disappear on her again.

"What your greatest problem is."

"I'll give you one guess," she teased, reaching up and touching the tip of my nose with her finger.

"I'm worse than the Volturi," I nodded. She was right. There was no way around that. The pain I had put her through was something I would have to work extra hard to replace with love and trust. "I guess I've earned that."

She rolled her eyes at me like she always did when I became too self-deprecating. "The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."

I stared at her, waiting for her to explain further. What could be worse than being killed by sadistic vampires?

"You can leave me," she explained. "The Volturi, Victoria…they're nothing compared to that."

Her words stung and I felt as though I had been punched in the gut by Emmett. I was unsure if I could ever gain her trust again, ever convince her that the only place I ever wanted to be for the rest of her life, was by her side.

"Don't," she whispered, reaching to hold my cheek in her hand. "Don't be sad."

I tried to offer a smile, to keep from revealing how painful her words were. They were painful because I knew I had done that to her. I had hurt her worse than I ever imagined possible.

"If there was only some way to make you see that I can't leave you. Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you."

It was true. It wasn't that I wanted to stay with her forever so much as I had to. I knew I had to be near her, with her. I knew that for a long time, but when she came to me in the vision at the Kiva it was clear we had a bond that most people only dream of.

"Okay," she said in agreement, wrapping her arms around my back and pressing her face against my chest.

It was quiet for several moments, the only sounds were those of her beating heart that resounded in my chest, the nocturnal residents of the forest and the faint murmurings of my family back in the white house, our home.

"So – since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?" she asked.

I laughed. I cannot believe she truly thought I would take her things from her. "Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders. It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets – they're all under your floorboards."

She looked up at me with her mouth agape, eyes wide. "_Really_?"

Her childlike astonishment, her gullibility amused me. She had made everything I did so easy, which made what I had done that much more wrong.

I nodded and smiled at the pleasure of seeing the Bella I knew before I left. I still knew I had done so much damage and had so much work left to do to regain her trust in me, but at least she was comfortable with me again.

"I think," she said slowly. "I'm not sure, but I wonder…I think maybe I knew it the whole time."

"What did you know?" I asked, shaking my head in confusion.

"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."

I was confused. She had heard voices? What were the voices saying to her? "Voices?" I asked.

"Well, just one voice," she explained. "Yours. It's a long story."

I had hurt her so profoundly that she hadn't been able to move on without me? After all, that was why I left, in hope that she could have a happy life. Hearing my voice clearly did not indicate a happy life.

"I've got time," I answered.

She shuffled her feet in the dirt, looking down at them. She was trying to gain courage.

"It's pretty pathetic," she said.

I waited patiently, quietly for her to explain.

"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?" she asked, looking up at me. Her eyes seemed to plead with me to understand, without her having to explain in more detail.

"You jumped off a cliff for fun?" I asked.

She looked back down at the ground and held her arms behind her back. "Err, right. And before that, with the motorcycle –."

"Motorcycle?" I grumbled.

"I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part."

"No."

"Well, about that…See, I found that…when I was doing something dangerous or stupid…I could remember you more clearly," she confessed, never looking me in the eye. "I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me. Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much – it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt."

"And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because, underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."

It was true. I never stopped loving her. I actually loved her more and more each day I was away from her, realizing how completely she and I were intertwined. Maybe that is why I heard her. Because she had never stopped loving me.

"You…were…risking your life…to hear -."

"Shhh," she interrupted me, putting her finger to her lips. She closed her eyes for a moment to concentrate. "Hold on a second. Think I'm having an epiphany here."

She stood there, eyes closed, finger against her lips, humming in agreement to something. I stood there, in front of her, in total emotional darkness. I had no idea what was going through her mind.

"Oh!" she exclaimed.

"Bella?"

"Oh. Okay. I see."

"Your epiphany?" I asked for clarity.

"You love me," she said in total amazement, as though it had just occurred to her. How could she have ever doubted my love for her? I had never ever loved anyone, not even my parents, as completely as I had Bella.

I smile formed across my lips. Hearing her tell me she knew I loved her was a powerful thing. "Truly, I do."

I reached out for her hand and pulled her to me. She looked up at me and smiled and I took her face in my hands. I took a deep breath and leaned down to her, pressing my lips against hers. The taste of her lips was something I had missed so very much. I could kiss her forever and hoped she would let me. I was lost in her kiss, her scent and her touch. I found myself digging my fingers into her hair, pushing her mouth harder against mine. I felt myself crossing a line I knew I couldn't cross and pulled away from her.

"You were better at it than I was, you know," I told her, pressing my forehead against hers.

"Better at what?"

"Surviving. You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie, and followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was…totally useless. I couldn't be around my family – I couldn't be around anyone. I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me," I confessed to her, grinning from the vulnerability I felt at revealing my truth. "It was much more pathetic than hearing voices. And, of course, you know I do that, too."

She smiled back at me and took my hand in hers.

"I only heard one voice," she told me.

I laughed and wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her close to me and began walking with her to the house.

"I'm just humoring you with this," I said, motioning with my hand towards the house I knew she could not yet see. "It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say."

I knew my family understood completely how I felt about Bella and her soul and not doing anything to compromise her journey to heaven. Alice was the only one I was unsure of. She was more stubborn than Bella. Since the day she met her she loved her almost as much as I did and shared some sort of connection with her. Alice was the wild-card in the deck, but I had faith in the rest of the family to vote against Bella's request to become one of us.

"This affects them now, too," she said.

I shrugged it off. I really was just appeasing her. I would be with her forever, but the forever I had in mind had an expiration date.

I led her up the front steps and through the front door. The living room was dark, but I knew everyone was home. I flipped on the lights and saw the room, just as it was when I had left it six months before. My piano sat there, calling to me. Once again I felt the songs working inside of me and I knew I would soon sit down and compose new music that reflected the journey I had just taken to the brink of hell and back again to my heaven, to my Bella.

"Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?" I called out.

My father was the first to appear, right at Bella's side, giving her a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Welcome back, Bella," he said as calmly and comfortably as if the past six months hadn't happened. "What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely social visit?"

He had no idea. Bella was prone to moments of drama if it was to drive home a point she wanted to make, but this was her biggest stage yet.

She nodded and patted him on the back. "I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."

Carlisle shot a quick glance in my direction. _She seems very determined, I wonder what this about._

I looked at him with all the resolve I was feeling at the moment. I was determined to get my way, regardless of how confident Bella was in my family's love for her. She didn't understand that they, like me, loved her enough to fight for her mortality.

"Of course," Carlisle said. "Why don't we talk in the other room?"

He led us into the dining room, where our last sit-down meeting, preceded our departure from Forks after Bella's eighteenth birthday party.

Carlisle led Bella to the head of the table and pulled out his chair for her to sit in. He was going to great lengths to placate her.

Bella took her seat and Carlisle sat to her right. I took my place to her left and the rest of the family filed into the room. Their thoughts were curious as to why we were all convening here.

Esme always the mother and worried about Bella, glanced at me. _Edward, she's so thin, I wonder if she'll stay long enough for me to prepare her something to eat._

They all took their seats at the table, Alice grinning like a Cheshire cat, knowing precisely what this meeting was about.

_I swear, I had no idea Edward_.

I rolled my eyes at my sister. I was not buying what she was selling.

Carlisle nodded in Bella's direction. "The floor is yours."

She swallowed so deep and hard we all heard it. She was a warrior when she believed in something, but under all of her bravado was still a scared little girl who needed to be looked after. While I didn't agree with her motives I was still here to support her and reached for her hand under the table to give her strength to make her speech. At the same time, I looked in the eyes of every single member of my family so they were clear on my feelings on the whole matter when she made her request.

"Well," Bella began. "I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"

"Everything," Alice smiled.

Of course she had told everyone everything and I was certain she told them everything with her own little spin on things.

_This should be her choice, Edward._

I glared at my sister. She absolutely, positively knew my stance on this whole matter and for her to encourage Bella was nearly unforgiveable, if I didn't love her so much-.

Bella looked at Alice and nodded her head. "And on the way?"

On the way? What had I missed? Alice had clearly kept her thoughts to herself in order to keep me in the dark on something and I knew, whatever it was, had given Bella hope enough to call this meeting.

"That too," Alice nodded at Bella, avoiding my accusatory glare.

"Good," Bella sighed. "Then we're all on the same page."

I squeezed her hand inadvertently. I wasn't on the same page at all.

"So, I have a problem," Bella began. "Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing – something to avoid."

_Perfect! She is nothing but trouble. She has been nothing but trouble since the first day she walked into Edward's classroom, _Rosalie thought_._

I glared at Rosalie, did she think I actually forgave her for her mistake. She had so much to answer to. And I still believed her apology earlier was nothing more than a way to make her self feel better for what she had done. I turned to look at Bella as she continued her speech.

"And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that." Bella took the time to look at each and every one of my family members with great care and consideration before she locked eyes with me. I was very unhappy. Unhappy with Bella's request, unhappy with Alice, unhappy about the entire situation. "But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."

I hoped that was the key. I hoped that it was just Alice willing to give Bella immortality. I hoped that the rest of my family knew better than to doom her to the life we had been sentenced to.

Esme began to speak and Bella held up her finger to stop her.

"Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too. I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then…I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have _them_ coming _here_," she finished.

I saw the anguish on her face when she said that. I had no doubt she would do just that, return to Italy to face the Volturi with both feet planted firmly on the ground. But I also saw that was the very last thing she wanted to have to do.

I let out a low growl, displeased that she was pulling out every trick in the books to get my family to go against my wishes.

"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire."

She smiled; pleased with the courage she had mustered to make the request, knowing how unhappy it made me. She gestured to my father to vote first. I hoped he would be the first voice of reason.

"Just a minute," I interrupted before anyone had a chance to answer.

Bella glared at me and I raised my eyebrows at her, squeezing her hand under the table. If she insisted on being heard, then she knew I had to be heard as well.

"I have something to add before we vote," I said.

Bella let out an exasperated sigh. She had seen the finish line and now I was throwing up a detour sign.

"About the danger Bella's referring to," I added. "I don't think we need to be overly anxious."

_Of course you don't. You are blissfully unaware of the danger you put each and every one of us in for this impossible romance._

I ignored Rosalie's thoughts and leaned forward on the table with my free arm.

"You see," I explained, looking at each one of them, making sure they heard what I was saying, "there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in." I smiled, knowing I had seen what Alice had failed to.

"Which was?" Alice prodded. The smug grin that had been on her face as Bella began had disappeared almost entirely.

"The Volturi are overconfident, and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem. Do you remember Demetri?" I looked down at Bella.

She shuddered and I knew she remembered the scarier things about Italy it seemed she had wiped from her memory.

"He finds people – that's his talent, why they keep him."

"Now the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible. So I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker – a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was. His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches…the flavor? I don't know how to describe it…the tenor…of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances."

"But after Aro's little experiments, well…" I shrugged. I was confident I was convincing each of them the Volturi were no threat to us and I didn't believe they were.

"You think he won't be able to find me," Bella said, half asking, half telling herself I was right. And she knew that made her argument less effective.

I was confident. "I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."

_That is a weak assumption Edward. Why not just go ahead and change her and eliminate all chances of the Volturi coming here?_ Alice thought.

"And how does that solve anything?" Bella asked.

"Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless," I said with fervor. "It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"

_I like the way you think, brother. Get them here, hide Bella and I get to pick a fight. Oh how the mighty will fall_, Emmett thought.

Bella blasted another parting shot over the bow. "But they can find you," she said.

"And I can take care of myself," I reminded her.

_Fight, fight, fight_, Emmett thought as he reached across the table to give me a fist bump.

"Excellent plan, my brother," Emmett said enthusiastically.

"No," Rosalie hissed, slapping Emmett on his leg.

"Absolutely not," Bella agreed with her. She didn't understand Rosalie was not a partner. Rosalie was protesting out of purely selfish reasons. She didn't want to risk losing Emmett.

"Nice," Jasper smirked. He liked the idea of a fight as much as Emmett. He was just more realistic in the matter and was waiting to see how things played out.

"Idiots," Alice muttered, crossing her arms across her chest.

While I was enjoying the brotherly support I was getting, feeling I was ensuring their vote against Bella's mortality I saw my mother glaring at me.

_Edward that is simply not an acceptable solution. No one needs to be hurt. No one needs to suffer. I nearly lost you and I can't bear the weight of that kind of worry again. Think of me, of Alice, of Rosalie, of your Bella. You would have each of us sacrifice someone we love when it is not necessary?_

Bella pulled back on my hand and straightened up in her seat. She realized I was taking control of the matter and she was not pleased.

"All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider," she said with great self-assurance. "Let's vote."

I was surprised. She turned to me first. But that was a stroke of luck I guessed. I hoped as I voted, so would the rest of the family.

"Do you want me to join your family?" she asked.

I looked at her with all the resolve and conviction I had. "Not that way. You're staying human."

Bella looked at me for the briefest of moments, and then turned her glance to a more receptive member of the family.

"Alice?" she asked.

_Sorry, Edward. You know how I feel._

"Yes," she said gleefully, practically bouncing up and down in her seat.

"Jasper?"

"Yes," he said in a resigned tone. Surely he was voting in line with Alice. After all, he had to spend eternity with her. But then he looked at me to give an explanation.

_Edward, it would resolve so many problems, including another event like her birthday._

"Rosalie?"

This was one vote I was sure to get on my side.

"No."

Bella turned to ask for the next vote, but Rosalie held her hands up and begged to be heard. She couldn't even do something like vote yes or no without a scene.

"Let me explain," she begged. "I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister. It's just that…this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."

_Believe it not Edward, I do not hate Bella. As a human, she is a liability to you, to me, to the whole family. Life for all of us would be easier if she was like us, but I can't agree with that._

Bella remained silent, squeezing my hand and turning to Emmett for his verdict.

"Hell, yes!" he grinned. "We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."

His vote surprised me. I thought he would certainly go along with Rosalie and based on the look she shot him when he said yes; he would pay for it later.

Confident she was winning the battle, Bella smiled widely and turned to Esme.

"Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family."

Well, that shot my hopes all to hell. Carlisle was my last hope. In the end, his decision would out way everyone else's.

"Thank you, Esme," Bella said as she turned to my father in anticipation of his vote.

He looked at me and lowered his eyes. I knew his vote would be in Bella's favor and could not understand how he, of all of them, could go against my wishes. He knew precisely how I felt on a deeper level than any of the rest ever would.

"Edward," he said, voice breaking.

"No," I said defiantly as if my command would will him to answer differently.

"It's the only way that makes sense," my father reasoned. "You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."

With that, my hopes were dashed and Bella's were lifted. I dropped her hand and pushed myself away from the table. Everyone looked at me with shock.

"I guess you know my vote," Carlisle sighed.

Bella looked at me, her eyes saddened that getting her way caused me so much pain.

I ran out of the room, but I could hear her offer her thanks to Carlisle for his vote.

I smashed lamps and pottery from the mantle place in the living room against the walls. I was seething with anger. I was angrier with this vote than I had been the day of the paper cut. Jasper couldn't help when that happened. But tonight, here at the table, they all had a choice and only Rosalie made the proper one.

Through my anger and fury, I heard Bella ask Alice when she would change her. I didn't care what she voted, what any of them voted, this was still in my control and it was not going to happen. I ran into the dining room, in an instant rage.

"No! No! NO!" I bellowed. I was bending over Bella like a lion over his prey. I didn't want to have to intimidate her into seeing the light, but I would do it if I must. "Are you insane?" I screamed. "Have you utterly lost your mind?"

Bella threw her hands over her ears and cringed in fear, moving away from me.

"Um, Bella," Alice interjected anxiously. "I don't think I'm _ready_ for that. I'll need to prepare…"

"You promised," Bella accused her.

"I know, but…Seriously, Bella! I don't have any idea how to _not_ kill you."

"Which is precisely why this whole idea is improper," I snarled. "That is just not a chance I am willing to risk. I thought I lost Bella once. I will not risk that again."

Bella ignored me and focused on Alice.

"You can do it," she encouraged. "I trust you."

I snapped my teeth together and snarled in fury. Why weren't any of them listening to me? Why weren't they hearing me?

Alice shook her head quickly, now in fear of having to do exactly what she had obviously promised Bella.

"Carlisle?" Bella asked, turning to my father.

I reached out with one hand and grabbed Bella's face, turning it to look at me. I extended my other palm to Carlisle, to stop him from saying one word. However, as with Bella, with Alice, and with the rest of my family, he ignored my protest.

"I'm able to do it," he said calmly to Bella. "You would be in no danger of me losing control."

_I am sorry, Edward. This is inevitable. You set the wheels in motion when you chose to return. She cannot live in our world as a human and you cannot live in her world without risk to others._

"Sounds good," Bella muttered defiantly through her teeth while I continued to hold her jaw.

"Hold on," I said, grasping at last straws. "It doesn't have to be now."

That was the key. Since they were all resigned to make it happen all I had to do was buy enough time to convince Bella, or my family that my way would work.

"There's no reason for it not to be now," Bella argued.

"I can think of a few," I answered.

"Of course you can," she said bitingly. "Now let go of me."

I let go of her face and folded my arms across my chest. I was being a bully and that was not who I was. I had spent enough time on this earth to learn better bartering skills. I resented being brought down to the level of physically asserting myself.

"In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."

"All three of them," she answered snarly.

She paused to consider what I said. Why hadn't I thought of that to begin with? I should have played the dad card earlier. She was still his daughter and no matter how much she loved me, she would never want to hurt Charlie.

"In the interest of remaining inconspicuous," I said through my gritted teeth, directing myself towards Carlisle, "I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school and moves out of Charlie's house."

"That's a reasonable request, Bella," Carlisle said.

Finally, I was getting somewhere. Finally, he was the voice of reason I had hoped for.

Bella pouted and pursed her lips. I was getting the edge and she was going to have to accept a defeat, minor as it were.

"I'll consider it," she said.

I unclenched my teeth and dropped my hands to my side. She wouldn't listen to me, but she would listen to Carlisle.

"I should probably take you home," I said. "Just in chase Charlie wakes up early."

That, AND getting her out of here where she had a captive audience.

"After graduation?" she asked Carlisle.

"You have my word," he promised. I knew he meant it too. When Carlisle made a promise, he did everything in his power to stick to it. Now I just needed to use the time I had to convince Bella to wait longer, or give up on the idea entirely.

She took a deep breath, relishing in her minor victory and turned to me.

"Okay. You can take me home."

Before any further promises could be made I scooped her up and left out the back door of the house, avoiding the debris field I left behind in my rampage in the living room.

It was a fast trip back to her house and a silent one. She was relishing in her victory and I was sulking in my defeat. I also wanted to get her back into her bed before Charlie woke up and missed her. She was already in enough trouble.

As soon as I got her through her window, I took her arms from around my neck and laid her on her bed. I paced back and forth, contemplating a counter-argument.

She sat on the bed, watching me pace back and forth. With a grimace on her beautiful face.

"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work."

"Shh. I'm thinking," I hushed her.

"Ugh," she groaned, with exaggeration, throwing herself back onto her bed, pulling the covers over her head.

I hated this. I hated the arguing and the never-ending battle we were embarking on. I just wanted to hold her, to love her and to relish every moment I had with her.

I stopped my plotting and slipped into the bed next to her, pulling the blanket from her face so I could look at her, touching her face as I moved her hair from her forehead.

"If you don't mind, I'd much rather you didn't hide your face," I said softly. "I've lived without it for as long as I can stand. Now…tell me something."

"What?" she asked with an edgy resolve still lingering in her words.

"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"

She looked at me with puzzled eyes. "You."

I shook my head. She needed to give the right answer, without me explaining it to her. That was the only way my plan would work.

"Something you don't already have," I said.

She quietly contemplated my question and waiting several minutes before giving me an answer I knew she had carefully considered.

"I would want…Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want _you_ to change me."

Now we were talking. Now that my family wasn't here to give her more courage I could reason with her. We could make a deal. She wanted something and so did I. I knew there would be a way we could come to a reasonable compromise that maintained her humanity.

"What would you be willing to trade for that?" I asked.

He jaw dropped in shock. She seemed as though she had expected the rage I displayed earlier. However, I had time to plan a counter-attack and was much more in control of my emotions now.

"Anything," she said so quickly it seemed to come with little control on her part.

I fought back the wide smile that was forming on my lips. Now I could start bartering her humanity.

"Five years?" I asked.

The excitement that filled her voice when she answered 'anything' quickly faded. Now she knew she would not get something for nothing and she was not pleased.

"You said anything," I reminded her. I also knew Bella, like my father, was a person of her word.

"Yes, but…you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human – for me, at least. So, anything but _that_."

She was right. I would use whatever time I could get her to agree to, to my advantage. I had a lot longer time to practice patience than Bella had and I knew, in the end, I would win.

I frowned, knowing I had to make a counter offer. "Three years?"

"No!" she asserted.

"Isn't it worth anything to you at all?" I asked.

She was trying hard to keep from revealing her game plan and showed no emotion when she offered her counter-argument. "Six months?"

I rolled my eyes. "Not good enough."

"One year then," she offered. "That's my limit."

"At least give me two."

"No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere _near_ twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."

It was a ridiculous argument. Regardless of the appearance of my body, I hadn't been a teenager in a very long time. She didn't realize that age really was just a number and one year or two was not going to make her older than I was.

"All right," I said. "Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one – then you'll just have to meet one condition."

"Condition?" she asked tentatively. "What condition?"

I knew the moment I decided to return to Forks, before I ever thought Bella had died what I wanted. When I saw her for the first time in months, in Italy, realizing I hadn't died, I knew what I wanted. Now was the time to lay my cards on the table.

I had never been more scared in all my years as I was at that moment. I looked into her eyes, hoping to gain the courage I needed. I took a deep breath and asked. "Marry me first."

She stared at me, her expression unchanging. I believe a smile crossed her face. "Okay. What's the punch line?"

I sighed. She had completely and utterly ruined my proposal of marriage, my offer of forever.

"You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it's a joke."

"Edward, please be serious," she said, lightly punching me in the arm.

"I am one hundred percent serious," I said, looking deep into her eyes, hoping she could see my sincerity. I hoped she could somehow see that I was offering her what she wanted, forever. I was trying to show her we could have forever, without her sacrificing her soul.

"Oh c'mon," she giggled nervously. "I'm only eighteen."

"Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."

She turned her gaze away from me, over my shoulder and out her window, into the darkness. Again, I was frustrated not knowing her thoughts. Did she not want to marry me because she still feared that I would leave her? Was she finding the courage to tell me she didn't trust my love for her? She had to give me an answer, one way or another.

"Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of like the kiss of death for Renee and Charlie."

"Interesting choice of words," I pointed out. She was so ready to give up her physical life, but not her emotional one. I needed her to understand I was a man of conviction. If I promised her forever, that meant until her heart stopped beating. Even if it was another 90 years and her physical appearance aged, my heart would only grow fonder of her, more devoted to her. Whether I had 90 years of 3,000 years with her I would make the most of every moment I had with her. However, I was not willing to damn her to hell.

"You know what I mean," she quipped.

I took a deep breath. I really didn't think this question would make things more difficult than they already were.

"Please don't tell me that you're afraid of commitment," this didn't make any sense; she wanted a forever as a vampire and that was the ultimate commitment.

"That's not it exactly," she began to explain. "I'm…afraid of Renee. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."

"Because she'd rather you become one of the eternal damned than get married," I laughed sarcastically.

"You think you're joking," she said.

"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a marital union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire…" I shook my head in frustration and disappointment. "If you're not brave enough to marry me, then –."

"Well," she interrupted, pulling herself closer to me. "What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"

This was what I had missed. I missed our bantering. Each of us always believing we were ahead of the other. She kept me on my toes and I her.

"Sure," I said, calling her on her bluff. "I'll get my car."

"Damnit," she muttered in defeat. "I'll give you eighteen months."

"No deal," I grinned, wrapping my arm around her waist. "I like _this_ condition."

"Fine. I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate."

I shrugged. I knew I had a deal. I knew that she wanted me to change her more than anything. She admitted it to me and no matter what she said to the contrary, I knew the truth.

"If that's what you really want."

"You're impossible," she moaned, slapping my arm and pushing herself away in fake anger. "A monster."

I laughed. "Is that why you won't marry me?"

She groaned again.

I placed my hand on her waist and gently pulled her towards me again, our knees touching each other, my face inches from hers. I looked deep into her eyes and brushed her hair back with my fingers. "Please, Bella?"

She shook her head and gasped for air.

"Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?"

I had to ask the question, but I knew Bella well enough to know she was not about superficial things. Bella wanted the things in life that could not be held in one's hand or counted on one's fingers. She wanted what could be felt in the soul and heard with the heart.

"No! No rings!" she protested loudly enough that Charlie began to stir.

"Now you've done it," I whispered.

"Oops," she said.

"Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave," I said in resignation. I never, never wanted to leave her side again. I meant that. Even for a couple of hours, I wanted to remain with her. I felt the loss as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

"No," she whispered, holding on tightly to my shirt. "Stay. Please."

I wrapped my fingers around hers and pried them loose from my shirt as I climbed out of the bed. She felt the same way. I quickly leaned over and kissed her softly on the forehead before I disappeared out the window in time for Charlie to come into her room.

I sat in the tree outside her window and listened to Bella and Charlie.

She told her version of her three day vacation, how she had cliff jumped. I cringed when I heard Charlie ask her if she was in fact trying to kill herself - Even he didn't believe that was a prudent way of having fun. She continued to explain how I didn't answer my phone after being told of her recreational activity and how Alice had dragged her to Los Angeles to explain to me it was all a misunderstanding.

Charlie listened to everything she had to say, but reminded her how frightened he had been and how she was still going to be punished. In fact, she was lucky he didn't decide to ship her off to Jacksonville to be with her mother. He decided I was nothing but trouble, but would tolerate me because he knew he had to and because he owed so much to my sister and father.

When Bella asked for some privacy from Charlie I knew that was my cue to come back.

I heard the door shut behind him and I snuck back in the window, taking my regular place in her rocking chair.

"Sorry about that," she apologized for what Charlie had said.

"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse," I murmured. "Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please."

"Don't worry about it," she said as she moved about her room, gathering her toiletries and clean clothes. "I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and no more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?"

Of course she had somewhere to go. She always had a place at my side, hopefully one day as my wife.

"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?" I asked. Had she completely forgotten how quickly her life had been cut short at her birthday party?

"That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides…" she grinned. "If Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"

I clenched my jaw. She was impossible. She absolutely, positively could not leave something alone until she got what she wanted.

"So eager for eternal damnation," I muttered.

She walked over and laid her hand on mine and leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"You know you don't really believe that."

"Oh don't I?" I fumed.

"No. You don't," she said softly.

I glared at her and began to speak when she cut me off.

"If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't – you said 'Amazing, Carlisle was right,'" she reminded me, using my own words against me. "There's hope in you after all."

And perhaps that was true. If Bella believed there was hope in me, then perhaps there was. Perhaps she was my redemption.

"So let's both just be hopeful, all right?" she suggested. "Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven."

And if she died I didn't care about hell.

I rose from the rocking chair and moved to her side. I took her face in my hands and stared into her eyes, making her one last promise. "Forever," I vowed.

"That's all I'm asking for," she said, stretching on her toes to bring her lips to mine.

Forever. For now the word was enough to suffice for both of us. In time we could deal with the details of what forever meant. All that mattered to me was that right here, right now, she was in my arms and we were together.

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**A/N: Just the Epilogue left. Please tell me your thoughts, leave me a review & some love.**


	17. EPILOGUE – TREATY

**Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns all things Twilight.**

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EPILOGUE – TREATY

Soon, life returned to normal, almost as it had been before I walked away from Bella that afternoon in the woods. We had not walked that trail again.

My family resumed their previous lives in Forks. Carlisle was welcomed back to the hospital as though he had never been away. Esme returned to decorating our home and designing future projects. Rosalie and Emmett went back to being, well, Rosalie and Emmett. Jasper and Alice spent even more time with each other, even taking a quick trip alone to Alaska to re-connect after her trip to Italy to rescue me.

Emmett and Carlisle made a quick trip to Arizona to retrieve the Vanquish that I had left behind when I continued into Texas after Victoria.

Alice arranged to have our personal belonging shipped back to Forks from New York and it seemed as if no time had passed, although, at other times, it seemed like an excruciating amount of time had gone by – time I could never make up.

Alice and I resumed our previous studies, having already studied these subjects too many times to count over the decades. I played a good deal of catch-up and collected numerous applications for colleges in all the worst climates in the United Sates. I still planned on convincing Bella to wait longer, to at least go through college and I knew if I left the leg work up to her, she would avoid it all together.

Charlie was still angry at me and I could hardly blame him. I didn't argue with him. After all, he allowed me to visit Bella at their house and made sure I left promptly by 9:00 p.m. every night. I left long enough for Bella and Charlie to go through their normal nighttime routines then I went through mine – entering her room through the window she always left open for me. I would climb into the bed with her and hold her close and talk until she fell asleep. Then I would sit in the rocking chair and watch her chest rise and fall and relish how lucky I was to have the chance to see her breathe in and out every day.

That was all easy and comfortable. Then there was Jacob Black.

Apparently he had swooped right in to pick up the broken pieces I left behind when I left Bella. I hated that. I hated that there had been someone to take my place, someone that had protected her when I didn't. I was grateful that there was someone to do it, but despised the fact that it was one of them. A werewolf of all things. I refused to let Bella go anywhere near La Push since my family and I had long ago made a treaty with Jacob's ancestors to not cross the treaty line. I could not protect her there and when she was in the company of unpredictable werewolves that is precisely what she needed, my protection. So the easiest solution was to make her promise to stay on our side of the treaty line.

And Jacob Black never came to Bella. I had to give him credit for honoring that part of the treaty. Or perhaps he was fearful of being torn to pieces by me if I even thought he was a danger to Bella. Either way, she was with me and not with him. I just had to work to replace whatever memories they had made together while I was off on my fruitless hunt for Victoria.

Bella had told me how Laurent had come to her in the meadow, ready to kill her when Jacob and his pack rescued her, killing Victoria's henchman. I had to be grateful for that as well. I hated like hell that I had to be grateful to him or to them for anything, but I was. I was grateful they kept her safe, so she could save me and give me a second chance at forever. Then again, that was what Bella had been doing since the day she walked in to my life, saving me.

We had worked back into a groove, Bella and I, but I knew there was something different and it was Jacob. She did her best to avoid discussing him with me or near me, but I knew she missed him. As much as I hated to admit it, I realized he had become a part of her. She was stronger than when I left her and that was because of Jacob.

Part of my new routine was picking Bella up from her job at Newton's on the days she worked. It was a little extra time I got with her outside of the prison Charlie had turned their house into.

Several weeks after we returned from Italy, after Jacob had gone into exile, Bella came out of work walking swiftly to the Volvo, ears fire red. I knew she was angry about something when she opened the door and threw her backpack into the back seat of the Volvo like it was a baseball.

"It's just plain rude!" she yelled, slamming the door closed as she sank into the passenger seat. "Downright insulting!"

I knew better than to say a word. I just patted her on the leg, kissed her cheek and listened. I don't even think she noticed I had kissed her. I slowly pulled out of the parking lot, turning left towards Bella's house.

"Billy said he didn't want to talk to me," she fumed, staring intently out the passenger window, looking past the rain that streamed down the windows. "That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone! Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair!"

I decided to interject, in hopes of calming her. As much as liked that Jacob was no longer a part of her life, I wasn't happy that it was making her feel this way.

"It's not you, Bella," I said softly, laying my hand on her neck. "Nobody hates you."

"Feels that way," she muttered, crossing her arms across her chest, pouting.

"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you," I explained. "He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."

"That's stupid. He knows you're not…like other vampires."

She knew that was not a valid argument in my book. We were all seemingly harmless vampires, but Jasper had been a very real threat to Bella in the not so distant past.

"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance," I said.

She didn't say a word and continued to glare out the windshield into the rain covered streets of Forks.

"Bella, we are what we are," I said in the same soft, even tone I had used since she got in the car. I needed to calm her, to reassure her that no matter where Jacob Black was or wasn't, I was here now and I was not going anywhere. "I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k-," I stopped before the harsh reality of what I was thinking took the form of a word I knew she couldn't bear to hear. "Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."

She paused for a moment and I knew she was absorbing what I had said and what I hadn't said.

"Edward Cullen," she turned to me with a grimace and looked at me through squinted eyes. "Were you about to say _killed_ him? Were you?"

I purposely looked forward at the stop light, avoiding making eye contact with her. I had so much difficulty lying to her, even when it was to protect her.

"I would try…very hard…not to do that," I finally admitted.

I had turned the corner and paused at the stop sign, never turning to look at Bella, although I could see her mouth hanging open from the corner of my eye.

"Well," she closed her mouth to say, taking a deep breath, shaking her head as if to make the reality of what I said disappear. "Nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it. And you know Charlie's staring at the clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late."

She turned slightly towards me and smiled, half-heartedly.

I saw the pain in her eyes, no matter how she tried to hide it. I wished, for her sake, that it was different. But it wasn't and it never would be. There was Jacob's world and there was my world. Unfortunately, Bella's world was smack dab in the middle of the two and both Jacob and I were trying to live lived in that world.

As I turned up the street to Bella's house I knew Charlie was mad about something new.

"You're already in more trouble, Bella," I whispered, slowly making my way down her street.

Bella moved closer to me, wrapping her arms around mine.

"What? What is it?" she asked with a shaky voice, looking around for the unknown cause to my warning.

I took a deep breath to prepare myself for the inevitable. "Charlie…"

"My dad?" she screeched in my ear.

I calmly looked down at her, hoping she would relax, which she did.

I drove past her house and parked by the trees that surrounded it.

"What did I do?" she gasped.

I turned to glance over my shoulder, back towards Charlie. There in the driveway sat a shiny red motorcycle. I knew based on his anger, he had not seen the death machine before. The only way he would know about the motorcycles was from Jacob. Bella got her wish. He was here, but he was playing dirty.

"Charlie is ready to kill you Bella," I said. "Jacob told him about the motorcycle and about the risks you took. He thinks he can't trust you, even though you have done nothing to make him distrust you since we got back from Italy."

"No!" she gasped, hand over her mouth. "_Why_? Why would Jacob do this to me?"

While I hated that she had more punishment coming her way and that she was betrayed, I quite enjoyed envisioning Jacob Black falling from the high pedestal on which she had placed him.

Her breathing quickened as panic sat in. Her eyes grew wide and she looked quickly, back and forth, at nothing, trying to grasp what this meant. I clasped my hand in hers, hoping that knowing I was by her side would calm her. Tears began to stream from her eyes and I knew they were angry tears, the worst tears that could ever fall.

"Is he still here?" she hissed.

"Yes. He's waiting for us there," I said, nodding my head towards the narrow path we had avoided since I had returned.

She jerked her hand from mine and swung the passenger door open, jumping out of the car at an almost superhuman speed. I quickly exited from my side and made my way to her, to hold her back. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and Bella was hell on wheels.

"Let me go! I'm going to murder him! Traitor!" she shouted, fully aware that Jacob could hear her.

"Charlie will hear you," I warned her. The last thing she needed was to get Charlie in on this. Right now he was far more likely to defend Bella's greatest betrayer. "And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway."

Bella shot a glance at the house and seemed angrier and resigned to make Jacob pay for his transgression when she saw the motorcycle sitting in the driveway, a glaring reminder of the chances she had taken.

"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie." She struggled against my grasp around her waist, pulling towards the woods.

"Jacob Black wants to see _me_. That's why he's still here," I told her.

She stopped in her tracks, no more struggling. She looked at me in confusion.

"Talk?" she asked.

I could tell by the tone in her voice she had her doubts as to how much talking would be done.

"More or less," I said. I couldn't promise we would not come to blows, but I would do my best to spare her such a display.

I reached for her hair and smoothed the errant strands that had covered her face in her rage. "Don't worry, he's not here to fight me. He's acting as…spokesperson for the pack."

"Oh," she said quietly.

I turned to look at the house again, to make sure Charlie hadn't heard Bella's tirade or seen us. When I was sure we were in the clear, I wrapped my arms more tightly around her waist and pulled her into the woods, keeping her close at my side. "We should hurry. Charlie's getting impatient."

It only took a few steps into the canopy to see Jacob, leaning casually against a moss covered tree trunk, sneering at me. He had no idea that his effort to hurt me only managed to push Bella away from him.

I stopped the moment I saw him and planted my feet firmly into the soft earth, moving Bella just behind my back to protect her if he became unstable. However, she was defiant, shooting him an accusatory glare around me.

_Bloodsucker._

"Bella," Jacob said casually in Bella's direction, completely disregarding my presence.

"Why?" she whispered, fighting back the angry tears she had managed to contain. "How could you do this to me Jacob?"

_She will forgive me later, when I can see her and explain_. _This is the only way I can get her away from the bloodsuckers that never leave her side_.

Her words cut at him and the arrogant smile on his face disappeared although he remained as defiant as Bella.

"It's for the best," he answered.

"What is _that_ supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to _strangle_ me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry? No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do that to _him_?"

_Boy is she mad. I wish she understood I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. This was the only leverage I had to get what I wanted, her – alone. I have to tell her what will happen if she stays with him._

I could have kept my mouth shut and let him continue to dig his own grave. He was doing a fine job. I hated that Bella was hurting, but I quite enjoyed that he would as well.

_Filthy bloodsucker. My life was going fine until Alice came back to Forks._

His eyebrows furrowed. Her words stung. I could see it in his eyes even though he was making quite an effort to hide that from her.

"He didn't want to hurt anyone – he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me," I explained to Bella what he was keeping a secret.

_How are you doing that?_

I shot him a cocky grin, hoping Bella wouldn't catch it. I may not be able to hear her thoughts, but his were an open book. He could not keep any secrets from her when I was around.

"Aw, Jake!" she groaned, stomping her foot in the dirt. "I'm _already_ grounded! Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"

_What? I thought the bloodsucker was keeping her from me?_

Jacob shot me a quick glance and back at Bella. He seemed stunned to know why she had not run to see him. The truth was, if she wasn't grounded I wouldn't let her go near La Push, but for now, that was on Charlie.

"That's why?" he asked, locking his jaw. I saw instant regret in his face. He regretted going to such extreme measures to get her attention. What a stupid boy.

"He thought _I_ wouldn't let you, not Charlie," I added.

"Stop that," Jacob snapped at me.

I didn't have to say another word. He began to shudder. He was having great difficulty controlling his emotions and soon he would change into the monster he had become and Bella would see it, from a safe distance behind me.

"Bella wasn't exaggerating about your…abilities," he managed to say through his gritted teeth. "So you must already know why I am here."

"Yes," I said softly. There was no need for me to raise my voice. They both heard me. "But, before you begin, I need to say something."

Jacob began to take slow deep breaths, clenching and unclenching his fists, trying to control the change that had begun.

"Thank you," I said in all sincerity. I knew I was the bigger man, but I also realized he didn't have to stand there and listen to one word out of my mouth. "I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my…existence."

Jacob and Bella looked at each other, dumbfounded by what I had said. Perhaps they both truly believed that all I wanted was to kill him. I owed him a great deal and for that reason, I would not kill him. However, I would make sure Bella was never alone with him.

_Are you serious?_

"For keeping Bella alive," I clarified. "When I…didn't."

I was man enough to admit where I had failed and that was precisely what I was doing.

"Edward -," Bella started. I kept my eyes on Jacob. What I had to say was more for his benefit than anything else. I owed him and I owed her that much.

"I didn't do it for your benefit," Jacob said proudly, shooting me an accusatory glare.

"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you…"

_Yeah. Walk away like you did before. Except this time, don't come back._

I understood his pain, but his wish would not be granted by me. "That's not in my power."

"Whose, then?" Jacob growled.

I looked down at Bella. I had made her a promise. I would not leave her for as long as she wanted me around. I meant it. I had failed her once and I would not do it again. I would not leave her side until she ordered me away.

"Her's. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away."

Jacob and I locked eyes, both of us asserting our emotional position in the matter. Bella looked at us both and seemed to realize what it was he was asking of me.

"Never," she whispered to Jacob, staring deep into my eyes, understanding my commitment to her was real and one I took seriously.

Jacob made a childish gagging sound which didn't help his cause. Bella turned her attention back to him, while taking my hand in hers.

"Was there something else you needed, Jacob? You wanted me in trouble – mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to a military school. But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do _that_. What more do you want?"

I squeezed her hand tighter and smiled without control of it. I knew right then that her commitment to me was as strong as mine to her. She didn't just want eternity. She wanted to be with _me_ for an eternity.

_I want her and I won't stop until she realizes how bad you are for her._

He then said what he had come to say, out loud, for Bella to hear.

"I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute."

He had to put on a show, to put on a display of his masculinity and his ability to fight off all the evil-doers. I was more amused than anything. I had about 90 years experience on him.

"We haven't forgotten," I said just as Bella asked "What key points?"

Jacob glared at me, but answered Bella instead. "The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. _Bite_, not kill," he emphasized. I looked at him directly in his eyes, acknowledging what he was saying. However, I didn't fear him or anyone in his pack. The only thing keeping me from destroying him at that moment was Bella. He was like a pet of hers and I couldn't take that from her.

Within seconds, the color disappeared from Bella's face and she became weak in my grasp.

"That's none of your business," she sternly told him.

_It is completely my business. I will not stand for this._

He was losing control.

Jacob had no idea that she had already made her choice and laid out her plan to take it to fruition. The harsh reality was too much for him to bear.

"Jake? You okay?" Bella asked, reaching towards him as I held on tight to her, jerking her back safely behind me. No matter how much he wanted to protect her, he had not lived this life long enough to be able to control his behavior. His body shook and his face became contorted as he struggled to keep from changing.

"Careful! He's not under control," I warned Bella. Now she could see just how dangerous he was to her.

"Ugh. _I_ would never hurt her," he said in exasperation; now back in control of his body.

I knew exactly what point he was trying to make – that I had hurt Bella so profoundly when I left her. He had no idea that I would sacrifice everything I ever had or ever could have to protect her. I doubted he would be so sacrificial.

"BELLA!" Charlie's voice echoed from the front of the house. "YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!"

_Lucky you, Edward. Charlie has come to your rescue._

I didn't acknowledge his snarky thoughts. It would only serve to bring me down to his level and Bella didn't need to know how low that was.

"Crap," she fumed.

"I _am_ sorry about that," Jacob muttered, half-heartedly. "I had to do what I could – I had to try…"

_And I will continue to try until I get her back._

"Thanks," she responded with sarcasm.

"Just one more thing," I added to Bella, looking at Jacob to make sure he understood what I was about to say. "We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line – have you?"

He didn't have to answer me. As soon as I asked the question I could hear his answer, but he was man enough to have this conversation with me out in the open.

"The last time was while Bella was…away. We let her think she was slipping through – we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her -."

Bella shivered from head to toe, her body shaking against my grasp.

"But then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."

I nodded and reassured them both. "When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll - ."

"She killed on our turf," Jacob growled. "She's ours!"

"No-," Bella protested to us both.

"BELLA! I _SEE_ HIS CAR AND I _KNOW_ YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T _INSIDE_ THIS HOUSE IN _ONE_ MINUTE…!" Charlie didn't finish his threat. By now he didn't have to. Bella knew his limits and so did I and we were pushing them.

"Let's go," I encouraged her, pulling her back towards the trail head.

She turned and looked back towards Jacob. Her feet moved with mine, but her body pulled towards him.

"Sorry," Jacob whispered. "Bye, Bells."

"You promised," she pleaded. "Still friends, right?"

I looked over my shoulder and saw him shake his head slowly. He loved her. Nothing that was said today changed that. He was putting on a brave front for her.

_I promised I would never leave her like you did. You are making me break that promise to her. I hate you for that._

"You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but…I can't see how to keep trying. Not now…" I could tell he was choking back tears. "Miss you," he mouthed to her.

He reached his hand out for hers and she reached for his, but the distance between them was too great.

"Me too," she said, choking back her own tears – tears of sadness, not anger. For that I was sad. I didn't want to see Bella hurt, even if it meant I had to tolerate his presence.

"Jake," she gasped, lunging her body towards him. I held on to her, keeping her from going to him.

"It's okay," she reassured me. How could I keep her from going to him? After all, it was her choice and it always would be. If she wanted to stay with me, she would. If she wanted to go to him, she would. She had free will and I had to respect that. I hoped that the love we had for one another would be enough for her to choose me.

"No, it's not," I said softly. I knew she cared for him. I knew he was a real threat to me. I refused to let go of her. For all I knew, Jacob would run off into the woods with her.

"Let her go," Jacob snarled at me. "She _wants_ to!" He took two large strides towards me, ready for battle. I pushed Bella behind me, ready to strike him where he stood.

"No! Edward -!"

"ISABELLA SWAN!" Charlie screamed.

"Come on! Charlie's mad!" Bella pleaded, pulling on my arm. "Hurry!"

I relaxed just a little and moved back towards the tree line with her, keeping my eyes on Jacob the entire time. I would never trust him enough to turn my back on him.

I wrapped my arm around Bella's waist and walked through the woods towards the house. She never took her eyes off of Jacob either, although I knew her reasons were very different from my own.

As we stepped from the forest, Jacob disappeared from my line of sight and I knew Bella couldn't see him anymore either. She turned her attention towards Charlie, who was standing on the sidewalk in front of the house, his face red and seething with anger.

I squeezed her a little tighter to remind her that whatever punishment lay ahead I was there to take it along with her. "I'm here."

She took a deep breath and walked, arm in arm with me to face her fate – our fate.

* * *

**Final Author's Note: Black Moon**

**This journey with Edward has been dark and emotional for me to write, for Missy (DreamsOfEdward) to bounce off of and for Lili (ForksPixie) to beta and guide me through. I know it has been an emotional journey for each of you to read and for those of you who have patiently waited for this to end, Edward is finally reunited with his Bella and the next leg of the journey is about to begin.**

**I have read every single review and message regarding Black Moon and, good or bad, they all matter to me. You all love Edward as much as I do or you wouldn't care to share your thoughts.**

**Writing Black Moon took me much longer than I ever anticipated, but it was emotionally taxing at times and I had to step away. I had to take a road trip to Forks, which I hope makes Edward's journey through Shroud (Eclipse) much more tangible to the reader. Real Life also got in the way. I went back to work and had to make time for Edward. Most importantly, my muse, Missy and my Beta, Lili had major upheaval in their real lives, but they stuck with me and stuck with Edward and made this possible. I promise you there were times I could have given up, but they never let me.**

**I hope you appreciate Edward on a much deeper level now and understand the place of love he came from when he left Bella. Now on to Shroud, which I hope you will find a much happier place for Edward and Bella.**


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